Sister's wedding and no children invited

[BigSister1991]

My younger sister is getting married next year and no children (including family children) are invited to any of the wedding celebrations. We will have two children by then (aged 2.5 and 6 months). They are the only children in the family.

The wedding is 2 hours drive from our home and over 3 days - starting on Friday and ending on Sunday.

Our blood family only consists of my Mum and Sister and so I'm disappointed that my Sister would not want her nephew/niece there or want to include them in the day (and that there won't be any photos of them there). I work full time and weekends with my children are important to me and so I'm sad to have to spend 2 days away from them.

The expectation from my Mum and Sister is that me and my husband attend the wedding without our children without complaint and sort and pay for any childcare arrangements that are required.

OP, I think you have no option other than to tell your DSis that the 3 day arrangement simply des not work for you and is impossible from a childcare pov.

Apart from anything else you might still be doing some breastfeeding at 6m.

Have a think about your own options - leave the children with Inlaws / other family just for the day and go for the day with your DH, or leave children with DH and go alone, maybe staying one night, and then present your preferred option to your DSis calmly and factually.

I would not have left my 6m overnight at that age - it was 9m before I did that, and I hated it. But I know people with very close ILs / grandparents do this regularly - up to you and dependent on circumstances.

I would also tell her that under the circumstances you think you cannot really fulfill MoH role in full so you understand if she wants to appoint someone else.

If the conversation strays do feel free to tell her that you understand it's her day and she has chosen the fabulous Michelin starred child free venue but that personally you cannot hep but feel hurt that she doesn't really consider her nieces / nephews to be family enough to have thought about venue.

Lol, the "expectation" by the majority of humans is that you act like a normal person and go without whining about your kids endlessly but clearly the pointless endless whining is your plan and you've already started.

Your kids aren't going, so get used to it.

You can not go or go, your choice. That's the entire scenario.

Not sure why this nonsense keeps coming up on mumsnet. In other news, water is wet.

I think if you’re telling guests what to wear (the recent thread where everyone had to wear black, no colours allowed at all, even coloured nails) then you’re not viewing them as guests, just models. Or props.

This 100% 👏🏻

Oh, and child free weddings were very much the norm in the 80s, much to everyone's delight. It was the rare exception that had kids there, and usually people hated it.

Not that this matters, of course, but the usual "Never heard of this" bollocks will have been trotted out.

Anyway, your kids are not going, so you're going to have to accept that.

Tell your sister you have chosen not to be in the wedding party as you don't want to go without your kids, tell her politely, then have no further discussions on it. Or go without your kids and don't whine. Those are your two options.

Well, to be fair you have two other options, go or don't go and endlessly snivel on about it. You're off to a good start here 😂

One thing is for sure…if your sister becomes a mother herself, I hope she remembers how she treated you, and is as quick to bow to all the demands of people who may invite her to weddings in the future. I wonder if she would be as quick to leave her own babies/toddlers for that amount of time 🤔 She may in time realise how unreasonable this is.

Also, a willing and trusted babysitter at that. As many on MN seem to expect others to just pay for complete strangers to mind the young babies and children whilst the adults swan off to child free weddings without a worry.

You had a child-free wedding, didn't you @thelakeisle ?

I went to many weddings in the 80s - still in church halls, possibly a marquee on the garden, catering by a collective of relatives, possibly an outside caterer if quite rich.

Kids tearing about unsupervised, sitting under tables drinking the dregs from wine glasses while parents got rat-arsed and many smoked.

Yes, props. That thread was particularly bad.

Are you coming back, OP?

I eloped to Las Vegas, it was fantastic, left all the bitching "But this is what I waaaannnntt" relatives behind and did as we pleased, just as any bride and groom should do.

Nope, no weddings I went to bar one in the 80s and 90s had kids. Everybody complained about the one that had kids because we were forced to watch them doing a fucking turn on the dance floor. Adults just wanted to get on with drinking and dancing and instead had to sit politely while kids bored us all to death with a highland fling, or some such nonsense.

Adults were delighted to leave their kids with someone and have a proper adult day out. Absolutely normal.

In my opinion that's not it. I don't care about perfection, I'm not on Instagram or Facebook or whatever else. And I still don't want kids at my wedding.

I'm sure they're very nice but I don't think everything they do is amazing and I don't feel it's in any way making my day 'complete' to have them there. I think it's odd that so many people feel like it's mandatory

Yes, I understand that some people will choose not to come - but it'll be just that, their choice. If they want to make it work they will.

I’ve never been to a child free wedding - just goes to show - guess it’s different social circles - and avoiding additional expense for the guests

also never asked family or friends to get a hotel when we can all shove up and have people at home / I mean do I think they are made of money?

would never refuse to invite in someone who just popped by on the off chance

I must admit there seem to be a little children are a different species vibe on some posts

Its her wedding day so let her have it how she wants it.
Ive seen many wedding days with kids and it's a nightmare.
My friends sister got married last year and the kids no offence to anyone were ruining it.
Crying shouting running up and down.
Tantrum because they wanted cake.
Devices on high volume dueing the speeches.
One that cried and winged loudly through the ceremony.
Felt sorry for the bride tbh she kept a smile but you could see through it.

And the parents did nothing but say the same thing over and over shhh shhh watch your ipad play with the phone shh shh.
My friend said if she ever gets married it would be adults only.

I was thinking the same, @needtostopnamechanging and it's only fairly recently that I've come across them. As you say it probably depends on your culture and community and differences in attitudes to weddings.

I’d just not invite the adults who are so disrespectful

Link to an educational post that clearly shows that it was ALWAYS bad manners to expect an invitation for children to any wedding. It's not a new thing, wish mumsnetters would stop pretending otherwise and stop trying to reinvent the wheel.

“It is the correct thing…To be married in the morning at a nuptial Mass.”
“It is not the correct thing…To forget that the late council of Baltimore prohibited the celebration of weddings in church after five o’clock in the evening.”
“It is not the correct thing…To take babies and crying children to church.”

That's from the Catholic Herald, 1892. There are many other examples in the post.

https: // saronkabel dot com/post/childfree-weddings/

But to be honest, everyone already knows that it's totally standard to have child free weddings if the bride and groom so choose. You just think you're entitled to special consideration because "reasons".

Well, you're not.

Yeah this. ^ I went fairly recently to one of those big-ass stupid weddings with a big budget/12 hour milling around for the guests, and people were told they HAD to wear black and white only. Most people didn't feel comfortable in white and couldn't find anything decent in white, and the men weren't wearing white suits (like fucking John Travolta!)

So most people just wore black, It looked more like a funeral. The couple have already split up. A few months ago. Together 10 years. Married less than a year. They spent £30,000 on the wedding. £10,000 of it was from her parents. They're not happy. (The parents!) The father has said he wants the £10,000 back LOL.

Baltimore?

So, the Catholic Herald of 1892 in Baltimore?
I have been attending Catholic weddings all my life. I'm in my 60s. In our RC weddings in London, children were always invited. I went to loads as a child. My children did. The same with Muslim, Jewish and Hindu weddings I've been to.
Maybe in some communities it was adults only, but child free was certainly not the norm in my personal experience.
However. As said by pp, the couple's choice.

Awful! I'm guessing black and white was for the photos? Boring.

You really dislike children don't you @thelakeisle ?

So, when the OP declines because she can't get childcare then the bride throws a strop, who is being unreasonable here?

Yes. It was not a thing in my circles . My daughter was a bridesmaid at 2 ½.

Speaking from experience Hindu weddings yes. But now less and less as young couples are now having the weddings they want instead of doing what their parents tell them to do.