Prepared to hear some home truths but am I being unfair with childcare and dying nans boyfriend.

[Pinkbedsheet]

My daughters (6) nans blyfirned of 3 years is dying. This is very sad and upsetting and I honestly have all the sympathy in the world for the stress of that (I have been there myself)

my issue is my daughters dad will not give me a day he will have her because they moved the boyfriend in to help. And he lives on a house with his mum. This is causing me so much stress with work I also have a child from another relationship and as a hairdresser it’s messing around my childcare and work I can’t book appointments as I don’t know if I have to do school runs. I said to move it weeekends which he refused as the dad works as a DJ for a pub on a Saturday night and won’t move this job. It’s driving me insane and whenever I try and say it needs to be stable as I don’t receive maintenance as he’s on benefits and only does the dj work and my other child’s parent died that’s I need the work as I can’t afford childcare over the summer holidays and him having my child allowes my 70 year old parents to have just one child which is manageable. This is really starting to effect my life (we literally had eggs on toast in a different style for every meal this week because I’m too scared to spend money that I don’t have knowing I have two kids over the 6 weeks to feed and entertain.

Aibu to want some structure even if his mums boyfriend is dying and how on earth can I bring this up without getting how I’m not sympathetic or how I’m self centered thrown down my throat.

.

There's no point relying on him anymore. The dying boyfriend is a red herring. I think it's time to go to court and arrange set contact hours. If he doesn't fulfil that obligation and messes you around you have to go back to court. This is the hard way and the likelihood is he won't want to do any of this so your child will end up not seeing her father. While you may feel this is sad because she loves him, she is very young now and being let down regularly over the years will change her feelings. Sometimes no father is better than one who constantly lets them down.

You also need push the child maintenance situation, make sure the DWP know he works and where, you can give them all the details.

Assume he's not going to have her, arrange childcare and get the UC top up for it or any other help available to you, and if he suddenly says he's having her you stand up for yourself and explain that you have made other arrangements. Don't take any shit from this man. If he gets difficult in any way, contact the authorities. Stop letting him run your life.

I disagree. At the end of my mum's life (cancer) I was there with my two children. It wasn't fun but it was important that we were there and with the worst stuff it's not difficult to have the child in a separate room watching tv or doing crafts. It helped my mum to see her grandchildren and it helped my daughter to understand her grandmother was slipping away and that it was time to say goodbye. In most cultures death is not hidden from children the way it is in western countries. It's a part of life.

Yes but the OP has offered that he take care of their daughter in her house while she works, but he said no?

If one of your parents or their partners was dying, you wouldn't be able to opt out of parenting. He needs to step up to his responsibilities.

This is how I feel!!! My mum had cancer she now has a arm that is completely immobile and I still look after her go to appointments even if I have to bring my kids unfortunately it’s life and part of their life is there mums a single mum who has to do these things.

when my daughters dad killed himself it was a complete shock and I still had both my children that day and infact my sons dad and mum decided to book a last minute holiday to Spain that day so I had no childcare for the next week my parents were in Iceland at the time which they knew. He then came back and tuned up banging on my door with a massive bag of presents to give my daughter making my child who’s dad just died watch her get loads of gifts and then took her off to ensure he does his nights needed in a month not to pay.

when people say I wouldn’t let my child go it’s honestly not that easy my daughter adores her dad and rings him off my phone everyday she would be heartbroken if I stopped it and he does treat her well when he has her . But it’s his way or no way and I don’t understand how his mums boyfriend death is causing my life so much disruption without sounding extremely not sympathetic because I am and I feel for his mum who’s been single for years and finally found a man who’s dying I really feel for her!

I don’t get the nights in a month so he doesn’t have to pay

unless he does 50/50 which he certainly isnt why wouldn’t he have to pay you the £28 I get. The whole £7 a week whoop @Pinkbedsheet

On our letter it said because he does 52 nights a year divided by 9 nights a month he doesn’t have to pay due to him being on benefits.

this might be 50/50 in legal terms It’s two mights a week normally two after schools and then dropping back off before 7am on a Saturday if he does Thursday Friday. I also have to pack a bag everytime she goes I was honestly shocked as I was expecting my £7 but they said no as he does over 52 nights a year I’ll try and find a copy

Apparently this has to be divided by so many a month and he takes a picture and refuses to get a job so that it stays at £0 for me

Women have to take some responsibility for choosing useless men to bear their children.

Can his mum babysit for you?

His mums partner is dying I’m not going to ask this?? And when I was with him he worked in a carpet shop and rented a flat this was over 5 years ago he turned nasty and I left the next day he left his jobs claimed benefits and left his flat and moved back with his mum. I was with him from school to 25 I’m over 30 now it took for me to have a child for him to become unkind. So not stop blaming people for having a trust and hope in the world and blame those that take peoples vunrabilities and manipulate and gaslight and control people into believing them

No it's not

Should the child be near a seriously unwell (dying) man?

Not fair on him at alll

How do I say this?

He might be the gofor for his gran. He might be getting things like incontinence pads, meds, and other things the dying bf needs. It's likely the bf doesn't want to be left alone.

