To ask what for advice on becoming a grandparent

[Lifebeganat50]

(Previous username resurrected for a name change!)

We found out last night that dd is pregnant-absolutely over the moon!

what’s the best advice you can give for being absolutely supportive and creating the best relationship between us at this point, without overstepping anything?

Her partner asked her last night if she’d breast or bottle feed, what did I think, and I just said that you feed a baby in the way that works best for you…was this the right approach? I bf my babies very successfully but I don’t want her to feel under any pressure, but I don’t want to appear disinterested

I became a Grandma just after Christmas, it’s the best, my relationship with my DD is so good. I always do what she asks, I don’t agree with some of the ways she does things but it’s her baby. I went to her house every day after work for the first 2 months and did her washing & ironing, and looked after the baby while DD & husband had a sleep. Granddaughter now 8 months old and I see her all the time and she’s gorgeous. I’ve made a point of always being a constant support hovering in the background. Granddaughter now has sleepovers in my house! I’m knackered after having her but it’s fun.

Congratulations! As a mum of a toddler and a baby on the way the biggest thing you can do is respect their wishes. If they say don’t feed the baby chocolate or that the baby needs to sleep and to leave it alone, just listen and respect it. Even if you don’t agree, just be supportive of them and their wishes. They will be finding their own way once baby is here and speaking from experience there is nothing worse than people constantly interfering and giving unwanted opinions or just ignoring you all together because they think they know best.

We didn’t stay long at my parents for an over a year after our son was born, as we got so fed up of my family constantly overstimulating him when he needed to sleep. We were ultimately the ones that paid the price when we got home and had a very fussy and unsettled baby so we had to set a really clear boundary. My in laws on the other hand never put us in that position, if we said he needed to sleep they would leave him alone, even if it meant they didn’t get a cuddle that day. We went there a lot more often.

Loads of great advice-especially from the perspective of current mums of little ones!
Feeding will never be an issue-I was lucky that my parents respected everything surrounding food, and I intend doing the same-my daughter didn’t taste chocolate till she was 2.5!

Minefield.

You’ve had some good advice OP, congratulations! I’m a mum of two young kids and I would say sadly having them has pushed me away from my parents although I’m not sure they realise!

reasons for this include not supporting me in any meaningful way, never having taken either of my children overnight or changed a single nappy. No housework, food, etc. They are happy to be “Disney” grandparents and love playing with the kids, taking lots of pictures to look like doting grandparents from the outside but the reality is different from my POV.

the kids love them so I wouldn’t deny that relationship but I am resentful sometimes. They say and promise they will help in whatever way they can… but then when it comes to it it’s always on their terms or they put things off or put barriers in the way. Sometimes I don’t want to have to ask or beg for support.

so I would say be realistic about what support you’re actually able to provide and follow through with it, don’t make promises or say you’ll help and then don’t. Or if it’s too much for you when the baby arrives just say that.

Do chores, if you're able to, and tell her what you'll do without her having to think of things.
My mum would just start doing washing, or bring me food, or notice the laundry basket is full and take it and wash and iron it for me without me having to even think or notice that it needs doing. So helpful!

Also, offer to stay over to help or arrive early and take baby for a bit in the very early morning is mum can sleep

I've always been really careful not to overstep the mark with my DD and DSIL regarding my three grandbabies. My DD does ask my advice a fair bit and though I'm happy to give it, it's always with the disclaimer 'but you do what's best for you all'.
I would hate to be one of those nosy parker mums who gives her opinion when it's not needed, so I'm always careful. Of course, if I saw something that concerned me or I thought was wrong or dangerous, that would be a different story!

