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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Verbally assaulted?

92 replies

Belladog1 · 21/07/2025 13:35

Hi guys,

I hope you don't mind the long message, but I feel I want to write down what I am feeling and get your opinions on it.

On Saturday I went online to see a local person (10 mins) was in need of a fridge\freezer. Wondering if anyone had one to sell. I did, so I said I was looking for £100 and sent photos. She immediately said she wanted it. Great. I did say she would need to bring someone burly with her as it was heavy and in the shed. She then wrote that she couldn't leave the house as she had to stay in with her children, but her partner and trailer would come and collect it. She asked if I had anyone here to help him, and I said no, I live alone, but I would willingly try and assist.

The man turned up at the house, a pleasant guy. Showed him the fridge and he was chatting away. He told me about his job and that he was thinking of calling himself the Naked Handyman. I laughed. He told me a few other tales and a bit about himself. He was a nice chap, very sociable.

But then it turned weird. He said he thought I was beautiful. Well, at 51 it's nice to have a compliment, so I thanked him. But he kept going on and on. He said he couldn't take his eyes off my boobs. He told me all his girlfriends in the past had been flat chested, and he would love to sleep with someone who had large boobs.

He kept asking (probably 8 times) if I would take my top off. He said he would get fully naked and I 'didn't have to do anything, just stand there'. I said no, no thank you. By this time I was getting a little scared. I was alone with this guy in my garage. He was blatantly staring at me, telling me I was beautiful and sexy. He asked if I had a partner, and I said yes, yes I did. He asked if I would be willing to sleep with him as a stranger which turned him on. He kept telling me how horny he was.

I just wanted to run away. But I was scared to tell him to fuck off .... and I was alone and so I kept forcing a smile, kept saying no, kept backing off.

He discovered some damage to the cable at the back of the fridge. I said if he didn't want it that's fine. He offered £70 instead, I said OK. I just wanted this man gone.

It was very very muggy on Saturday here, and he was getting the fridge into the trailer and took his top off. I just kept my distance while he was there, but I couldn't leave him as I have a lot of nice things in my garage. He gave me £80 and asked if I had £10 in my purse. I said I did .... so I went into the house to get it. When I got back he was in my garden.

He asked me if I was OK. I said yes, I am OK to sell the fridge for £70. He said no, was I ok with the way he had spoken to me. He asked me to promise not to tell anyone. Well - I would have signed a contract in blood just get rid of this guy, so I said I wouldn't say anything. He then put his arms around me, still shirtless and squeezed me in close and said 'oooooohhhh those boobs, I'll be dreaming of those all weekend, probably all year'. I nervously laughed, said I had to go, closed the garage door and walked into my back garden and padlocked the gate shut.

I walked into the house and started shaking. I felt sick and I kept thinking if I had done anything to encourage his behaviour. I messaged my partner about it who went absolutely apeshit. I even sent him a picture of the shit clothes I was wearing, as if I had to prove I hadn't tempted him in my old clothes and croc shoes.

That afternoon I swear I heard the back gate latch go. The dog even got up and barked. I'm sure I imagined it, but it put me totally on edge. This man knows I live alone and he knows where I live.

My partner tried to get me to call the police, but I said ... and tell them what? That some guy tried it on with me? But it was the hug that tipped him over the edge. The fact that he had laid his hands on me. I said I wouldn't go to the police. The man told me he had a young family and I wouldn't want to be responsible to tear that apart, plus - just to reiterate ... he knows where I live!!!

But I can't stop thinking about it.

What are your thoughts? And I am sorry for the massive post.

OP posts:
ginasevern · 21/07/2025 17:20

@GreenCandleWax "What I am doing is saying lets find our anger if somebody oversteps like this man did. He relied on his victim having been socialised to be nice and compliant, but we don't have to play his game his way."

We all agree with this in principle. But the reality for most women is very different. Almost any man could kill with relative ease almost any woman. That's a fact. The OP was cornered with a man who clearly wasn't "just" a sleezeball trying his luck. He was, I would say, dangerous. So, she could've tried to find a monkey wrench in the garage and threaten to bash his brains out or she could've been all sassy and given him a piece of her mind (just like they do in the movies), except this wasn't a movie. Alternatively she could've tried running out into the street in the hope of finding help. But if she wasn't successful and he caught up with her, he would have then known that she'd sussed him. As a woman, it's about using what tools you have available at the time. In this case I think "playing along" was the OP's best option.

