Snooty Mums leaving DD out

[Wiseoldbird51]

We are a hardworking respectable family living in a very snooty town. The school Mums are in a group that I’m not a part of and because of this my lovely DD is left out of most social occasions. It is very sad to witness the heartlessness of her so called friends. AIBU in wanting to challenge the parents or should kids be left to experience their own heartbreak. How have others dealt with this!!

Have they been together all through primary school? Do you invite them to parties, playdates, sleepovers , meetups etc.? Do they engage? Does your DD never get invited to anything or just less/ sporadically?

Where has your daughter met these children? I can’t think that an entire town of parents would exclude a child because of which school they go to or where they live.

The way you speak of the mothers of your dds friends makes me wonder if YOU are the problem OP. Inadvertently. I just can't imagine that your resentment of them is as concealed as you believe it to be. You need to be careful of it rubbing off on your dd as well.

You say your dd is left out of most social occasions? So she does get invited by some friends? Don't make this a bigger deal than it actually is.
It's never to early to empower your dd to recognise healthy friendships and to BE a good friend so ensure you are doing that and don't get caught up in her not being invited to everything. You cannot force these things

Obviously that is not what I mean because I was talking about my own experience. Should OP have said that? Probably not, but I wanted to give practical advice and reassurance instead of picking apart what she says because at the end of the day she’s typing it on a forum and (hopefully) not saying it where he child will pick up on it.

Watch motherland and get off your high horse. Maybe you're the snooty one.

Ah, there it is.

Phew! Not Beaconsfield or Gerrards Cross then. Both have average prices beyond £1 million.

In many areas play dates are curated by parents. You just have to get used to it in primary. DC from these homes don’t get free choice! Individuals on here might not think they are doing it but I bet the badly behaved dc doesn’t get an invitation! Nice well behaved dc only. It’s curated!

OP I understand why you are feeling like this because my SIL experienced the same thing. My nephew is very quiet and shy and didn't find mixing easy. He made a couple of friends at school and their mums were part of a group who were snooty and looked down on others. My SIL was upset that she wasn't invited to things they planned and so her son missed out, she felt. It was like she was running after them shouting Don't forget me! (obviously she wasn't but you know what I mean!).
If your child is 10, she will soon be at secondary school and parents are involved nowhere near as much, only as taxi drivers.
Encourage your daughter to be friends with whoever she likes but keep your relationship with the parents politely at arms' length.

In response to your message I hope I'm doing this right about feeling sorry for your child not being able to go to the events and all the other things that children look forward to. I would be infuriated and someone asked how can a whole town be snooty it's very possible if you've ever lived in North Jersey you know what I mean they raise them that way. Sorry I have a sister up there so I feel like I have the right to say so. Like I feel for you because whenever my son gets invested in one of his cousins or in another child and it's clear that the other kid doesn't want anything to do with my child who I don't understand how that's even possible because he's the nicest smartest just best kid ever and I'm not just saying that because he's my and he just really is then I get super mama bearish. It's hard though like you don't want to go to jail of course you don't want to hurt a child and when it comes to confronting the parents you're anything like me you might not be able to control your reactions because they are adults and you feel like you have the right to do and say whatever you want but not in this Trump World. Sorry Trump lovers not a fan. And I have the right to be and say so. Anyway I feel for you I feel for you for the comments that I'm sure we're posted against you I feel like it's ridiculous that anyone would say anything harsh towards you when you're just caring loving mother who doesn't want to see their child upset for being left out. I think you're awesome I think you care so much about your children that you you actually hurt for them and you're smart enough to vent it out instead of any other means necessary. Definitely don't take any action just keep venting girl just keep talking about it let it out it gives it less power. It's just my opinion but I think you're an amazing mother and you're doing a great job just by that One paragraph that I read I don't know you at all. No folks she didn't hire somebody to make her look better she didn't ask one of her friends to help her out I'm someone she knows nothing about but knowing that she is a caring mother is easy to pick up one when you are yourself a caring mother as well. So just keep on venting girl you got it. And your children should be glad that they have incredible mother like you!

Agree. Maybe this is a new thing? When mine were primary school age, my DCs just had play dates with who they liked. I didn’t really have school mum friends. It was just a case of grabbing one of the mums in the playground after school and asking if little Sammy wanted to come and play at ours for a couple of hours….

