Prepared to hear some home truths but am I being unfair with childcare and dying nans boyfriend.

[Pinkbedsheet]

My daughters (6) nans blyfirned of 3 years is dying. This is very sad and upsetting and I honestly have all the sympathy in the world for the stress of that (I have been there myself)

my issue is my daughters dad will not give me a day he will have her because they moved the boyfriend in to help. And he lives on a house with his mum. This is causing me so much stress with work I also have a child from another relationship and as a hairdresser it’s messing around my childcare and work I can’t book appointments as I don’t know if I have to do school runs. I said to move it weeekends which he refused as the dad works as a DJ for a pub on a Saturday night and won’t move this job. It’s driving me insane and whenever I try and say it needs to be stable as I don’t receive maintenance as he’s on benefits and only does the dj work and my other child’s parent died that’s I need the work as I can’t afford childcare over the summer holidays and him having my child allowes my 70 year old parents to have just one child which is manageable. This is really starting to effect my life (we literally had eggs on toast in a different style for every meal this week because I’m too scared to spend money that I don’t have knowing I have two kids over the 6 weeks to feed and entertain.

Aibu to want some structure even if his mums boyfriend is dying and how on earth can I bring this up without getting how I’m not sympathetic or how I’m self centered thrown down my throat.

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Is he claiming that he is providing physical care for the dying man and unable to leave the bedside? Somehow I’m skeptical that a part-time dj on benefits has stepped up to provide intimate, around the clock care for his mother’s boyfriend.

No his mums boyfriend just lives in the house but he’s saying when he’s unwell my daughter can’t come so I haven to wait to see how he feels on the day like tomorrow he’s meant to have her and he text about a hour ago to say he’s not well so won’t be able to now and I had to refund deposits because he’s refused.

And probably lose clients because of you waited a month for a full hair of foils and a nice treatment and it’s cancelled day before I’d be gutted some of them boom the day off work and stuff.

What if you just dropped your daughter around there and went to work?
I too find it very unlikely that this bludger is suddenly providing dedicated care to his mums boyfriend.

I feel for you but it might not be because he's "caring" for the bloke that he's keeping his child away, it might be that he's trying to shield her from a nasty situation. I wouldn't want my child anywhere near that situation, hearing or seeing things that a child shouldn't see or hear.

It’s not like his mum’s boyfriend has been around that long. If he’d been around since your ex was a kid and very much had a parental role, I’d understand it. It sounds to me like he’s trying to shirk his responsibilities towards his daughter and this is an excuse.

im tempted too but the chance is he isn’t even in and he’s using his mums boyfriend as a excuse I can’t argue with he just says do you think she’d like to see him unwel why would you expose her to that. I’ve tried to explain work and he says that’s not his problem yet won’t change his ”job” as it’s his dream and his income. The guy also gets universal credit and pip for enxiety so he would not be without money (I’m not against him getting benefits) just feel so backed into a corner.

and if he isn’t there I don’t think it’s fair to hos mum to have to deal with me throwing a bissy fit I just wish he would cooperate and not use it as a excuse.

Can he come to your house when you're working, not the best set-up but at least you'll have childcare.

His child, his responsibility. You don’t just get to drop your kids when it’s inconvenient. He needs to step up. Whatever else is going on in the house is irrelevant.

Woth respect, inits not this problem or him, it will be another. Its an excuse.

I'd be looking to offer stability to my child by starting a formal proceeding of some sort.

Make sure you are claiming every penny from him him cms, even if the reject your claim. Make sure they know about the DJ work.

And I'd stop asking him to be involved because he clearly has no interest and ithe longer your kids see him sporadically the more unsettling it is for them.

Are you claiming any means tested benefits,ninclused reduced cjildcare costs, that you're entitled to?

