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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to group plans

66 replies

nohomealone · 19/07/2025 12:31

I am in a new group chat with sibling and her friends. This group chat started after siblings friends kept inviting me to things and insisting I come along too the events. I have known some of these girls 10+ years. I was invited to the group chat about a year ago. I obviously don’t expect to be invited to everything they plan as I have a toddler and they are my siblings friends first. Just recently I’ve been in the group chat while they discuss a holiday they went on for a partners birthday and last weekend they watched one of the husbands run a marathon then sibling had a party after to celebrate. From the group chat messages it was discussed and planned on the holiday. One of the girls kept saying things like party at this time event starts at that time obviously I haven’t formally been invited and when In contact with sibling over weekend plans I wast asked if I was going. It just feels a bit mean to talk openly about events and party’s when I’m not invited. Could they not have another chat I’m the only one out of the group not asked. It seems when I’m not there at certain events they plan the next one. I probably get invited to 1-3 events. If the event isn’t toddler appropriate I can get a baby sitter or if they don’t want me as it’s just them and there friends I wouldn’t mind if they just said.

OP posts:
Inthecafe · 19/07/2025 12:33

I think maybe they’ve added you to the group without thinking and don’t actually regard you as being part of the group.

I would keep quiet and then without any drama… leave the group or just mute it

Inthecafe · 19/07/2025 12:33

Highly likely that no one aside from the person who added you even knows you’ve been added

Mermaidsarereal · 19/07/2025 13:19

Do they realise you are in the group chat? If so, I would politely let your sibling know that you'll be leaving it and they can contact you directly if they wish to invite you to future events.

Original poster
nohomealone · 19/07/2025 13:24

They know I’m in the chat we chat about stuff all the time they also all message me one asked if I had a certain item they could borrow. They also all where there at a dinner and added me I’m also in the group profile pic. We all message daily they message me daily I message them etc.

OP posts:
Inthecafe · 19/07/2025 13:26

Is the host of the party in the group?

Op either way… I am going to guess that you don’t have a group of friends of your “own”?

yeesh · 19/07/2025 13:26

I would take her adding the party details as the invite tbh

Coconutter24 · 19/07/2025 13:39

I obviously don’t expect to be invited to everything they plan

I probably get invited to 1-3 events

So you don’t expect to be invited to everything and do get invited to some stuff… so what’s the problem. If you don’t like it just remove yourself from the chat

IMissSparkling · 19/07/2025 13:42

yeesh · 19/07/2025 13:26

I would take her adding the party details as the invite tbh

I agree. Do you expect her to tag each person in separate messages as their formal invitation?!

CarrotyO · 19/07/2025 13:42

If the invite has gone into the group chat, I'd assume you were invited.

EggnogNoggin · 19/07/2025 13:45

CarrotyO · 19/07/2025 13:42

If the invite has gone into the group chat, I'd assume you were invited.

Same. If someone os saying Party At X Time you need to go back with something like "deets must be on another chat.as I don't have the info" then they know you either need the details or they need to be more discreet.

Kinneddar · 19/07/2025 13:48

You're not going to get a formal invite. Youre in the chat group. Thats your invite. You're being told theres a party and when its starting.

I think youre totally misreading these situations.

Icanttakethisanymore · 19/07/2025 14:44

Kinneddar · 19/07/2025 13:48

You're not going to get a formal invite. Youre in the chat group. Thats your invite. You're being told theres a party and when its starting.

I think youre totally misreading these situations.

I agree, this would be my take too. Can you check in with your sibling if you’re unsure OP?

Original poster
nohomealone · 19/07/2025 15:28

She's not actually adding details and I can't normally go as I then have plans. It's like on the day of the event person will send address of location and then they follow through with times they will be there. I do also have my other friends in other groups etc. I'm also in the profile pic of this group chat.

OP posts:
Hillrunning · 19/07/2025 15:34

If I were one of the friends I would assume that if an even was arranged in person at a time you were not present that your sister would be passing on the details to you (because presumabl you talk a reasonableabout privately). I'd then happily carry on talking about it in the chat and fully expect you to turn up if available.

OurBeautifulBaby · 19/07/2025 15:35

I would leave the group.

Just because you see the plans in the chat doesn’t mean you are actually invited, especially since nobody seems to follow up with you.

toomuchfaff · 19/07/2025 20:54

Not sure what youre expecting,

One of the girls kept saying things like party at this time event starts at that time

To me, This is the invite to the event to the group chat. What is it that you think is missing?