JohnTheRevelator · 21/07/2025 17:24

Lurkingandlearning · 21/07/2025 15:04

Unless you can say hand in heart that you have been in the same position and handled it the way you described then I think you are being very shortsighted. The thing with fight, flight etc. is no one really knows how they will react until they are actually in the moment. If you don’t believe that and are convinced you will confront anything threatening masterfully you might, one day, have to deal with shame as well as fear. I hope you won’t but understanding that other people might not be as brave as you think you are, might benefit you

Totally agree. It's easy to tell someone what they should do in a situation like this,but unless you've actually been in a similar situation yourself,you don't how how you are going to react, despite all the advice you may have been given. Women have been so conditioned to be 'nice' all the time, even to men who are threatening them or even assaulting them. It's very difficult to shake off this conditioning.

DonewhatIcando · 21/07/2025 17:32

@Belladog1
Your post sent a shiver through me, I think I actually felt your fear.
I've just read your post to DP, he's as horrified as the rest of us and insists I come on and tell you to buy and install our ring cameras.
Amazon, set of two for front and back, motion activated light, you can speak through them, turn the lights on and off from your phone, has an alarm that you can activate from your phone and they pick up and record voices and video, we paid approx £350.
They've made me feel really safe as DP works away on nights.

Just to cheer you up. . . .
I always say " no-one can kidnap me now with these cameras.
DP always says " if someone kidnapped you, they'd soon bring you back"

Seriously though, I really hope you're ok ❤️

MrsPinkCock · 21/07/2025 17:41

He sexually assaulted you. His behaviour was fucking outrageous.

MrsMoastyToasty · 21/07/2025 17:54

Take a moment to breathe.
Then write a list of everything you remember about his appearance and his vehicle. They are going to be the sort of questions that the police will ask.
Get a Ring doorbell.

B0D · 21/07/2025 18:16

So sorry this happened it sounds really awful and I’m angry for you

Dont blame yourself. He was at best an opportunist and at worst a calculated predator.You must report him to the police

This is why I always reply saying “we” or “my husband” Will bring or help or whatever. To put these wankers off

Belladog1 · 21/07/2025 18:55

Thank you everyone. I'm really touched with your comments. It's restored my faith in humanity 🥰

OP posts:
Anyonecanachieve · 21/07/2025 19:01

summertimeinLondon · 21/07/2025 13:41

I think you absolutely go to the police. This was seriously abnormal behaviour on his part, and you don’t know whether he has a young family or not: he could have just made that up. He sounds like a potential danger to other women and you also need to protect yourself. Please do go and speak to the police. They can determine the best thing to do going forward and take it out of your hands. 💐

This - he is a predator and you are not abnormal. Your partner is right he is a weirdo. Report to the police as you have and keep a note of everything.

I once had a man sit next to me on a bench and ask if I was having a nice day I replied yes - you? And he said yes be even better when you get on your knees and suck me off - I was like wtf? 🤬 he said ‘aww it’s always the quiet ones that protest at first but love it when you fuck them hard from behind’ I took his picture and phoned the police they did take it seriously he ran off but ran to his car and I gave them a licence plate.

PrettyYellow30 · 21/07/2025 19:09

His clearly done this before, most definitely isn't his first time! I would of told his woman and reported it!

AcquadiP · 21/07/2025 19:18

He's a sexual predator and you should report him to the police. You did very well to extricate yourself from that bloody skin crawling situation. I'm glad you have your two dogs. If they start growling, let them. Only a fool would risk an altercation with two dogs.
I'm single and live alone (with my dog) but if I'm asked if I live alone by a male stranger at my home I always say 'no, I have a partner, he's not in at the moment/he's at work.' My reply to "is your dog friendly?" is always "most of the time yes, though she's also an excellent guard dog." You just can't be too careful, OP.

