Impossible situation

[Travelfairy]

Posting here for traffic.

Not really an AIBU, more what would you do in this impossible situation?

Deceased Dad had a love child, who is now an adult. I became aware of this accidentally about 14 years ago. She reached out via letter shortly after my Dad's death asking to open contact (no previous contact at all, just knew she existed and a first name). Letter went to Mums house, she did show me but then destroyed the letter.

Mother and sister strongly opposed to any contact whatsoever and its implied I would be a traitor if I made contact...I'm struggling with this but dont want to hurt my Mum any further.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and how the hell did it pan out? Its like the final taboo. No one knows about her, none of my Dad's family, none of my friends. I have no one to talk to about it.

I would give her a chance. She’s innocent in the situation x

What benefit will you have from meeting her? Did she know your dad at all?

This sounds like a very difficult situation and I’m sorry for your loss.

Ultimately I think that adults form (and stop) their own relationships on their own terms. If you feel like you want to meet with this lady then do.

Be honest with your family about it and do not expect them to come around or agree. And be prepared for perspectives or histories you didn’t expect or which you find challenging. I would wonder about the motivation and timing of the author of the letter, and in particular if a challenge to the will might be a factor. I’d also be clear about your wishes for contact and hopes thereafter.

She wants contact, yes she knew him and had contact for about half her life.

She’s your sister. End of.

Yes the Will was a factor i was considering. Everything was left to my Mum.
Thanks for your reply, its helpful to me

That's my thinking.....my Mother and sister do not share this view

I know and yet I'm having to pretend she doesn't exist.

If I found out I had a half sibling, I would make contact, to see if we get along. I'd love to have another sibling in my life. I wouldn't base my decision on whatever messy relationship my parents had.

It’s not your fault that your dad cheated. She’s the innocent party in this, as are you.

I guess the question is do you have to tell your mum and sister that you’ve had contact?

Im the result of an affair that my birth mother was having with a married man. I was adopted at 6wks in 1969 but did look for her and have contact and met Birth mum just before she died in 2014.

I have at least 3 older half sisters, no idea if they are aware of my existence. I would love to have met them but cant see it ever happening as even though I know my Birth fathers name its so common it would be almost impossible to do.

If you want to be in contact with your sister then you should. She didn't ask to be born and in this situation and she has lost her dad too.

You owe the half sibling absolutely precisely NOTHING. However, it depends what you want. If YOU want to meet her, do so. Your mother and sister don't get to decide that for you. If YOU don't want to, do not do so. It is 100 percent your own decision.

Just remember she might be jealous of you and have a very different viewpoint of your father and your circumstances than you do. It might be ok, it might be ugly, it might be great. If YOU decide to meet her, try not to have high expectations and don't promise her anything at all until you have had time to go away and think about it all.

And definitely don't tell them prior to the meeting, they'll only try to guilt trip you, if you've made up your mind then just do it. Do tell them afterwards, and briefly, and don't let them talk down to you about it either. In this case it is far better to ask forgiveness than permission.

Tbh I would be concerned that she was wanting money/inheritance. Like why get in touch quickly following his death? She could have contacted you before he died, just like you could have contacted her but chose not to…

I do feel sorry for her as she was essentially an outcast, but that doesn’t mean I would automatically trust her intentions as a result. Family emotions are complex - she might not even know how she truly feels about everything, she might be sad, might be happy, might be resentful. She won’t know until she spends time with you. But ultimately you had something she will never have (relationship with your dad throughout your life), so I wouldn’t assume it would be an easy or loving sisterly relationship. I’d be cautious.

I’d also probably only want to start with light contact eg social media friends with restrictions, as opposed to straight meeting up.

She's your sister - wanting to know more about her family is really no different to adopted children seeking out their birth families from curiosity.
Presumably she is either an only child, or has half siblings who she views as - well her siblings. She may not view you differently to her other half siblings, or as an only child would like to explore a sibling relationship.
I think jumping to the conclusion that she is seeking financial inheritance is far fetched - presumably your father's estate went to your Mother.

