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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Verbally assaulted?

92 replies

Belladog1 · 21/07/2025 13:35

Hi guys,

I hope you don't mind the long message, but I feel I want to write down what I am feeling and get your opinions on it.

On Saturday I went online to see a local person (10 mins) was in need of a fridge\freezer. Wondering if anyone had one to sell. I did, so I said I was looking for £100 and sent photos. She immediately said she wanted it. Great. I did say she would need to bring someone burly with her as it was heavy and in the shed. She then wrote that she couldn't leave the house as she had to stay in with her children, but her partner and trailer would come and collect it. She asked if I had anyone here to help him, and I said no, I live alone, but I would willingly try and assist.

The man turned up at the house, a pleasant guy. Showed him the fridge and he was chatting away. He told me about his job and that he was thinking of calling himself the Naked Handyman. I laughed. He told me a few other tales and a bit about himself. He was a nice chap, very sociable.

But then it turned weird. He said he thought I was beautiful. Well, at 51 it's nice to have a compliment, so I thanked him. But he kept going on and on. He said he couldn't take his eyes off my boobs. He told me all his girlfriends in the past had been flat chested, and he would love to sleep with someone who had large boobs.

He kept asking (probably 8 times) if I would take my top off. He said he would get fully naked and I 'didn't have to do anything, just stand there'. I said no, no thank you. By this time I was getting a little scared. I was alone with this guy in my garage. He was blatantly staring at me, telling me I was beautiful and sexy. He asked if I had a partner, and I said yes, yes I did. He asked if I would be willing to sleep with him as a stranger which turned him on. He kept telling me how horny he was.

I just wanted to run away. But I was scared to tell him to fuck off .... and I was alone and so I kept forcing a smile, kept saying no, kept backing off.

He discovered some damage to the cable at the back of the fridge. I said if he didn't want it that's fine. He offered £70 instead, I said OK. I just wanted this man gone.

It was very very muggy on Saturday here, and he was getting the fridge into the trailer and took his top off. I just kept my distance while he was there, but I couldn't leave him as I have a lot of nice things in my garage. He gave me £80 and asked if I had £10 in my purse. I said I did .... so I went into the house to get it. When I got back he was in my garden.

He asked me if I was OK. I said yes, I am OK to sell the fridge for £70. He said no, was I ok with the way he had spoken to me. He asked me to promise not to tell anyone. Well - I would have signed a contract in blood just get rid of this guy, so I said I wouldn't say anything. He then put his arms around me, still shirtless and squeezed me in close and said 'oooooohhhh those boobs, I'll be dreaming of those all weekend, probably all year'. I nervously laughed, said I had to go, closed the garage door and walked into my back garden and padlocked the gate shut.

I walked into the house and started shaking. I felt sick and I kept thinking if I had done anything to encourage his behaviour. I messaged my partner about it who went absolutely apeshit. I even sent him a picture of the shit clothes I was wearing, as if I had to prove I hadn't tempted him in my old clothes and croc shoes.

That afternoon I swear I heard the back gate latch go. The dog even got up and barked. I'm sure I imagined it, but it put me totally on edge. This man knows I live alone and he knows where I live.

My partner tried to get me to call the police, but I said ... and tell them what? That some guy tried it on with me? But it was the hug that tipped him over the edge. The fact that he had laid his hands on me. I said I wouldn't go to the police. The man told me he had a young family and I wouldn't want to be responsible to tear that apart, plus - just to reiterate ... he knows where I live!!!

But I can't stop thinking about it.

What are your thoughts? And I am sorry for the massive post.

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 21/07/2025 14:11

so if he did it to anyone else, there would be a note of it.

This. Report it to the police.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 21/07/2025 14:11

You can go to 101 and report online by the way. Get it all written down and say you feel unsafe.

JudgeBread · 21/07/2025 14:14

Oh you poor thing. Agree with everyone else that you do need to report it to the police, for all you know the "woman" you were talking to before was just him scoping you out, it's probably not the first time he's done something like this.

