Husband afraid of DIY

[Bloozie]

My Dad is a builder and my ex was too, so I've been around men who are handy all my life. I'm not very handy myself because I lack confidence, but I understand enough of the landscape to know when we need to get a trade in, or when we can do it ourselves.

My husband is a polymath, one of the most intelligent people I know, can learn and do anything he puts his mind to, but has always rented properties before we met and so had a landlord maintaining things for him.

I am the main earner in the house and work more than full time, he works between 2.5 and 4 days a week. I take responsibility for the house and garden, and my son from a previous marriage, and all the animals. He cooks twice a week and does the laundry. We have a cleaner.

All this is context for a real bone of contention between us at the moment. He won't get involved in home maintenance. On any level.

We had a leak in the upstairs bathroom recently that took the power out in the room beneath it. Once the leak had been sorted by a plumber and the room below had been dried out with a dehumidifier, I asked him to find an electrician to come and get the power back online. This was during a period when I was making redundancies at work, it was hideous and very stressful. My husband just didn't. I kept asking and he kept saying the room needs to dry, and I was like, it is dry. I've had the dehumidifier on, you can feel it's dry, it needs looking at. Weeks went by and I ended up sorting it myself.

Our washing machine stank and was full of mould. I asked him to empty the filter and clean it out when he had a minute, he said it wasn't that, there's something wrong with the pipes, we need to get a man in. I said we can't a man in until we've gone through basic maintenance. He lost his temper and said that his mum 'never once cleaned her washing machine filter', that's not a thing, it's not for homeowners to do. I pointed out that we're meant to do it every 2 months. He said that just isn't true. I cleared the filter myself, got all the mould out, nothing smells now.

Our dishwasher recently started not cleaning things properly. I googled and it said to clean the filter and spray arm as first action. I asked him to do that. He said he has no idea how, he's not a dishwasher repairman. I said that Google is his friend. He said he doesn't know the model. I said it's on the sticker. Long story short, it stopped draining completely because he did nothing. I googled for a plan of attack; he was adamant we needed a repairman. The outlet hose just needed clearing. I did it. These solutions are easy to find online.

And now we having the bathroom and windows replaced. I am fine that I have had to co-ordinate it all, line up all the trades, whatever. I AM better placed to do that. I do know more than him. Fine. But the builder is in today and I have a busy day on and we need some materials that I'd told the builder we already had, but we don't. So I just asked my husband if he'd go to the builder's yard to get some blocks and he had another meltdown. He hates going there, hates the feeling that they know more than he does...

I don't mind at all that he can't build a house himself. But he can teach himself anything when he wants to, and has said many times he finds DIY boring and it's not something he's interested in doing.

Me either. I had zero interest in how dishwashers work, washing machine filters, electricians... None. I don't figure out how things work because it's my life passion, nor do I go into technical detail. I just look online for 2-minute YouTube explainers and if it's simple, do it, and if it's hard, ring someone. Like a normal fucking adult.

It's really starting to make me cross. I'm not his landlord or his mother, and every damn thing in this house is my responsibility. Fine. But I can't even delegate simple things, and his reaction to requests is strange and OTT. He panics and gets defensive and then turns it around on me: normal people get repairmen in. Not to clean the bastard dishwasher filter they don't. If he's worried about being emasculated and embarrassed by people that know more than him, THAT would be more embarrassing. Getting the Hotpoint man out to empty sweetcorn.

He thinks I'm being really unreasonable and says there are other things he's suited to doing. But I'm at a loss to figure out what, because it isn't gardening, decorating, sorting cupboards out that need sorting, helping his stepson...

This is making me mad.

We draw the line where it’s either something we can’t do ourselves or that a professional would do better. Cleaning a filter isn’t really DIY, is it?

Maybe you should learn how to do it then if it's so easy? And he takes something else off your chore list. I would never get my ex to do anything much, or attempt anything much myself, because we are both shit at it. Work harder to pay someone else to do it has always been my approach. It seems like you want it both ways though - you don't want to do it yourself because it's hard/hassle/you don't like it, but he isn't allowed to not want to do it himself either because it's ... hard/hassle/he doesn't like it.

He's got it sweet hasn't he - part time work, and minimal domestic drudgery. He says women see small things 🙄 but that doesn't explain his refusal to do low level maintenance or go and pick stuff up from the builders yard. And if he were truly able to see the "bigger picture", like he alleges he is hardwired to do, he'd see how imbalanced the current setup is. I suspect his vision is awfully selective too.

Sorry I have just read your updates. This isn't about DIY. You don't respect him, you odn't like him, he doesn't contribute to your life... Big Chat time.

Why don’t you care that this lazy man is only working part-time and earning a part-time wage?

You’re doing absolutely everything!!

Does it sound like he's "afraid of diy", it sounds like he refuses to engage with keeping the household going and gets belligerent when you ask him to, because he doesn't find it interesting. He sounds like a right prat!

They don't make men like they used to! My dad would fix anything... admittedly sometimes quite badly... but he has tins of screws and pots of glue and tools and little blocks with sandpaper wrapped round...

DP has an iPhone.

My ExH was like this. He claimed to not understand clingfilm. Unblocking a dishwasher would have resulted in an epic tantrum. Don't even get me started on how many hours I put into the house renovation with DTs under 2 because he 'couldn't handle' painting. This kind of learned incompetence is ridiculous.

It was exhausting, and like having 3 children not 2. Why are you compromising and accepting it? Is it something that has come on gradually, or has he always been like this?

My life is so much richer for getting divorced. At least now all the decisions are mine. I wasn't born knowing how to change a fuse or descale a kettle or deal with a kitchen leak or wallpaper a room, I learned how to do it (like you, OP, my dad is pretty handy and taught me lots).