Jeska7 · 21/07/2025 19:26

Report him. How absolutely awful for you. Can you get some cameras up?

gradygals · 21/07/2025 19:37

Report this man. He is a danger to all the women he comes in contact with. Also he could also have a police record for this type of offence. His behaviour might be escalating or he could have a non-molestation order against him. Please just do it, protect yourself and all other women he comes into contact with in the future. It will also clear your head knowing you did the right thing.

EnjoythemoneyJane · 21/07/2025 19:46

@Belladog1, well done for reporting. I hope the police pay a visit and thoroughly shit him up. Like everyone else, I feel so angry on your behalf that this ocean-going arsehole put you through that terrible fear.

I’m sure you’ve taken all the advice here on board, but I just wanted to reiterate how important it is never to disclose to a stranger that you live alone, especially on FB, Vinted or eBay. Always have a pretend live-in man, whether partner or housemate, lurking in the background. Getting a large pair of used men’s work boots from a charity shop and leaving them on the porch or by the back door apparently deters chancers who are considering pulling any kind of scam or assault.

We shouldn’t have to do any of this bullshit, but if it makes you feel safer, why not.

And they wonder why most of us would take our chances with the bear …

EnjoythemoneyJane · 21/07/2025 19:57

gradygals · 21/07/2025 19:37

Report this man. He is a danger to all the women he comes in contact with. Also he could also have a police record for this type of offence. His behaviour might be escalating or he could have a non-molestation order against him. Please just do it, protect yourself and all other women he comes into contact with in the future. It will also clear your head knowing you did the right thing.

She has reported it, but I don’t think it’s up to anyone else - especially a bunch of strangers online - to determine what the ‘right thing’ is for a woman to do in this situation.

He obviously lives locally to her, knows her address, her phone number and the fact she lives alone.

Whether or not to report, if it’s being done purely on behalf of potential future victims and may in itself make the OP feel less secure, is a very personal choice. I’m a staunch feminist and advocate for women, but I strongly believe that a person should be able to choose her own course of action after an assault, and not be shamed into prioritising ‘sisterhood’ over her own wellbeing.

SilenceLover · 21/07/2025 20:06

ginasevern · 21/07/2025 17:20

@GreenCandleWax "What I am doing is saying lets find our anger if somebody oversteps like this man did. He relied on his victim having been socialised to be nice and compliant, but we don't have to play his game his way."

We all agree with this in principle. But the reality for most women is very different. Almost any man could kill with relative ease almost any woman. That's a fact. The OP was cornered with a man who clearly wasn't "just" a sleezeball trying his luck. He was, I would say, dangerous. So, she could've tried to find a monkey wrench in the garage and threaten to bash his brains out or she could've been all sassy and given him a piece of her mind (just like they do in the movies), except this wasn't a movie. Alternatively she could've tried running out into the street in the hope of finding help. But if she wasn't successful and he caught up with her, he would have then known that she'd sussed him. As a woman, it's about using what tools you have available at the time. In this case I think "playing along" was the OP's best option.

Absolutely agree with this, the OP got herself safely out of a potentially nasty situation by not antagonising things. And yes, women do this all the time to keep themselves safe, but playing the game can mean the difference between getting out and not getting out. We shouldn’t encourage women so put themselves in an ever more perilous situation in the name of calling things out.

Tinkerbell7777 · 21/07/2025 20:18

It sounds like the ‘partner’ who messaged asking if there would be anyone home to help him move the fridge, was actually him catfishing you, to try and find a woman who is home alone to try it on with. This absolutely needs reporting as he could be doing it to multiple women. I’m so sorry you went through this. I’ve had a few horrible experiences with pervy men in my life and I know how you must be feeling. It’s horrible.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 21/07/2025 20:23

After watching a recent episode of 24 hrs in police custody, the night club predator, the first young lady to report him was very unsure of her accusation, thanks to her making the call, they uncovered multiple sexual assaults, video footage of many young unconscious women.

You're very brave for reporting this OP. Thank you. Stay safe. Let your neighbours know what happened.

This coward most likely won't return. Take care. 💐 try not to worry. 🥰

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