Impossible situation

[Travelfairy]

Posting here for traffic.

Not really an AIBU, more what would you do in this impossible situation?

Deceased Dad had a love child, who is now an adult. I became aware of this accidentally about 14 years ago. She reached out via letter shortly after my Dad's death asking to open contact (no previous contact at all, just knew she existed and a first name). Letter went to Mums house, she did show me but then destroyed the letter.

Mother and sister strongly opposed to any contact whatsoever and its implied I would be a traitor if I made contact...I'm struggling with this but dont want to hurt my Mum any further.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and how the hell did it pan out? Its like the final taboo. No one knows about her, none of my Dad's family, none of my friends. I have no one to talk to about it.

I’m genuinely shocked so many people are so suspicious and nasty about this unknown woman - the idea she is after money is kind of crazy given that is just not how wills work - if she’s was entitled to money as a child under the will she would already have it. If she’s wanted to challenge the will she would have to have to do so within the statutory periods but adult children have almost no rights unless they are highly dependent beforehand on their parent. Much more likely she’d like to have a relationship with part of her family - which is lovely and appropriate. I’d welcome her with open arms. I have two half siblings - their mother was abusive to my and my full siblings but we have a good relationship who as adults and I love them. Children aren’t responsible for their parents actions

I’ve not been through this - but one day a young woman came into my office. I said she looked so familiar and asked if she was related to a certain person I knew.

Turns out she did - she was the half sister of a someone I knew. The resemblance was uncanny. She told me her dad had an affair and she was the result of that affair.

She told me she moved to our city to track down her family. She said her brothers welcomed her into the family with open arms. There was no drama - just love.

You should consider meeting up with your half sister. You can decide afterwards if you want nothing to do with her.

Similar though not identical: my maternal grandfather had a child from his first marriage which ended when his wife had an affair. He met my maternal grandmother during the 2nd world war.

By this time, his first wife had died (she died young), and when grandad remarried he asked if his son could join him but was told the son was very settled with his maternal grandparents.

When mum was in her teens, she arrived on the train from her summer holidays, due to be met by her father. She found him talking to a young man in his 20s - it turned out to be her elder half-brother who had somehow recognised and approached her father at the station.

By then, Uncle Jim was married with a first child on the way. Once the connection had been re-established, he was completely reabsorbed into the family. We had no idea of the backstory until our mum told as adults, in the context of how exciting it had been to discover a mystery elder brother.

You only have six months to bring an Inheritance Act claim from date of grant of probate and an adult child would only be successful if they were being financially maintained prior to death. It seems unlikely that she will do anything in relation to the will. Morally, if I were your mum, I’d give her something. It’s not her fault that your dad went round having affairs and fathering children. She’s probably had a difficult life knowing that he had a “real” family that didn’t include her.

I’m on the other side of this as well, I would be the half sister you’ve not seen. She was respectful enough to give contact through a solicitor. I would reach out by the solicitor and perhaps see where it goes from there, but yes, you certainly should be able to clarify medical information that might help her. If you want more contact then see where it goes she also might not want more contact. However, I’d give it a go and then you certainly don’t need to tell your sister and mum, this is about your relationship with her, not them.

I’d not want anything to do with her. Of course, she’s not to blame, and you can be in contact, but your mother and sister are perfectly within their rights not to want any contact.

What do you think would come of contact?

Agreed

Honestly I'm really surprised by the number of people who are saying oh she's after inheritance like its a bad thing. If OPs dad had died and split his inheritance with his children then surely being his biological child she would be entitled to her cut (and I am aware this is not the case here as the spouse has all inheritance). Let's face it SHE didn't make her dad cheat and produce her.

All my Dad left my Mum was mortgage arrears and a whole financial mess tbh. There is nothing to 'give' even if she wanted to. I help her out financially with groceries etc as she was only barely able to hold onto the house after a repossession order was granted. After years of negotiating she has managed to hold on to it.

I know this sounds really horrible but I think I would be with your mum and sister. I’m not saying they’re right just that’s what I’d do. I have a sister I love dearly, if some other sister came along I wouldn’t want to know them. I have a sister I don’t want someone else trying to get in on that (god that sounds awful and selfish) but my sister has said she would love another sibling. However, if she wanted a relationship with them I wouldn’t stop her that would be unfair and you shouldn’t try to control other peoples lives.

I don't have any experience of this but if I were in this situation, I would definitely meet up with my half-sibling and establish contact, without informing my Mum and Sister. If, after meeting them, I wanted to continue, then, and only then, would I let my Mum and Sister know.

