Impossible situation

[Travelfairy]

Posting here for traffic.

Not really an AIBU, more what would you do in this impossible situation?

Deceased Dad had a love child, who is now an adult. I became aware of this accidentally about 14 years ago. She reached out via letter shortly after my Dad's death asking to open contact (no previous contact at all, just knew she existed and a first name). Letter went to Mums house, she did show me but then destroyed the letter.

Mother and sister strongly opposed to any contact whatsoever and its implied I would be a traitor if I made contact...I'm struggling with this but dont want to hurt my Mum any further.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and how the hell did it pan out? Its like the final taboo. No one knows about her, none of my Dad's family, none of my friends. I have no one to talk to about it.

Yes you are correct, she sent this letter almost 4 years ago. My Mother destroyed it. She hasn't followed up on it since. Also while she is an adult she is very young, early 20's so thats why she wouldn't have contacted earlier as would have been under 18.

I am not necessarily thinking of meeting her, not initially anyway. More to maybe open contact via solicitor. I couldnt even open social media contact as my sister stalks my page and would know that from day 1. In saying all this my sister could have already made contact behind my back despite her protestations to the contrary. She is a compulsive liar but thats for another thread 😬
Ultimately I feel my half sister is innocent in all of this. She has no family other than her Mum.

Thanks for your reply. Yes thats kind of how I view it

Similar situation in my family, half sibling's existence only discovered after death of both parents of my immediate relative. Contact was established pretty much immediately and everyone has a great relationship with each other (it's been decades) and enjoys having that family connection and blood relatives they otherwise wouldn't have had. No unpleasantness about money or anything has ever occurred. If you want to reach out, I'd say go for it. It sounds like she has a valid reason for reaching out, and to be honest it'd be common courtesy to respond. She's innocent in all this.

Im sorry for all of your losses, but I think your mum and sister are being a bit mean to give you this it’s our side or hers mentality

I had a very similar experience and am very happy to be in contact with my half sisters.

She didn’t create the situation and whatever way you look at it, she is your sister. Dont waste time, reach out.

If you want to meet I'd just meet up on the quiet and say bugger all about it to anyone

You might like her you might have no interest in continued contact

I'm thinking I am going to have to do this. I am a very open and honest person. My Mum & sister are not. They are evasive about trivial things such as where they bought a top they are wearing for example. I think if I do it I am going to have to keep it to myself. I had thought about doing it when my Mum passes away so as not to hurt her but sure shes only early 70's, she could live another 20 plus years! I could die before her!

You are an adult and she is your half sister. It's up to you. No-one should make you feel bad for seeing this person if you'd like to and they would be wrong to give you an ultimatum over it.

It's very very sensible and good that you are not rushing into meeting her. Yes, she may want money from you. Yes, she may be bitter, jealous or just a nasty person. She may also be nice, but needy. It might end up meaning not much at all. Or it might work out. All of these are equally possible as you know literally nothing at all about her character.

Do this only if YOU WANT TO. You owe her absolutely nothing. Not a single moment of your time.

You will definitely upset your mother and sister. No question at all. So don't tell them if you decide to go, but do tell them afterwards in a straightforward fashion. They will still be upset with you, don't let them turn it into an argument.

If YOU decide to do this, you need to bear all these realities in mind. It's not a made for TV movie and anyone asking "oooh but why wouldn't you?" is either dumb as a bag of hammers or incredibly naive.

You're an open and honest person so you plan to lie to them about it? Well, ok then.

I mean, not saying don't lie about it if that suits you, but maybe don't judge them for being evasive if you are planning to lie to them for the rest of their lives.

I would crack on.

They arent being reasonable and you have one life.

It's a difficult situation. I'm another one on the other side of this and often wonder about contacting my fathers side of the family who I have never met. Like this thread shows I worry they will think I have ulterior motives so I probably won't bother. It's a shame though as I'm sure we are both pieces in a puzzle that could help each other to know. Personally I'd love to have a face to face meeting with them to see if we're similar and chat about our lives but I'm not sure I'd want longer term contact. It's a bit like an online date, sometimes it's better to just meet in person somewhere public and see how you get on than have a lot of social media interaction and then find you can't stand each other in person. Remember she'll have the same doubts as you. Deep down I fear that the family of a man who had a baby and then abandoned them might also be horrible people, and therefore I am also half of that too and perhaps it would be better not to find that out. Of course in most cases it's nothing like that and the family are totally different but she'll have that worry too as much as you worry about her. Particularly if her letter has been ignored for 4 years. To cope with that she may have hardened herself to the thought that you're all similarly uncaring people and won't appreciate the contact now.