This isn't about DIY. It's about respect and effort. Love is an action, and he's not actioning it.

It was my teenage children who showed me how to use YouTube to change the element in the oven, the broken catch on the dishwasher door, the flush on the loo.

You chose a dud, unfortunately. He doesn’t want to be your partner and equal. He doesn’t want to pull his weight. He wants you to be mummy. His entire outlook on life is geared towards getting away with whatever he can and making himself comfortable. This is why he’s delighted to work only a few days a week and take advantage of you and your income.

You said that you also want free time, but you have to realise that he’s happy to take all of the free time for himself and leave you with none. He doesn’t care about you being tired or burnt out, he only cares that he’s comfortable and getting what he wants. You are a means to an end for him.

The fact that he’s convinced you that him being worthless and workshy is admirable and his laziness is because he used to rent means that he’s done an absolute number on you.

PS, he’s not a “polymath” (is that what he calls himself?) and he’s not particularly intelligent. He’s just manipulative and those excuses have worked for him in the past. One of my brothers uses this exact spiel.

My DH gets really stressed about it but he does have a go and I know he tries his best. He blames his dad! When they were growing up his dad could turn his hand to anything and he rarely let DH or his brother (very intelligent also lacking in DIY skills) help. On the few occasions they did it wasn't good enough. I genuinely think it damaged their confidence in this area.

They never did make men all the same. My dad was born in 1916 - least practical man on God’s earth. He couldn’t even cut the hedge without slicing the cable.

He does do almost all the laundry and places the order for the online food shop, and puts it away.

His responsibilities are cooking 2 nights a week, the laundry, the online food shop, feeding the dogs at night, paying the home insurance and broadband bills, and booking one of the dogs into the groomers and taking her. When I say responsibility, I mean they are things he takes on autonomously that I don't have to think about.

He will help, if asked, with things like taking the animals to the vets, or feeding the cats and dogs at other times, or running my son about.

It's not like he does nothing.

My son mows the lawn, takes the bins out, cooks one night a week and will do special annual tasks for me like treat garden furniture, steam clean the sofa or paint the decking - which my husband would complain about if asked. My son complains too, but gets on.

I am responsible for running a business/managing 17 people, everything to do with my son (understandable), everything to do with the animals, and everything in the house and garden, including paying the bills. I do the 'extra' laundry - making sure our bath towels and the dog towels get washed, the animal beds, the rugs. If something breaks, I replace it. If we run out of ibuprofen or whatever, I sort it. I sort the holidays, decorating, order the logs... If a cupboard has become a complete shithole, I clear it.

I don't know. Maybe it's more balanced than I think. Maybe I'm just furious about dishwashers.

My husband and I met when he was in his 40s. As I said, he'd always rented and while his flat was really nice and homely and clean, it was a single man's pad. All the essentials covered. He's moved into a family home with me that has two gardens and is up and running, and I expect it IS a culture shock, going from being a tenant to a homeowner. There's a lot of stuff that goes into a family home that he has never had to consider.

But we've been together for ten years and that's plenty of time to get up to speed.

I don't have very high standards of cleanliness, once a room is decorated that's it and done for me for a decade if I can get away with it, I'm not really into gardens so a gardener weeds it once a month for me, my son mows it and I just keep on top of things... It's not like I'm a martyr to the house.

I read your thread title and was ready to read something saying 'my dad and exes and brothers are all great at DIY as men should be, but my husband is useless', but that's not what you're saying at all.

Your husband sounds a bit useless-won't work full time, won't speak to people on the phone, won't do any basic sort of problem-solving!

When it comes to things like ringing electricians and doing basic dishwasher maintenance, it isn't that I don't want to do it because it's hard/hassle/ I don't like it. It's because I run a business and he works between 2.5 and 4 days a week. I don't ask him to do anything he is incapable of doing - or rather, anything you'd expect another adult with decent cognitive ability to be able to do. I don't expect myself to do those things either.

But I do learn how to do things. I myself had no idea how to unclog a blocked dishwasher pipe. A quick google told me.

There's a difference between not having the knowledge and being downright unwilling which is what your DH is.

Why you've not chewed him to pieces over it amazes me. Does he also think that someone else can do it because you can afford it?

The thing is, doing the laundry should also include the light maintenance that goes with that, maintenance wash, cleaning the drawers etc. The same way if you do the vacuuming, you have to empty it every so often.

My husband is in a trade, and he's better at diy, but it doesn't render me incapable of cleaning the crap out of the dishwasher filter etc.

You just made me feel really good about my home DIY skill set.What your husband is refusing to do is more general household chores .
So no wonder you are fed up, unless you're really wealthy and have servants to do these things everyone needs to know how to do them.

I just don’t understand why he doesn’t work full time?

No you haven't understood correctly.

None of this is even DIY. Part of adulting is sometimes doing shitty tasks around the house.

Having been around a lot of immensely high-IQ people for quite a while, I have observed that this kind of academic intelligence often has no connection whatsoever to common sense or the day-to-day intelligence needed for everyday life. If he earns lots from whatever he does, and can pay handypeople, that's fine. If doing that means you're scrimping on other stuff, it isn't. I'd go mad.

Doesn't sound like he contributes much to your life, financially or otherwise

Your title is misleading, he's just a lazy bastard who doesn't like any sort of manual labour.

Most of us don't enjoy manual labour much, but he doesn't get to avoid it at your expense. I couldn't be arsed with this sort of lazy, selfish man around at all.

So it is OK for you to hate/not do DIY because you are a woman but you think that your husband, simply because he is a man, should automatically be able and willing to do DIY?

What a bizarre 'logic'...