To not want to host dh's brother's family alone

[Plumedenom]

Dh is a hobby musician. He signed up for this big concert thing that involves days off and a week of practice beforehand until 1am. We have two kids so that means I'm dealing with everything in terms of childcare and food etc for the week. Fine, ok, it's not every week, but still, it means this week I've been the one doing all the dentist appointments, packed lunches, taxi driving etc, everything. Today he tells me his brother is coming this weekend to see the concert . He and his wife and daughter are all going to pile into our house and stay for the whole weekend while he is NOT AROUND because he is practicing for the evening concerts from early morning until night. AIBU to think he should have told them to book accomodation? We have one tiny spare bedroom so their daughter will be on the sofa. I have no desire to host on my own but I haven't been given any choice in the matter. It's apparently my duty because my parents come to stay (they come to stay because I moved to his home country, and I'm always there when they come to stay). No idea what I want from this thread.

Your DH should be able to make up the spare room and pop to a shop for any food BIL might want. The most I'd do there is remind him it still needs to be done a couple of days before. And likewise to strip the bed afterwards and do the laundry...

I'd give BIL a spare set of keys and the wifi code and tell him to make himself at home, you have some pre-arranged plans during the day so you'll be out from x-y, or are knackered and planning an early night or whatever. Or does he mind watching the kids while you go out, as it's the first chance you've had for a moment alone in weeks due to DH being so busy recently...

As it's only one extra person, it might not be that much hassle to just include him in your dinner plans? I have served fish fingers and baked beans in a similar situation, had little notice and no time/energy/inclination to plan, shop for and cook a proper meal, so my BIL got the same for dinner as toddler DS! Tbf he seemed to quite enjoy it 😅

But it's not just one extra person!! It's BIL, his wife and daughter - hence my comments that they need to book into a hotel (unless I've misunderstood the very first post?)

No you didn't misunderstand but I updated further down that in the end only his brother is coming now. I get that he wants to watch him in the concert, I get that he's just one person. It's just the fact I'm on my own all weekend with him, and we have nothing in common. I'd just like my weekend back given that all I've done for the last week is pander to dh's hobby.

And it was really wrong of your dh to do this, just a bit less awful than what you thought he had planned. Definitely time to start carving out your own time, regardless of dh's wants.

Depends on the relationship you have with the brother as well I guess? I would have no issue hosting myself with my husband brothers family - but I like them and I get on with them and the kids love having them over. It’s different if you don’t really like him or are not fussed etc.

I get that it's slightly awkward having this guy in your space all weekend, but what does 'being on your own with him' all weekend really mean? Can't you just do what you would have done if he wasn't there?

We've hosted my BIL by himself before a few times and tbh it's not that big an imposition. He just holes up in the spare room and does some work on his work laptop or watches films. If we're cooking, I offer him some food, otherwise we get sometime delivered. He stays out of the way to avoid being trampled by the kids 😂.

I'm not going to pretend it's not annoying to have someone in your home when you'd hoped to have a chill weekend in pyjamas with the kids, but in our family at least, hosting BIL is infinitely less trouble than hosting my PIL or parents. He's essentially a temporary lodger.

I'm prepared to be corrected though, and told that your BIL is is a complete slob (or alternatively a complete neat freak!), expects a five course dinner, takes possession of the TV remote on his arrival and shouts "Cup of tea, if you're up?" every half an hour 😂.

He's busy morning til night for a week for 1 gig? Oh, come on now.

He invited them, he can prep your place for them or BIL does it himself in return for a free place to stay.

Be prepared. One musician comes with more.

Hey OP I would also be annoyed with the lack of choice in the matter - you are not his maid.

Well it's done now, just take it easy, get your partner to order some frozen pizza, breakfast croissants etc. for them.

Do what you need to do, take your children outside, the guests can look after themselves / self cater. They can join you outside if they want to - actually spend lots of time outside!

That's what I do when husband unexpectedly invites someone over and I have no say in it - I wouldn't usually mind but I have two under two.

Taking guests outside also means less mess.

Do your own thing; they are your husband's family so they should be welcome in the house but you don't have to host / cater to them - leave it to your husband to sort out and he can tell them they can self cater etc. since he won't be home.

Just seen your update OP

Again take it easy and go about your weekend how you usually would - it won't be awkward x

You don't need to cook, clean or entertain said brother.

Just say right you know where the tea, coffee etc. is, dinner is at so and so - help yourself to it.

Or right, I have plans but partner has ordered you ".....' - help yourself

Or even better get your husband to tell him the above.

