Lack of support after failed IVF

[Mazybabe]

I worked for a large corporation for just over 6 years. I was a model employee with no issues.
Our company had a restructure meaning that we had a new team with a different line manager. A couple in the team were toxic. They spoke poorly of each other and were gossiping a lot. They didn’t like the incoming phone line and decided it needed a rota to split the cover. It was more to accommodate fag breaks as they stood outside together getting someone to cover.
My personal circumstances were that I’ve had 6 rounds of IVF with varying degrees of success, pregnant them miscarried, pregnant then ectopic pregnancy, anemia needing a full blood transfusion. So this meant I had a lot of time off. Work policies were fine with it but some in my team were unsupportive.
After the last episode of IVF and time off I returned to work, it was okay but felt pressured from one individual with digs about staff levels, covering my work and just really felt she was being a bitch. It was passive aggressive messages on Teams etc. This person knew that I’d returned after another miscarriage so did my manager.
I raised it through the correct channels, I told the person I was going to raise concerns about her, when I discussed it with my manager he told be he was staying impartial, go to mediation, he didn’t have an opinion but X wanted to progress.
Personally it felt like I’d been let down, I’m particularly vulnerable at the moment and could have done with some support.
Anyway the next week I gave notice to leave, have left but feel I’ve let myself funny not standing up for myself. It could look like I’ve run away.
I can accept the environment wasn’t great but feel with support I could have worked through it.
What are others thoughts?

It sounds like you need time off of work to heal anyway, regardless of how you’ve been treated at work. It sounds like you’re in a lot of emotional pain. I highly recommend the book “the baby loss guide” to take you through the process of grieving day by day.

I’m really sorry you have been through all this but it sounds like you left before attempting the things your management suggested to make this better? Management can’t just side with someone over someone else. Good luck for the future.

So you didn’t give them chance to further support you if you left before it. I hope you manage to find something else soon or are able to take a career break to recover, sorry you are having such an awful time OP.

@Mazybabe So your colleagues needed help to cover the workload and the company didn’t provide it?

It sounds as if the company made a mess of covering your leave/phased return and as a result, this colleague was thoroughly fed up. Of course she shouldn’t have made digs to you about staffing levels and covering your work, because it wasn’t your fault, it was the company.

That’s my take on what you’re describing. The company has let both you and your colleagues down. I’m so sorry for your losses. 💐

I had ivf while working. It was a lot of time off with initial appt, meds apps, scans every other day or so. And that was only one round.
I really feel for you. Having to have 6 and especially an ectooic is horrific.

Though i also see of from the colleagues side (i had a colleague who had 2 absences of 3m over about a year) and i was exhausted as it was only 2 of us doing the work.
I think though its a failing of workplaces thinking oh its a team we dont need to get extra help in.
How much time have you had off?
Surely over a month off this year?

We had to do 3 rounds for dc2 but luckily i was home with dc1.

However realistically many pregnant women have loads of time off in pregnancy and that can be over several pregnancies.

Yes, YABU.

You had every right to feel upset and unsupported, but quitting without seeing the grievance or mediation process through undermines your position. It does look like you avoided resolving the conflict. Toxic colleagues exist everywhere, and part of working in any team means standing up for yourself within the process, not just walking out when it gets hard.

Also — no one at work is obliged to care about your IVF or personal struggles. Compassion is human, and a decent team might show empathy, but ultimately, colleagues are there to do a job, not provide emotional support.

Your employer followed policy and allowed time off — that’s the limit of their responsibility. Expecting emotional sensitivity from coworkers, especially ones you describe as toxic or unkind, sets you up for disappointment. You seem caught up in your own world, and expecting everyone to cater to your needs.

Pretty sure that your colleague didn't choose to go through 7 rounds of IVF. Interested to know how you knew she had "a couple of rounds" funded by the NHS too.

I'm really sorry your colleague wasn't supportive OP. Your management should have addressed the behaviour. I definitely would have done if this was happening in my team. I personally think it's easier to walk away from a bad work culture than try to fix it.

The problem is when others have to cover your workload. That's really difficult and stressful for them and making their days harder. And many people still turn up for work even when they're dealing with really difficult stuff that you have no idea about. Yes, you deserve compassion, but you can see why they were getting fed up.

Reading some of the comments on here, it is clear that not many people have experience of IVF treatment. It is gruelling both physically and mentally and I’m so sorry for the losses that you have experienced. As another poster said, if you had time off for another illness there would likely be no negative feeling towards you. And yes, it is a choice to have the treatment, but it is not your choice to be infertile and have the choice taken for granted by most taken away from you.

