Sister's wedding and no children invited

[BigSister1991]

My younger sister is getting married next year and no children (including family children) are invited to any of the wedding celebrations. We will have two children by then (aged 2.5 and 6 months). They are the only children in the family.

The wedding is 2 hours drive from our home and over 3 days - starting on Friday and ending on Sunday.

Our blood family only consists of my Mum and Sister and so I'm disappointed that my Sister would not want her nephew/niece there or want to include them in the day (and that there won't be any photos of them there). I work full time and weekends with my children are important to me and so I'm sad to have to spend 2 days away from them.

The expectation from my Mum and Sister is that me and my husband attend the wedding without our children without complaint and sort and pay for any childcare arrangements that are required.

That’s a little bit dramatic!

The OP has lots of options of how to work this out. She just needs to make a decision.

I don’t think OP’s sister should invite the children if she doesn’t want to, but I never understand the “if she invites them she’ll have to invite all children” argument.

The last wedding I went to, there was a toddler the same age as my youngest. He was the only nephew of the couple. It would have been completely batshit for me to then think “hang on, how come the bride is inviting her nephew and not my totally unrelated child!! That’s not fair!” He was invited because he was the bride’s nephew, not because he was the child of a guest. There were several guests with young children who’d been left at home because they weren’t invited. I don’t think anyone had trouble understanding the difference between their child and the bride’s nephew.

We recently attended a child-free wedding of couple who were the most strict about wanting it to be child-free.

However, even they invited the groom’s 3 young nieces and nephews (they stated this family exception to other guests on the invite- we completely got the distinction) and their maid of honour brought her youngest only as still breast feeding. This child was older than your baby OP. This did not feel unfair to us, who left our older, non-family children with my Mum.

It sounds a bit like she loved this venue which happened to be child free and given yours are the only kids in the family which aren't a great age for weddings anyway she said what the heck and booked it anyway.
I understand that you're disappointed they're not there but like others have said, it is ultimately about her and her partner and I wouldn't miss seeing her get married so I'd drive up on the day of the wedding and leave my partner at home( assuming his family couldn't mind them of course) .

if you don't go, it would look to the wider family that you had a big flounce because your kids weren't invited to the day and that would (irrationally) annoy me .

"Happened to be child free"? So, she went ahead with it, knowing the impact on her own sister?
I think there's more going on here, as pp have said..

This ultimately all comes down to people having no regard for their guests.

We had a childfree wedding but made an exception for our nieces (who were all under six) and a friend who had a new born.

Fine to go childfree but you can’t then get funny when people can’t make some or all of the wedding for that reason.

Similarly, I had a friend who got married in Hawaii. I was invited. I declined because although I could afford it, I didn’t want to spend that kind of money on it.

True, @FranzXaverSuss . I had a friend who chose to get married in Cyprus "treat it like a holiday!" she said. No, a holiday is a venue and destination I'd choose!

You don't know whether she has lots of options or not.

What we know is that it's a totally childfree venue with an expectation of full weekend attendance and no kids from OP and DH. The other things people have been suggesting are either assumptions, like in laws/friends and other hotels that could accommodate DC close by, or things we have been actively told will be an issue like DH staying at home.

This ultimately all comes down to people having no regard for their guests.

You have hit the nail on the head @FranzXaverSuss

We had 4 young children at our wedding. If we had stipulated no children neither DH's sister and her family not my godmother would have attended. Although, it didn't occur to me to have a child free wedding anyway.

We had an afternoon wedding to allow guests time to travel and only require one night at the hotel.

I don't understand the "my wedding, my day" attitude of so many brides. It is so narcissustic.

Banning children from weddings is weird. Just give the weekend a miss.

But I'm not sure I would know banning children from weddings was even a thing if I didn't read this forum. I've genuinely never come across it in IRL and I've been to plenty of weddings!

