Should DH's job come ahead of mine because he earns more?

[OpalFruitsAreBetter]

Both DH and I work full-time with two primary age DC.

DH is the main bread-winner by far - he earns over 3x my salary plus share options etc. It's a demanding and often stressful job, but he is something of a workaholic and he is chasing a promotion.

I recently took new role at a 50% pay cut due to burnout, general unhappiness with my job and the fact neither of us had enough time to devote to DC as we both worked way in excess of our contracted hours. My new job has a much better work-life balance but it's still full-time and I have a team to manage, deadlines to meet etc.

Part of the 'deal' with DH in me taking a lower-paid job was that I'd be able to pick up more of the day-to-day work of managing school pick ups, running the house etc. But I feel like DH has started treating it as if I don't have a job at all and arranges his schedule with little consideration of what my commitments are. For instance, I always have to try to fit my office days around his and never the other way round.

This is starting to cause tension but his trump card is always that we can live without my salary but we can't live without his. Which is true. And my workplace is much more understanding of the demands of being a working parent, which is also true.

So do I just accept that my work has to fit around his?

YABU - he's keeping the mortgage paid so his career comes first
YANBU - just because I'm paid less doesn't mean my job doesn't count

I’m a man on a higher salary than the OP’s DH, my wife earns significantly less than me. Her job is still really important - yes we could live without the money, but she has commitments and a professional reputation to uphold, she wouldn’t want to let people down and I wouldn’t want to put her in that position.

We do what the OP is trying to do, we manage our diaries together and both try to flex when the other needs it. Luckily I’m often able to WFH so I do a lot of the regular drop offs and pick ups, and I’m senior enough that I can (often) push back on meeting requests if they don’t work of us and say sorry, I’m needed at home for childcare.

Occasionally something is genuinely critical, but because neither of us take the piss we are able to step in for each other in emergencies.

I think a lot of men use the “my job’s is more important”, or “If I say no it will damage my career” lines because they see disrupting home life as the path of least resistance. It is a way of avoiding a slightly uncomfortable conversation at work that they would prefer not to have. Their employers then assume that it is reasonable to expect that people are always available with no question, and they respect boundaries even less.

To be clear are you advocating that some people should work full time for no net reward?

That’s quite some take.

And because of this, your wife won't resent you, she'll be happier and your marriage is more likely to last, and your dc will see you as someone present in their lives and be closer to you too as a result.
Win win.

OP you earn more than enough to manage if you ever decide to ditch the disrespectful arse.

apologies, didn't mean to quote a pp in here

OP earns 50K so even if you don't consider the family income (which you should), that's plenty to spend more on childcare to make things easier.

However... the conversation OP just noted is absolute nonsense. If you have to be there on a particular day and now he has to be there, it's a conversation - not a unilateral decision for her to then sort out. I really do think though that the entire setup isn't working out as anyone anticipated, alongside the husband being really dismissive and rude about everything.

Your husband's job is "more important" in that your household couldn't cope without it, that's just a fact.

But his attitude that your job isn't important at all and that he can chop and change his plans without a thought and leave you to solve last minute problems is totally out of order. I would say it sounds like he has delusions of grandeur now he has the "biggest" job and has lost some respect and consideration for you. In that respect HIBU.

In our household I'm the bigger earner, almost double the salary of husband (before tax, a smaller gap after tax). We would agree that if one of our jobs takes priority it would have to be mine, not just because of the money but because I'm 14 years younger and it will keep us going once husband retires.

But I would not behave as your husband does. We chat a couple of times a week to match up our office days and any extra commitments to factor in (i have to take clients out in the evening now and again and occasionally travel to one of our northern offices and he occasionally gets called out to site). Our youngest is 11 but she (and we) much prefer one of us to be home when she gets in from school and in the hols she needs dropping and picking up from holiday club.

Whilst my husband earns less he still has responsibilities and commitments in his job and his 2 day a week office attendance is a target that needs to be met to qualify for pay rises and bonuses so of course I'm not going to screw that up for him. If I had an emergency whereby I had to go to the office an extra day or even a whole week then he would flex to accommodate that but I would also do that for him. The thing about having a senior job is that you tend to have a fair bit of control over your own diary.

So I don't think YABU to expect to be treated less dismissively. The power has gone to his head!

He doesn't respect your role, sorry

I see this time and again on here, man with a big job takes priority. And it's crap not only for OP but for women generally. The more men have someone else picking up the slack for them, the less they empathise with parents (often women) who need to finish work in time for school pick up. And so the cycle continues. Men get promoted. Women get penalised

It should be easily solved, it's not rocket science it just needs diary management.

It's just DH is increasingly assuming he doesn't need to consider any of this as he thinks the default is that I can do it all, irrespective of when we've agreed otherwise.

Did the husband support the drop in OPs salary or did he just have to go along with it. I would be annoyed if my husbands salary went from 100k to 50k (the OP said she took a 50% pay cut) and he made the decision without speaking to me. I think if there is such disparity in salaries the highest earners job has to take priority it is simple maths of family finance nothing to do with the gender of the highest earner.

