To not meet my daughter's waster, manipulative boyfriend

[ManyBooksLittleTime]

Up until now, my husband and I have refused to meet our daughter's boyfriend. There is nothing good to say about him. She is early twenties and he is fifteen years older, at least. Mumsnet was really helpful when he started dating her at 17.

She has a good job, pays all the rent and all the bills. She has rented a bigger flat to accommodate his THREE children when they stay alternate weekends. He does gaming . Nothing else. A total waster man. It makes me so angry. He has now convinced her he cannot work due to both his physical and mental health. WTF!

She once got him a job at a supermarket she worked at. The supermarket was burgled by an employee, it had to be one of 4 employees including him.He kept telling her that her till number was used. Luckily she wasn't working there that evening. Shortly after, he was no longer working there and she had been transferred to another store. I am really suspicious of this. Lots of other nasty rumours about him, but none that have proven to be true. He has had two jobs in four years lasting approx a month each

He doesn't stop her going out. She goes out regularly with friends, often over the weekends. I think this is so he can have the flat to himself. He will not take her out though and does not even go on walks with her outside the flat. She goes on her own. He will not even give her a fiver if she runs out of money.

My friends think that we should meet him to question him and make him squirm. My massive fear is her disowning us and us not being there if she needs us. What advice do you have for helping her to see that she is always broke because she has a massive parasitic burden around her neck?

OP, I know this isn't what you want to here but as someone who has been in your daughters shoes when i was young, there is absolutely nothing you can do to make her see sense here. This is something she is going to have to see herself. It might take months, maybe even years more for this to finally happen but those rose tinted glasses will lift at some point. All I can advice is that you are there to support her and help pick up the pieces when the time comes.

I would be inclined to agree to you meeting him and being a bit less obvious with your dislike to him because I would imagine it's subconciously pushing your DD into the stay camp for a little while longer yet. Integrate yourself with them, meet the boyfriend and help support your DD from a distance whilst actively keeping an eye on things. We all know how the young, stubborn mind works if you tell them that you don't approve of something.

I know its really hard but for now keep the enemy close until your DD is ready to make the move to leave. This isn't something you have any control or persuasion over. Love is very complicated at this age, especially when your young and trying to forge your own path as a new adult, wanting to prove everyone wrong.

If you dont want to lose your daughter then meet him. It's down to her how she lives her life, whether you like it or not. You will lose her if you're not amicable. You don't have to like him, or agree with the situation, but smile and nod and get on with it.

Thank you, both of you. This is similar advice to my friends too. It will be such a struggle to be nice to someone that I know is using my daughter though. His parents also have her convinced that she owes them £1000. Meeting him might give her the impression that we condone his behaviour and have got used to it?

What conversations have you had with her about this? Something must have gone very wrong with her self esteem for her to think this is ok.

How have his parents convinced her she owes them money?

I actually think it’s the wrong decision not to meet this man. I’d want to see him myself if I’m honest, and I think you should go

Sending you a hug OP…we’re in a similar position with our 19 year old DD and it’s hell.

Can I ask how long you were in this situation and what changed for you? We’re in a terrible situation with our DD and any hope is comforting tbh
thank you

Definitely not. There's absolutely no reason at all to meet him. Why on earth would she owe him £1000?

She met him just before Covid and at a time when she was very lonely. The 1000 was a loan from his parents because she had unpaid bills when she left the last flat. Electricity etc. I think he should be paying his parents as he is not financially responsible for anything else. Even his food is paid for him. The extra electricity is because it is never off. She goes to work and he is just in all the time gaming . The idea of meeting him and being nice to him makes my flesh crawl.

Conniebygaslight, what is your DDs situation? Xx

Conniebygaslight, what is your DDs situation? Xx

I'd be tempted to have a new patio built. ☠️

do you think by not meeting him, it’ll change her mind, as you are playing into his hands when he says you are manipulative you are.

I'd be in their place as much as possible tbh. Stay neutral when he says anything, don't allow any 'banter' at her expense. As said, keep the enemy close and have a good window into their world.

