Snooty Mums leaving DD out

[Wiseoldbird51]

We are a hardworking respectable family living in a very snooty town. The school Mums are in a group that I’m not a part of and because of this my lovely DD is left out of most social occasions. It is very sad to witness the heartlessness of her so called friends. AIBU in wanting to challenge the parents or should kids be left to experience their own heartbreak. How have others dealt with this!!

How is a whole town ‘snooty’?

Making this about you will end in disaster for your DD.

It depends on her age. Secondary school mums don't really deal with this. But I can't believe ALL mums are snotty though. Maybe it's you who wish your DD plays with the snooty mums' offsprings? Look around you and I'm sure you will find perfectly normal mums to arrange playdates with.

What age is your DD ? Do you invite your DD’s friends to your home ? Does your DD play a sport / go to a dance or music class or swimming ? Or some other extra curricular activity ?

How pro-active are you at creating opportunities for your daughter ? Your whole school and neighbourhood can’t all be ‘snooty’.

They are friends and they get together socially with their friends and their children. That’s totally normal. We mostly only hang out with the other parents we’re friends with. I just don’t really like small talk with strangers. I’d rather stick to my friends.

But you can facilitate friendships without being best friends with the parents. Have you invited the children over for a play date? I may not want to socialise with randoms, but I rarely say no to a play date unless there are known safeguarding issues (there are definitely children I won’t let mine socialise with, due to substance abuse or risky behaviour or domestic violence in the home, etc). Short of that, it would be rare for parents to turn down play dates with someone their child is actually close friends with.

How old is your daughter and what events are they leaving her out of? Is it just they’re getting together meaning the children are playing at the same time? Are these the only children your child plays with at school?

At primary school age a lot of meet ups of children revolve around the mums being friends too, snooty or not. How do you know your dd is being left out? Is your dd aware? Do you have a chip on your shoulder? because calling a whole town snooty suggests you may do. Maybe that's the issue.

Is it her friends or their mothers leaving her out?

Nowhere near enough info to go on here. How old is your DD? Surely her friends should be deciding whether to invite her to things, not their mothers?

All school mums are in a group, so it's a class group? Have you asked to be added?

Have you invited children round for play date and invested in becoming friends with some of these mums? People are usually quite responsive to good energy and initiating hanging out or activities. And invite them over.
If you want to be part of it you’ll have to become friendly with them. Playground politics.

I completely get you OP - the feeling of injustice/unfairness at a child being excluded. Probably not quite the same but one of my DC is a bit quirky/different, and though he has lots of friends at school and is very sweet and no trouble, I can tell the snooty mums (not the children) judge him, leave him out of social occasions and don’t respond to play date invites. I don’t experience the same exclusion with my other extremely confident and more socially acceptable presenting child.

I think the issue is probably that they just can't see you because of that giant chip you have on your shoulder. If you thought nicer things about the friend's parents they might be more comfortable inviting your DD over. Most people can sense when someone dislikes them.

It could be that they are just very normal people, with very normal lives but that you have made up this whole scenario in your head because it is easier to place the blame on all the other children and parents than to look at yourself. If they are truly friends then they will invite your DD, but not if you are hostile towards their parents.

It’s a bit hard to believe every single other mum is ‘snooty’ and that they’re all actively working to exclude your daughter. There can be, sadly, a group of parents at schools who can be inclined to exclude others but it’s rare, I would say, to be so all encompassing.

Have you got any concrete examples?

I've never understood his mentality if I'm honest.

Kids make friends with other kids if they like them, and not just because their parents socialise together.

I don't think my mum knew a single parent at my primary school, but it never stopped me making friends.

Do you mean for whole family get togethers? If you do, I’d say it’s normal to organise social events with families where the most people match up iyswim. So the mums are friends, rhe dads are friends, all the kids are friends. Normal.

if you mean they are all friends at school but of a weekend, the kids are having a play date and are just inviting all the other friends over and not your dd, then yes that’s weird.

Which town?

How is not being invited being left out? I hope you dont project whatever you have going on to your child this whole school parent thing makes me think parents become whatever weird children they were at school themselves, it seriously cant be normal

Have you tried to make an effort to socialise and make connections with individual people?

I see this a lot on MN. People are rarely ‘snooty’ en masse. They may be more socially confident, willing to make an effort to organise things, or part of a friendship group that happened to be already established. People are usually very open to making new friendships with people who are (1) friendly and (2) regularly crossing their path to chat with.

Don’t challenge them. Stop writing them all off and make an effort to connect with them if you want your DD to be more involved.

Are you not friendly with ANY of the other parents? Don’t have any numbers from party invites etc? I can’t believe your DD has not attended any event at all.

Some of the mums at my DS’s primary school were a bit cliquey and seemed to scorn any attempts to join in. But others were absolutely lovely. You only need a friend or two and you soon start to talk to others.

Have you invited any of the kids for play dates?

Good question, have you invited them and thry have deliberately said no? Do thry genuinely have something against you or have you just thought that

You sound very prejudiced and judgmental. Maybe have a look at that first.

I put YABU only because you will make things worse if you "challenge" them. Most parents will facilitate a playdate with a kid that their DC really likes, even if they don't want to be best friends with the parents. But if you have a go at them, you will mark yourself as someone to avoid.

It sucks when your child is being left out but you can't make people be friends with you. Take a deep breath and offer one-on-one playdates as a way for your DD to connect.