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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Verbally assaulted?

92 replies

Belladog1 · 21/07/2025 13:35

Hi guys,

I hope you don't mind the long message, but I feel I want to write down what I am feeling and get your opinions on it.

On Saturday I went online to see a local person (10 mins) was in need of a fridge\freezer. Wondering if anyone had one to sell. I did, so I said I was looking for £100 and sent photos. She immediately said she wanted it. Great. I did say she would need to bring someone burly with her as it was heavy and in the shed. She then wrote that she couldn't leave the house as she had to stay in with her children, but her partner and trailer would come and collect it. She asked if I had anyone here to help him, and I said no, I live alone, but I would willingly try and assist.

The man turned up at the house, a pleasant guy. Showed him the fridge and he was chatting away. He told me about his job and that he was thinking of calling himself the Naked Handyman. I laughed. He told me a few other tales and a bit about himself. He was a nice chap, very sociable.

But then it turned weird. He said he thought I was beautiful. Well, at 51 it's nice to have a compliment, so I thanked him. But he kept going on and on. He said he couldn't take his eyes off my boobs. He told me all his girlfriends in the past had been flat chested, and he would love to sleep with someone who had large boobs.

He kept asking (probably 8 times) if I would take my top off. He said he would get fully naked and I 'didn't have to do anything, just stand there'. I said no, no thank you. By this time I was getting a little scared. I was alone with this guy in my garage. He was blatantly staring at me, telling me I was beautiful and sexy. He asked if I had a partner, and I said yes, yes I did. He asked if I would be willing to sleep with him as a stranger which turned him on. He kept telling me how horny he was.

I just wanted to run away. But I was scared to tell him to fuck off .... and I was alone and so I kept forcing a smile, kept saying no, kept backing off.

He discovered some damage to the cable at the back of the fridge. I said if he didn't want it that's fine. He offered £70 instead, I said OK. I just wanted this man gone.

It was very very muggy on Saturday here, and he was getting the fridge into the trailer and took his top off. I just kept my distance while he was there, but I couldn't leave him as I have a lot of nice things in my garage. He gave me £80 and asked if I had £10 in my purse. I said I did .... so I went into the house to get it. When I got back he was in my garden.

He asked me if I was OK. I said yes, I am OK to sell the fridge for £70. He said no, was I ok with the way he had spoken to me. He asked me to promise not to tell anyone. Well - I would have signed a contract in blood just get rid of this guy, so I said I wouldn't say anything. He then put his arms around me, still shirtless and squeezed me in close and said 'oooooohhhh those boobs, I'll be dreaming of those all weekend, probably all year'. I nervously laughed, said I had to go, closed the garage door and walked into my back garden and padlocked the gate shut.

I walked into the house and started shaking. I felt sick and I kept thinking if I had done anything to encourage his behaviour. I messaged my partner about it who went absolutely apeshit. I even sent him a picture of the shit clothes I was wearing, as if I had to prove I hadn't tempted him in my old clothes and croc shoes.

That afternoon I swear I heard the back gate latch go. The dog even got up and barked. I'm sure I imagined it, but it put me totally on edge. This man knows I live alone and he knows where I live.

My partner tried to get me to call the police, but I said ... and tell them what? That some guy tried it on with me? But it was the hug that tipped him over the edge. The fact that he had laid his hands on me. I said I wouldn't go to the police. The man told me he had a young family and I wouldn't want to be responsible to tear that apart, plus - just to reiterate ... he knows where I live!!!

But I can't stop thinking about it.

What are your thoughts? And I am sorry for the massive post.

OP posts:
Lurkingandlearning · 21/07/2025 14:50

Please report him. And never tell anyone you live alone. You know that now and it’s a mistake I’ve made when I lived alone. Luckily for me not with such frightening consequences. It’s appalling how vigilant we have to be. Recently an ex police officer pointed out to me that anyone who regularly delivers to my house will think I live alone because it’s only me who ever goes to the door.

You must feel terribly shaken. I hope you can relax later

Glitchymn1 · 21/07/2025 14:51

I think I voted the wrong way, voted YABU (not to report to police).
I would definitely log it, can’t believe he touched you 🤢 scary. I’d screenshot all the messages and his profile too.

JustPinkFinch · 21/07/2025 14:54

anikarice · 21/07/2025 14:49

i’m speaking from experience as a survivor of SA on more than one occasion. And was more for future reference

I dare say there are many of us who have survived SA. Despite it, you don't know how you would have reacted in this particular situation and telling the OP what she should have done is in no way helpful.

jimmyeatworld · 21/07/2025 14:55

Surely it’s sexual harassment and the fact the fact he laid his filthy hands on you !

