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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lube?

19 replies

Mugcake · 17/07/2025 12:58

Hi everyone,

I don't have anyone to talk to about this in real life right now so I'm hoping someone an give me a reasonable explanation. Me and DP have been together for a decade, one toddler, we've been talking about having another recently.
However we have only had sex a handful of times since I was pregnant. He says its because he's put on weight and is self conscious.
I bought him a new backpack for his birthday a few months ago, mine has just broken so for the last week or so I've been using his old one.
I've just opened the front pocket and found an empty tube of lube. Its expiry date is 2027 so it's not old (and we dont use it anyway)
I've never been suspicious of him but i cant think of a reason he'd have it??

OP posts:
MiloMinderbinder925 · 17/07/2025 13:00

Chub rub?

Mrsttcno1 · 17/07/2025 13:00

Well there are two reasons he would have it.

1- He uses it himself, which is fine
2- He is using it with someone else, which is not fine

What does he use the backpack for usually?

Itwasachristmasjoke · 17/07/2025 13:01

Can't you just ask him why he's got lube in his bag? I'd assume if it was for use on himself it would surely be at home, why would he need to take it out in a bag?

mindutopia · 17/07/2025 13:05

Lube in the absence of condoms is almost certainly used for solo activity. Unless he’s been somewhere where it’s been handed out (if sample size). I work in sexual health and when we give out condoms for free at events, we generally give them out packaged with lube because if you’re having anal sex, it’s not safe to use condoms without lube (and we can’t assume whether someone is gay or straight, which impacts whether they likely need lube).

Anyway, by itself, I wouldn’t assume anything nefarious. I would assume he used the bag to go away without you and hence the lube.

GroovyChick87 · 17/07/2025 13:08

It's probably for wanking. It does have other skincare uses though. I'd just ask.

Original poster
Mugcake · 17/07/2025 13:12

Mrsttcno1 · 17/07/2025 13:00

Well there are two reasons he would have it.

1- He uses it himself, which is fine
2- He is using it with someone else, which is not fine

What does he use the backpack for usually?

He was using it for everything i.e work/football etc until I bought him the new one. Now he uses the old one for going to football twice a week, he does get back at different times from football, sometimes late, sometimes early. Sometimes he sits in the car for ages afterwards on the phone but always said it was his mum/brother. I've never doubted that before

OP posts:
Original poster
Mugcake · 17/07/2025 13:13

Itwasachristmasjoke · 17/07/2025 13:01

Can't you just ask him why he's got lube in his bag? I'd assume if it was for use on himself it would surely be at home, why would he need to take it out in a bag?

I will ask, but as I said he's away atm and has rubbish signal. Its also not a conversation I want to have while hes camping with his friends and there's zero privacy

OP posts:
Original poster
Mugcake · 17/07/2025 13:14

mindutopia · 17/07/2025 13:05

Lube in the absence of condoms is almost certainly used for solo activity. Unless he’s been somewhere where it’s been handed out (if sample size). I work in sexual health and when we give out condoms for free at events, we generally give them out packaged with lube because if you’re having anal sex, it’s not safe to use condoms without lube (and we can’t assume whether someone is gay or straight, which impacts whether they likely need lube).

Anyway, by itself, I wouldn’t assume anything nefarious. I would assume he used the bag to go away without you and hence the lube.

Thank you, that's reassuring 😊

OP posts:
Ilovegoldies · 17/07/2025 13:15

When you ask him do it face to face. It will be a giveaway.

AnonAnonmystery · 17/07/2025 13:40

I would really get this posted on the relationship board instead of the sex one.

Sera1989 · 17/07/2025 13:44

If it is a silicone lube it could be for chafing/chub rub as suggested. If a bottle I would assume masturbation before an affair because I would assume the woman would bring her own lube unless an affair with a man

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 17/07/2025 13:46

I'm male, I own lube for solo activity. He's far more likely to be needing it for that than cheating purposes.

DemBonesDemBones · 17/07/2025 13:54

How does he style his hair?

MaleficentQueen · 17/07/2025 18:54

Wanking, most likely 🤷🏻‍♀️
You could always ask him, if you’re worried.
I wouldn’t worry about finding lube in my partners possessions, but condoms would be a different story.

SeriouslyStressed · 17/07/2025 21:42

Is he circumcised? If so it could be for masturbation

Original poster
Mugcake · 18/07/2025 08:33

Thanks for the reply all. No he's not circumcised.

I haven't been able to speak to him as his phone is dead but I think it must be for having a wank. Hopefully will get to speak to him today

OP posts:
growgrowinggrown · 18/07/2025 08:44

Why would he be wanking with lube at work/football/gym/where ever his backpack goes?

Surely you do that in the privacy of your home, so stands to reason the lube would be in a bedside drawer?

As for there not being condoms so it must be solo play, cop on. The lube is empty, so all the condoms may have been used up.

However I use lube with my partner all the time and have no need for condoms so not sure why you'd draw that conclusion.

People are stretching to reassure you but this is absolutely suspicious.

Ask him, how he responds will tell you all you need to know.

Shar270 · 18/07/2025 08:51

Why would he be taking lube for a wank to football or work? I'd be checking out his the new bag you bought him personally. He comes back all different times from football and then sits in the car on his phone? If it's his mum and brother he's messaging why doesn't he do it in the house?

This all sounds dodgy as hell to me and I'd be wanting to check his phone to be sure he really is messaging who he says he is.

I definitely wouldn't be speaking to him about it on the phone so he gets a chance to empty his bag and clear his phone while he's away.

I also wouldn't assume that asking him face to face would tell you everything you need to know, men can be extremely good liars and turn it all back on you very easily. I know this for a fact!

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 18/07/2025 09:55

growgrowinggrown · 18/07/2025 08:44

Why would he be wanking with lube at work/football/gym/where ever his backpack goes?

Surely you do that in the privacy of your home, so stands to reason the lube would be in a bedside drawer?

As for there not being condoms so it must be solo play, cop on. The lube is empty, so all the condoms may have been used up.

However I use lube with my partner all the time and have no need for condoms so not sure why you'd draw that conclusion.

People are stretching to reassure you but this is absolutely suspicious.

Ask him, how he responds will tell you all you need to know.

Mine is also kept in a bag, and this thread is making me contemplate moving it as I'm realising what DP would think if she found it.

It's kept there rather than the bedside drawer as mostly, if I want some solo time, it's after DP has gone to bed. So keeping it in the bedroom would involve me having to go into the bedroom, and either risk waking DP up, or if she's still awake, having a quick conversation about how I'm about to go have a wank, which neither of us wants.

Pretty much every other place in the house is somewhere that DD might conceivably go in at some point, so it lives in a bag in our home office that only gets used a few times a year for work trips. It's in there alongside a toy so hopefully DP would put 2 and 2 together, but maybe I should find it a new home

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