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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still go on holiday by myself after domestic incident

62 replies

Chumpachumpa · 19/07/2025 01:28

H and I not got on for several years. DS1 and DS2 late and mid teens. H and I argued tonight and he slapped my arm . It’s a bit red. No previous domestic abuse to me or kids.

Reported to police. They came and gave a caution as I requested. I’m disappointed and shocked but otherwise fine. Unsure if kids woke up and heard police in the house.

AIBU to go on holiday with DS mis as planned by myself tomorrow?Or is it good idea to have some distance . Holiday is in UK 5 hours away and for 5 days.

OP posts:
KimHwn · 19/07/2025 03:57

Absolutely bonkers how many apologists are on this thread. A slap is a slap, of course OP did right to call the police.
I wouldn't go on holiday.

Sakura7 · 19/07/2025 04:02

Gardeninrags · 19/07/2025 03:39

Even for a punch, I don’t think the police are needed.

Show quote history

What the fuck?

That's quite clearly assault. Christ almighty

IncrediblyGood · 19/07/2025 04:16

KimHwn · 19/07/2025 03:57

Absolutely bonkers how many apologists are on this thread. A slap is a slap, of course OP did right to call the police.
I wouldn't go on holiday.

Yes. Absolutely.

But.

I don't believe it's never been an abusive relationship.

One doesn't go from zero to ten.

There's something else going on.

IncrediblyGood · 19/07/2025 04:18

If it was a slap on the arm, after however many years of an otherwise good relationship would you actually call the police?

No.

So there's something else going on here.

Velmy · 19/07/2025 04:27

IncrediblyGood · 19/07/2025 04:18

If it was a slap on the arm, after however many years of an otherwise good relationship would you actually call the police?

No.

So there's something else going on here.

To be fair, I can see how someone who had never experienced anything remotely approaching DV before, who was slapped on the arm in a row (especially if it was a good whack), might be so shocked/upset that they'd panic and call the police.

I can also see how someone in that position might react with absolute fury that their partner had dared to behave that way, and make a conscious decision to call the police in retaliation.

With that said, I'm not sure I entirely believe OPs story...I'm reasonably sure that if police attend an allegation of DV, they have to remove one party 🤔

aGirlLikeJesamine · 19/07/2025 04:31

no, you are right op,
dont go away, just yet

BumblingBanana · 19/07/2025 07:27

I think to be honest if the police are going to contact SS, you are not going to look like a responsible parent to be away on holiday without your kids when they get in touch. You say it's fine but DH could take it out on them while you are gone.

BCBird · 19/07/2025 07:32

Gardeninrags · 19/07/2025 03:39

Even for a punch, I don’t think the police are needed.

Show quote history

??? Really? To me there would be no doubt at all.

Fundayout2025 · 19/07/2025 07:33

lonelyplanet13 · 19/07/2025 02:37

If the police attended there’s no way they would leave allowing him to stay in the property. Also as children are in the property regardless of what you think they haven’t seen/heard the police have a statutory requirement to safeguard the children . So do expect a phone call from the local MASH team and a visit from a social worker . Also if he has hit you why on earth would you consider leaving the children in his care?
the social care team would say that the children are in danger from both parents . From the father due to DV and the mother who walked out to go on holiday with an offender , showing that she is unable to safeguard her children

Edited

What offender is the mother going on holiday with? Sure it said she was going with her sister.

And I don't see why the " children" who are mid teens would be unsafe in his care.

Honestly it's amazing how many people make wild comments that are irrelevant to the OP

Fundayout2025 · 19/07/2025 07:38

pucksack · 19/07/2025 03:50

Mildly disturbed would be a better description.

If I heard my parents arguing, the police were called and my mum went on holiday the next day I would be more than mildly disturbed....

You would know your mum was going on holiday the following day anyway so why would be better disturbed at that?

So the husband has slapped her during an argument, and now posters are expecting her to give up her planned holiday with her sister as well? Just why?

Aberdeenusername · 19/07/2025 07:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

The police don’t think that there is Dv and assault charges for a reason chum 🙄 shameful comment

FrostiesAreCornflakesForPeopleWhoCantFaceReality · 19/07/2025 07:46

You’ve missed bits out of your story? The police were called due to DV, your husband received a caution on the spot (without first being arrested even) and then
went for a walk to “cool down” and the police were then fine for you to both stay in the same house that night?

Nah. But assuming everything happened the way you said, YABU. I would never, ever leave my children (or my pets for that matter) in the home alone with someone I’d very recently called the police on due to DV.

aGirlLikeJesamine · 19/07/2025 07:54

for their emotional health i wouldnt leave

Pregnancyquestion · 19/07/2025 07:54

lonelyplanet13 · 19/07/2025 02:51

ive Reported this post . If you’re going to create DV stories do your research! Theres far too many people on here that will be safeguarding trained . Also look up what a PPO is . The police would’ve taken the children to safety if your husband stayed in the property.

