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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that trauma is now a status symbol?

91 replies

DearExpert · 16/07/2025 11:39

It used to be something private. Now it’s a badge of honour - the more complex your trauma, the more valid your opinion. It’s like pain is currency in online spaces. And some people are overdrawing.

OP posts:
TeenLifeMum · 16/07/2025 14:10

Getting to the age of 40 without any trauma would be unusual imo. Some people are just very self absorbed that their trauma is worse than everyone else. Often not the people who have actually gone through high levels of trauma.

EmpressOfSoreen · 16/07/2025 14:19

You sound jealous OP. Do you wish that people were paying attention to you instead?

Vdlormp · 16/07/2025 14:20

NegroniMacaroni · 16/07/2025 13:39

From some responses on here it seems people feel the behaviour is attention seeking.

Just don't pay attention? Or are you jealous of the attention?

This.

quicklywick · 16/07/2025 14:20

NegroniMacaroni · 16/07/2025 13:39

From some responses on here it seems people feel the behaviour is attention seeking.

Just don't pay attention? Or are you jealous of the attention?

I have a few significant issues with how people like this behave online one they speak about symptoms that most people have but dont explain although these are normal it has to be a regular occurrence that significantly impacts your life to be even considered for a diagnosis which means we now have a significant amount of people trying to access mental health services who dont actually need to be and making the wait time longer for people who do. The other thing I have an issue with is the wasting of emergency services time just to get a tiktok to post or filming medical staff and other patients. We all know how impressionable young people are and how confusing it is at that age to figure out who you are also adding to that the hormones which significantly impacts emotions. So when you repeatedly have people on social media saying I have and I do this and feel this. Impressionable young people or stupid adults think i do that so I must also have so now im going to make a video about it and then someone else sees it and so on. And with social media it isnt usually 1 person seeing it, its tens of thousands often more.

Vdlormp · 16/07/2025 14:24

vivainsomnia · 16/07/2025 12:45

Please do enlighten us further as to what constitutes trauma versus lack of resilience
It's usually defined by societal considerations. Just like what is considered appropriate to wear in an office, what is acceptable demonstration of affection in public, what is acceptable behaviours in a restaurant etc...

An example for me? A colleague who says she was traumatised by Covid. She was not at risk, not was her direct family. She didn't have any children. She refused to come to the office when it was requested. She made so much more fuss than colleagues who were at risk. I defined it as anxiety that she needed help to work through. She called it trauma.

if she developed anxiety that limited her ability to function as she did before in society as a result of a catastrophic world event, isn’t that what trauma is? Why do you feel the need to insist that it isn’t?

BlackCatGreyWhiskers · 16/07/2025 14:32

@Ella31 I’m so sorry for your loss.

Yours is the sort of trauma that carries lifelong grief that you learn to live with, rather than recover from - I imagine - I don’t want to be seen to speak for you.

I think that’s were the problem lies though - it’s like everyone saying they are a “little” but autistic, it undermines the very really struggles of those with a significant weight to carry.

verycloakanddaggers · 16/07/2025 14:43

DearExpert · 16/07/2025 11:39

It used to be something private. Now it’s a badge of honour - the more complex your trauma, the more valid your opinion. It’s like pain is currency in online spaces. And some people are overdrawing.

Lots of pain used to be private, such as bereavement, pregnancy loss, illness and injury, poverty, abuse.

Why should people hide the truth because you don't like it?

A lot of people have been through painful experiences, it's not new, it's just the truth is less hidden now.

verycloakanddaggers · 16/07/2025 14:46

BlackCatGreyWhiskers · 16/07/2025 14:06

I think the vast majority of trauma is just life. Most people experience trauma throughout their lives and we’ve just rebranded it recently. I think everyone’s trauma and upset is valid, but I do think there’s a tendency to indulge in it now. There’s a balance between validating feelings and working towards recovery and forgiveness and using it as a statement and identity - like you say.

