To worry about my nephew?

[Dappy777]

My nephew is 19 (20 next month) and has no friends. He is a lovely lad – tall, handsome and charming. My sister never had any problems with him at school – the teachers liked him, and he always had friends. He was a bit lazy, but he did OK in his exams and now works in a gym.

Anyway, he seems to have got kind of stuck. I don't see as much of them as I'd like (we're 200 miles away). But last weekend we drove up and spent the night. After some lunch and a long chat, he went out and me and my sister were left alone. She said she worries that he just doesn't seem to "have a life" (her words). He has drifted away from all his school friends, and he didn't really connect with anyone at college. He gets on fine with the other guys at the gym, but never sees them socially. He also seems uninterested in dating. He goes to the cinema on his own, and even goes abroad on his own. Basically, he's had no social life for the last three years – no parties, no relationships, nothing. Oh, and he doesn't drink – at all. I took a couple of bottles of wine with me and offered him a glass, but he refused. So me and his mum sat there knocking back the booze while he sipped a fruit smoothie!

My sister was always part of a big crowd, and her bedroom wall was covered in photos of her and her friends – at festivals, or backpacking round Europe, or whatever. To her his life seems a failure. But is he simply an introvert? His dad is a much quieter, more introverted person than my sister, and I suspect my nephew takes after him. He seems perfectly happy btw. He cracked a few jokes, teased me a little, and was his usual sweet, funny self. He really doesn't seem bothered.

I don't think he's chosen to have no social life. It's just how things have panned out, and he seems perfectly happy with that. Is it normal? Is it unhealthy? I ask sincerely. I'm a big introvert myself and can't imagine anything worse than a hectic social life, but then I'm middle-aged. Do we put too much pressure on young people like him? Should we be more tolerant of different personality types? I remember at his age being put under horrendous pressure to go out and party. I'd go along with it, of course, and screech with fake laughter, etc. But deep down I just wanted to be at home reading or listening to music. My sister really enjoyed going out and meeting new people. I just pretended to because I feared being labelled a loser. Maybe he's just got more strength of character than me.

I can imagine him talking to his friends on SM now... "I am a bit worried about my mother. She can't relax unless she's got a glass of booze, even at home with her own sister, and she's so insecure that she needs to take a friend with her every time she goes anywhere. She seems to need constant affirmation from being around other people, it's so tragic. How can I help her?"

Yes, I can relate to this. I was also a teenager in the 1990s. I went to a massive sixth form college in the town centre in 1995, just as Britpop was at its height. I was a very introverted teen and hated the pressure to go out and socialise. I'd come in on Monday and everyone would be discussing how much they'd drunk, what clubs or bars they'd been to, who got off with who, etc. I felt such a loser I actually used to lie. I think part of my mind/emotional life got stuck or fixated at that college. Even today my instinct is to lie about what I did at the weekend, or to pretend that I've got more of a social life than I really have.

I think my sister worries about him because not having lots of friends would have made her unhappy. She embraced the '90s and was out every weekend. The problem is that introverts are made to feel ashamed of being introverts. Or they certainly were when I was a teen. I don't think I ever let go of that shame. Maybe I internalised it and am now projecting it onto him? I'm glad he doesn't drink (ffs everyone, I only offered him a glass of wine🙄It was the first drink I'd had in about a month). But the fact he has no friends, and still seems quite happy, puzzles me. Like I said, I suspect it's a projection. I had awful social anxiety at his age, and I think all the fear and shame still bubble away deep inside me. People made me feel that the more friends you had the happier and more successful you were.

Are things different today? I genuinely have no idea. Are young people more tolerant of introverts and loners? Are they less judgemental?

There is definitely less pressure to drink a lot. My ds is also shy and rarely drinks alcohol and the gym is apparently the place to socialise now. Ds does have a few friends but this took time to develop. He seemed to mature a bit quicker than other boys and was always a bit intimidated by the alpha boys. Your dn will find his tribe and there are the dating apps now. Perhaps your sister could mention these to him (although I’m sure he’s aware of them).

He sounds absolutely fine. In some way the situation is working for him, and anyway could easily change at any time.
The fact that his mum is very social and loves festivals is irrelevant here - he's not his mum.

I think it’s better to be a confident lover rather than be insecure and people pleasing in a group. The former thrive and are respected while the latter get the piss taken out of them massively

Confused why you think he should be out drinking or should have accepted a drink when offered. Many people don’t drink including myself.

I have a teen who also has no interest in drinking and nor do the others they hang around with. They are all in to their sports and gyms.

Ah, can I just say I think it's lovely you're so concerned about him, you obviously love him a lot.
I know you're focusing on him having no friends, the bit about him not drinking was just an aside.
But I think young people today are doing things very differently to how their parents might have. If he has the confidence to go away on his own and enjoy his own company then that's great!