I’m not sure if it’s true or not, so not jumping to her defense, I’m a social worker for adults, and I do worry you have too much faith in the police. I’ve had numerous referrals from the police in my local area who attend worse calls then this and don’t remove perpetrator from the scene, they just make onward referrals to GP, DV charity and SS as the victim doesn’t want any further action taken they say it’s more appropriately dealt with by other agencies

runningonberocca · 19/07/2025 07:55

Gardeninrags · 19/07/2025 03:39

Even for a punch, I don’t think the police are needed.

Show quote history

WTF? How low is your bar?

Borogrover · 19/07/2025 08:30

Gardeninrags · 19/07/2025 03:39

Even for a punch, I don’t think the police are needed.

Show quote history

Dear lord.

Soulfulunfurling · 19/07/2025 08:44

Your priority is to leave, with your children. You don’t leave them in a house with a violent man.

Avocadocat · 19/07/2025 08:57

My dad hit my mum once and she got in the car and just left. It stayed with me a long long time as I couldn’t understand how if he’d hit her why she felt I was safe with him. It was serious enough for her to (rightly) leave so why did she think it was ok for me to stay with him?

You felt scared enough that the police needed to be involved so how are you comfortable leaving your kids with him?

Picklechicken · 19/07/2025 09:09

Soulfulunfurling · 19/07/2025 08:44

Your priority is to leave, with your children. You don’t leave them in a house with a violent man.

This.

What message does it send to them otherwise?

Stompythedinosaur · 19/07/2025 09:12

No, I wouldn't go away and leave my dc with a parent who's assaulted someone. He can't manage his emotions and it isn't safe. I don't care if it was "just a slap", it crosses a line.

BabyCatFace · 19/07/2025 09:14

lonelyplanet13 · 19/07/2025 02:37

If the police attended there’s no way they would leave allowing him to stay in the property. Also as children are in the property regardless of what you think they haven’t seen/heard the police have a statutory requirement to safeguard the children . So do expect a phone call from the local MASH team and a visit from a social worker . Also if he has hit you why on earth would you consider leaving the children in his care?
the social care team would say that the children are in danger from both parents . From the father due to DV and the mother who walked out to go on holiday with an offender , showing that she is unable to safeguard her children

Edited

As a social worker I promise you I would say nothing of the sort. Your claims about what police would do are also bizarre and incorrect.

BabyCatFace · 19/07/2025 09:15

lonelyplanet13 · 19/07/2025 02:51

ive Reported this post . If you’re going to create DV stories do your research! Theres far too many people on here that will be safeguarding trained . Also look up what a PPO is . The police would’ve taken the children to safety if your husband stayed in the property.

What are you even talking about? There's no way police would have taken police protection under these circumstances. Not in a million years. What is your experience to be making such outlandish claims?

Summerartwitch · 19/07/2025 09:16

''@Gardeninrags
''@Springtimehere · Today 03:36
Slap or punch what does ot matter fgs
Show quote history
Even for a punch, I don’t think the police are needed.''

What have I just read?

You think it is OK for a man to slap or punch his wife then?

WTF is wrong with you?

OP you did exactly the right thing: you showed your partner that it is not OK to hit you. Full stop.

You also mentioned that you 'have no got on for several years' so it is clear that there are serious issues in your marriage that have now evolved into you having to call the police.

Honestly in your shoes I would ask your husband to leave the house.

If you can take your kids on holiday with you then go but if they are to stay with their father I would postpone.

In your shoes I would end this relationship. It is not a healthy environment for you or your kids.

BabyCatFace · 19/07/2025 09:19

Velmy · 19/07/2025 04:27

To be fair, I can see how someone who had never experienced anything remotely approaching DV before, who was slapped on the arm in a row (especially if it was a good whack), might be so shocked/upset that they'd panic and call the police.

I can also see how someone in that position might react with absolute fury that their partner had dared to behave that way, and make a conscious decision to call the police in retaliation.

With that said, I'm not sure I entirely believe OPs story...I'm reasonably sure that if police attend an allegation of DV, they have to remove one party 🤔

Show quote history

Police definitely don't have to remove anyone. They can't remove anyone unless they arrest them. They can give words of advice (which they did, advising him to go for a walk to cool off) but otherwise if they don't arrest him how do you think they can remove him from his house?

People are acting as if this was a high level assault. It wasn't, and police won't have done anything other than what they did, and send a report to children's services, who probably won't do anything beyond a phone call either.

BabyCatFace · 19/07/2025 09:22

Pregnancyquestion · 19/07/2025 07:54

I’m not sure if it’s true or not, so not jumping to her defense, I’m a social worker for adults, and I do worry you have too much faith in the police. I’ve had numerous referrals from the police in my local area who attend worse calls then this and don’t remove perpetrator from the scene, they just make onward referrals to GP, DV charity and SS as the victim doesn’t want any further action taken they say it’s more appropriately dealt with by other agencies

Show quote history

You're absolutely correct. That poster has a wildly misleading interpretation of police powers.