Dr telling teen they’re unusual for not doing drugs

[TheHarshTruth]

The conversation went like this…

’Do you smoke?’

’No.’

’Do you drink alcohol?’

’Only a little bit of wine sometimes with my parents at dinner.’

’Do you take drugs?’

’No. Never.’

’Well you’re very unusual. Most kids your age (17) are off doing ecstasy every weekend.’

I do understand that he was probably trying to create a space where it felt OK to confess to dabbling in drugs. But would a lot of teens not take from this, ‘Even a qualified doctor seems to expect me to take drugs, so perhaps I’ll try some next time I’m offered! Seems like it actually is quite acceptable to do them, nevermind what school and my parents say.’

AIBU?

I know

OP mentions no gender and doesn't say it was their child (and later confirms it was then) yet people have immediately made the assumption of it being "your son"

Interesting

Yeah, but many teenagers do things for the only reason that 'most people, x,y or z' do it. And adults as well.

Most people deny it! Even when they do. They think weed doesn’t count, social coke doesn’t count. Like most people deny not taking their medicines, even when they never take them. And sexual health clinics ask what sex your last partner was even if you say you are straight, because huge numbers of “men who have sex with men” claim to be straight while accepting blowjobs from men.

So we are trained to ask in different ways, in a manner which suggests we aren’t going to react badly. So, we ask “do you take your tablets every day or sometimes skip them? How many times a week do you skip them do you think?”

And “do you take drugs? No? How about weed? Not even in a vape?” because the number of people who say no they don’t take drugs even when they do smoke weed daily is astronomical.

To be fair, DD kind of guessed that. She just found it funny, as if the assessor didn't realise weed was a drug.

Ive only read the first page so you have clarified this was in the distant past because the reference to ecstasy didnt make sense initially!

Drs dont often have much humour and when they do its not that great, bit clumsy, thats all it was. Kids are self concious and self absorbed so normally whatever you say to them they're left feeling something is 'wrong with them'. You can reassure them when you have an actual relationhsip with them but an off the cuff remark the doctor made isnt going to be able to be put right.

I think some people would have laughed it off, others would have taken it seriously, others it would have just gone over their head.
I think it depends on the life stage of the same age of child, I was living independently at that age so probably wouldnt have given it much thought although would have been conscious that I didnt have the time, nor spends to be racking up nights on drugs (was pre ecstasy rage) and would have felt a bit resentful about that and thought yeah I have to be up early each day for work!

Yes, ditto! Thanks for sharing that. I could do schoolwork but didn’t relate to my peers very well on virtually anything else for a while.

It does seem unfair that perceptions of teenagers are very narrow relative to other age groups. E.g. if you think of ‘a 15 year-old,’ you probably assume them to be into current music, certain TV shows, certain fashions…. Whereas if you think of ‘a 38 year-old’ or ‘a 48 year-old,’ you likely picture a lot more variation. Or perhaps this is less true nowadays?

Fair point. I still think a doctor talking about most teenagers every weekend is ridiculous. Yet I do get that most people have a tendency to underestimate and that it can helpful
to pave the way to encourage more honesty. Quite a fine line to read at times between unintentionally normalizing undesirable behaviour, especially with teenagers.

To be fair / it’s pretty relevant in those cases. ADHD makes you a high risk for addiction issues. My ex had them and I’m worried about my dd being prone.

she is 14 and had her adhd assesment last week - she was asked the same thing.

i know that a number of her friendship group have tried alcohol - one friend was even allowed have regular wkd. Apparently her dad stopped her when it got to one a day…..

I agree with you op.
I think a fair chunk of the culture and pressure around drugs /sex /drinking can come from messaging from adults that all the teens are doing that

I've made a point of telling my children that plenty of teens don't do any of these things, even some of those who brag that they have.

That’s so weird. I never did drugs. I tried weed once but I was 27.

What a strange comment from a doctor. I’d make a complaint personally.

If this were now, I’d definitely have something to say.

Poor humour I think.

Assuming your DD does not take drugs, glad to read that she does not condone the murders of young black men which are one consequence of the trade in illegal drugs.

Personally I do think Doctors question things which are out of the norm. We recently had health assessments and one question was around alcohol. We do have a drink but rarely, a previous doctor called us 'occasional drinkers' ie occasions Christmas birthday etc and then we are talking maybe 4-5 units max.
We chose less than1 unit per week and he questioned whether that was truthful and would need further information, simply, in our eyes, because its not the norm!

Edit: I'm not saying taking drugs IS the norm but no to drugs AND / OR any alcohol is prob a bit unusual for a 17yr .

Interesting point that the doctor might have been trying to lighten the atmosphere so you’d feel comfortable telling him if you took recreational drugs. If you did, it would’ve been useful or relevant for him to know and a 17 year old’s first instinct might have been to lie about it.

Plenty of ways to say that without making a teen feel weird if they don't do something

Ecstasy-probably not. But most 17 year olds will probably have tried weed. Even the “good kids”. 🤔

Knowing this guy as I did (since I saw him a few times over a number of years), I don’t think he gave the comment much thought. I think he was just genuinely surprised and was probably quite a keen recreational drug user himself, both then and in his youth.

His next thing was his obsession with why I hadn’t lost my virginity, even once I started clubbing and dating. I think he really truly thought something was wrong.

Honestly he was a jerk.

Incredibly inappropriate and unprofessional.

Why were you discussing your virginity?… was he some sort of pervert?!…. I don’t think I’ve EVER discussed that with a doctor.

My DD is a teenager… I regularly tell
her how wonderful it it that she’s not a sheep.

Like me she doesn’t just follow blindly for popularity…. Kids are so jealous of her individuality ! Thankfully she’d rather have a few good friends than lots of fake… and she’s the wisdom to know the difference.

Im always sure to tell her what a wonderful person she is and how proud I am…. If a doctor made her feel like this I’d be complaining!…. But people got away with so much, particularly men years ago

I never questioned it at the time but it did seem reasonable to me back then for a doctor to ask if one was sexually active. Yet when I said I wasn’t and admitted I never had been, he wanted to know why and whether there was perhaps a problem. Just not having met the right person/never having been in a situation where it felt quite right, didn’t seem to be enough for him. I remember him asking whether I would have a one night stand, whether any of my friends had one night stands, whether I’d feel the need to tell my parents if I had one, etc.

On reflection, yes I reckon he probably was a pervert.

My God, it gets worse and worse with your Doctor!

I found his profile on the old friends reunited site. He’d written something about how he had ‘no wife, no kids that he knew of, just a few little pets.’ Perhaps not so terrible for a bloke in his 20s but he would have been well into his 40s by this point.

Weird reaction, it’s not even about you.

At that age I would have felt quite pleased that I wasn't like "everyone else". It would never cross my mind to go and try drugs. The Dr probably thought it refreshing that you proved him wrong because maybe he was fed up with trying to instil a sense of health and wellbeing into people when they do the exact opposite. Don't forget he'd seen the damage drink, smoking and drugs do to people and their families.

GP sounds like an absolute fucking muppet. Also are they in 1990?