That's what I do when my husband has done similar to me, and I simply get on with the rest of my day.

Any mess made by guests I will point out to my husband and he deals with it after they leave.

I never hosted anyone and never lost out by this.
I tend to have very strong boundaries, as for my time and energy being given to others.

I'm clearly in the minority here but I'm not seeing the need for drama. Putting family up every now and again is just part and parcel of having a family, surely? Your parents come down sometimes, now his brother is staying. It's also in preparation for something that your DH has worked hard for - maybe reframe it as supporting your DH rather than 'pandering to him'?

It's also only as much 'hosting' as you're willing to make it. Get on with your day, give him the WiFi password, either put on one extra portion or get a takeaway, maybe watch some telly in the evening. My sister often comes to stay with no notice. She knows where the tea and coffee is, brings her iPad and watches some films, and amuses herself most of the time. Don't make it hard on yourself.

Yes, another very sensible post from you.
I'd actually ask you for advice, if you gave one (not doing that very often). 👍
I'm weird, but somehow male musicians make me
cringe.

I think BIL should tag along to watch the practice or have a wander around the city the concert hall is presumably in? Or festival for that matter.

One man - I'd just get on with your weekend. Go out for food ahead of the concert.

I just can't imagine any world in which I would invite my sister for the whole weekend, and I'd not be there for any of it, leaving her in the company of my husband.

No - I wouldn't do that either, because surely she would be there to see you, and if you're not going to be there, then what's the point?!

Its very easy to offer hospitality when someone else has to provide it ....

Why can’t he go with his brother and watch him practice Saturday daytime

or leave him to his devices while you go stuff with kids

It's fine. I'll survive. Just two selfish guys doing exactly what they want and not considering the impact on anyone else in the equation.

I get why it works out like this if they’re here to see what he’s doing if you know what I mean. I think having family over is great for the kids to be honest, especially around something like a concert where there’s even more excitement. I’ve hosted dh’s family while he was at a work thing and yea extra work but everyone had a good time.

I would be making sure that once the concert is over i would book a mini break / spa day / theatre trip for myself and reclaim ‘my time’.

DH and I have a rule that our respective families mean we are the main host. The other is invited to the dinner/drinks and may do a supermarket trip for fresh bread (more for a break than a chore tbh!!) We also make up diy baskets for guests and are upfront about which plans they can / cannot join.

Oh shoot, I always thought that DH means 'darling husband' never thought you can use it for dickhead too 🤣

This is the kind of shizz my husband pulls 😡 all of rando family and friends and I'm expected to buy all the food including takeaways which we have NEVER once been offered any contribution towards, or cook and run around serving and cleaning etc while he either sits holding court like the king or half the time he's away with work and I'm expected to host them, and he wonders why my nose gets out of joint 😤

Quick update for those who like closure. BIL came, had no plan. On the Saturday we went to the concert which started two hours late due to rain and got home at 2am. My wonderful friends came out for lunch with us on the Sunday to dilute him a bit for me. After the lunch, he had me making cups of tea and borrowing my laptop to print things. Then he did some snoring on the sofa. I gently suggested we go to a local event in the evening which he eventually went along with. Every time we need to do anything or go anywhere he takes twenty minutes to stop his doom scrolling. Got back, he wanted to watch any football he could find on tv. I left him to it and got on with my life. He's still here this morning and now I need to work and I hope he pisses off home very soon. I was meant to be in the office today but daughter has a fever, probably due to the 2am concert and rain on Saturday. So I'm at home working from home, with bil lounging around, and my husband has happily trotted off to the office. Tonight I told husband to be home on time because I'm going out for a drink with my colleagues, even if it kills me.

You should have sent him off with your DH, he could have tagged along with him for the weekend.

I personally prefer to get a hotel or airBnb if going to see family (apart from my mum), it’s easier for everyone. I am someone who has hosted many visitors over the years as I moved near a major tourist attraction and people are usually happy to pile into mine, which means me giving up my bed. A friend and her teen DD came this weekend for a concert and she booked a hotel (there’s a travelodge 5 mins from my flat) and it made life so much easier for all of us that they had their own beds / breakfast.

On the cup of tea front, why didn’t you just point him at the kettle?
We have return annoying visitors soon - my relatives so I can’t absolve myself of all responsibility - I have already internally decided to dial back on the hospitality, it’s hard when you’re internally programmed that way.

Why is food not paid out of joint account

Why didn’t you show him the kettle? And at help yourself ?

hopefully he will go soon or as 9am just say I’ve got to work now let yourself out when you leave this morning 😂

enjoy drinks tonight