I became a grandmother 4 weeks ago through DSS and his lovely wife. We are close though and I see my partners son as my "biggest boy". I am very conscious of not treading on anyone's toes though with them and the wider family. We were the first to meet the baby (their choice) and they often ask for advice as they did during pregnancy. Things that have helped are ;

• being concerned about her rather than just the baby.
• telling her how well she's doing.
• supporting their choices.
• checking their boundaries rather than just doing things.
• offering help.

yes but the point is…. Rather than focussing on your relationship with your daughter in terms of how you can support her re you grandchild, perhaps better to be reflecting on how you can work towards changing a “not bad” and “not close” relationship with your daughter, to a closer relationship.

and then focus on the grandchild element.

given you’re not close, she could just think that suddenly you’re trying to be close so you can be involved with your grandchild.

whereas focus more on her and your relationship with her….she won’t think that

And your daughter may decide to give her baby a bit of chocolate on her 1st birthday. So I wouldn’t be throwing that memory in to discussions!

@Faceitprune you’re absolutely right-and that’s how it might be! I was coming from the perspective that my parents supported our choices and we’ll do the same 😊

From my personal experience, don't promise what you can't deliver on!
Both my parents and in-laws promised us the world, were "so excited" to be GP's and really gave the impression that they'd be there for us.
Fast forward 7 years, we don't have any consistent support or contact from either side unless we initiate it. We weren't expecting childcare support, but thought they'd want to spend time and have relationships with our kids. But they really don't. They can go weeks without contact, never ask about the kids and it's up to us to visit them, where they just moan about the kids being "chaos" (theyre not, theyre just little kids).
And to be honest I think the promise that they'd be fantastic GP's and them not being, was a bigger disappointment than them just being aloof and disinterested from the off!

Just enjoy it. Don't buy baby things no matter how cute they are without consulting your DD first. Ask DD what baby needs or better still ask her to send you a link to a gift she would like for baby. For Xmas and birthdays I ask my DD what my SGC would like. Sometimes she'll send a link with a gift other times I'll buy them a entry pass for a park farm, Sealife Centre or a zoo. She takes them lots of times so they get good value from a season pass. Offer help you can realistically give eg one day care a week or you can care for baby only occasionally if they want a night out alone.

What were they like before you had children? Were you close? They initiated contact and visits regularly?

Best advice anyone gave me was ”Keep your mouth shut & your wallet open” !!

I’m a grandma and it’s the best thing in the world so congratulation
I would say prioritise being a good mum / mil first then being a good grandparent.
Don’t compare your fellow grandparent friends experiences to yours just because “Susan’s” grandkids are always round at hers doesn’t mean yours should be the same, different parents make different decisions.
Their baby, their rules ( you can think what you like in your own head).
if you can afford to, offer to buy a big item or contribute money towards it ( the item of their choosing of course).
if they are going to be regular visitors to your house ask if it’s okay for you to get bits and pieces to keep at your house to save them having to transport loads of stuff back and forward. We always had a changing mat, a change of clothes and then as they aged bibs, dishes etc and a high chair then a cot and then a toddler bed as they grew older and stayed over, we also had appropriate car seats for our car as we were lucky enough to be able to take them on outings.

There's some really good advice here!

I second not promising what you dont deliver on. My in laws were so excited to become grandparents but make no effort, barely ask after DC and never change nappies or help with domestic stuff, they just want to do all the fun stuff and it really upsets us both.

I also second not buying plastic tat and actually asking what GDC wants/needs. We dont have room for lots of stuff but get bought lots of tat that we dont have room for.

Dont sulk if you dont get what you want, respect their rules and boundaries.

And yes, ask after your daughter, see if she is OK. If you have a good relationship with her then you will have a good one with DGC.

Keep your relationship as it is and working on whatever you work on. Let her give the cues and follow them… you should be good then.

Please don’t ever utter the phrase ‘In my day….’
Offer practical help like cooking, cleaning, washing etc. Tell her she’s doing great!

My advice would never offer up any advice unless asked, accept anything you did when bringing up your own kids is wrong and outdated with good humour. Smile and nod often. Most importantly enjoy every minute. Being a Grandma is the best thing ever.

This!

Its so upsetting when older people view modern parenting advise as either a critisism of their parenting or something to ignore as their kids survived. When its for safety.

Be supportive of what the parents are doing. Theres been lots of studies on safe sleep and weaning. They will raise a 2025 baby not a (for example) 1990s baby. Just like presumably didnt follow the 1950s parenting advise of your parents antinatal classes.

Look up lulaby trust guidance.