To worry about my nephew?

[Dappy777]

My nephew is 19 (20 next month) and has no friends. He is a lovely lad – tall, handsome and charming. My sister never had any problems with him at school – the teachers liked him, and he always had friends. He was a bit lazy, but he did OK in his exams and now works in a gym.

Anyway, he seems to have got kind of stuck. I don't see as much of them as I'd like (we're 200 miles away). But last weekend we drove up and spent the night. After some lunch and a long chat, he went out and me and my sister were left alone. She said she worries that he just doesn't seem to "have a life" (her words). He has drifted away from all his school friends, and he didn't really connect with anyone at college. He gets on fine with the other guys at the gym, but never sees them socially. He also seems uninterested in dating. He goes to the cinema on his own, and even goes abroad on his own. Basically, he's had no social life for the last three years – no parties, no relationships, nothing. Oh, and he doesn't drink – at all. I took a couple of bottles of wine with me and offered him a glass, but he refused. So me and his mum sat there knocking back the booze while he sipped a fruit smoothie!

My sister was always part of a big crowd, and her bedroom wall was covered in photos of her and her friends – at festivals, or backpacking round Europe, or whatever. To her his life seems a failure. But is he simply an introvert? His dad is a much quieter, more introverted person than my sister, and I suspect my nephew takes after him. He seems perfectly happy btw. He cracked a few jokes, teased me a little, and was his usual sweet, funny self. He really doesn't seem bothered.

I don't think he's chosen to have no social life. It's just how things have panned out, and he seems perfectly happy with that. Is it normal? Is it unhealthy? I ask sincerely. I'm a big introvert myself and can't imagine anything worse than a hectic social life, but then I'm middle-aged. Do we put too much pressure on young people like him? Should we be more tolerant of different personality types? I remember at his age being put under horrendous pressure to go out and party. I'd go along with it, of course, and screech with fake laughter, etc. But deep down I just wanted to be at home reading or listening to music. My sister really enjoyed going out and meeting new people. I just pretended to because I feared being labelled a loser. Maybe he's just got more strength of character than me.

I understand where you're coming from, truly. There’s an important discussion to be had about young men and loneliness, especially with all the concerning statistics these days. But we also need to be cautious not to label every quiet or solitary young person as problematic.
Not everyone flourishes with a busy social life, and not every 19-year-old is meant to be out clubbing, dating, or constantly surrounded by friends. Some genuinely enjoy their own company, and that’s not automatically a cause for concern.
From what the OP shared, her nephew doesn’t seem withdrawn, rude, or disconnected. He’s working, bonding with family, cracking jokes, and even traveling solo (which, honestly, shows more confidence than many his age). That doesn’t suggest "lonely and lost" to me—it sounds like a young man taking his own path or simply needing more time to find his people and rhythm.
Of course, it’s worth keeping an eye on things in case it turns into isolation or unhappiness. But we shouldn’t impose our own expectations of what a “normal” 19-year-old life should look like. Some people bloom at 18, others at 28.

Sounds perfectly fine to me. A well adjusted young man.

I always did many hobbies and choirs and so on but preferred my 2 best friends one on one and some older interesting people for friends, like a medium lady, my editor, and one gay

so to this day I prefer not parties but meet ups or things with learning and purpose. Married and have a job, currently not close friends but one colleague talks to much strange stuff to me and makes me laugh my heart out that I don't see to miss anyone

my kid is secondary age complete home body, as so is my husband who loves his small job and has golf mates.

I don't see anything I can do to force anyone

as long your relative has at least even one thing going on for them and they or someone pays their bills or shared or whatever, there is health care and so on, what is the issue

Well at least he is protecting his future health from not drinking! I wish my nephew didn’t drink alcohol - I hate the stuff snd personally it has ruined some family members’ lives - he sounds very grounded sensible lad!

yes, the British people are way too the same, labelled, labelling and forcing a very fake socialising idea onto basically everyone. Not everyone is autistic, not everyone is a miser, not everyone is a loser and some people love cozy home, calm atmosphere, don't need sex and one night stands and all the bullshit that comes with cliques and all that

because believe me, the ones who label you this or that and think you must be autistic if you prefer different things to the crowd, will be soon taking over this thread.