I don't think it's been rebranded, people just say that shit things were shit instead of lying to save the listeners' feelings.

verycloakanddaggers · 16/07/2025 14:57

vivainsomnia · 16/07/2025 12:45

Please do enlighten us further as to what constitutes trauma versus lack of resilience
It's usually defined by societal considerations. Just like what is considered appropriate to wear in an office, what is acceptable demonstration of affection in public, what is acceptable behaviours in a restaurant etc...

An example for me? A colleague who says she was traumatised by Covid. She was not at risk, not was her direct family. She didn't have any children. She refused to come to the office when it was requested. She made so much more fuss than colleagues who were at risk. I defined it as anxiety that she needed help to work through. She called it trauma.

Abrupt disruption to everything in life and extreme worry, as experienced during COVID, is known to cause trauma for some, which manifests differently for different people including e.g. anxiety, depression.

You're just describing that you had a colleague for whom COVID was traumatic.

Everyone understands why COVID was traumatic for some, it's bloody obvious - it was a shock, it was shit, it lasted rather a long time!

EmpressOfSoreen · 16/07/2025 15:11

Vdlormp · 16/07/2025 14:24

if she developed anxiety that limited her ability to function as she did before in society as a result of a catastrophic world event, isn’t that what trauma is? Why do you feel the need to insist that it isn’t?

Yeah I agree with this. I think there's a lot of trauma around covid, a lot of unprocessed emotions - witness the sheer numbers of emotionally dysregulated people careering around having unprovoked social flashpoints with others, since 2020.

Ella31 · 16/07/2025 15:13

SoloCat · 16/07/2025 14:06

I’m sorry @Ella31 ❤️
Life can be awful and if something helps you to deal with the pain, that’s completely understandable.

Thanks, @SoloCat being online also allows me to raise funds and spread awareness for our national stillbirth and neonatal death organisation where I'm from. The same organisation helped us organise the funeral, burial and the cuddle cot so that we could see our boys in a good state for as long as possible. We were so numb I couldn't even pick a coffin I was so shocked plus just after an emergency csection. So I plug that organisation as much as I can for other bereaved parents too

vivainsomnia · 16/07/2025 15:16

if she developed anxiety that limited her ability to function as she did before in society as a result of a catastrophic world event, isn’t that what trauma is? Why do you feel the need to insist that it isn’t?
That catastrophic event impacted other much more than her. So if she suffered trauma, what did these other people who saw their family die, lost their jobs, their home suffered from? Super duper trauma? We all experienced this event. Some suffered from it much more than others. She suffered from some anxiety, and yes in my opinion, mostly due to a very low resilience threshold.

EmpressOfSoreen · 16/07/2025 15:37

Trauma doesn't work like that though. It's not a game of top trumps. An event becomes a trauma event when a person experiences what they perceive as a threat to life and their brain fails to store it as a regular memory, so it keeps on popping up as a real-time event when it shouldn't. It's kind of a mechanical failure, a processing glitch.

What counts as a trauma event doesn't depend on how objectively "bad" the original event was but on the brain's failure to process and the resulting negative experiences and behaviours.

Eg you get folks who have lived through wars and not developed PTSD, but years later they're walking down the street and are first witness to a nasty car accident. They can't get it out of their mind, find themselves on high alert on that particular street, then they start avoiding that street, then they start feeling on edge when they're on their alternative route - could be the alternative street has similar trees, or someone walks past them who looks like a passer-by on the original street, whatever - their stress levels go up, so they avoid that street too, and the next near alternative, and so on, until the area of potential threat has considerably widened as their personal world shrinks. Maybe they ruminate obsessively about road safety, pedestrian safety, seek out stories of road disasters to prove to themselves that the measures they're taking are necessary. Or alternatively perhaps it is just too stressful for them to even think about road accidents, so they avoid talking about driving, then avoid driving, then avoid talking to their friends in case their friends talk about driving ...

