Lack of support after failed IVF

[Mazybabe]

I worked for a large corporation for just over 6 years. I was a model employee with no issues.
Our company had a restructure meaning that we had a new team with a different line manager. A couple in the team were toxic. They spoke poorly of each other and were gossiping a lot. They didn’t like the incoming phone line and decided it needed a rota to split the cover. It was more to accommodate fag breaks as they stood outside together getting someone to cover.
My personal circumstances were that I’ve had 6 rounds of IVF with varying degrees of success, pregnant them miscarried, pregnant then ectopic pregnancy, anemia needing a full blood transfusion. So this meant I had a lot of time off. Work policies were fine with it but some in my team were unsupportive.
After the last episode of IVF and time off I returned to work, it was okay but felt pressured from one individual with digs about staff levels, covering my work and just really felt she was being a bitch. It was passive aggressive messages on Teams etc. This person knew that I’d returned after another miscarriage so did my manager.
I raised it through the correct channels, I told the person I was going to raise concerns about her, when I discussed it with my manager he told be he was staying impartial, go to mediation, he didn’t have an opinion but X wanted to progress.
Personally it felt like I’d been let down, I’m particularly vulnerable at the moment and could have done with some support.
Anyway the next week I gave notice to leave, have left but feel I’ve let myself funny not standing up for myself. It could look like I’ve run away.
I can accept the environment wasn’t great but feel with support I could have worked through it.
What are others thoughts?

It’s not clear if you went to mediation or not? Had you raised a formal grievance?

What support do you feel you weren't given, specifically? It sounds as though you've had a lot of time off?

That's how it should be. It shouldn't be your boss making the decision in what's going on - how could they be impartial when they know you both?

IVF is tough, you really don’t need this work battle on top of your own personal battle to achieve your family. My opinion is f**k them, I would have done the same and would rather have left and not wasted my energy on these people. You need to save it for your own headspace. Sending an un mumsnetty hug. Have you tried PGTA testing your embryos?

I’m sorry you’ve had such a tough time with the IVF cycles. FWIW I think you’ve done the right thing leaving this job.

I would try and put this experience behind you, as the poster above says you don’t need all this toxic workplace drama on top of your IVF challenges, that’s the most important thing to focus on. Good luck to you.

Sorry to be blunt, but the company's purpose is to make a profit not to worry about your IVF.

It sounds like they have allowed to a significant amount of time off over the last year. Other staff members have covered for you. What else were you expecting?

Whilst ivf can be brutal and you have had a bad time the business did give support by way of extended leave as required which does however hard it is for you also cause hardship to those covering you

the manager was right mediation was the ways to go so that both parties can understand the other. You have made no acknowledgment of the support provided by your colleague who had to cover your work and who probably didn’t understand fully what was happening as medical information is private

I don’t know what more support they could provide

To those saying "I'm not sure what support you wanted" I'd imagine she wanted her colleagues not to be complete dicks when she's going through a horrible experience.
We've all had times when our workload increases because someone else is off but there's no point making them feel bad about it.

I'm really sorry you had this experience. Unless the person making the comments was in a role overseeing sickness, it's actually none of your colleagues business why you were off and not for them to comment. Your boss absolutely should have shot that down and made it clear that it's not ok to be discussing others sickness in the office and that absolutely can be work place bullying.

If you had taken time off for an operation, or health condition other than one specifically linked to pregnancy and fertility, would they have so readily commented?

Also, while not fun to cover for people, if you are not able to work then it is not your responsibility to be filling the gap of work left. That is your employers responsibility.
Do you have a union to consult? Or Acas?

I just wanted a bit of common decency when it was evidenced someone was being unreasonable and difficult because they felt like it. It would have only taken the manager to acknowledge her behaviour could be perceived as unreasonable for to to stop. I didn’t want anything other than that. They could have asked how I was feeling, ask if I wanted to reduce my hours, ask if I’d be better in another team. I understand there are limitations to what a company can do but the organisation I worked for had resources available to offer support, it wasn’t offered it me and I feel let down.

I did consider changing it but because I feel so vulnerable I just left. If I was feeling stronger Acas would have been the route to take.
IVF hasn’t worked so thought getting rid of stress could help for future attempts.

It doesn’t make me feel any better re feeling let down it could help in the future for IVF.

Did you ask for any accommodations/for them to explore alternatives or did you expect them to be mind readers?

They also did do something- they offered mediation but it sounds like you turned them down?

I can’t speak for other posters but I meant what support from management not colleagues, they’ve allowed her lots of time off, she’s complained about shit colleagues and they’ve said she’ll have to go to mediation, but it’s not clear if that happened or how else they failed. If it’s a formal grievance raised then management may not be allowed to express opinions while the process is going on etc.

Are you certain you aren’t asking too much with the reducing hours or changing teams? You made it sound like work have already been really supportive with time off over prolonged periods and offered mediation

Did you actually ask for reduced hours or anything and get declined?

Did you make a formal request for reduced hours? I’m not really sure how you think reduced hours would help though. What support did you want?

I did ask for support, I was on phased return but pressured to do more hours to accommodate colleagues. My phased return hadn’t ended but worked normal as college made it clear she wanted cover. My manager didn’t really get involved, it was more of a sort yourselves out approach.

Whilst I fully empathise with your situation and your loss, I've been part of a team where 1 employee had 7 rounds of IVF.
My gosh I feel for her.

However, and I'm prepared to go up in flames, the toll on the team of a total of years not just months of sick leave is hard after all that time.

I think the difference with illnesses is that we all know after a couple of rounds of NHS funded ivf that this is now a privately funded health decision and thus the sick leave comes following a choice.

As I said, I'm prepared to be flamed but I'm trying to show how it feels to the team who've repeatedly covered your leave. That being said I'd swallow how o truly felt and wouldn't make you feel crap.

Oh and then after the sick periods, it's phased returns and using up leave so it goes on and on.

Possibly, I can understand that I’m emotionally vulnerable. People can come through a difficult time back to being a great employee without feeling the need to leave.

A different approach towards what I raised would have helped me work through a difficult time. I do acknowledge that a business needs to perform and didn’t need much. I just wanted an environment that wasn’t putting unnecessary pressure on me whilst vulnerable.

You’ve still not said what happened with the mediation and why that didn’t help though?

Also are you not worried that a new employee may not be able to accommodate your treatment in the same way as your previous employer?

Think it’s important to remember that in many workplaces having a colleague off work for a significant amount of time does impact the rest of team, so it’s understandable that resentment can creep in. Doesn’t matter what the reason for the absence is, especially when your colleagues also have their own personal issues to deal with. The employer is at fault here for not managing the absence and don’t think you should be angry with your colleague.

It’s completely normal to feel incredibly angry and isolated in general after going through something like you’ve been through.

It’s also incredible normal to feel like the world is against you. This colleague has been thoughtless and insensitive, but it doesn’t sound like your work dealt with it poorly.

For my my leave wasn’t to go through IVF but was for the recurrent miscarriages I had. After miscarrying I lost so much blood that I needed to be admitted to hospital and have full blood transfusions.

It wasn’t a choice to call in sick whilst going through treatment. I was hospitalised numerous times.

This can happen when a woman conceives naturally and the pregnancy miscarries.

The way the department was managed caused issues as they didn’t always have cover due to lack of training. That’s more of a poor planning point of the company. Even after it was raised.

Apologies, I misunderstood and as I don't know many people in the workplace who've had IVF I spoke only from my experience.

I didn’t do mediation as I left. I didn’t want the stress.