To worry about my nephew?

[Dappy777]

My nephew is 19 (20 next month) and has no friends. He is a lovely lad – tall, handsome and charming. My sister never had any problems with him at school – the teachers liked him, and he always had friends. He was a bit lazy, but he did OK in his exams and now works in a gym.

Anyway, he seems to have got kind of stuck. I don't see as much of them as I'd like (we're 200 miles away). But last weekend we drove up and spent the night. After some lunch and a long chat, he went out and me and my sister were left alone. She said she worries that he just doesn't seem to "have a life" (her words). He has drifted away from all his school friends, and he didn't really connect with anyone at college. He gets on fine with the other guys at the gym, but never sees them socially. He also seems uninterested in dating. He goes to the cinema on his own, and even goes abroad on his own. Basically, he's had no social life for the last three years – no parties, no relationships, nothing. Oh, and he doesn't drink – at all. I took a couple of bottles of wine with me and offered him a glass, but he refused. So me and his mum sat there knocking back the booze while he sipped a fruit smoothie!

My sister was always part of a big crowd, and her bedroom wall was covered in photos of her and her friends – at festivals, or backpacking round Europe, or whatever. To her his life seems a failure. But is he simply an introvert? His dad is a much quieter, more introverted person than my sister, and I suspect my nephew takes after him. He seems perfectly happy btw. He cracked a few jokes, teased me a little, and was his usual sweet, funny self. He really doesn't seem bothered.

I don't think he's chosen to have no social life. It's just how things have panned out, and he seems perfectly happy with that. Is it normal? Is it unhealthy? I ask sincerely. I'm a big introvert myself and can't imagine anything worse than a hectic social life, but then I'm middle-aged. Do we put too much pressure on young people like him? Should we be more tolerant of different personality types? I remember at his age being put under horrendous pressure to go out and party. I'd go along with it, of course, and screech with fake laughter, etc. But deep down I just wanted to be at home reading or listening to music. My sister really enjoyed going out and meeting new people. I just pretended to because I feared being labelled a loser. Maybe he's just got more strength of character than me.

I’m not sure why it’s a worry - he has a job, enjoys going out and on holiday and doesn’t drink?

Maybe his just enjoying his own peace.

As long as his not unhappy with his life it’s fine.

You also don’t actually know for sure his holidays or cinema trips are alone.

Worrying about the fact that he doesn’t drink is really, really weird imo.

Unless there's more to this than meets the eye this doesn't sound worrying at all. He's got his shit together and knows what he wants.

He may not be a very sociable person, and that's OK: he's probably an introvert. Some people don't want or needs loads of people around them and are very self-reliant. It's also fair to say that your sister know who he's meeting when he's out. He may just be very private.

It sounds a bit like your sister is projecting based on the fact that he's not like her.

And this, yes. People of my generation (Gen X) drank far far more than was healthy on average. I'm seeing some of the health problems which resulted from this coming home to roost now. Although I personally have avoided (so far) any major health issues from it, I wasted loads of opportunities in life by preferring to be around people getting pissed.

The fact that he doesn't drink is if anything something to celebrate. You're not missing much by choosing to avoid booze.

Maybe he has a secret life thay he doesn't want his family to know about?

I wouldn't worry about him unless he was the one to say that he was unhappy.

As it is, it's nice that he is brave enough to go to the pictures and abroad by himself. A lot of people still don't have the guts to do that!

He does have a social life. He doesn't spend all day at work speaking to no one, I'm sure. I'd also be surprised if he never meets any other solo travellers on his holidays. He socialises with his family. What he doesn't have is the sort of life you and his mum think is right for a young man his age. You need to get past that, as he's an individual. As long as he's happy he's living the right life for him.

Find out if his Dad is worried? If it sounds normal to him, then he probably just takes after him more? It all sounds pretty normal I think. If you don't go to uni where there might be a big social element, or into a grad job, then I can see it is just as hard to meet people as anyone of any age just going to work everyday then coming home. It's hard to know where to find friends. However, lots of young people have friendships with people online thru forums like this, for example (but more likely Discord or multiplayer video games) so he may have a social life, but not one that is focused around pub culture.

He’s got a job and he was sociable and engaged when you came to visit. Those both seem like good signs. Some people are more introverted, I definitely was, and not everyone wants to be eurailing through festivals with a big crowd of friends. But having no friends at all does seem a bit extreme, I’d be concerned not in terms of him being a ‘failure’ or a ‘loser’ but just that he’s missing an important enriching part of life. Ultimately though it comes down to what he wants and what makes him happy.

