Dads partner leaving him homeless after her death.

[Tray80]

Appology in advance for the huge thread but mainly feel like I need to vent so here goes! My dad and his partner have been together for 26+ years, living together in her home for 22 years. Although I was close to my dad as a child, our relationship dwindled as I approached my adult years. I guess he just stopped making an effort once he met my stepmum, as they tended to spend most of their spare time with her kids and grandkids.

Even though they only live 20 mins drive away they never visited including when my babies were born. They put mine and my kids birthday/xmas cards in the post every year. We speak on the phone a couple of times a month( when I make the effort) and I call around to see them half a dozen times a year, always bearing gifts on special occasions for eg birthdays, fathers day, Xmas etc, so basically it's always me making the effort. It used to really hurt my feelings when I'd see how much effort they both made for my stepmums side of the family but after 20 years of seeing it I just learned to live with it.

For the past few years my stepmum has had a terrible run of health. My dad has retired to take care of her as she has been wheelchair bound for quite some time. Unfortunately she's now been diagnosed with cancer and has been told that there's a 50/50 chance that she may not make it through her operation next week. Needless to say the whole family is devastated, including my dad. I called to see them last week and while walking in the garden my dad broke down and told me that he doesn't know how he'll carry on living without his partner. I can tell its taken a huge toll on his health too as he's stopped eating and taking care of himself and even had a nasty fall, which is so unlike him.

Today I received a call from my stepmum. I was really shocked when her number came up on my phone as she's only rang me twice in 23 years. She told me that she wanted to talk to me while my dad was asleep. She said she wanted to lay down the ground rules of how things would play out for my dad if she was to pass away during her surgery next week. It was explained that as the house was legally hers, as it was in her name, she would be leaving it in trust to her 2 children and grandkids, meaning that if she was to pass away, then my dad would be homeless. Apparently she had explained this to my dad a few weeks previous, which timed in with the fall and his sudden run of bad health. I believe this to be due to stress as he'd just been told that in 2 weeks he could possibly be loosing the love of his life, and now also his home. I know that my dad has always been aware that the house was hers and hers only but I don't think he was expecting to be turfed out so fast. I could kind of understand the rush if my stepmums family were struggling financially but they're all very well off. I asked about my dad's financial situation, if he had a bit of a nest egg to get himself on his feet if the worse was to happen and she said that she doesn't know, as they've always kept their finances separate. She mentioned she didn't trust him to take care of the house after his fall. She added that she thinks that once she's gone my dad will probably just give up on life and not be far behind. She also pointed out that hes very lucky that hes been able to live mortgage free for 20 years.

I can't begin understand the stress she's under with the surgery loomimg and the possibility of not making it out. I really don't want to see her in a negative light as I know my dad loves her more than life itself and they both need kindness and support more than anything right now, but the conversation I had with her last night has left me with a bitter feeling. She asked me not to tell my dad that we'd had that conversation, which I will respect. I just don't understand why she'd told me at all, as it clearly wasn't out of concern for my dad but rather a concern that he wouldn't leave the house when shes gone. I feel maybe she was prepping me as she knows he'll be landing on my door step when her kids sell the house, which in turn seems like a smack in the face when neither of them have ever made any effort with me or the kids. I just keep looking at my husband and trying to put myself in her situation. Could I purposely leave my husband financially destitute? I couldn't! The other part that is bugging me is that if all goes well for her then she'll be at home being cared for once more by my dad, the same man she was turfing out on the streets if the worse was to happen. I feel as though hes just being used. I really hate feeling this bitterness about the situation and I know I'm feeling overwhelmed by it all so hoping that someone else's take may help me see it all in a different light. Am I being unreasonable in feeling like this? If you made it to the end then thanks for sticking with me!🤷‍♀️🤯

Your dad needs to stay put in the house after her death. He children can go down the process of evicting him after her death. He may still die before her.

If he's older and homeless, the council will house him. And you don't have to take him in. (You'll find the council moves faster if you don't). And if he didn't bother with you much for so long, you shouldn't feel obliged to.

Tell him about the conversation you've had with her and ask him what money he has in his own right. Ask him what he plans to do - whether he'll rent or if he had enough to buy, whether he'll put in a council application etc. If he mentions any plans that involve staying with you, even temporarily, and you are not in fact going to allow that, it's only fair to him to tell him straight away. You may not owe him much but you owe him that; he can't plan without all the information.

I think it sounds like she has always been open about the fact that she wants the house to be inherited by her children.

I have known this situation in reverse- where the children got nothing from their dad's will as it all went to the step mum. Those children were so bitter when they were left with nothing and their fathers money ended up going to the step mums kids when she died.

