To not want to host dh's brother's family alone

[Plumedenom]

Dh is a hobby musician. He signed up for this big concert thing that involves days off and a week of practice beforehand until 1am. We have two kids so that means I'm dealing with everything in terms of childcare and food etc for the week. Fine, ok, it's not every week, but still, it means this week I've been the one doing all the dentist appointments, packed lunches, taxi driving etc, everything. Today he tells me his brother is coming this weekend to see the concert . He and his wife and daughter are all going to pile into our house and stay for the whole weekend while he is NOT AROUND because he is practicing for the evening concerts from early morning until night. AIBU to think he should have told them to book accomodation? We have one tiny spare bedroom so their daughter will be on the sofa. I have no desire to host on my own but I haven't been given any choice in the matter. It's apparently my duty because my parents come to stay (they come to stay because I moved to his home country, and I'm always there when they come to stay). No idea what I want from this thread.

Can you see it as a chance for your kids to get to spend some time with their auny, uncle and cousin - like a sleep over?

Having your neice on the sofa will be a pain - why not put her in one of your kids rooms? Or if that won't work, one of your kids gets the small spare room amd your inlaws stay in their room.

We had family who lived abroad when I was a kid and they used to stay with us for a couple of weeks - we'd swap rooms around to make sure there was room for everyone, and if anyone had to sleep on the sofa, it was my teenage brother.

It's only one weekend, I think you might be a bit pissed off that you've been carrying the parenting load for the last few weeks.

I think you need to suck this up for your husband and your kids - the inlaws are their family, your home is their home too, and they should be able to have people to stay over.

Are they coming to support your DH? Then it shouldn't be costing them. He's right that if you put your parents up, his family also gets to stay. The same argument applies to your parents, you are all 40+ and not poor. However in my world you don't host family, they get free bed space, but everything else is shared, or separate.

Oh god, sounds horrible. Can you take baby somewhere else for the weekend and tell him that the place had better be immaculate when you get back?

@Plumedenom I’d be going away for the weekend (with the kids) if he sprung that on me.

He owes you a week holiday. Very self indulgent hobby he chose; having multiple people pandering to him to accommodate his swanning off to play an instrument.
Tell him to sort the spare bedroom and meal planning and food shopping, he has no excuse to not do this.

He can choose to have people in the house But does not get to dictate your time.

'your home is their home too' -this is incorrect and just weird 😄.

Since money isn’t an issue so, then do everything to simplify things. Instead of cooking, eat dinner out/takeaway, or buy a nice dinner from a good delicatessen. Fill the fridge with lunch and breakfast bits and tell your guests to help themselves.

Obviously, your DH should help you or do the shopping for the above himself. Same with getting the guest room ready.

If you’ve plans already made, then tell your guests that you’ll be out during that time, etc.

Sometimes, with families we have to do things we’d prefer not to but if it’s a once-off type thing, it’s not the end of the world. It would be different though if you have a DH that doesn’t do anything around the house/cooking, etc - in this case I wouldn’t put much/any effort into hosting and tell your DH they are his guests, not yours.

Im the poster on a recent thread about my elderly MIL coming to stay and her son told me he would be off out on the second night to the cinema with his son leaving me to host. There was mixed reactions.
My MIL is less mobile and on her own and I wasn’t up for default hosting.
I agree again here that you are not default host and should make yourself busy at the weekend with things you need to do. At least with a group coming then can entertain themselves more.

Can you attend the concert OP or are you childcare again while your other half performs?

Fuck that - put them up in a hotel or Airbnb near where the band is playing so that they have “more fun things to do than wait around for OP and baby at home.” They can sort out their own meals and eat what they want then.

Can you and the kids go away for the weekend?

He needs to learn that he can’t do this to you.

Yes, agree, have them to stay but don't need to do much active 'hosting ' - have food for breakfast and lunch in the fridge easy cold stuff, everyone can help themselves.

Dinner i would either cook a simple big meal or get takeaway

It sounds like you've built alot of resentment because of the background of him disappearing leaving you holding the baby. If cash isn't an issue, make life easier during this time, buy in help? And make sure you get a hobby/ sport you enjoy that takes you out so you feel it's more balanced?

Id just be clear with your husband that you wont be entertaining or hosting as you have plans, so itll just need to be a base for them.

So if you don't like having your own parents stay, and it sounds a bit like he's doing tit for tat inviting his family to stay over, could you say "fine. My parents won't stay here anymore, they'll get a hotel"?

It's not really fair that you can have people stay but he can't, although I know women tend to do more prep and hosting so it's not exactly the same. I hate people staying in my house but that goes for everyone.

this precisely

I hate situations like this because you either go along with it with a smile plastered on your face or you stick to your guns but it gives off arsehole vibes to his family. Been there!

So the plan has emerged slightly more clearly and it's just his brother coming, which is logistically easier but socially more awkward.
I just can't imagine any world in which I would invite my sister for the whole weekend, and I'd not be there for any of it, leaving her in the company of my husband.
I'm just going to have to put up with him. I'm not surprised his wife sent him alone. She has gained a weekend of peace at least. Should have known two men came up with this excellent plan.

You have summarised my feelings very nicely.

I agree OP, I don't like people staying and I personally wouldn't want to cram into someone else's home either. So yes, they should've booked a hotel especially as they aren't hard up. But this is something important to him, it doesn't happen very often (if ever?) and it is kind of part of married life. It's really a done deal now and, assuming your DH isn't generally a total prick, I think you'll just have to suck it up.

Do make sure your husband NEVER EVER tries to pull any such stunt again. Make it crystal clear to him that any offers of hosting while you are there are to be run past you FIRST and before any agreement is ever entered into.

Glad it will only be awkward, weird and annoying rather than a massive inconvenience.

Anyway this situation has hardened my heart and I've phoned a friend about an independent apartment for my parents close to our house for when they come later this year because as much as I love them, these situations are no fun for anyone in a small house. I hate having visitors!

Well, no, when OP believed it was the whole family it was indeed massive prick behaviour and husbands don't get to bank a couple of times of being an absolute and total prick before wives tell them to get stuffed. That's how a lifetime of being treated like shit begins.

The journey of husbands stomping on their doormat wives begins with a single unchallenged arsehole step.

Good for you :) I put up with families visiting for years, we had a big house, and it was still fucking awful. Honestly, it's not a bad idea to stay in a small place forever so you can have that as an excuse, we had no excuse and were taken advantage of regularly. Hated every second of it, but I smiled and did it anyway. Would NOT do it now.

Same here

If it's just the brother, presumably you're not expected to do anything for the man and can just ignore him? Your husband can make up a bed for him.

Sounds like it was planned by Nathan Fielder.

You tell your DH he has to do everything for them - prepping beds, stocking fridge, cleaning up etc and you won't be doing any meals for them.
I'd warn your SIL in advance - so excited to see you all, just a heads up I'm a bit frazzled while he's been practising so not in host mode - I've cleared a space in the fridge for you guys so you can make yourself at home/stock up at the local Sainsbury's on the way etc