That event, although not the worst thing that's happened in their life, and despite them being entirely uninjured, has become a trauma event. Not because of the event itself, but because of how their brain has handled it.

LowDownBoyStandUpGuy · 16/07/2025 15:37

My take on what the OP is saying is that people use the fact they have suffered trauma in whatever form to shut down other people’s opinions. To an extend you can see it on this thread, the OP has an opinion and people have come to say that they have suffered trauma (with the inference that the OP has not) and that she should mind her own business.

If this is the correct interpretation then I agree, almost everyone has suffered trauma to a varying degree, some people are happy to be very open about it and others prefer to keep it to themselves. The assumption that because someone isn’t talking about suffering trauma they therefore have not suffered it and their opinion then holds no weight because ‘I have suffered and am willing to talk about it therefore I am right and you are wrong’.

It happens a lot on MN and other social media. I also agree with pp’s that social media is terrible for this stuff and that those who take the time to set up their tripod and lighting before having their emotional breakdowns indeed are using their trauma for attention and likes.

iwillnotstaycalm · 16/07/2025 16:25

I think there is always a for and against for this - from my perspective, in the past, we haven’t spoken enough about trauma, hence why there is a lot of disfunction in many people’s lives. I believe that trauma is inherited (there is research and evidence to back this up) as well as the actual traumatic events people may go through I.e complex, singular or compounded, however I do also believe that trauma is personal to the individual and doesn’t always need to be spoken about to others if the individual doesn’t feel comfortable hearing about it. Not sure if you have heard of the term ‘floodlighting’ now which is apparently a thing. I think it can be a mutual exchange

Do I agree with people using it as a way of not taking responsibility for their lives ? No but I do think people deserve the outlet to process their trauma and learn and develop from it as individuals.

verycloakanddaggers · 16/07/2025 16:28

vivainsomnia · 16/07/2025 15:16

if she developed anxiety that limited her ability to function as she did before in society as a result of a catastrophic world event, isn’t that what trauma is? Why do you feel the need to insist that it isn’t?
That catastrophic event impacted other much more than her. So if she suffered trauma, what did these other people who saw their family die, lost their jobs, their home suffered from? Super duper trauma? We all experienced this event. Some suffered from it much more than others. She suffered from some anxiety, and yes in my opinion, mostly due to a very low resilience threshold.

I know I should put a gloss on it but what you're saying is pure tosh @vivainsomnia

COVID was a deeply affecting event, and some people were traumatised. That's just known.

There's also no rigid trauma scale, as every context + event + personal equation is unique.

You have no idea WHY this particular person was impacted in this way, so you're simply not qualified to dismiss it. You don't have the knowledge to choose to dismiss a person's response to an event as being due to a 'low resilience threshold' unless you're privy to all previous experiences in a person's life.

vivainsomnia · 16/07/2025 16:42

There's also no rigid trauma scale, as every context + event + personal equation is unique
That's your view. I don't agree. That's the point of this thread. Everyone feeling sorry for themselves and calling things that affect everyone trauma. I call it lack of resilience. Trauma to me is serious abuse, war, starvation etc... not 'poor me my personal equation is unique so I can be traumatised just because I'll hopefully get extra sympathy'.

Call it pure tosh, I call it different opinion!

Boomer55 · 16/07/2025 16:42

DearExpert · 16/07/2025 11:39

It used to be something private. Now it’s a badge of honour - the more complex your trauma, the more valid your opinion. It’s like pain is currency in online spaces. And some people are overdrawing.

Yeah it’s the new “look at me” syndrome🙄

Balloonhearts · 16/07/2025 16:44

That logic just results in a game of top trumps though. Someone will always have it worse than you. It doesn't mean your experience is any easier for you to deal with. Apply that logic to any other traumatic event.

I was sexually abused at 9. Should I not be traumatised by that, because some children were kidnapped at 5, gang raped and trafficked?