Did you consider, at any point, talking to him? Asking him how he feels about his life? Asking him whether he'd like to have more of a social life?

I find it quite interesting that on listing the things you worry about, him being teetotal is one of them…

It's a whole different world now the younger generation are growing up in, you shouldn't expect them to behave like we did their age.
I t think the best thing you can do is mind your own business and allow your nephew to live his life on his terms.
He sounds a really decent young man, his parents did a good job.

Yes, the point of satire is that it's based in reality to begin with. If it wasn't based on reality, the joke wouldn't make sense.

I think my son will be like this, he likes socialising at activities which your nephew clearly does, having friendly chats at the gym and with colleagues at work. He's also socialising at home because he's living with his fanily still. He probably wants/needs the quiet holidays and cinema trips. He sounds happy and comfortable with his life, maybe he'll develop more friendships if he moves out of home and there's more of a gap. Lots of young people dont drink, they're so much healthier than we were with the gym and protein shakes taking over from wkd and vodka red bull, which is honestly no bad thing at all

Oh for Christsake I wish I hadn’t bloody mentioned alcohol. I couldn’t care less that he doesn’t drink. I only pointed it out as it seemed part of a more general disconnect/disinterest in other people. But that’s probably more a generational thing. When I was his age, people were obsessed with alcohol, and social life revolved around it. If young British people drink less alcohol, then that’s very good news.

What really bothered me was his lack of friends. To be honest I have no idea what ‘normal’ is. How many friends does the average 19-year-old boy have? Or need? I suppose I was curious to hear other people’s experiences. I mean people who have young men in their lives (sons, nephews, neighbours, etc). Maybe we all idealise other people’s lives too much. I suppose I assume every 19-year-old has a big group of friends. Do many young people pursue lots of friendships because they think it looks good/makes them cool? Or is it natural to want lots of people in your life? As an introvert who was made to feel guilty and ashamed for being an introvert my view of all this is a bit skewed and confused.

If he's happy, then he's happy. He doesn't have to explain himself to you or his mother.

Oh and I don't drink at all either and never have. I'm normal and happy and healthy.

My DS is 17. He has one close friend and a couple of other decent friends. But that's about it. No girlfriend. He doesn't drink (and doesn't want to), go to parties and is a bit introverted. Like your nephew, he seems happy enough most of the time. Now and again he makes comments which suggest he'd like more friends. I do worry about him, particularly in the holidays. I think that's a natural reaction by the way! He'll be off to Uni next year and I just hope he can establish a little network when he's there. Ultimately there's nothing you can really do other than be there for him and be a listening ear if he ever needs to talk.

Tell him to get off the internet, he’d probably have more luck asking a girl at work if she wanted to go on a date, or for a coffee. Internet dating must be awful for most young guys self esteem.

He just sounds like a bit of a lone wolf and there's nothing wrong with that. Sounds like he knows what he wants in terms of travel and activities and is happy to pursue solo. That is amazing, some people never have that confidence and focus.

I suspect it's not necessarily going to be the case that he will always have no friends or relationships, but more that he doesn't seek for the sake of it.

Has your sister ever asked him how he feels about it? Whether he's happy? The thing that would concern me about lack of friendships is a lack of someone to confide in if needed. But then how many people really have those deep connections anyway?

OP I think you're right that it's not good to have no friends at all. Having a large group of friends is not necessarily right for everyone. But the other extreme of having not one friend is also not good. I'm also an introvert, and I only have a few good friends, and then other social acquaintances, but I prefer to spend time on my own and having one-on-one contacts. I also started a small women's bookclub which was a big thing for me as someone with social anxiety.

Are you sure he has no friends at all? Has he actually said that? Maybe he just hasn't mentioned them, or they are online friends. I have read that there is a loneliness epidemic among young men. But you say he seems happy? He's still quite young, so maybe he's still figuring out what he wants in life. It's great that you care about him x

I think there will always be people (my DH for example) who have a need to surround themselves with other people and some people who don’t need anyone. My youngest was just like your nephew but he was never bored or lonely. I think with a lot of the world online it’s becoming more “normal” to not have a huge group.
You sound a lovely auntie x