Snooty Mums leaving DD out

[Wiseoldbird51]

We are a hardworking respectable family living in a very snooty town. The school Mums are in a group that I’m not a part of and because of this my lovely DD is left out of most social occasions. It is very sad to witness the heartlessness of her so called friends. AIBU in wanting to challenge the parents or should kids be left to experience their own heartbreak. How have others dealt with this!!

The whole town is snooty? Like some kind of Stepford wives situation?

I'd move, if I were you. To somewhere where the people have some kind of autonomy.

So you have an issue with all the mums in school and everyone in the town too?

School holidays have started for sure. 🙄

Thanks for your support some of the answers on here made me feel that I was the one with the problem. If you live in a poorer part of an extremely posh town it is difficult to fit in. The kids are not judgemental it’s the parents.

What a nasty unhelpful comment. The group I’m talking about is nouveau riche yummy mummies whose children are mostly going to private schools. My DD was unfortunate enough to think she had befriended them but soon found out the hard way. If you are interested the average house price in this town where I have lived all my life is now £650k and it’s NOT London.

10

If your daughter is 10 it won’t be long until the children are arranging their own social life. My 10 year old has just left year 6 so the vast majority of children have phones and will arrange their own social lives (obvs asking parents permission).

The words you use to describe your child's friend's parents are far nastier than anything that poster said. So what if their parents have worked hard and earned their money? Isn't that far more impressive than coming from old inherited money? I doubt they look down on you and your child, you just come from a very hostile place (internally) and they can most likely sense it and don't want to be around it.

I thought the exact same. It’s all so hypocritical. It seems to be fine for the op to insult them, but not the other way round.

Sounds like you have a bit of a chip, OP. Don't pass it on to your child, it's not fair.

This sounds reasonable. Anyway, when DS wax that age, I was guided by who he wanted to hang around with, regardless of whether I thought their parents were nice or awful.

This has to be a wind up

@Wiseoldbird51 You do know when dc is left out - not invited to parties etc. We experienced the same but we lived in the best house! So we found it impossible to break into cliques. The parents like who they like and dc have curated friends. It’s that simple. We left state schools behind as my DDs were shunned. You don’t have that option but there’s probably will be friends available for dc and start looking forward to secondary with a wider pool available. But this can happen to anyone. It’s not dc or you.

Yep you’re just confirming that you are the issue here.

What an inverted snob you are, OP.

Classing a whole town as "Snooty" and describing people as "Nouveau riche" suggests that you're the one with the problem - you certainly have a large chip on your shoulder.

Don't pass this victim complex on to your daughter.

"If you are interested the average house price in this town where I have lived all my life is now £650k and it’s NOT London."

What is the relevance of you having lived in a town all your life? Also, there are loads of places with house prices like that? Are you saying these mums have not lived in the town all their lives? Is this an issue for you? Are they from London and have moved in and bought the more expensive properties?

Is your DD leaving primary and these kids are going to private schools, while yours isn't? How are they leaving her out?

I used to live in an ex council house in a very affluent home counties village. Even though one of the mums (of an American family visiting for a year) said "I used to live on the wrong side of the tracks too", I easily made friends there and my children had, and still have, some very 'posh' friends. I think the thing is to be approachable, open and your honest self, and accept that everyone is different. And maybe not label a whole town as 'snooty'.

You can’t challenge people for having a friendship group that doesn’t include you. It’s common for there to be groups of mums that have befriended each other through years of pre school and primary school, and the social gatherings they have naturally encourage friendship between the children.

It’s not done to intentionally leave anyone out and you clearly don’t like these people very much so I'm not sure why you would want to be friends with them.

I agree with this and the way you have described the parents of these children reeks of jealousy.

It's unclear - is your daughter also at private school, and these are her classmates who you feel are shunning her?
Or they are random local children? If yes, then where are your daughters classmates in this? Children are generally friends with the children they go to school with, not based on who lives near who.

We live in a village where average house price is around 700k, but children come in from cheaper surrounding areas, so my daughter (nearly 10, and 6) has a wide variety of friends at their excellent state school. We may count as the 'nouveau riche' you mention, having grown up in council houses but now living in a million pound plus house. In terms of playdates, I don't 'curate' them at all, beyond insisting that anyone she invites over treats her, me and our home with respect. Her best friends vary between a single mum who is a cleaner to a family who are multimillionaires. There is no 'discrimination' except on behaviours, and arguably that's setting healthy boundaries rather than judging.

We also socialise with some of the parents of her friends based on who we get on best with, and their children come along and all play together.

The only snobbery I have experienced is the inverse kind, those that call my daughter 'the posh kid', make negative comments based on her academic and sports abilities 'she is so annoying winning every race'. Which I appreciate is just jealousy, and I have tried to teach her to ignore it.

I was always a working mum but still got to know other mums. Invite kids over for playdates and parties and take it from there. They aren't been snooty, they just don't know you or your kid.

I understand your frustration OP. We have some very snooty parents at DDs school, who have made obviously made classist comments around their children, which ultimately got back to DD and resulted in her asking “mummy why are you a chav?” which was very funny with her posh voice. You kind of just need to let them get on with it. One thing I try to keep in mind is it isn’t the kids fault, so don’t blame them. If DD wants a play date with any of their kids, I always invite them, and always make an effort to be as smiley and nice as possible (then get in the car and scream). Primary school won’t last forever, once they’re in secondary you will have a whole new set of problems - but you won’t have to deal with other parents.

You mean a snooty, classist comment like “nouveau riche”?

I agree to this post

How old? Because from about 10 onwards mummy has minimal influence on who the kids are friends actually friends with..