Reply to this message and go - ahead cool "can / cant go, amazing see you there/ ah such a shame see you next time"

I used to get missed off invites to family stuff because people presumed that family member told me, they didn't.... so someone may assume that sibling is telling you?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/07/2025 20:56

yeesh · 19/07/2025 13:26

I would take her adding the party details as the invite tbh

Me too!
But you could ask sibling to double check for you

Howtotrainarabbit · 19/07/2025 21:02

Perhaps you could give an example of exactly what's said as it's difficult to understand what's being said where they are discussing the plan but you think you're not invited. They're not exactly arranging it behind your back if they're talking about it but they may assume you can't go?

Original poster
nohomealone · 19/07/2025 21:03

Party details aren’t added until like the night before when these plans have been discussed with others for weeks. There also aren’t enough details to make me think I’m invited. I could ask my sister but sometimes she can be the event planner. Which makes me think she is the one that dosnt want me. A few weeks ago we decided to do something with mutual friend in the group. Due to something plans got cancelled but she still did something with other person different to what we had all planned and didn’t invite me

OP posts:
Howtotrainarabbit · 19/07/2025 21:05

Well unless you can speak to your sister you may just have to follow your instincts and assume they don't consider you part of the group. If you're not close enough to your sister to ask her then she probably wouldn't want you as part of the friend group IMO.

Lurkingandlearning · 19/07/2025 21:18

Sometimes when an established group gets together for a dinner that someone else has been invited to and the evening is going well, one of the group might have a warm, fuzzy feeling and spontaneously invite the new person to join the group, whether that be a group chat or regular meet up. There are many reasons why, going forward, the new person isn't as wholly welcome as had been suggested. It almost certainly isn't meant to be unkind, it's just that the invitation wasn't thought through. I think you may have fallen foul of that.

I can see how having been invited and then been effectively dropped is hurtful, but don't take it to heart. Maybe your sister wants her own separate set of friends the way you have yours. Just mute the chat and spend time with your sister away from her friends.

Howtotrainarabbit · 19/07/2025 21:35

Lurkingandlearning · 19/07/2025 21:18

Sometimes when an established group gets together for a dinner that someone else has been invited to and the evening is going well, one of the group might have a warm, fuzzy feeling and spontaneously invite the new person to join the group, whether that be a group chat or regular meet up. There are many reasons why, going forward, the new person isn't as wholly welcome as had been suggested. It almost certainly isn't meant to be unkind, it's just that the invitation wasn't thought through. I think you may have fallen foul of that.

I can see how having been invited and then been effectively dropped is hurtful, but don't take it to heart. Maybe your sister wants her own separate set of friends the way you have yours. Just mute the chat and spend time with your sister away from her friends.

I was thinking this too. I have numerous Facebook friends whom I met at hen dos or weddings and I hand zero interest in them now.

Inthecafe · 20/07/2025 04:30

You’re new to the group

and already there’s been multiple parties?

and 1-3 event you’ve been invited to…. Do you mean 1 in 3?

There is something a little odd about your view of and involvement with this new WhatsApp group. Clearly you and your sibling aren’t best buddies!! You say you have other friends if your own… maybe focus on them.

Original poster
nohomealone · 20/07/2025 05:37

Inthecafe · 20/07/2025 04:30

You’re new to the group

and already there’s been multiple parties?

and 1-3 event you’ve been invited to…. Do you mean 1 in 3?

There is something a little odd about your view of and involvement with this new WhatsApp group. Clearly you and your sibling aren’t best buddies!! You say you have other friends if your own… maybe focus on them.

I have known these group of girls for 10 or more years due to them being friends with my sister. We all now live back at home and they started inviting me to things on the regular before it would only be at birthdays and weddings for my sister or when I came to visit her. At first I was messaged individually and then they added me to the group chat.

OP posts:
Sh291 · 20/07/2025 06:02

I don't see the issue? They are your sisters friend group. They invite you to some events, and maybe not to others. They added you to the chat so they obviously like you and want to include you.
You say you don't expect to be invited to everything. Your not that close with your sister as you won't even ask her if your invited to certain things. Seems like an odd situation to me. Either carry on as you are going to some events, or just leave the group and focus on your own friends?