To not meet my daughter's waster, manipulative boyfriend

[ManyBooksLittleTime]

Up until now, my husband and I have refused to meet our daughter's boyfriend. There is nothing good to say about him. She is early twenties and he is fifteen years older, at least. Mumsnet was really helpful when he started dating her at 17.

She has a good job, pays all the rent and all the bills. She has rented a bigger flat to accommodate his THREE children when they stay alternate weekends. He does gaming . Nothing else. A total waster man. It makes me so angry. He has now convinced her he cannot work due to both his physical and mental health. WTF!

She once got him a job at a supermarket she worked at. The supermarket was burgled by an employee, it had to be one of 4 employees including him.He kept telling her that her till number was used. Luckily she wasn't working there that evening. Shortly after, he was no longer working there and she had been transferred to another store. I am really suspicious of this. Lots of other nasty rumours about him, but none that have proven to be true. He has had two jobs in four years lasting approx a month each

He doesn't stop her going out. She goes out regularly with friends, often over the weekends. I think this is so he can have the flat to himself. He will not take her out though and does not even go on walks with her outside the flat. She goes on her own. He will not even give her a fiver if she runs out of money.

My friends think that we should meet him to question him and make him squirm. My massive fear is her disowning us and us not being there if she needs us. What advice do you have for helping her to see that she is always broke because she has a massive parasitic burden around her neck?

I moved in with with a waster alcoholic older man in my early 20s. It took me a few years to see the light. My parents never met hin either.
Hold your ground with not meeting him. Don't push her away or give her ultimatums. Make suggestions and if funds allow it, pay for her to go travelling or on holidays with the girls away from him.
The final straw from me was when he crashed my car when drunk. This was three years into the relationship. I couldnt get rid of him. I had to leave and do a summer abroad working in a bar to finally break the spell.
I then hated him for years and he died last year, I found out. And I am finally at peace.

I would grit your teeth, smile and meet him. Keep all lines of communication wuth your daughter open. She'll need you at some point.

I did this with my daughter and picked up the pieces when she wised up.

He sounds absolutely disgusting. I'm very sorry for you that he has wormed his way into your daughter's affections and stuck his claws in. I would want to see him face to face regularly, so he knows that she has parents who love and will continue to support her when he has slithered away.

I would meet him and stay very calm. It was seeing my xh with my family and friends (the few times he would agree to see them) that gradually made me click that we wanted completely different things.

Also not sure if therapy is something that a. She has ever shown an interest in and b. you could fund, as that might be a way she can work through why she is enabling this behaviour and allowing her to be taken advantage of.

Do you know her friends well? Would it be worth talking to them about your concerns and seeing if they could talk to her?

No, I would not meet him as you find it extremely difficult if not impossible to hide your true feelings. It is highly unlikely that such a meeting would end well and you don’t want to create drama.

I would take a huge step back whilst keeping the door open.

And stop giving her money. She has to learn that actions have consequences.

Gosh this is awful for you OP. I would dig very, very deep & plaster a smile on your face & meet him. You are more of a thorn in his side if you are present & around for your daughter. Keep regular contact, including him so your daughter does not feel ashamed when she needs your support to separate from him. She will come to her senses, sending you lot's of mum strength 💪

But if you're paying her money every month, isn't it you that's keeping the waster man?

Don't think of it as condoning. Think of it as holding him accountable. Kill him with kindness but show you have your daughter’s back no matter what. Offer to help him look for jobs where you work, offer to babysit so he can take her out, talk about marriage plans in a jokey way (Do I need to buy a hat for when you two lovebirds get married?). Do not, under any circumstances, offer money or loans, but lull him into a false sense of security that you like and trust him. You might get lucky and scare him off, or she might see what a useless dick he is if you’re lucky.

Thanks for all of your advice. Mainly of you writing that we should meet him. We may need to bite the bullet on this one.

I have to give her money as it's always for things like petrol and necessities for work. I am aware that I am also subsidising the waster though. I feel we need to prioritise her keeping her job and good contact with us. I don't want her life falling apart.

I know his parents need repaying. Morally, he should repay them out of his benefits. I would live to know what that gets spent on.

I has one of those waster boyfriends.
my parents refused to meet him.
so I chose him and didn’t see my parents in over a year.

You need to meet him and be as nice as ninepins to him. Sympathetic. Decent. Respectful.
Even if you fucking hate him.

Because that’s the only way your daughter will listen to anything you say. Otherwise she will blot out you saying anything against him.

Far better to have her ear to say
” jimmys a nice person who’s struggling with his mental health, which is a shame”
Then when you say “he really needs to be engaging with the medical profession to get antidepressants as he deserves to be happy like we all do.” she may trot that out to him. And make him go. Which benefits her.

Shes more likely to come to you when she’s low if you’re sympathetic. He may in due time make her feel that way.

If she thinks you’ll be all “I told you so” she won’t. And you need to be there when she needs you. Which we all know she will when she sees the light that he’s an arse.