Having children from a previous relationship is just an impossible situation to deal with I think. What is 'fair'to everyone in this situation? There is nothing that would please everyone. Of course she coukd have said that your father coukd live in the house until he dies, but as she said this means the children are waiting a long time for their inheritance.

Coukd you suggest that he is allowed a certain period of grace in the house before its sold? 5 years maybe? That happened to a friend of mine who had lived with someone in the same house for 50 years. The children of tge partner who died allowed him to stay for 3 years while he got himself together.

Yes, my mum has told me she doesn’t expect me to boot her partner out straight away, which I wouldn’t, despite us not being very close.

He is however himself very well off, much more so than me or my mum. So financially he shouldn’t struggle to move. But it then comes down to logistics and financials, how easy would he find it to move (he was living with his own mum in his 40s before moving in with my mum) and I would also need to clarify who pays for repairs etc while he is there. I have my own mortgage and nursery fees so I can’t really afford upkeep of 2 houses. I’m sure this is also being considered for the DC to inherit in OP’s case.

I would ring your stepmother and ask if the Trust she has arranged is a life interest trust. This would mean your Dad could live in the house until he dies and then the property would pass to her children.
I do wonder if there's been a misunderstanding here and your stepmother was trying to make you aware you would not benefit from any inheritance or interest in the property when your Dad dies?

Err well yeah they were decided on the facts but the point is that cohabitants in long term relationships where they were dependent on their partner tend to get quite generous financial provision. I wasn't saying he would get those specific amounts (they were different in each case). Or is there anything in the OP's posts that suggests to you that he would not be successful under the 1975 Act?

So have you found out what she actually means when she says it's "in trust"?

I was in a similar position to you a few years ago and can completely understand your reaction of being bitter and perplexed, especially given the backdrop of your father's lack of effort with you. The handling of wills and estates often gives you an insight into the darker sides of people's characters, not to mention the resurfacing of all manner of family problems and dynamics.

My father was in his mid-70s when his partner died. She left her house (being the house in which she and my father resided) to her son. I don't recall my father ever mentioning any objections to the arrangement. But nor do I think he expected what would happen when she died, namely that her son kicked him out pretty much immediately so that the house could be sold. Before then, my father had what he thought was a good relationship with the son, and had even included him in his own will. I think he genuinely thought he would be allowed to remain in the house, perhaps not for life, but at least while he got back on his feet. He was shocked at how swiftly he was moved on.

Interestingly, a few decades earlier, my father's own father - my grandfather – had, very late in life, remarried his housekeeper a few years after my grandmother's death. Just before my grandfather's death, he changed his will so that his house went to his new wife. The whole episode reeked for many reasons. But my dad never challenged the new will because he was convinced the new wife would "do the right thing" and leave the house and contents to the original family when she died. Lo and behold, she did no such thing; she left everything to her own kids. Many of the grandchildren did not even get a keepsake from the personal effects.

If you want to be absolutely sure that you can leave your house to your adult kids then don't have a relationship. Stay single. You can't have the benefit of a relationship and expect no obligations.
Except if this lady had stayed single, unless one of her kids moved in with her, she'd have gone into a home or assisted living with her wheelchair and wouldn't have a house to leave. Good job she had a carer on hand who'd given up his own job to look after her.

I think you should have a frank discussion with this woman or text her. Say that you have taken time to process her message and while you are sympathetic to the situation you will not be in a position to help or care for your father in the future. - Be firm about this. - It seems unfair that despite quitting his job to be your carer, putting money into your house and spending so much time with your family - at times at the expense of his own child and grandchildren - that no provision has been made for him. Then say hope the operation goes well and dad feels he can carry on nursing you in these circumstances. Hope the future works out for you both.

Good on you. There is a saying "don't count on chickens before they're hatched" which largely applies to inheritance laws when parents are divorced, remarried or living with a partner for many years.

Writing a will is not the end of the story. They can be successfully contested in Court if no provision for life partners, children or disabled defendants are made.

I

What about all the hours of care he provided throughout years? How much she saved in that alone? And how selfless it was of your dad to do that?
Seek legal advice on that one as I do think there must be a way of challenging the will in some way.

Look at money box on bbc sounds they do programmes about inheritance etc. There could be something useful.
Check woth citizen advice and seek legal advice on that matter.

I'm another one who is grateful for all the perspectives. I have a semi-estranged mother with a husband (they are married so that makes a difference) but he is devoted to his two daughters and I would imagine he has taken steps to ensure they inherit. My mother stepped in to care for his girls from a young age but she's a pretty toxic person. No problem for me if she doesn't inherit a bean, although it would be a bit unfair given she was in loco parentis for years and is now a devoted grandmother. But I know she does not have a nest egg. It's good to be a little prepared for what might happen. I hadn't thought of any of this.