This is what the issue is and I do fully agree with it but it’s also really impacting everyone like my other child and my job and it’s just a really rubbish situation but very fustratatimg as he won’t help me make it work I even offered him to have his daughter at mine and I’d be at work and come back but he refused as he’s going to be too worried

I offered this he said no

This is how I feel but he will demand his two nights just on his terms when I said no last week as I planned a party he actually knocked on the door to take her and because I didn’t want her to be upset I just waved her off and then cried after. He’s just using it to control me. But when I mention court he says he wouldn’t go and I’d have to eaplin to my daughter why her dad doesn’t see her. (She absolutely adores her dad).

he wasn’t always like yhis he used to do Wednesday and Thursday every week religiously for years it’s started a month ago and it’s becoming impossible to deal with x

I’ve been to child maintenance and because he does two nights a week and on benefits he doesn’t have to pay anything I said about DJing but it’s cash in hand

He's being a lazy prick, will he pay a babysitter, I'd see if there is any teenagers looking to earn a few pound.

Why can't he take her somewhere that isn't the house?

Do you really want your 6 year old to be in the house when the boyfriend dies? To maybe hear him screaming or crying if he’s in pain or to see the grief of her nan when he dies? To watch his dead body being carried out of the house by undertakers? I wouldn’t!

Whilst it’s not ideal why can your parents not take whichever child is younger and you take the older one to work with you with a tablet or phone and some headphones and let them watch movies or listen to music or sweep the floor and tear foils when you have appointments? At least until the man dies!

You need to stand up to him when he tries to control how arrangement works and that does include if not going with him will upset your DD. He needs to learn that he can't control you like that.

It doesn't sound like it's an appropriate place for your DD to go at this time.

As he's not doing his 2 nights per week, then get back in touch with CMS (although if he's on benefits, you'll get very little).

Then arrange formal childcare. If you are a low earner, you can claim up to 85 % of the childcare costs back via UC.

When things have settled down (and sadly likely nan's boyfriend has passed away) then you can look at re-instating contact if dad can be reliable.

My mums disabled so having more then one child there isn’t safe either. I don’t want my child around it I just want him to be a man and find away to meet me in the middle. He should work Monday to Friday or at least a normal job he says he can’t as he’s has vision impairment the guy DJs on a laptop so should be able to work using computer. I’m not trying to be unkind and I’m just annoyed about work but I’m so fed up with it and I don’t know what to do for the best. He won’t get a real job because I went to child maintenance and he said “I’d never get a on the books job now we could have made an arrangement but you ruined it for yourself”

hes always been a controlling man and i think that’s what im so confused if im being unfair or how to make it work

You’re not being unreasonable but I’m not sure you can force him to take responsibility unfortunately. Surely he could have the kids at your house if he doesn’t want them at their house. I think you need to pursue as much money from him as you can, report his djing income to cms and hmrc if he won’t pay up off his own back. And sadly arrange childcare yourself if he won’t look after his children. Have you looked into UC top ups for childcare? Try and price up what it would cost and put it into the turn2us benefit calculator if you haven’t already. You might not be entitled to much without childcare, but adding that expense might make you eligible. I’m sorry you have to put up with this. It’s too bloody easy for dads (I know it’s sometimes mums, but it’s usually dads!) to shirk their responsibilities and leave the default parent in the shit xx

Could you pay an older teenager on school holidays to babysit for the hours you are with a customer?

Or do you claim UC where you could use a nursery and claim back 85% of childcare costs?

when I mention court he says he wouldn’t go

Unfortunately you can't take him to court in order to make him see his child, if anything it would be the other way round, he would take you to court to gain access.

I would take his behaviour as a clear message that he does not want to see his child at the moment and make alternative arrangements. He doesn't chip in financially, he's not reliable with his contact, I would put what he says on the back burner. It's not fair, but it's the situation you're in for now.

Rearrange your situation so you're not reliant on him for anything, and say less. If he wants to see her he will have to come forward. Until then, paddle your own canoe.

It’s so fustrating isn’t it that men (some women too) can just stop and it’s all down to you if I did that I’d get arrested for neglect

I'd report him for the cash in hand jobs to the DWP, it will affect his benefits and its not like he pays you anything either. Look into alternative childcare for the days you work. Surely as a skilled hairdresser you can make it pay. I would be surprised if you couldn't get some sort of UC top up/childcare help if you are receiving no maintenance.

Unfortunately I think for the moment that is your only choice.
Good luck x

Watching and hearing someone extremely ill and terminal can be profoundly upsetting for anyone.

I think he's shielding your child from seeing that and rightfully so.

You don't want her having nightmares.