Or perhaps I just lack resilience since it was someone I knew and not as scary as being kidnapped. Do you see how silly that logic is? Just because someone somewhere has been through worse, doesn't make anyone else's experience less valid.

Lovesacake · 16/07/2025 17:01

My friend told me today that she feels traumatised because her boss told her she isn’t impressed with her work output. Genuinely. A ten minute unpleasant conversation at work has left her feeling traumatised. She’s making a doctors appointment as we speak because she needs medical assistance to get through this trauma.
i love her but i do agree that some people are overly keen to badge a bad day as being trauma!

vivainsomnia · 16/07/2025 17:04

Or perhaps I just lack resilience since it was someone I knew and not as scary as being kidnapped. Do you see how silly that logic is? Just because someone somewhere has been through worse, doesn't make anyone else's experience less valid
Yes, but that logic also means that the meaning of the word as it was intended also loses it's definition. If I say I felt traumatised because Asda ran out of my favourite pizza, Should I be entitled to the same attention, flexibility and resources than someone who has been raped because I've decided my trauma is as valid?

Susie387 · 16/07/2025 17:47

I would rather trauma was talked about too much than not enough. Everybody talking about it whether they've truly experienced it or not hopefully means that it is easier for those who have suffered to come forward. If someone is that desperate for attention that they would make up trauma then I'd suggest they probably do need help anyway.

I feel the same about people saying 'I'm a bit OCD' or 'I think I'm a bit autistic' - the more people talk about it (especially on places like here) the more they can hopefully learn about it and either seek a diagnosis or realise they're within the bounds of 'normal'.

user1471516498 · 16/07/2025 17:51

I have diagnosed PTSD but I wouldn't dream of discussing my problems with other people. Talking about trauma equates to attention seeking in my mind. It won't change the situation, it will just make me feel better at somebody elses expense
Most people have their own lives to lead, and don't want to hear about my shit. Yes, I do have friends, but being honest, if I started banging on about my shit too much, they wouldn't stay friends for long. People say they see me as a survivor, so I make sure to show people what they want to see.
I do think that PTSD can be a lonely condition because you try so hard to act like a survivor and then you feel like a fake because everyone thinks you are resilient but they don't see you fall apart behind closed doors. But I would be more lonely if I trauma dumped on people and alienated them.

Susie387 · 16/07/2025 17:51

vivainsomnia · 16/07/2025 17:04

Or perhaps I just lack resilience since it was someone I knew and not as scary as being kidnapped. Do you see how silly that logic is? Just because someone somewhere has been through worse, doesn't make anyone else's experience less valid
Yes, but that logic also means that the meaning of the word as it was intended also loses it's definition. If I say I felt traumatised because Asda ran out of my favourite pizza, Should I be entitled to the same attention, flexibility and resources than someone who has been raped because I've decided my trauma is as valid?

You example is ludicrous, no one goes to doctor to seek help because Asda ran out of their favourite pizza. No one asks for time off work or to work from home because Asda was out of their favourite pizza. Resources are not going to be given to that person so it's a non starter.

Come up with a proper example or your argument just doesn't stand up.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 16/07/2025 17:56

Rubyshoes12 · 16/07/2025 12:10

I guess I do disagree with you. I think people are seeing others open up about their trauma and most post online about it to show awareness and share their story.

Trauma is also really subjective. Someone can find something traumatic but it might not be as “bad” as someone else’s. It doesn’t make it less valid.

I agree with @Rubyshoes12, @DearExpert - and I would add that hiding trauma, never getting to talk about it, burying it, does not make trauma go away - it often makes it cause more damage both to the person concerned and to people around them.

I have depression caused by bullying during my school years - I was having suicidal thoughts at age 14 - and it has left life long scars and issues. I am open about what happened to me, and the damage it has caused because I believe it is vital that we do talk about things like this. You eliminate darkness by shining a light on it, not by concealing it and ignoring it.