Ohnobackagain · 21/07/2025 14:57

@Belladog1 he might even have been pretending to be his ‘partner’ the whole time. Absolutely vile behaviour, definitely talk to the police. I hope you are feeling a bit better, we are all here for you xx.

anytipswelcome · 21/07/2025 15:00

GreenCandleWax · 21/07/2025 14:49

I am not victim blaming. Its all too easyn to trot that trope out under all circumstances. What I am doing is saying lets find our anger if somebody oversteps like this man did. He relied on his victim having been socialised to be nice and compliant, but we don't have to play his game his way.

The reason for the sort of response like OP’s is not just that we are taught to be polite though, it’s a survival technique that is a valid and very common innate response to threats especially sexual threats - read up on fight, flight, freeze and fawn.

Many women respond with the last of those instinctively when under threat of sexual assault, it’s a survival instinct designed to appease the perpetrator enough for us to get out of the situation as safely as possible.

All stress responses are valid and you have no idea how you would react in a closed garage with a man verbally sexually harassing you.

Even if your response to sexual threat previously has been fight / flight, our brains and bodies risk assess each situation individually and respond accordingly.

You probably didn’t mean to sound critical of OP (hopefully not anyway) but if that’s how multiple people are reading your post then maybe it’s worth considering whether it was clumsily worded rather than accusing people of ‘trotting out’ things you don’t agree with.

ICantChoose · 21/07/2025 15:01

Id definitely report that to the police. It's completely wrong what he did.

Lurkingandlearning · 21/07/2025 15:04

GreenCandleWax · 21/07/2025 14:43

While understanding that this was unexpected and confusing in its audacity from him, I cannot understand why you did not draw a firm boundary early on when he first mentioned your boobs. In that situation I would have told him to get the heck off my property and the sale was off. As for not wanting to tell the police to protect him, what is the matter with us women? Why do we still feel we have to be nice and considerate and polite when a man sexually assaults us? The same applies to you having to justify your DP that you were not wearing anything that could have provoked this disgusting chancer. You have internalised the patriarchy's misogyny that blames the woman no matter what.
Of course you go to the police about this - it was grooming and sexual assault.

Unless you can say hand in heart that you have been in the same position and handled it the way you described then I think you are being very shortsighted. The thing with fight, flight etc. is no one really knows how they will react until they are actually in the moment. If you don’t believe that and are convinced you will confront anything threatening masterfully you might, one day, have to deal with shame as well as fear. I hope you won’t but understanding that other people might not be as brave as you think you are, might benefit you

neilyoungismyhero · 21/07/2025 15:05

I think I would get a ring doorbell front and back if you are feeling nervous and for what my opinion is worth you were there and used your judgement regarding his behaviour. You came out unscathed although scared. It's not for other posters to say you should have behaved differently, they weren't there.

SteakBakesAndHotTakes · 21/07/2025 15:09

Definitely report it...he knows where you live and has your number and is now asking to come back...he sounds dangerous
Good luck

Motherofalittledragon · 21/07/2025 15:12

Good lord he is one scary, dangerous man, definitely go to the police.

Belladog1 · 21/07/2025 15:18

Thank you everyone 💓

I have just reported the incident via online chat to the police. They have given me a case reference and said I might get a call from an officer to ask more questions.

I appreciate the strength you all gave me and the fact that each and every one of you said i should report it.

Thank you

OP posts:
JustPinkFinch · 21/07/2025 15:23

anytipswelcome · 21/07/2025 15:00

The reason for the sort of response like OP’s is not just that we are taught to be polite though, it’s a survival technique that is a valid and very common innate response to threats especially sexual threats - read up on fight, flight, freeze and fawn.

Many women respond with the last of those instinctively when under threat of sexual assault, it’s a survival instinct designed to appease the perpetrator enough for us to get out of the situation as safely as possible.

All stress responses are valid and you have no idea how you would react in a closed garage with a man verbally sexually harassing you.

Even if your response to sexual threat previously has been fight / flight, our brains and bodies risk assess each situation individually and respond accordingly.

You probably didn’t mean to sound critical of OP (hopefully not anyway) but if that’s how multiple people are reading your post then maybe it’s worth considering whether it was clumsily worded rather than accusing people of ‘trotting out’ things you don’t agree with.

Agree 100%.