Meet her - let your own family know if you want to, you're an adult and they can't dictate who you see, but equally don't rub their noses in it, particularly if an ongoing relationship forms.

Hope it goes well.

And yeah, as well as you owing her absolutely NOTHING not a single second of your time, and this possibly ending up a bit of a shit show for you, as someone else pointed out she might be after money.

If you do choose to do this, promise her absolutely nothing and be aware that plenty of people have ulterior motives and it's in no way weird or unfair to be on the look out for them.

She might be nice, she might be awful, she might be genuine, she might be jealous, she might want a relationship with you, she might want something from you. And there is absolutely no way to know or guess her intentions until you go and meet her if you choose to do so.

In an ideal world you’d be able to contact her and have a relationship without it impacting your relationship with your mother and sister. In this world, however, pursuing a relationship with her is likely to damage your relationships with your mother and sister. You can’t have exactly what you want in this situation, so you’ll have to weigh up what is most important to you, and whether or not you’re prepared to deal with whatever consequences that will result from the choice you make.

I would personally not pursue this and risk the relationships I have with people I love for a stranger (and she is a stranger), but I’m not you, and only you can decide this for yourself.

Financial gain is not far fetched, inheritance brings out the worst in people and has split close relatives before. Let alone relatives with no existing relationship!

Outside of that, OP is in the better position vs the sister. It would be tough growing up rejected by your father. OP might therefore unknowingly cause pain or offence to the sister. She had no relationship with her father but might hear that same man was a great father to OP. There will be an element of comparison that might be hard to move past.

Thanks for all the responses, its giving me food for thought.
To answer a couple of questions
I didnt have a brilliant relationship with my Dad, I had the best one possible and better than my sister or mum but he could be difficult. My secret sister seemed to see him up until about the age of 10. He was sick then for many years before his death.

Re the money, yes thats what my Mum kept saying at the time although I was told by a solicitor that its all been left to my Mum so she hasn't any claim really but I have my doubts on that.

I wouldn't want to jump to meeting her but maybe open minimum contact through a solicitor (it was through a solicitor that she made initial contact). She has a health condition and wanted to know if a family history of same which I felt we owed her at least....

Did your mum learn about the affair while your dad was still alive? If so, did she stay with him?

She found out at the time but no she didnt leave him which is a mystery to me!! He worked away alot and they essentially lived separate lives but she supported him through his illness.

He didnt stay with the mother of his daughter and had limited contact over the years from what I can tell, some financial support, that seems to be it really

Why do you want to see her? Obligation, curiosity, compunction that no one has replied? I think that if you do decide to see her, you should, as a pp said, be prepared for it being potentially an upsetting, ambivalent or strange encounter that might have unexpected emotional repercussions for you, both in terms of your own feelings and your relationship with the rest of your family.

Why so averse to meeting? I am that woman, my biological family treated me with courtesy and then acceptance. No drama has unfolded.

Surely any claim to the money isn't dependent on whether you meet her or not? So she could challenge the will anyway?

I'd make contact but not tell your mum and sister. You're an adult (presumably) with free will. They might not like it, but it's not up to them, if you want to see her.

@AbzMozsurely the timing is the fact the father is dead so that releases her to now seek out her siblings? They knew she existed but did she know they did? Maybe he told her never to contact the family.
As for the will, you say it’s all been left to your mother so there is no claim. If it had said ‘to my children (and normally it would name them but sometimes not) I leave X’ then she would (and as they knew this woman existed the executors are obliged to contact her).
A friend of mine was contacted by two women after THEIR mother died as they discovered her existence while going through old paperwork. Their mother had my friend as a teenager and put her up for adoption. Different circumstances I know but they are very happy to have discovered each other
even though all felt conflicted and troubled about the discovery at the time. For my friend she found her only blood relatives.
I don’t know why everyone seems to be jumping on the ‘she’s after money’ and assuming this woman has no good reason to get in contact. Maybe she simply wants to connect with her (only?) surviving family now that the impediment of the father has been removed.

In that case I don't see how she can claim you have any moral obligation not to contact your half-sister, if you want to.