Prepared to hear some home truths but am I being unfair with childcare and dying nans boyfriend.

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My daughters (6) nans blyfirned of 3 years is dying. This is very sad and upsetting and I honestly have all the sympathy in the world for the stress of that (I have been there myself)

my issue is my daughters dad will not give me a day he will have her because they moved the boyfriend in to help. And he lives on a house with his mum. This is causing me so much stress with work I also have a child from another relationship and as a hairdresser it’s messing around my childcare and work I can’t book appointments as I don’t know if I have to do school runs. I said to move it weeekends which he refused as the dad works as a DJ for a pub on a Saturday night and won’t move this job. It’s driving me insane and whenever I try and say it needs to be stable as I don’t receive maintenance as he’s on benefits and only does the dj work and my other child’s parent died that’s I need the work as I can’t afford childcare over the summer holidays and him having my child allowes my 70 year old parents to have just one child which is manageable. This is really starting to effect my life (we literally had eggs on toast in a different style for every meal this week because I’m too scared to spend money that I don’t have knowing I have two kids over the 6 weeks to feed and entertain.

Aibu to want some structure even if his mums boyfriend is dying and how on earth can I bring this up without getting how I’m not sympathetic or how I’m self centered thrown down my throat.

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No disrespect to the man at the end of his life but it sounds like your ex is seizing it as a handy excuse, he could take them to any number of other venues rather than the house if he really wanted to see them. Obviously maybe not able to have them overnight but he could for sure have them during the day. Plenty of free venues put on additional children’s activities in the school holidays which helps, all the libraries in our city ( the ones that haven’t been closed down that is) have story time, craft activities or similar one at a different library each day. Our local museum has themed events on as does the Big art gallery. Then there is always the local parks where you can extend the time out with a ball or kite and a picnic.
I was wondering if he only saw them in the house was it his mum doing the looking after while he sat on his bum and that she is now providing care for her partner and no longer available for childcare and he can’t be bothered to do it himself?

Yes thanks to this thread that’s what I’m going to look into luckily the women who owns the salon I rent my chair in is very understanding and actually offered to help me with child care this week!!! So I didn’t have to refund people she said to try and sort of childcare for the week after and maybe his he does random days it means I could have a break or earn a bit more was just a very stressful situation and as I wouldn’t want my own child to whitness anything upsetting I felt really backed into what I do but it just felt fustrating that he wasn’t doing anything he could to see our child. He has a dad who has a lovely house where they have my child’s cousin over night and the fact he didn’t even offer to take her there was so fustrating. However his problem I just felt sooo selfish for getting upset when someone was clearly unwell in the whole situation xx

I was in the house when my paternal grandmother was dying of cancer and it was genuinely traumatising. Her finger nails fell off when I tried to paint them for her and all her teeth fell out. As much as your ex is wrong, and he should be caring for his child over some man he’s known for 3 years, you need to be mindful of the impact seeing someone who’s dying has on a child.

You are in a horrible situation and I sympathies for you, but please do not expose your child to death in this way. It traumatised me and gave me a pretty server fear of sick (which I got over once I had kids but it was brutal).

Could you make different arrangements for your other child, eg their grandparents or wider family, leaving your parents free to look after your daughter?

It’s this my child’s bed is in the mums room at the house whilst he goes out to pubs or whatever on eveinings I never really cared what the arrangement was as my daughter loves going and it helped me with work however now it’s caused me so many issues and unfortunately there’s someone’s who’s very unwell in the middle of it.

my daughter does love this man and seeing anyone unwell is upsetting just so rubbish it’s me who’s just expected to arrange my whole life to suit her dad x

You are going to have to arrange childcare. If you offered your home and he still refused parenting time, this is just an excuse.

you also don’t need to give him time with your child on his terms.
Set a consistent schedule. If it’s Wed-Thur and he misses it, then he doesn’t get to just pick a random day. Co-parents can compromise and be flexible, but only when they are working together as a team. It isn’t an excuse for one to take all the burden. If someone is being flaky, that is when you default to the agreement.

YANBU, but no way would I be sending my daughter to that house with a shit-show of a dad.

I would get the CSA involved about the maintenance. I’d also stand up to him on the regular day thing- seems to be that the obvious solution is for him to have her all day Sat when he can take her out. He can still DJ in the evenings. I’d set this out and then say if he doesn’t agree you’ll go to court, and stick to it (you’ve got to hit back- if he says “how will you explain to DD why she doesn’t see her dad” you respond with “I’ll tell her the truth, that you prioritised everything else, financially continued the bare minimum, only had access when you could be arsed and that I was being a responsible parent trying to earn money for her whilst giving her a stable home life.”)

when her dad died his mum moved away and that was his family and my sister who is my biggest help is away most of the summer as she’s a teacher it’s her only chance to go on a holiday and my family could have them both but my mum did have lung cancer and being 70 and one of my children is adhd and love him to bits to its very hard work so it’s exhausting for her and she just isn’t able to watch them both I think the universal credit top up with childcare is going to be my best option xx

Report the fucker and make sure he is declaring it because that moneys isn't being used to help his kids and its actually harming them because he's using that job as an excuse not to have them to boot.