Hopefully he is just an introvert and is happy in his own company. I do know a few people who have sons like this, some nearing their mid twenties, never had a girlfriend, gone on dates… Just minimum wage job and then back in there room playing x box. I was listening to a podcast about it recently and one thought is.. Young people have so much entertainment on their phones and laptops that they genuinely don’t get bored of there own company and another thought is they don’t know how to change it.. Make new friends, ask a girl out, date ect.

Lots of that generation don’t drink.

i have kids that sort of age and parties and going out pubbing and clubbing are a lot less popular than when I was a teen (I also was a teen/early twenties during the nineties).

firstly it’s bloody expensive. Pubs in particular - if you are not drinking alcohol they’re charging you through the nose for soft drinks.

dating is tricky - my DS has been on the apps but there are so many people on them and each date if it’s a meal is really expensive - and the expectation is that the bloke pays. Wrong side of 100 quid for a first date. He’s come off them multiple times because he just can’t afford it.

he did go clubbing a bit but he doesn’t drink or do illegal substances and again it’s very expensive for what it is.

he mostly meets mates for coffee or late night dessert or they go running or go to the gym together (or jam together).

I think it’s a bit sad that he appears to have no friends at all. Not going out socialising all the time and not drinking are totally fine if he’s happy. But to have no one his age to spend any time at all with? Or to chat to? That seems a shame. Going on holiday completely alone is also a little unusual. I would worry about my 19 year old also if they had no mates at all.

I have three 20 somethings and none of them drink along with several of their friends. It's not unusual nowadays for youngsters not to drink which can only be a good thing. He's to be admired, not worried about.

People should stop comparing lives. What one person enjoys would be anothers idea of torture. As long as hes happy leave him be. X

You sound like a lovely caring aunt.

i understand your concern, whether he’s an introvert or not, having no friends at all is not healthy. We live more and more isolated lives and it gets more difficult to meet people as we get older.

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it. Maybe just try and make contact more often so that he knows you’re there?

Sorry, posted twice!

That could have been my youngest. He never went out, had no friends, no social life and I worried about him constantly. Now he lives with his girlfriend and has an ok social life and some friends.

If he is happy with this then that’s absolutely fine but it’s not as simple as the “not everyone wants to drink anymore” argument - as valid as that voice is. There is a real issue with male loneliness in that generation and although he’s active and sociable in a different way, it may be that he feels friendships are missing for him. I have no advice on how to approach it but I think you sound like a great auntie for being concerned about him.

The more I think about it, there are two separate things. First, there is the question whether he is lonely/unhappy. So far as I can tell, he isn't.

Then there is question of shame. And I suspect that here I'm projecting. When I was his age, I had bad social anxiety and very little social life. I'm an introvert, and it genuinely didn't bother me. I liked pottering around at home, reading, painting, listening to music, etc. But other people made me feel like a loser. I had deep feelings of shame that I suspect are still there. I suppose I worry that he too has those feelings of shame. Again, I don't think he does. At least, I hope he doesn't. I wonder if it's just that he's more mature than I was? Or is it a generational thing?

As long as he is happy I'd be happy. If he works in a gym he is "having" to be sociable all day. It's possible that is enough for him and he wants down time after work especially if he is naturally introverted. I've also noticed (going by some of the younger girls at work) they do generally seem much tamer than I was at there age! I think socialising has changed drastically in the last few years especially with phones and social media. If we wanted to talk we would meet up as messaging would cost a small fortune too! He sounds OK with his life, he's not just shut in his room he just sounds comfortable in his own company.

He works, gets out and about, travels. Absolutely nothing to worry about. Lots of young people don't drink these days so that's a complete non issue. It's also perfectly possible that he just doesn't tell his mum every time he socialises!

I think he sounds fabulous! Healthy, happy, making good choices, happy in his own company. Most people are dicks anyway so he’s just preventing heartbreak and upset keeping himself to himself. He might even have a bit of neurodivergence. If he wanted to socialise, I’m sure he would. Maybe ask him?

He sounds great, majority of lads his age are absolute kn*bheads. He’s probably acutely aware of this and just wants no part of it and to stick to himself. Absolutely nothing wrong with it as long as he seems happy and confident in himself which you say he does so I really wouldn’t worry. A girlfriend will probably come along one day but it’s good he’s not desperate to need to be in a relationship like so many. Just because it’s not the set way of life that seems to be expected of everyone doesn’t actually mean there’s anything wrong. Good for him for going his own way and not trying to stick to the conventional check box of life just to fit in. Because if you take a look around at all the, especially young people, with mental health problems, the current expectations of life isn’t working out too well for people.

Is he happy? That's all that matters.

He sounds fine to me. Some people just like their own company.

The late night deserts is what Muslim teenagers/ young people do to socialise. We adopt so many different cultures in the UK. For eg we are becoming more Americanised with Halloween baby showers etc and this could be another cultural shift. Good for them I say. I’d rather my teens be at the gym or going for dessert/ coffee.

I think he is okay.