@Tray80 I’m not sure exactly what you wanting from this thread op? If she has been upfront and clear to him throughout their relationship then there is no debate …if he knew where he stood all this time then it would be on him to plan ahead for his own needs if she were to die first. It’s the same as I would advise for anyone in a relationship that isn’t married( or indeed ,a marriage where there are children from a previous relationship ) …you have to have these discussions as early as possible and plan/ put legal documents in place. The people I do feel sorry for are those that have absolutely no clue, having worked in hospice care I have indeed seen people literally left with no home because they didn’t realise terms of inheritance when they weren’t married and there is no will ( or, even ,worse, a will in place that the partner didn’t know about) .

Believe me that can mean nothing to some people once money is involved. I know that from bitter experience.

If he's been living there for 22 years rent free, then why wasn't he saving it for now? Surely he knew this situation would come one day. If he presents himself as homeless to the council they will house him. It may be a hotel room until they find something. Is he better off doing that now to secure a home for himself? That way he won't have too much on his plate when she passes away. She can arrange for carers if he's no longer living there.

The only thing I find really odd is why the OP has been dragged into this situation now. Also why ask that the call not be mentioned to the father. Something is very off.

This is so true. He's always doing some sort of home improvements. He's been worth his weight in gold to her, not to mention very convenient! She mentioned to me that she has always funded everything they've had done on the house and never let my dad contribute a penny as she always knew the house would be left for her kids. Now I see it as her been very clever if not a bit sneaky!
Some sort of home improvement....I very much doubt that would cover all what he saved not paying rent. You didn't say if he owned or rented before he moved in with her. If he had a mortgage, what happened to the property? If he rented, well multiply what that rent was monthly by 12 and then 20. That's how much he should have saved, at least £150k I would think. Is that how much he has invested in her property.

As for caring for her, how long ago did he give up his job to do so. Even then, you don't know if he did it just for her or if it suited him too. Did he continue to pay 50% of all the bills? A few repairs or a couple of holidays won't come close to what he saved.

I totally get your anxiety and worry. It is indeed unfair that it might possibly fall on you but it's really your dad you should be angry with, not her. They lived under the same roof, but independently. Never married, never shared finances. She was clear her house would go to her kids from the start. He accepted it all, ultimately because it must have suited him too.

I too would want to absolutely clarify the trust thing. It seems an unnecessary layer of ballache if the property goes straight to her DC, assuming they're all adults.
People don't always understand their own wills, though. My late DF and his wife had mirror wills which, they insisted, would provide his children and hers with an equal share of the estate once both of them had died. In reality, there was nothing preventing my stepmother giving away six figure lump sums from my DF's assets, which she happily did. I have no expectation of seeing a penny of it, and therefore can't really disapprove of someone taking steps to protect their own children's inheritance.

She can leave it to her children with the condition that he is allowed to live there for the rest of his life or for a certain time. To throw him on the street when he's cared for her is disgusting. Maybe he should present a bill for the care he has provided. Live in carers cost about £1.5 a week I think.

Fuck that, he should leave her now before the operation so that he's not treated as an unpaid nurse. She's shown where her loyalties lie. Get him out of there and let her beneficiaries look after her AND the house.

If I were you I’d point that out to him. Perhaps your dad should book a holiday in time for her discharge from hospital … let her kids look after her

FYI my husband and I live in our mortgage free home in a northern city that he owns outright, and I own a mortgage free flat in London that we stay in regularly. If he were to snuff it, his will states that I can live in our northern home as long as I like. My stepchildren know and are okay with that

If I snuff it before him, my flat can be used by him as long as he wants to; if/when it’s sold he and two of my niblings get a third each

Exactly.
She's avoided the financial obligations of marriage and rightly so, but she can't then expect in sickness and health to apply

Well this is exactly the point. I’ve read the full thread.

Why is @op suddenly so protective of her father, with whom she’s had almost no relationship?

Could it be that she is hoping to secure him some inheritance that might, further down the line, pass to her? This would be fairly reasonable, but if it’s true, it’s a massive omission not to be clear about it.

This is a couple who have shown real commitment to each other for 22 (can’t remember) years. @op
might feel aggrieved that the woman’s kids bag the loot, while the man (indirectly the man’s kids too) are left out in the cold.

It feels like a high degree of concern for a man she’s not been close to at all.

I think you’re right.

The step mother said she’s leaving it in trust for her children which to me means he can stay in the house but once he passes away it’ll go to her children

i really don’t think she’d see him homeless