Your half-sibling is the innocent in all this. She maybe the most lovely person or a complete nightmare but you will never know if you don't make contact. Persoanlly, I am far too curious a person not to meet up.

Well then it’s highly unlikely there’s going to be any challenge of any will isn’t there? In previous posts you said your considered that she was doing it because of the will and that “everything” and “all of it” had gone to your mum and that your mum thought she was motivated by money. All of what? It sounds like there wasn’t anything and that your dad has been dead for four years anyway. Not sure why you’d be concerned about financial motives given all that.

No I'm not concerned at all about this. My Mum was. There is nothing as in cash savings, investments etc but there is the family home which is worth quite a bit (she nearly lost this trying to sort other debts).

This has never been a factor in my decision. I dont think its financially motivated.

I am also a very curious person and I dont think I can go rest of my life or another large part of my life nor knowing.

I completely get this point of view. My sister isn't close to me despite my best efforts! She has some issues, likes to jump from friend to friend, she can be quite difficult. However I would still never want to hurt her and certainly not replace her!

My half sister (i hate using the phrase half but only way to distinguish on here) is 20 years younger than me so its not like we will have lots in common. I think thats another reason why I feel protective, she is so young compared to me. I think I am going to reach out. Just need to figure out a way...

I can understand your Mums feelings completely. Even if she shouldn’t have stayed with your Dad after she found out, it was her choice to make and I can see why she objected to be contacted by the product of her husbands affair just after he died. You probably have to be widowed yourself to relate to that, but it’s a valid feeling that your mum doesn’t deserve to be criticised for.

That doesn’t mean that your unknown sister did something wrong, just that your Mum deserves as much understanding as she does.

If your Mum has been a good Mum to you, she deserves your loyalty imo. That is more important than the fact that your father managed to conceive with someone else. As so much time has passed since your half sister made contact, I would leave it.

Thanks for your input. She has overall been a good Mum yes. No I dont think she deserves criticism but I dont think she should have destroyed the letter essentially making it difficult to make contact either. It wasn't her decision to make. She doesn't see it from the other perspective at all, not even 1%.

She had a hard time with my Dad but she never did anything about it. She had many opportunities to leave/split but didnt. She is very much into appearances and she wouldnt want anyone in her family finding out about this. Keeping up appearances type thing.

I dont think I can go potentially my whole life without ever meeting her.

OP, slightly different circumstances but through people researching family trees my niece was approached and we discovered my Mum had a son (1930s) before marrying my father. He was being fostered but my father refused to ‘take him on’ if he married my Mum and he was then adopted by the foster parents.

There is a complicated side story but my mother died in the late 1960s without having the opportunity to tell my full brother or myself of his existence. I was too young and I expect my mother would have been too embarrassed/guilty to tell my brother. I can understand why my father didn’t tell us about our half brother despite him not only knowing of his existence but also how he could be contacted, but my full brother resents my father not telling us.

However, having ‘found’ my half-brother we were able to have a relationship with him albeit only for a few years before he died. Sadly, my full brother and his children hadn’t bothered to keep in touch after the initial few contacts but that’s their loss. My husband and I had many happy times with my half-brother and his family before his death.

I now still have a fantastic relationship with one of his daughters who, due to the age differences, is more like a sister to me.

Whatever the circumstances of her birth you share Genes/DNA with this half-sister. That’s what she is, your half-sister. I can understand your mother’s animosity, as I did my father’s but that should not influence your actions. She’s been a good Mum and that’s fine but that shouldn’t prevent you from having a relationship with another blood relative.

You might want to start slowly and not tell your Mum or sister, especially as your Mum is still alive but I honestly think, in your position, I would make a contact. You appear to be her only connection to half of her parentage.

But it doesn't matter the words your father spoke to you, the reality is he permanently and irrevocably damaged and lessened your mother's life. Forever.

His affair child is a permanent reminder of his appalling betrayal and the all the suffering your mother endured because of his choice to betray her. These boards and the entire internet is littered with the stories of how desperately unhappy people are when their husband or wife chooses to betray them.

Yes, I didn't suggest in any post your mother should make the choice for you and stated it was YOUR decision repeatedly.

But do not expect your mother to reframe her trauma to suit your half sibling or you at any point in her life. She probably can't and it's perpetuating the abuse your father inflicted on her by choosing to betray her to expect her to do that. It doesn't matter if it was a hundred years ago, your mum deserves your compassion for what your father chose to do to her.

You shouldn't expect or ask her at any time to want to see or talk to the reminder of his choice to betray her, she has every right in the world to say your half sibling has nothing to do with her - because she doesn't. And every right not to want to talk to her, see her and basically just try to forget she exists, if that is her way of coping with the memory of your father's choice to betray her.