This is not the time. I get it's tough for OP with no childcare but there's a dying person where he's at. He may be using it as an excuse or not but man, being a carer is extremely tough and he's supporting his mom while her bf is dying. I would be giving him the benefit of the doubt here.

Stop excusing shit men. Usually the partner doesn't become as shit as they are until children are born.
That's how they trap women into having kids with them.

Clearly your ex wasn’t taking full responsibility for his daughter previously, he was leaving her with his mum while he went to the pub etc. Now his mums bf is dying, she’s put her foot down and said she’s not willing to keep looking after her. She’s prioritising her bf. That’s totally fair enough and she probably should have put her foot down long ago. Your ex is totally unreliable and sadly you will need to make your own arrangements for childcare.

Hi I would definitely doublecheck that because that’s exactly what ex is Doing

He had a daughter twice a week overnight and still has to pay me £28 a montH.

She didn’t have her to at the moment, but that’s regardless but yeah I always got £28 a month even though she stayed there two nights a week so best do doublecheck.

Because obviously £28 a month goes so far in paying for children need LOL

He challenged it saying he did two nights a year and they allowed his challenge he then posted the 0.00 on Facebook saying when you do 50/50 and your babymums geeedy the guys over 30 🤣🤣 I tried to ring him like I would happily to 50:50 so I could work and he said legally we did then hung up lol🤣

If he has been stable and reliable up until now there's no reason to think he is using this as an excuse. If he is otherwise a loving and caring dad it may well be the case that he genuinely can't have her at the house currently. However, none of this is really your problem and you are really struggling with your work so I would stop relying on him altogether, can you get your children into a summer camp/childcare? If you dont earn a lot UC will pay up to 85% of the costs.

You can't make it work fairly if he is unwilling to meet you half way. That's the top and bottom of it unfortunately.

It will be easier on you and your energy levels to accept that he is next to useless, and crack on without relying on him for anything. It's not fair, it will never be fair, and running at it from every different angle to make him "behave" and make it fair, is a waste of your time and will just lead to a very frustrated and worn out and resentful you.

Cut him loose, if he wants to see her great, if not then that's honestly and truly his luck out. You'll reap the rewards with the relationship with your child and he will miss out in the long run even if it looks like he's having it his way right now. You reap what you sow in this situation.

He contributes £28 per month in child maintenence and has her two nights a week when he's "stable and reliable". If it was a genuine issue with the house being unsuitable he would be able to take his child on a day out while mum works, without an overnight as a fair compromise.

IF he was interested in a fair compromise. He won't, because he is not.

I think he should take her out for the day if it’s an inappropriate environment. We went to the library, park and kids are doing a free dance camp set up by the council. Total cost was £3.60 per person for a Tesco meal deal. Cheaper if I could be bothered to make sandwiches

I agree it's not an ideal place for your dd to be while someone is having end of life care and some days are probably going to be worse than others without warning.

Giving him a very generous benefit of the doubt if he's been reasonably consistent up to now, is it possible that his mum isn't coping with the level of care she's found herself providing and is relying on him being there? Some of it can be quite physically demanding so if she's not up to it he might need to step in for certain tasks.

HOWEVER. He is still a parent and he still has responsibilities so he needs to provide other arrangements as end of life care can often take much longer than anticipated. That could be taking your dd out for the day, minding her at yours on those days as you've already suggested, or he contributes to a childminder. I know you can't easily force him to do any of those things, but my point is just that your frustration is valid and its not OK for him to prioritise this to the point where your job is at risk as a result.

Do you work for an employer or are you self employed? Is there anything they could offer you such as temporarily part time hours like half days or similar or do they offer paid carers leave? Are you able to do any hairdressing in your home where your dd could be about without being about?

It also might be worth linking in with a local food bank if you're worried about money in the meantime. Many people who are working and earning use them so while it may feel strange to you, it certainly won't look strange to anyone else. It's just a reflection on the times we're living in.

I'd also contact a local advice service such as citizens advice. I'm a lone parent and even though my ex does currently provide maintenance I'm still entitled to some UC for a percentage of childcare costs although I'm not sure whether this is applicable where you live, so it would be good to know you're getting all the financial support you're entitled to.

I think at the minute you need to rule him out and make alternative arrangements. I'd also be inclined to report him for the cash in hand work. Djs can earn a fair bit in a night depending on the type of work he's doing, so no reason why he couldn't be contributing to his children. He's choosing not to. None of this is fair for your dd and I understand not wanting her to miss out on her dad, but ultimately he's letting her down and disappointing her and a child that age finds that hard to understand. So I'd actually put that to him in writing, that it's putting your job at risk and its distressing for your dd when he cancel at short notice. I'd remind him that you've offered him to mind her at your house or at weekends and he's declined all reasonable offers so your only alternative is to seek other childcare and she will no longer be available for contact during the week. I say put it in writing so you can use it if he tries to take you to court for parental alienation, I'd keep screenshot and a record of all the times you've offered him alternative ways to facilitate contact.

He's an arse.