I've been in a similar situation to you, OP (both corporate lawyers in private practice. I moved to the civil service when DC were small for better work-life balance and by agreement took on the lion's share of the responsibilities at home). I think your AIBU is too black and white (which is the nature of the board, of course).

First, of course your job still counts. £50k is not pin money by any standard and your career progression and satisfaction are as important as his. The fact you had previously agreed that you were going into the office and he then just announced that he was going is obviously unacceptable.

However, you've taken a mutual decision that he will be the major breadwinner. This comes with its own burdens (for him but also for both of you). You know yourself that high-paid high-pressure jobs like these are hard to combine with family commitments, and there are times when the job has to come first. I am very used to my DH having to travel overseas at minimal notice leaving me to pick up the slack- that's the nature of the job and the reason it pays so much money (which in turn is what allows you and me to have a £££££ life on a £££ salary). Yes it's annoying given that I also have an important and fairly demanding job (albeit one that pays less) but that is the deal we have struck.

It sounds as if some give and take is needed on both sides. He needs to understand that your job is important and not just assume you can cover for him when he has agreed otherwise (and when it's unavoidable, apologise profusely and acknowledge your support). You need to keep in mind what a high pressure job like that is like- how hard it is to say no to work commitments in that environment- and that the pressure on him has probably increased now that he is also the primary breadwinner. It's not easy for either of you and needs kindness and understanding on both sides.

Although his job may be more important to household income, yours does require set amount of days in the office, which your DH was aware of. When you're new in a job it's not a good look for your employer to be taking the hits because your husband has a last minute change in his arrangements.

Women are told constantly on here to preserve their careers, childcare is both working parents responsibility. I would be very unhappy that he shuts you down with his payslip.

It may be you need to get childcare arranged on your set days, and those costs should be shared between you.

No, I'm saying that when one partner is a high earner the other partner doesn't necessarily need to be working "at a profit". Jobs potentially bring many things apart from money, to the person, the family and to society. A family is (or should be) a financial unit.

The £2k thing is a short termist view.

Kids age out of childcare. In the blink of an eye they need a week of work experience/help with UCAS/University fees!

It is strange how women in these "big jobs" rarely behave this way.

Almost like something else is at play?

Yes, I think the higher earner's job should take priority (regardless of who is male or female). But I don't think that means that they shouldn't discuss things with the lower earner and give them notice of things that need to be done or changed.

Example:

Husband: "I'm going to a conference the Friday after next so would you be able to take Alice to ballet?" - fine.

Husband: "I'm off to a conference, won't be back till about 11pm, you'll have to take Alice to ballet!" - not on.

You need to have a serious discussion about who now takes which responsibilities, and about the importance of keeping each other informed. Spell out that it is no use him just assuming you will do something if he hasn't mentioned it. If you're not already using one, a calendar might help (if you both remember to put everything on it).

It might not be popular but someone has to prioritise the children, and that is irrespective of earnings.
One of the adults has to be the bigger person and stop point scoring with other one

Or peehaps the common scenario where the male partner doesn't know or care that "Alice" has "ballet" at all 😂

I don't know, why can't both the people be the bigger person? What is the point of being married otherwise?

That’s a long winded way to say “yes”!

Out of interest would you be happy to work full time for no pay? Would the warm feeling of altruism be sufficient to recompense you?

I hope you wouldn't be annoyed if earning £100k was making him significantly mentally unwell.

As I've said earlier, he was 100% behind it because it was obviously untenable to continue in the £100k job.

My husband earns a lot more than me but I'm a teacher and he works from home. I have no flexibility so he has to take kids to and from school and he can have them at home when sick or he can use holiday days for Sport's Days etc. I think it's not who ever earns more but whoever has the flexibility. If you both don't then you kind of have to take turns to a certain extent (but maybe not if it's risking the job of the higher earner). We both share household duties equally in the evening and weekends. My DH is loving life right now cause I'm off for the summer.

I think you’re being harsh on the OP.

I think you’re being harsh on the OP.

I think you’re being harsh on the OP.

Just because he makes more money, doesn't mean he doesn't have to respect you, your time or your job.

My dh was always the main breadwinner, any job I did was around the dc, the hime and his job.

As we couldn't survive without his money his job was the priority that's just the way it was.

I don't know if it's very progressive but there was no point in me trying to make my job equal to his because it wasn't (in money terms) he earns nearly 10 times what I could earn. I did the lions share of the dc the home the everything and a lot of the time I had to be a sahm as he was away a lot.

However if I was working and he wasn't taking into consideration my job and what it entails like actually having to be in the office then we would have to have a conversation. I personally wouldn't be running myself into the ground juggling work and children and the home etc, I did that and it was too much, something had to give and it was my job.
Not everyone has that option, I'm aware it left me financially vulnerable but I made a choice for the dc and I don't regret it.
If he wants to leave me then he can go ahead we have a big house paid off, so I'll have somewhere to live and I'll survive.