No I'm not planning to lie, thats the whole part i have struggled with for the past 4 years. I feel incapable of lying.
My mother & sister are very similar, they seem to love keeping things from people. I have a different personality but I do feel that if I meet her or open contact I will at some point have to tell them.

That's what I am thinking. I dont want to put it off forever.

Ah, I misunderstood, apologies.

You make some really good points and its very beneficial to hear the other side. I did say to my Mum i dont agree with how it was handled. She just sort of shut me down. She's not the open conversation type. She just said she has 'nothing to do with us' and that she was cheeky to seek out contact so soon after his death. I dont think it was cheeky at all! Its how you would expect someone to react.

My kids are tween & teenager, they know nothing of her existence which also makes me feel sad & uneasy. I am not prepared to conceal this forever

Your mother was horrifically and brutally betrayed by your father. Cheating is horribly abusive and she has obviously never recovered from that abuse. That is not your half sibling's fault, but it is certainly not your mother's.

So don't blame your mother for this, or your sister who obviously empathises with her.

This is entirely 100 percent the fault of your now dead father.

You make some really good points and its very beneficial to hear the other side. I did say to my Mum i dont agree with how it was handled. She just sort of shut me down. She's not the open conversation type. She just said she has 'nothing to do with us' and that she was cheeky to seek out contact so soon after his death. I dont think it was cheeky at all! Its how you would expect someone to react.

My kids are tween & teenager, they know nothing of her existence which also makes me feel sad & uneasy. I am not prepared to conceal this forever 💔

You make some really good points and its very beneficial to hear the other side. I did say to my Mum i dont agree with how it was handled. She just sort of shut me down. She's not the open conversation type. She just said she has 'nothing to do with us' and that she was cheeky to seek out contact so soon after his death. I dont think it was cheeky at all! Its how you would expect someone to react.

My kids are tween & teenager, they know nothing of her existence which also makes me feel sad & uneasy. I am not prepared to conceal this forever 💔

I of course empathise with my Mother and when i discovered (in a horrible way) that my half sister existed I confronted my Dad and said all of this. He said he took full responsibility and that no one was at fault other than him including the 'other woman'. I just feel for my half sister that she was somewhat abandoned by my Dad and now ignored/abandoned again by her siblings. I wish the letter had not gone to my Mums house. My sister and I are in our 40's....my Mother really shouldn't be making the decision on this.

Would you be prepared to lose your relationship with your mother and sister as a result of pursuing contact with a stranger? Yes, she is your half sister, but she is also a stranger.

Reasonable or not, they feel strongly about this, and you would be setting off a proverbial bomb in your relationships with them. Quite possibly the relationships between them and your children too.

I have an older brother through Dad I’d love to meet and was raised being told about, I’m the love child out the 4 of us. My kids have 2 little sisters to different mums I would never discourage them having a relationship, they’re siblings. I even asked the littlest ones mum to allow my kids contact when she stopped their Dad having any and told her about my older brother. It’s horrid to know there’s someone you share DNA and possibly traits with you could walk right on by. In my opinion too many ppl punish the children for the behaviour of the parents, it’s not fair nobody asks to be born or is lesser than due to the circumstances around it

She looking for a share in the will?

Sounds like your mum and sister both think she is guilty by association and they think she is just as guilty as your dad for the “hurt”, for existing.

I think both she and your mum need to get a grip and stop viewing her with such hatred. Your sister doesn’t have to form a relationship with her, but she and your mum should both have the emotional intelligence to understand that this young woman didn’t hurt your mum and doesn’t deserve to be viewed as a taboo. Therefore they should be fine with you making your own choice to want to meet her instead of calling it a betrayal. They both sound really pathetic and need a new hobby rather exhausting themselves out dwelling on your dad’s historical affair.