Of course it's not your half sibling's fault, she lost out big time because of your father's choices. But she was NOT abandoned by you because you have absolutely no responsibility to her. None at all. Nor does your mother or your sister.

Your father was the only one who had a responsbility to her. It is all, every last bit of this sad tale, his fault. Not your mother's, sisters or yours. You are all women dealing with the selfishness, cruelty and betrayal of a man and the fall out of that.

Yes, I am sorry the letter went to your mum. What a horrible shock for your mum to have to deal with that letter, and on top of your father's death.

So yep, as per previous posts, I would just go and see her if you choose to, in the full knowledge it may or may not work out, and then briefly tell your mother and sister what you did without letting them attack you for it, as your boundaries and choices are your own. And theirs are their own.

I agree with this, to an exent. But I don't think that loyalty should extend to not going to see her half sister. I do think the OP sounds judgemental and dismissive towards her poor mother and dismissive of the shock and suffering the affair child's letter would have caused her, what a blow after losing her husband to be viscerally reminded of what was probably one of the worst times in her mother's whole life.

I noted and that the OP called her half sibling a "love child" whcih is so minimising to her poor mum. There was certainly no love at all in her father choosing to betray her mother and causing her trauma that would last a life time.

But I do think the OP has the right to talk to her half sister, so long as she respects her mother's and sister's right to never want to do so, or to discuss the half sibling or their relationship if that is their wish. People cope with betrayal as best they can. This is entirely the fault of her father, not her mum or her sister, and they are just trying to get by in the wake of the shitshow he caused.

Please do not think I am in any way dismissive of my Mother's pain. It's quite the opposite. I have supported my Mother through everything, his mistreatment of her over the years before this even came to light. I encouraged her to leave him and found her so much help but she wouldnt make the break. I financially supported my Mum when my Dad was abroad 'working' and she had nothing. I worked 2 jobs while I was a student so our electricity was turned back on after she couldn't pay the bills. My Dad was a shit to her especially in later years and was emotionally abusive to the 3 of us most of our lives.
Through tests during my father's illness however we discovered he had an undiagnosed brain injury from a car accident many years before. We were told the area affected would have impaired hos decision making skills, impulsivity and temper. Prior to that accident he had been a gentle person who was good to us all. So as you can see it is not all black and white.

Sorry if it is worded poorly, I am anything but dismissive of her pain. My loyalty to her is what has prevented me reaching out for 4 years.

I am trying to balance what is the best thing to do. Yes she has been incredibly hurt. I was there with her, comforting her. My sisters reaction was to leave and book a last minute holiday!! I was also pregnant at the time with a high risk pregnancy. I single handedly supported my Mum in every way.

I am focusing now on where we are today and the situation as it stands. I am trying to extend kindness to a stranger. I feel for her even though I haven't met her. Will it open a can of worms? Possibly. Will it be a bad decision? Possibly. Should I leave it? Possibly.

Just to clarify I dont see this becoming a relationship, it wont be an all around the Christmas table scenario. I did wonder if though I should make contact via a solicitor to answer any medical history questions she or her medical team have and see how things go but it would never be a situation where we could even be FB friends sadly as all my extended family then could ask questions.

Thanks for the input. I dont disagree with anything anyone has said. The last thing I want is to hurt my Mum but alot of time has passed and I think she is being somewhat unreasonable dictating I am banned from ever seeing her.

One final point I referred to her as a love child as how else could I politely refer to her? Also apparently Dad and her mother had a relationship that spanned several years.
Was he a shit for doing that? Yes
Was he also a good father before his injury? Yes
Was he a victim as much as we were? The jury is out.

I'm just a Mum/daughter/big sister trying to navigate the best way forward with this impossible situation.

Thank you all for your opinions as it is making me consider it from every angle.

Dunno where you are OP but in Scotland she would absolutely have a claim on your dad’s estate. You cannot “disinherit” your children here.

I appreciate the clarification, and apologise for any misconceptions I had.

I would just say my father's child by an affair, or better still half sibling and if someone asks you can clarify. I'd be raging if I was your mum and heard her referred to as a love child.

There's no good solution to what your father caused unfortunately. I just reiterate that you have a right to see her if you want to, don't expect too much, and yes she might be after money or cause disruption in your life, or it might be fine. And again, I would tell your mum after you go and see her if you choose to do that, and not before, and don't expect her to want to know her, or have any part of it.

Good luck.

(Sorry for quoting, it was an accident)

I can't imagine not wanting to know my half sister in this scenario. She has done nothing wrong, and I would not want to add to the rejection that she must already feel.

This. 💯