I have no issue with my children not being invited to weddings but once got an invitation that said “we love your children but we want to give you the gift of a night off, so the wedding is adults only!” (This was written on all invitations, not just mine).

No. If I wanted a night off, I would just decline the invitation for my children and come by myself. Absolutely don’t invite children if you don’t want them. But don’t pretend like you’re doing me a favour. Why should you be doing me a favour, it’s your wedding! Just say you want it child free, and we’ll drop this pretence that it’s for my benefit.

I think “treat it like a holiday” has similar vibes of aren’t you lucky we’re having this wedding.

Missscarletintheroom, that is a reflection of the type of people they are. What a thoughtful couple. They’ve got off to a very good start with extended family showing them what a considerate pair they are.

Or maybe weddings have become overly polished and aiming for 'perfection'. Families are never perfect, and its not just the kids who don't behave. I think people need to relax a bit, go with the flow, don't try to choreograph everything, and enjoy the memorable bits (which are usually the bits that go wrong!). Accept kids and family and friends for who they are and then everyone can make the most of their day.

I'm the same, I hate this "we're doing you a favour!" vibe, whether it's childfree, abroad or whatever.

Yes, I think so. The day may not be perfect, but having the whole family there, including children, just makes it complete. I've never known children to "ruin" a wedding, but as you say, some people are looking for Instagram perfection maybe?.

They can say this, but you can also say no!

It wouldn’t be unreasonable at all for you not to go.

Or, alternatively, if you’d like to do this, it would be reasonable to go on your own, leaving your children with their other parent.

My brother got married in Portugal (SIL is Portuguese) when DS was 5 months and we couldn’t make it work for our family of 4 to all go - I went with DD (then 5) and exh (H at the time) stayed with DS. Taking a 5 month old and all their paraphernalia for three nights just seemed too much! He was mixed fed though.

It's not dramatic, it's all there in the OP's posts.

• The wedding is from Friday to Sunday.
• The OP's sister and her mother are both expecting the OP and her husband to go for the whole thing and find a babysitter.
• It's not just a child free wedding but also a child free hotel, so she can't get a babysitter to stay in the room with her children whilst she and her husband are at the wedding.
• The OP and her husband are expected to stay at the hotel, which has been pre-booked for them.

How many options do you think the OP has, exactly?

I think it's extremely unlikely that she could find a babysitter willing to take a baby and a toddler from Friday to Sunday, which means doing what her sister wants is probably impossible.

So the only options she has are different ways of pissing her sister off. If she only goes for part of the time, her sister will be pissed off. If she goes without her husband, her sister will be pissed off (and her 6 month old baby will probably be very upset). If she doesn't stay at the hotel, her sister will be pissed off.

So not pissing off her sister isn't a sensible objective at this point. The only question is how much effort it is reasonable to make in order for her sister to be less pissed off.

There's no way I'd leave my little ones for 3 days with non-family!

Your sister is perfectly entitled to have a child-free wedding but she can't expect you to spend 3 days & nights indulging that, at the expense of your babies.

I'd go to the actual wedding ceremony & reception & that would be it! If that's not acceptable to her, then I wouldn't be going at all!

Could you bring your kids to the hotel with you, arrange for a sitter during the day/evening & then you & your husband take it in turns to nip back to check in on them? That would be the only way I'd even consider going, if it were me.

It's a real shame that your mum & sister can't see how difficult the situation is for you.

Does your Dsis know you are pregnant yet OP?

It's been said a few times, but maybe you've missed it: they have been booked into a child free hotel by the sister.

Same. Ditto brides telling guests what to wear.

Yes, that's a new development. I just can't imagine the mindset to do that!

Oh, that's even worse! She can't expect her sister to leave her kids at home, hours away, for 3 days, with no family to take care of them! 😡

It means her only option is for her to go alone, without her husband. Nope. Wouldn't do it. 🤷‍♀️

Yes, I think that's why people are being so critical of the sister. It's too much to expect, really.