Just want to say though because I know how easy it is to blame yourself, you did nothing wrong. Absolutely nothing. He's a vile pig. What you were wearing, how you acted, what you said, absolutely none of that makes it your fault he treated you like a piece of meat and then assaulted you. It's all on him 100%

I'm so sorry it happened to you 💐

WhingeInTheWillows · 21/07/2025 14:15

That sounds so scary and you did really well to get rid of him. Report if you can.

RiverGod · 21/07/2025 14:16

I’m just glad you have barky doggos.

Please report.

Nanny0gg · 21/07/2025 14:18

You weren't just verbally assaulted, you were physically/sexually assaulted as well

Please report him

Nooster18 · 21/07/2025 14:20

I’m so sorry you had to go through that OP, sounds terrifying, I agree you should file a report for sexual harassment, who knows how far he’ll go with the next unwitting woman he corners. Doesn’t bare thinking about

anikarice · 21/07/2025 14:20

i know you weee alone and frightened but if it was me i’d of told him to get out straight away and not sold the fridge. always have your phone with you. always. i’d definitely call the none emergency line and report it

Timeforsnacks · 21/07/2025 14:21

"She asked if I had anyone here to help him, and I said no, I live alone"
People do need to stop giving this kind of information out! The person you message could be someone messaging loads of sellers until they get this answer. Please report this man and his mobile numbers and stay safe.
Please don't use him having kids as a reason not to report. If anything it is more reason to report as he lives with vulnerable people!!!

JustPinkFinch · 21/07/2025 14:24

anikarice · 21/07/2025 14:20

i know you weee alone and frightened but if it was me i’d of told him to get out straight away and not sold the fridge. always have your phone with you. always. i’d definitely call the none emergency line and report it

Not helpful and you really have no idea what you'd do. The OP's reaction could have saved her life. Your imaginary reaction could have gotten you strangled.

Report him OP. You never know what he's got on his record. Tell the police you're scared about reprisals. Please report him.

Hedgedone · 21/07/2025 14:25

Terrifying to read.
You poor woman.
I would absolutely report him.
That isn't his first time behaving like that.

I would call that an attempt at coercive sexual assault.
Just awful.

LimeQuoter · 21/07/2025 14:26

I would at the very least ask the police to do a drive by your house for awhile. Just to be on the safe side. You absolutely could take it further also and report it if you wanted to. I would tell the police either way

Newnamesameme · 21/07/2025 14:26

anikarice · 21/07/2025 14:20

i know you weee alone and frightened but if it was me i’d of told him to get out straight away and not sold the fridge. always have your phone with you. always. i’d definitely call the none emergency line and report it

This isn't helpful and you don't know how you would react.
Op was keeping herself safe. Report him op he is a predator. His online profile is most likely fake too. I hope you're OK is there afriend in real life you could ask to keep you company. Not to scare you but make sure all doors and windows are locked. How fucking dare he make you feel scared in your own home.

LimeQuoter · 21/07/2025 14:27

I don't know if he knew that you were living alone but I hope not

Delphiniumandlupins · 21/07/2025 14:29

Well done on getting yourself safely through that horrible encounter. He absolutely assaulted you and you did nothing wrong. Your partner is right and I'm glad he is supporting you.

With hindsight it's easy to say you could have behaved differently or said something at different points but, by the time you knew he was inappropriate, you were already vulnerable. Because a nice, normal man wouldn't have said any of those things.

EnjoythemoneyJane · 21/07/2025 14:29

This is fucking terrifying, OP. You’ve been physically and verbally assaulted by a predatory (and potentially dangerous) man in your own home.

Do not for one solitary second believe that anything you did, said or wore could have encouraged or excused this behaviour.

You were caught between placating and freezing and did what so many of us have done in similar circumstances - smile and play along - in order not to escalate the situation and to retain some semblance of control when a man is so frighteningly and brazenly transgressing every boundary. Your fear kicks in, your nerve endings are twanging and you almost can’t believe it’s happening - like an out of body experience - so you just kind of let the horrific behaviour pass unremarked in the hope he’ll leave quicker.

I would definitely report to the police, but only if you feel safe to do so. It’s not on you to do that if it’s only going to make you worry more about repercussions, but at the same time it may make you feel more secure to know the police are aware of him and the situation. I’m so sorry this happened to you - it’s really horrible and totally unacceptable.

tipsyraven · 21/07/2025 14:30

You can guarantee this man has done this with other women. Report him, if not for yourself for others. Sexual predators, which is what this man is, often start out with this sort of behaviour (not to diminish your experience at all) and can go on to more serious offending.