I would definitely meet him , also be really nice to him. You need to keep him close to see what's actually going on

We lasted almost 4 years together and it was a drip feed of light bulb moments that led me to having my eyes wide opened in the end. Unfortunately by that point in my case, it has started to turn more abusive. I wont lie there was a period of time after this that I left and then went back again, mainly because by that point I had a warped belief that he was the only person who actually saw me for who i was (an adult with my own mind) and understood the mental torture i was now battling with. Everyone else was in the "i told you so stage" trying to wrap me in cotton wool like a child. My grandparents were the only solid and supportive neutral party throughout it all and in the end, when I was ready they helped me leave for good.

It may be worth adding that when I met him I was in an extremely vulnerable position which made it easier for him to slowly manipulate both my beliefs and position in the relationship. Most people ignored my struggles at that time, i was incredibly lonely and an outsider, yet still to this day some people (particularly old friends and people from school) who were around then still label me as "the damaged girl who chose her own trauma."

Imo he will be basking in having made a rift with your dd and her family..

What a sorry state of affairs when users gaslight parents into thinking this is OK to see their children waste their lives away and being manipulated and all they should do is smile and wave.

I'd meet him and hide how much I disliked him. Keep your enemies close is good advice.

I have choose to give her money as it's always for things like petrol and necessities for work

What if you had no money to give her…

Actions have consequences. She is old enough to understand this.

We had similar with my daughter. Got pregnant very quickly with an absolute waste of space. He's 28, never had a job, spends his dole on drugs, sells drugs for family, fond of stealing whatever he comes across. Her being 21 when they started dating was young and nieve for her age, first real boyfriend and she thought the sun shined out of his arse. 3 years later she finally seen the light and dumped him. After years of us pointing out how useless he was. She lives with us and always has done. She paid for absolutely everything, days out, food for his house, his electricity, lent him money which she never got back, everything the child needs (we helped out a lot at the start with big ticket items, now i buy gc what i want not what she needs), she has a good part time job but was always smashed cause he'd always be begging her for money. They were out to dinner with friends and she realised she was the one paying for the 2 of them once again and copped that is was so wrong and had been going on for too long.

A month later she is in a much better place, has enough money that she's actually saving, buys gc and herself whatever she wants, always has money to go out with friends and their children (he never liked her going out without him)and just seems so much happier now than I've seen her in a while. He has zero interest in seeing the child, which proved to her the relationship was only about what he could get out of her.

It doesn't matter what you say to your daughter, she needs to see it and realise it for herself. I would probably meet him just so you dont push your daughter away. Hope she sees the light soon xx

Why is she wasting her youth on this man?

I think you should meet him but maintain you’re not happy about it. Also be clear that you don’t think he’s the kind of man she should consider us a long-term option.

However, as another PP said there is really nothing you can do to make her see sense I have a friend who basically wasted her 20s on a complete waste man. She knew she was terrible. We knew he was terrible. She ended up being a single mum for him now in her 40s she will openly say that was the worst decision of her life but none of her friends could make her sense and unfortunately you can’t make your daughter
see sense, she’ll have to learn the hard way

I don’t think my poor DD has a nadir unfortunately. What she endures is horrendous. We can only hope she comes back to us. She tries to maintain contact but it’s not very much. Thanks for the reply.

Thanks for the advice everyone. Huuskymam, I'm so glad things worked out for your daughter .

Just to be clear, we see and talk to our daughter a lot. She compartmentalises her life. She doesn't talk to us about him. Recently, she has been openly complaining about having no money and so I have been able to explain a bit about why eg electricity never being off, food for two, loan , bigger flat than she needs etc. I've tried to do it calmly. We haven't visited her at her flats for 3 years now, but I'm wondering if we can continue like this. She comes to us or we meet out. She likes to socialise with us, ( perhaps because he won't take her anywhere).

You don’t have to giver her money. You say she has a high paying job. Put your foot down.

Is she pushing you to meet him or is she ok with how things are and do you still have an ok relationship/meet regularly with her? If she’s not pushing it then I’d leave it. If she does want you to meet then I would meet and be as polite as possible - he’ll likely show himself up anyway so don’t make it into something that you can be blamed for. This type of situation normally only ends when she sees sense and if that’s not happened so far then I doubt anything you have to say will help. Just stay supportive and hope she doesn’t make any life-long commitments with him.

I wouldn’t be giving money though. She needs to understand the consequences of being with someone that contributes nothing is that she might not always have enough money.

I agree with the posters saying to meet him. You very much need to keep your dd on side. A conversation with her about this being her life would be really useful. Something along the lines of... ‘We love you very much. And we just want you to know that we realise we have been going about this all the wrong way. Because this is your life and we want you to lead it and that may mean making some mistakes along the way. And instead of telling you what to do, we figure it would be better to just be here for you, loving you if ever you need us.’

You could put that in a text if easier. And then you can agree to meet him. She will probably do a hallelujah my parents get it now. And hopefully it will be the beginning of the end of the relationship. As others have said, the rejection of him will be pushing her further towards him. You don’t have to love bomb him, just treat him with basic courtesy and sew any seeds of doubt you can without overtly criticising him. Eg ‘I am so proud of you. You’re such a hard worker / so good at your job. I guess it’s worrying never having enough money because x has told you he finds working too hard. You’re just so resourceful.’ That may be too overt. But along those lines.

Would she come on a holiday with you? It'd be nice to take her somewhere lovely, maybe she could have a taste of freedom and independence and maybe even a holiday fling with someone nice, who'd lift thos rose tinted glasses she's got for her bf off?