To ask what for advice on becoming a grandparent

[Lifebeganat50]

(Previous username resurrected for a name change!)

We found out last night that dd is pregnant-absolutely over the moon!

what’s the best advice you can give for being absolutely supportive and creating the best relationship between us at this point, without overstepping anything?

Her partner asked her last night if she’d breast or bottle feed, what did I think, and I just said that you feed a baby in the way that works best for you…was this the right approach? I bf my babies very successfully but I don’t want her to feel under any pressure, but I don’t want to appear disinterested

Honestly, my mum supplied us with all the food. We came home from hospital to a takeaway brought for us (they then left), she came round with lots of fresh fruit and bits for smoothies, she’d make one up then potter about cleaning the house/tidying up/preparing something for dinner whilst I sat and drank and fed baby. Just being there to help us, rather than prioritise wanting cuddles etc meant the world. Everyone else was only interested in the baby, but my mum looked after us and I’ll never forget that!

And yes to tell her she’s doing great, both of them. We were so overwhelmed with our first - my mum and sister gave us a lot of reassurance. And obviously they’re the ones who got the most cuddles in the long run, as we wanted them around

This is great advice.

Don't lose the opportunity now to tell her that you are pleased for her and her partner and why, and that you think they'll make great parents and why.

Philippa Perry has written a couple of books I think would be useful in your situation.

I can tell you some of the things I really appreciated from my mum as someone who had a baby 2 months ago:

1. she batch cooked me freezer meals. It was great. All I had to do was microwave and I’d have a lovely home cooked meal.
2. She brought me fresh fruit and veg to snack on so I didn’t have to go without when I couldn’t manage getting to the shop.
3. She walked my dog. I’m so grateful she looked after him when I wasn’t able to give him my full attention.
4. She never tried to take my baby from me, or even asked to hold her. She waited for me to offer.
5. She offered to drive me places.
6. She brought me little luxuries like hand cream and chocolate. Nothing extravagant, just stuff that was low on my priority list but nice to have.

Im sure there were others but these stand out.

I think that everyone has said all the advice I would give. What I would say is enjoy every minute you are with your new grandchild, the love you will feel for them is all encompassing. Your baby has one of her own, it’s amazing.
I only gave advice when asked and supported her completely. Our daughter and her husband are wonderful parents and their daughter is definitely the apple of my eye!

That seems fine. It's totally up to her. I bottle fed my children and had to listen to my mother in law telling me how much he enjoyed breastfeeding. 😞 I really tried but couldn't produce enough milk and I truly believe the pressure contributed to my PND.

I would recommend looking up new safety advice (the Lullaby Trust) and NHS advice as it's changed a lot over the years. So things you might have done i.e feeding baby early, is now not recommended. Carseat advice and laws has changed. Things like them cot bumpers are not recommended (again look at the Lullaby Trust).
My MIL takes my children (4+1) to the library every Saturday morning (singing and doing arts and crafts) and honestly it's a god send. I get to shower and catch up on house work for them few hours. Just offering to take them the the park for an hour while I clean or cook really does help.

But please if she chooses to do something different don't take it personally.

Things to avoid based on other mumsnet threads:

• having an opinion on the name other than its lovely
• calling the baby anything other than its name if you don't like the chosen name
• giving too many treats when the parents have asked you not to
• not following the routine that parents have set because you know better
• getting competitive over the other set of grandparents for time spent with the baby, number of visits with the baby etc. Each relationship is different
• expressing any preference for one particular gender unless already expressed by the parents
• not helping with practical things (housework, cooking) because you just want cuddles with the baby
• sharing any news about the pregnancy or birth unless you've been given express permission (eg putting something on Facebook)
• insisting on visiting the hospital / as soon as she has got home, without checking she is ready to see you. Saying you're excited and asking when you can visit, whilst making clear there is no pressure if she isn't feeling up to it, is fine
• referring to the baby as yours in any way
• insisting on a name that the child will call you
• insisting you'll have the baby overnight / on its own without the mum there, before the mum is ready to leave the baby. Offering to babysit (even whilst she is sleeping upstairs) is fine
• not following current advice eg on weaning or car seats on the basis that your kids were fine without doing that

Be there for her. Make her cups of tea, bring meals, tupperware, plastic plates. Offer to watch the baby while she sleeps. Offer to take the baby out for a walk. Never laugh at her for worrying about whether the baby is too hot, too cold, been sleeping too long, has a flat head. When I had my last baby I had an emergency c section and ny mum stayed with us and got up in the night with me to bring me painkillers, a drink, settle my daughter while I was changing my pad etc. Just be as kind and patient as you possibly can.

Congratulations, never grab the baby out of your daughters arms and always hand the baby back when she asks you to hand back. Ask if you can buy anything for the baby but let them choose.

Thanks for all the great advice! I guess it’s mostly about respecting boundaries and supporting my dd to be the mum she wants to be, which we will absolutely do.
On a safety level, sleeping etc, the advice is still the same as when I had her, back to sleep etc, so that’s an easy one! Anything else, I’ll take dd’s lead on…she’s already asked me to knit, so the needles are out!

Best advice ever and in so many circumstances!

just be ready that you are wrong and that you always have been. So often women are furious at each other for being overlooked for no reason at all than a lack of awareness in the first place.

When my DD was in hospital I went to her house and filled her freezer with Bolognese, quiche, fish pies, cottage pies etc so after she got home if she was tired she could just pop as one thing in the oven. When she had second DC I stayed for 2 weeks and looked after toddler, did laundry and again filling freezer and taking toddler out each afternoon so she could have a bit of time with new baby alone and rest.

When my grandson was on his way the hospital ran a one evening “ new grandparents “ evening. It was brilliant and gave everything that had changed since we’d had our children . Sleeping positions, weaning, tummy time etc. I think due to cut backs this is no longer run but they do do them on line. Apart from that never criticise their parenting and give advice only when asked. Good luck , being a grandparent is lots of fun and lots of love.