Cattery · 21/07/2025 14:32

😱🤢

purplecorkheart · 21/07/2025 14:32

Sadly, this is not the first time I heard this happen on facebook. Most likely you were talking to him all the time. The whole partner thing was to find out if you would be alone or not. He may not even have a partner or kids.

Please report to the Police. People like that grown more and more confident as time goes on. Hopefully the Police will talk to him and scare him away.

Delphiniumandlupins · 21/07/2025 14:36

anikarice · 21/07/2025 14:20

i know you weee alone and frightened but if it was me i’d of told him to get out straight away and not sold the fridge. always have your phone with you. always. i’d definitely call the none emergency line and report it

Only you probably wouldn't. Because his first few comments were friendly. Funny even. By the time he's being obviously inappropriate OP is aware she is in an enclosed space with a larger, younger, stronger person, who is not behaving in line with societal norms.

GreenCandleWax · 21/07/2025 14:43

While understanding that this was unexpected and confusing in its audacity from him, I cannot understand why you did not draw a firm boundary early on when he first mentioned your boobs. In that situation I would have told him to get the heck off my property and the sale was off. As for not wanting to tell the police to protect him, what is the matter with us women? Why do we still feel we have to be nice and considerate and polite when a man sexually assaults us? The same applies to you having to justify your DP that you were not wearing anything that could have provoked this disgusting chancer. You have internalised the patriarchy's misogyny that blames the woman no matter what.
Of course you go to the police about this - it was grooming and sexual assault.

Newnamesameme · 21/07/2025 14:46

GreenCandleWax · 21/07/2025 14:43

While understanding that this was unexpected and confusing in its audacity from him, I cannot understand why you did not draw a firm boundary early on when he first mentioned your boobs. In that situation I would have told him to get the heck off my property and the sale was off. As for not wanting to tell the police to protect him, what is the matter with us women? Why do we still feel we have to be nice and considerate and polite when a man sexually assaults us? The same applies to you having to justify your DP that you were not wearing anything that could have provoked this disgusting chancer. You have internalised the patriarchy's misogyny that blames the woman no matter what.
Of course you go to the police about this - it was grooming and sexual assault.

Victim blaming has entered the building.

neverbeenskiing · 21/07/2025 14:48

GreenCandleWax · 21/07/2025 14:43

While understanding that this was unexpected and confusing in its audacity from him, I cannot understand why you did not draw a firm boundary early on when he first mentioned your boobs. In that situation I would have told him to get the heck off my property and the sale was off. As for not wanting to tell the police to protect him, what is the matter with us women? Why do we still feel we have to be nice and considerate and polite when a man sexually assaults us? The same applies to you having to justify your DP that you were not wearing anything that could have provoked this disgusting chancer. You have internalised the patriarchy's misogyny that blames the woman no matter what.
Of course you go to the police about this - it was grooming and sexual assault.

You really can't understand that people are different and have have different reactions to you in certain situations?

Everyone likes to think they know exactly how they would react and what they would do in these situations. But you don't, and your victim blaming OP and trying to shame her for having a perfectly natural, human reaponse to being in a frightening situation is not helpful. In some situations, "drawing a firm boundary" when you are in a confined space with a man who is bigger and stronger than you can put you at further risk of harm.

anikarice · 21/07/2025 14:49

JustPinkFinch · 21/07/2025 14:24

Not helpful and you really have no idea what you'd do. The OP's reaction could have saved her life. Your imaginary reaction could have gotten you strangled.

Report him OP. You never know what he's got on his record. Tell the police you're scared about reprisals. Please report him.

i’m speaking from experience as a survivor of SA on more than one occasion. And was more for future reference

GreenCandleWax · 21/07/2025 14:49

Newnamesameme · 21/07/2025 14:46

Victim blaming has entered the building.

I am not victim blaming. Its all too easyn to trot that trope out under all circumstances. What I am doing is saying lets find our anger if somebody oversteps like this man did. He relied on his victim having been socialised to be nice and compliant, but we don't have to play his game his way.