Although you will feel very hurt for feeling like you had no choice but to leave, I think you have done the right thing. It sounds like a poisonous culture that won’t change and you have to protect your heart. All the best to you from somebody unfortunate enough to understand your position x

Oof this is a tough one because I can see both sides. I had 5 rounds of IVF, 6 miscarriages and 2 ruptured ectopics so I do understand how utterly gruelling and heartbreaking it is

That being said if I was a colleague constantly covering another due to their sickness absence (she may not have known exactly why you were off) I’m going to be honest and say I’d probably feel resentful

I think this is for the best, OP. You get some time to recover and work out what you want to do next without the stress of work and resentful colleagues hanging over you. Your colleagues aren't having to deal with someone who needs lots of time off work and then expects to be treated with kid gloves on her return. Stop going o ver what happened, look to the future, learn any lessons and move on.

@YourTipsyDog I think people agree that the colleague shouldn’t have said anything to the OP.

The company is responsible for creating the poisonous work culture because they didn’t provide adequate cover during her leave, They treated her colleagues badly (which again is nothing to do with her).

Tbh sometimes your peace is priceless. So sorry for your losses

I am shocked by this thread.

Of course, if someone is off sick a lot, it's hard for everyone else. But there are a lot of situations where this happens. Where do we draw the line? I have a friend who missed a ton of work because she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She opted not to have her entire reproductive system removed, because she wanted a baby. And sadly, the cancer recurred. Would you also say this was a 'choice' she made? And she doesn't deserve any sympathy?

The company has a responsibility to create a culture where it is understood that being out of work for medical reasons is absolutely not considered culpable, or even inconvenient. If the top brass are too cheap to shell out for proper cover, that is on them - but that is where the buck stops.

They are actually required to ensure employees are not subjected to these sorts of offensive comments, right? It's not as if you lose your right to basic workplace rules around harassment just because you did IVF?

I don't understand? Why do you think it's ok to discriminate against people who have long term medical needs?

Obviously, everyone who tries for a baby has made a 'choice'. But no one chooses to miscarry.

It sounds like a toxic work environment with you being pressured to return on more hours & them being pressured to cover you which would have gotten worst had you been successful so maybe you just have to chalk it up to bad experience & not being a job where this was really viable long term

Very true. But they did start a procedure to examine this, but the OP chose to quit before it started.

As hard as it is on you, your colleagues also have their own challenges and stresses (who knows what they are going through in their lives?) and asked for more support. You've had a lot of absences and they've covered for you a lot. If this is causing a stressful load for your colleagues, I would start to ask if you should be in that role or leaving to focus on life or finding a more suitable role for your circumstances. I know it sounds harsh but it's not all about you. Other people have significant struggles in their own lives. They don't need long term extra work stress.

Humanity, perhaps?

So OP should have quit her job or stopped trying for a child to minimise the impact on her toxic colleagues whom she will now never see again? You do realise that OP has been protected by maternity discrimination law for much of the time she's spoken about?

There are some brilliant pressure groups working to change the law around this with the UK Government - give Fertility Matters at Work a follow in Instagram if you have it, they are very knowledgable about the law and there are template letters for your employers.

Remember everything from day of transfer onwards you are protected by pregnancy discrimination laws - absences can’t be counted towards trigger points, etc.

I’m sorry your colleagues are shit - I work in a school and I’ve had a combined 17 days off this past academic year for treatments and miscarriages (not all at once) - my colleagues have been beyond amazing, repeatedly told me to take longer off if I need it, even though my absence leads to the need for class cover and schedule changes etc. Try to find somewhere with a fertility policy in place for your next role.

It’s been a really difficult time in my life. I just feel like I’ve been kicked when at my lowest. I don’t expect others to know what’s what in my personal life to the extent they treat me with kit gloves but did think it was common decency to have a little compassion when someone returns to work after another miscarriage.

But perhaps they’re under strain in their own lives and feel you aren’t being compassionate to them. Perhaps they’re living through cancer scares, a gravely ill spouse, abuse and trauma, parents with dementia - maybe they’re on their last nerve and they’re struggling with the increased workload.

Yeah, that could be true. I wouldn’t go to work and try to punish someone for having to take time off. I also wouldn’t use my time at work to try and upset or hurt someone.

I’ve been under strain but I’ve never taken it out on others.