How is a whole town like this? Surely the common denominator is you/your family. You sound like you have a bit of a chip on your shoulder and may be the issue is you/your family, sorry. Despite this, I'd leave it to your daughter to make her own friends as all you'll do is alienate her even more. Try smiling and saying hello to people, they'll soon warm to kindness. They may see you as the issue.

Tbh I’d challenge your last comment about playground politics not being intentional. A lot of these cliques do intentionally exclude others. It’s a game/sport for a lot of them.

@Livelovebehappy @SallyD00lally I think you are both missing the point. The mums meet at nursery or the tennis club. It’s not about making friends at school or, not. If mums have no particular school friends and don’t see it as important, they are not curating playing time. Some mums are very different. They are looking for mums like them with similar dc, aspirations, holidays, cars, DH jobs or their jobs, etc. They are not really wanting random dc to be friends with their dc. They might entertain a random friend once but won’t encourage repeats. I’ve seen this a lot. Can be church that brings them together too.

I’m very familiar with snooty-ness op and I’m not sure where I stand on your op.

Our dc went to village school with millionaires and people who parked their range rovers on the ziggy zaggy lines outside the school and had performative cliches that would talk loudly about their skiing holidays and second homes… we, by contrast were from outside the area, on the wrong side of the tracks and very working class.

Our DC were nice personable kids and made friends easily. I could tell I was in the presence of a lot of wankers so kept myself to myself at the school gates and if anything, I chose to be discerning about them rather than the other way around.

It never affected my kids’ status or standing at all. In fact they pretty much left in year 6 being the most popular kids despite our poorer situation. A lot of the nicer school mums and dads were very friendly too. One very very wealthy woman, old school posh but with no airs and graces and not a snobby bone in her body is still a friend to this day.

So I’m not saying ‘snootiness’ doesn’t exist. It most definitely does. But I find it hard to believe that’s the singular reason your DC has been left out.

YABU for all the upthread reasons: but I do like the use of “snooty” - haven’t heard it in years!

Don't challenge them. I've met those types, they would probably sneer at you and make you feel even worse. Things will get easier at secondary school, there is usually much more diversity and children make their own friends away from parent influence or involvement.

I get it OP. I live in a similar town - most would deny it but are a lot of money and status people around and lots of people left out who don’t fit into the uber positive, polished, insta lives and wealthy bracket. I don’t think calling it out will help. I think explaining these dynamics (and how adults can act like bitchy tweens) to your daughter is better. Then supporting her to find new friends and interests outside of that group as much as you can.

To those saying children choose their friends -
yes they do at school and clubs, but the parents 100% influence whether those relationships flourish outside of those settings in my town.

Looking down your nose at people who have made their own money and referring to them as "nouveau riche" is actually a pretty snobby attitude in itself. Perhaps you are giving off prickly vibes towards these women, and they've picked up on it and are steering clear.
It's perfectly normal for people to form friendships more easily with others who are like themselves, have you actually tried to be friendly and are being rebuffed, or is it more that you think your family is being excluded despite making an effort to be sociable?

Op there’s people who have friends/ relatives/ work acquaintances at the school gates and other mums call them cliques, having a knackered mum who doesn’t talk to a lot of people or a mum worried about her children etc etc. and knowing people call them cold or odd … these mums may not be snooty, they may just have clicked/ have something in common etc,

As someone who has been judged a lot for coming from a certain area, try not to make assumptions, some children click others dont. Kids can also be cruel because they’re kids, knowingly or unknowingly. Try to organise play dates with children your child gets on with or who you think she might. Forget about all the class stuff, who cares what a house is worth!

If your daughter is 10 why is this suddenly becoming an issue? Are you sure it isn't your insecurities leading to this perception? There is no reason for parents to do this.

Is this mum meet ups and children tag alone in which case yabu or children class playdate meet up and in which case are in involved in arrangements.... Be proactive re playdates

I guess there is an in crowd and your daughter isnt in it.

When I was at primary school in a small town, the kids whose parents owned their own businesses, were management level, all seemed very friendly with each other and I later realised it was because the parents all hung out together.

I had a friend who never invited me back to her house. I later realised her mother wouldn't allow it - i wasn't one of this group, (my dad had a very good job but he wasn't part of the main group).

Stuff like this does go on. But they only constitute a smallish group. Focus on the others.

Are you perhaps being snooty towards them OP?

You are going to have to make the first move OP. Lots of play dates, inviting kids over, talking to the other Mums, yes it is hard but you have to do it for your DD.

What even is this wall of text?

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