Is he happy?

That’s the only thing that matters.

Leave him alone. He's OK and it's none of your business.
I expect he'd be horrified if he knew you were discussing his life.

What does he think of your life?

Leave him be.

He seems perfectly happy and fine.

Please don't pass your issues around alcohol onto him.

You make it sound as though not drinking is weird or bad in some way.

You could've described my middle DS here. He had friends but preferred to go abroad sight seeing alone and to the theatre etc.

He didn't get his first girlfriend until he was 20. He's 26 now, very settled, very happy.

Oh, and he still doesn't drink.

This. He works, goes out to activities, goes on holiday, spends time with his family, is happy and has a sense of humour. I find the amount of threads on here about 20yo jobless men who game 19 hours a day and only leave their rooms to eat and shit a bit gobsmacking. I thought you were going to describe one of these. There’s nothing wrong with him just because he doesn’t like to get pissed and shag around

This. Pushing alcohol on younger people sends out a very dangerous message (I speak from bitter experience) Shame to see it hasn't died out...

Young people don't seem to drink like we did in our youth which is no bad thing imo.

My nephew is 18 and rarely drinks his mates don't either. They are much more healthy conscious than we were, which is a good thing. He also said it's too expensive. If he takes a girl out and she asks for a G&T it can be £10 in some bars!

He has a job, goes to the cinema, goes on holiday, seems happy, doesn't drink...jeez, he seems like a well adjusted lad, if anything.

I was a bit like that around his age. I'm an introvert and it took a while to find my crowd. Forties now and I have a small social circle and still prefer to travel solo. Good for him he's exploring the world on his own, I say.

He has a social life.

It's not one you seem to get.

He's got a job. He goes out to see films. He goes abroad alone. This speaks to a healthy level of self confidence.

He lives healthy. A lot of younger people don't drink alcohol, they know there are health risks and choose not to for various reasons.

Your lifestyle is not the only way.

Stop asking him to drink alcohol when you know he doesn't. That's rude.

A young, handsome man who works in a gym would have a very active social life and MANY girlfriends if he wanted to….

1. you probably aren’t hearing about any of it. His mum gossiping about his life and pushing alcohol probably doesn’t make for wanting to divulge private details to her
2. whatever life he’s living is clearly out of choice. He hardly works alone in a small office underground with no interpersonal skills and bad BO. I’m sure he has plenty of opportunities to socialise.

You need to understand that young people now are just different to how we were. They aren’t all about alcohol and partying and wasting money. House prices make home ownership an ever distant dream, they have only known a time since the market crash of 2008 and the subsequent years, so they are just more risk averse. Besides can you imagine all those drunken nights out you are remembering with camera phones and social media present?! Different times.

He sounds like a very sensible young man living a life true to his values.

I love that more young people are like him these days.
When I was younger I did all the drinking, parrying and never wanted to be seen as 'boring' and everyone I knew was exactly the same.
I never even asked myself if I liked it, its just what you did when you were that age.
I see so many younger people living healthier lifestyles now, going to the gym, wellness, no drinking, solo dates/travel, living a lot more true to themselves.

I applaude him, he sounds like he's got his head screwed on right, no need to worry about him.

He is still very young he has his whole lifetime in front of him. He isn't his mother and he enjoys different things from her. He is doing things and he is earning money. And there is nothing wrong with not enjoying alcohol. If he is content I think he should just be left to be himself.

The bit you put in bold is that he doesn’t drink at all?

That says more about you than him.

I am in my fifties with plenty of friends and family and I have never drunk alcohol. It’s simply not an issue.

I was a teenager in the 90s when the whole ‘ladette’ thing was big, and it was such a 180 in terms of who I was or how I wanted to live my life. When I read about Gen Z having no interest in clubbing or alcohol I think I was just ahead of my time! It would be nice to be a teenager now and feel more in step with my peers. When I see people my age or a bit older concerned or even a bit offended at the idea that being a teen now doesn’t automatically mean having to be constantly on the lash at a club or a house party - in other words, very very slowly starting to understand that their preference for how to be a teenager isn’t actually universal - I think they’re very, very slowly starting to understand how it feels for your preferences not to automatically be the social mainstream. Some of us understood that feeling a long time ago.