To still go on holiday by myself after domestic incident

[Chumpachumpa]

H and I not got on for several years. DS1 and DS2 late and mid teens. H and I argued tonight and he slapped my arm . It’s a bit red. No previous domestic abuse to me or kids.

Reported to police. They came and gave a caution as I requested. I’m disappointed and shocked but otherwise fine. Unsure if kids woke up and heard police in the house.

AIBU to go on holiday with DS mis as planned by myself tomorrow?Or is it good idea to have some distance . Holiday is in UK 5 hours away and for 5 days.

post Should say to go away with DSis not DS.

You've argued with your dh, it all got out of hand.

What was the argument about? Is he angry that he is being left to look after the dcs? The dcs are old enough to look after themselves for a couple of days, or to call you if anything else happens.

Has he apologised? Are you talking to each other? Or is he angry that you called the police? Do you think the row was engineered to stop you going?

Some space sounds like a very good idea.

I’m not sure what exactly are you worried about. Is it about him not looking after DSs properly or about the possibility of conflict with violence between him and DSs?
Was he drunk by the way ?
And how did he react to the caution?

I would go with the kids on my own. This type of behaviour is unacceptable. I get we can all lose our tempers at times. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Sending hugs. Time away will do you the world of good ❤️

He has not apologised. He went for walk to cool down on suggestion of police and o went to bed in spare room.
It’s possible but I dont think argument engineered due to my going. I think he’ll be glad to have house and kids to himself. Argument was silly - about cleaning up . He complained about stuff not tidied up , I retaliated about chores he had not done , then the slap.
Take your point about easy for kids to check in if they wish.

Neither of us had been drinking . I think my worry and reading to posting is because police were in the house and I would leave for holiday before teens wake up so wont see them. If they did hear anything , I dont want them to be upset with it me.
He was apparently initially surprised at the police being called by me then recognised it was unacceptable behaviour.
I’m sad at shitty stuff happening at end of what was a nice day.

Do your teens take sleeping pills, are they partially deaf, or do you live in a mansion? Your fight escalated to domestic violence and the police showing up. Parents often have this wishful thinking that their children sleep through their fighting and remain blissfully unaware. It is just that, wishful thinking.

If the police attended there’s no way they would leave allowing him to stay in the property. Also as children are in the property regardless of what you think they haven’t seen/heard the police have a statutory requirement to safeguard the children . So do expect a phone call from the local MASH team and a visit from a social worker . Also if he has hit you why on earth would you consider leaving the children in his care?
the social care team would say that the children are in danger from both parents . From the father due to DV and the mother who walked out to go on holiday with an offender , showing that she is unable to safeguard her children

Also - I stand corrected if I’m wrong a police caution can only be given if a suspect has admitted guilt . Surely that would have to be in a formal setting under a recorded interview ?

I think it's a bit ofd to report a concern to police but then not be concerned about leaving dc with him the next day. Plus won't they be concerned about the incident/police visiting? I would assume they heard something.

I would have thought your DH would have been interviewed at the station for a formal caution. If formal, they would notify children’s social care.

Did you genuinely feel that he criminally assaulted you in a way that warranted police involvement, or did you involve the police as an escalation of your argument to teach him a lesson? Be honest.

Because if it's the former, I don't see how you'd feel safe leaving your children with someone capable of inflicting violence on their family.

He may never have behaved in a way that indicates he would be capable of hitting your children, but presumably he's never hit you before this either?

Sounds a lot more to this tbh and for a slap on the arm I'm not sure I would have called the police. Having been in a very bad domestic abuse relationship daily and for a long time and eventually getting the courage to get police involved im not sure I would have done it over a slap. I think you were as angry as he was and went a bit further verbally rather than walking away tbh. Based on my own experience they must have thought it was a 50/50 if they didn't arrest him. Either way in no mans world would I leave kids of any age if I thought it was actually so bad. I take them with me.

ive Reported this post . If you’re going to create DV stories do your research! Theres far too many people on here that will be safeguarding trained . Also look up what a PPO is . The police would’ve taken the children to safety if your husband stayed in the property.

Hmm. Your priorities are off.

OP, if your kids overheard anything, they would be severely affected by it. As others have said, it is very likely they would have heard something. You can't really leave them.

Even on the odd chance they didn't, your husband (who hasn't apologised), might be angry enough to spin them a story about you which is damaging, and they would see it as abandonment by you if they view these events in the future. In addition, if things escalate in the future between you both, your husband can use you leaving to go on holiday as proof you are irresponsible towards the kids. Social services might view it in the same way.

I disagree with those saying he might harm the kids - highly unlikely if he has a good relationship with them and he has never used violence before.

You did the right thing involving the police though. No one should use violence towards anyone else ever, and I doubt he ever will again as he knows you won't accept it (though you may wish to leave him at this point - I would).

So you had an argument, there's never been any DV, he slapped your arm & you called the police?

Why?

There must be more to this than what you've said.

Severely affected?

I'm struggling to see how mid & late teens would be 'Severely affected' by the incident if there's never been any abuse before.

Mildly disturbed would be a better description.

Even for a punch, I don’t think the police are needed.

@Chumpachumpa

Look, I'm the first woman to tell you that no level of abuse is acceptable, but I'm going to read between the lines here and guess that there's more psychologically going on than 'no abuse and a hit on the arm'.

Why would you call the police otherwise?

He's either been needling you in a bad way for a long time and this was a line in the sand moment or you're a wrong'un.

I'm guessing it's the first.

So there is abuse. It's just never been physical before.

Yes?

Mildly disturbed would be a better description.

If I heard my parents arguing, the police were called and my mum went on holiday the next day I would be more than mildly disturbed....

As long as you get into no text conversations with the family during, H can explain why he hit you to the children.

Imo that should be a family conversation. So if the dc text her checking in & with questions the OP should shut down conversation?

In these situations parents should be modelling how to cope with relationship fallout etc.