I have been where you daughter currently is. I can tell you now that if you appear to be 'against' him, you'll drive her to him, and could potentially end up disowned. My parents told me until they were blue in the face that my then boyfriend (who was 7 years older than me and had 2 sons) was a waste of space. I wouldn't listen. You need to rein in your emotions and yes, it may not be what you want to hear, you need to meet him. You plaster a smile on your face, welcome him into your home and try to get to know him. Don't grill him for information, or ask him about his intentions, you will only achieve in annoying your daughter. As frustrating as it is, your daughter has to find out what he's like in her own time, regardless of that's in 6 months time or 6 years. When she finally realises, that's when she's going to need your support. In the meantime, you are going to have to 'grin and bare it'. I stayed with my boyfriend for 4 years, and the penny finally dropped. She will come to her senses, but it's a case of you playing the long waiting game.

OP don’t look at meeting him as you are condoning his behaviour, look at it as we are here, we’re her parents, we are always here to support her and we will not go away.
You not meeting him or being around makes his life easier!
I know it will be hard to pretend to like him but you cab be civil and polite, if he doesn’t reciprocate don’t react let him be the bad guy!

Messaged you

I personally wouldn't meet him. It will either be disastrous because you won't be able to hold back and DD may end up defending him, or it will be 'ok' and him coming round will become the norm and it will feel like tacit approval. If I were you I'd continue to keep a separation between DDs life with him and her other relationship with you, as she is with her friends. The seperation of different areas of her life makes it easier for her to see a life away from him as possible and not such a huge change.

Meanwhile, when you see DD, don't mention him, but do do everything in your power to show her she is loved and valued. Praise her achievements and build her up about other areas of her life outside of him. The contrast between the respect you show her and him may help her see the light. Building her confidence may help her realise she is worth more.

She was 17 when she met him. She must have still been living at home. How lonely could she have been?

I do understand what everyone is saying about trying to keep her close, but you do also need to sit down and ask her for an open discussion and go through all the red flags over his behaviour and open a conversation about what she wants her life to be. This conversation should have happened before she moved away from home.

Why did she have to borrow the £1000 from his parents? Did she ask you for help?

My friends think that we should meet him to question him and make him squirm.

Umm, he's not going to squirm.
You or you friends really have rather an inflated view of the influence you have over others.
He won't care what you say to him and neither does your daughter.

5128gap, these are the tactics we have been using. Really building her up. We've told her we would meet him as soon as there was some equality, she has done so well and we just want the best for her.

Beltalodalife, she was v lonely . She met him just before lockdown. We have to give her money every month as she runs out constantly. Yet she has a high paying job. When they moved flats, they moved to a bigger one for his kids and didn't tell us for a while. They called his parents for help as he doesn't drive. They paid the excess bills etc

The 1000 was a loan from his parents because she had unpaid bills when she left the last flat.

So your daughter does owe his parents £1000.
You have stated that his parents convinced her she owes it.
She does.

Your daughter is going to find it much more difficult to break up with him if she thinks she's going to get an 'I told you so' from you rather than a 'oh that's a shame hope you're OK'.

Definitely grit your teeth, keep a stress ball in your pocket to squeeze, keep visits short so you don't snap, and meet him and be pleasant

Ask probing questions that don't sound like you're getting at him, like 'that's such a shame about his mental health, what have the doctors told him to try that is likely to help' instead of 'why is he not trying to help himself with these supposed mental health issues'.

Also encourage her to do anything she can to build up her self esteem, see friends, take up hobbies etc.

I agree with pps who say it will be best to meet him and be nothing but polite and pleasant to him. It will no be easy, but refusing to see him or telling him what you think of him will make it easier for him to persuade your DD that it's the 2 of them against the world/play the victim etc. If you can be around them it will make it much easier for her to come to you for help when she finally sees what he really is. She may even ask you for advice when she starts to see, and if you have spent time with them you will be in a better position to guide her to seeing what she need to do.

As for the £1,000 owed to his parents, they probably genuinely believe that this was money to help your DD out when she needed it and nothing to do with your DD. I have a family member who was very much like this man and he would occasionally ask his family for help with one-off expenses (eg a new washing machine, car repairs etc). When his GF eventually kicked him out they were convinced that she had taken advantage of him and should pay him back for the things they'd funded for the house. In reality he had been living there rent free and without contributing anything to bills/food on a regular basis, which was why she had no money to pay for repairs etc herself.