When I was 15 I was cornered by a gang of older teens boys after dark. I was smiling, chatting, telling them I needed to get home, my mum would be looking for me soon. Everytime I tried to move away they grabbed me back, trying to drag me off the street and into a dark carpark. They were laughing and joking but they meant me harm. I was instinctively fawning, hoping they would take pity and let me go. Anything else and I knew it would escalate. Total self preservation and not a hint of politeness about it.

It was only when a car stopped to ask if I was OK that my response switched to flight. First to the car (also a man), and then away from him too and home as fast as I could. The man in the car followed me all the way home and then came to speak to my parents. 100% saved me from something terrible (thank you man for stopping to check).

My parents reported to the police. No charges were brought (90s). One of the teens who grabbed me went to prison for murder a couple of years later.

Ooothatsagoodone · 21/07/2025 15:35

Belladog1 · 21/07/2025 13:47

Gosh - I have tears in my eyes reading this. I needed to get it out.

Just to add, he messaged me that evening to say he had fixed the fridge and gave me his mobile number in case I 'need anything'. He also said he had forgotten to take any boxes with him (I had loads in the garage as I have just moved in and haven't been to the tip) and he would gladly pop over to collect some.

Hmmmmmm ..... no. Fuck right off. I ignored the message.

You poor thing. What a horrible thing to happen, and it happened to me 30 years ago. I have NEVER forgotten it and it has made my heart beat very fast reading your account. Do you want to report it? (((hugs)))

StrongTea · 21/07/2025 15:39

If you haven’t got cameras up be a good idea to get them. Glad you reported this assault, wouldn’t surprise me if there has been similar reported.

Ooothatsagoodone · 21/07/2025 15:40

anikarice · 21/07/2025 14:20

i know you weee alone and frightened but if it was me i’d of told him to get out straight away and not sold the fridge. always have your phone with you. always. i’d definitely call the none emergency line and report it

NOT helpful. Yours is an imaginary response, made while sitting behind your keyboard. I believe you would have frozen, probably in fear.

GreenCandleWax · 21/07/2025 15:43

Lurkingandlearning · 21/07/2025 15:04

Unless you can say hand in heart that you have been in the same position and handled it the way you described then I think you are being very shortsighted. The thing with fight, flight etc. is no one really knows how they will react until they are actually in the moment. If you don’t believe that and are convinced you will confront anything threatening masterfully you might, one day, have to deal with shame as well as fear. I hope you won’t but understanding that other people might not be as brave as you think you are, might benefit you

This is a very valid point. I was once under threat from an aggressive man in an isolated place at night, and my reaction was one of anger and telling him to f.. right off. But it was out of doors, in a lonely street, not as OP was inside. Over the years since I have questioned whether my response (anger) was the only option. He could easily have got more angry himself. I think i am so easily outraged at this kind of oversteping behaviour that another time I might not make the best judgement call if it called for some other response. In the case of what happened to me, he did just drop away from me and I was OK. Had I been polite then it would have encouraged him, I am sure of that, but as you say each situation needs its own response and we don't know until we are in it how best to get out of it. Am glad younhave reported it OP.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 21/07/2025 15:49

Well done OP, you've done the right thing and been courageous.

Conniebygaslight · 21/07/2025 16:06

My goodness OP, you’ve must have been bloody terrified! I’m so sorry. He sounds dangerous, I’m glad you’ve reported him. If you have good neighbours I would be telling them too and make sure you have their numbers on speed dial. Take care

Hedgedone · 21/07/2025 16:09

Well done OP.
That is really so shocking.

Thelnebriati · 21/07/2025 16:13

Whatever you do, do not reply to his message. He'll be relying on that as 'evidence' that you weren't really bothered by his behaviour.
Good luck with your report.

AdoraBell · 21/07/2025 16:22

Report him. It wasn’t just trying it on it was pestering and not accepting your boundaries, especially when touched you.

GoldDuster · 21/07/2025 16:58

Ohnobackagain · 21/07/2025 14:57

@Belladog1 he might even have been pretending to be his ‘partner’ the whole time. Absolutely vile behaviour, definitely talk to the police. I hope you are feeling a bit better, we are all here for you xx.

Agreed. Likely it was him you were dealing with from the start.

JohnTheRevelator · 21/07/2025 17:17

OMFG definitely report him to the police! He was totally out of order. So sorry that you went through this OP,it sounds absolutely awful.

JohnTheRevelator · 21/07/2025 17:19

Sorry, hadn't read the full thread,just seen that you have reported him . So glad to hear that. Wankers like this should not be allowed to get away with this sort of behaviour. I hope you have a satisfactory outcome to this.

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