He has a new girlfriend. I would put money on it.

Wont commit in case she wants to see him and when she doesnt, then he will see your DD. Give it another month or so and he will be father of the year in order to prove to the new GF that he is so great. Or......he will stop seeing DD altogether because "her mum stops me seeing her".

Sadly predictable that it will most likely start with the former and end with the latter.

Ewww. Why are you even trying? He sounds like a right loser!
I WFH while my kids have a tablet. It's the only way I can do it. Is there not a staff room they can sit in? You can nip in to check on them every so often. How old are they? Obviously that won't work if you have toddlers.
They get far too much screen time on these days but it's surely better than hearing someone die.

I think I'd just give up on 'dad' completely. Let him take you to court. He won't.

I wouldn’t actually mind this either way when he was with me he worked in a carpet shop the day before broke up (over 5 years ago) he left because he never wanted to give me a penny and he’s never worked another day since. He also rented a flat with me which he continued to rent then moved out and back in with his mum just so childcare become harder (back then it was a different excuse) it then got better and we had a good routine except the financial help for years however recently he’s become inpossible. I wouldn’t mind if he stopped all together as then cms would make him pay me £7 a week but hhe makes sure he does his hours not to just won’t let me have a time and as he just turns up when he wants it puts me in a position where I’m upsetting my child to say no.

he used to do Friday night to Sunday every week but stopped his “because his brother brings his son round and it gets chaotic and he can’t cope” so it become Wednesday Thursday and now it’s a random two days he picks he also drops her off like 7am the day after so I normally end up doing breakfast he’s just really hard work.

he’s not completly awful like he drove to her school to drop a water bottle when it was left at his and stuff like he’s not completly rubbish he just won’t let me have a easy life and now has the perfect excuse not to which is so sad because someone is dying on the back of it

He's just making excuses cos he's a lazy arse.

If he wanted to spend time with them he would have found a way.

And you said he won't keep them in your house- no excuse nothing. Just a no.

So there's your answer.

You can't rely on this waste of space. Your gonna have to look into alternative arrangements going forward.its easy for men to just shirk off their responsibilities.

Like someone else said. If a woman had no childcare and left the kids alone cos she had to go to work she would probably end up in jail.

Whereas men just run off with no consequences.

Find some concrete childrcare. You will need it.

And it will get easier as the kids get older.

You can't rely. On him, so you need to find alternative childcare and act like he's not in the picture.

I dont think your DD should be in the house of a dying person. They have enough to worry about. But your ex does seem unco-operative as he turns down every suggestion you make. Can you not do hair in your own home while your child is there. It isn't ideal but needs must

Sounds similar to my set up tho I get £28 a month. Whoop

as ex is on benefits and won’t work

so you should get that as think that’s the Max he has to pay

I assume you’re on universal credit so have a look into getting childcare paid. I think it’s 85% that they will pay for you will end up paying 15% towards cost of childcare

that way if you know that you work Wednesday and Thursday you can book childcare in for those days and then book work in for those days.

It's a difficult situation for all but if you and your ex hadn't split up he would have to care for his child anyway so it shouldn't be all on you, it's not fair for the burden to fall so heavily on you when this isn't even your relative. And if he really won't take her he should at least give you some extra money to compensate for your lost hours and to help pay for meals.

Being around death is also necessary for children, it's a part of life and by trying to shield them from it we actually make it more scary. Dying people are also often comforted by time around the young.

Personally I wouldn’t want young child having to witness someone in end stage illness! As a short term solution why can’t you’re parents have both children, 70 isn’t that old, my parents used to have 5 children between the ages of 6 and 8 during the holidays when they were in their 70’s!

Some end stage illnesses are truly horrific and certainly not the place for a 6 year old!

Because they had cancer my mum has a arm that doesn’t work at all abymore so she herself needs help so just aren’t well enough for a 3 year old and 6 my dad is really good but also cares for my mum. I’ve never relied on them however I believe someone that led down and made the baby should be trying to make it work

I'd give him 2 options - he arranges and pays childcare on the 2 days he was regularly having him or you will report change of circumstance to CMS (you won't get more as he's on benefits but if hes working cash in hand guess would be reluctant to be investigated). You should also check UC I'm not sure how it works when you are self employed but would be surprised if you weren't entitled when you add the childcare element

I think as it’s an emergency I’d ask your parents for extra help. Two kids can be hard work but probably they will play together, watch films, mess about in the garden?

Look it just sounds like you need to take legal action now and get the court to decide

I was married to a bag of shit excuses like the clown that is your DC father OP.

Funnily enough the same line of work too 🙄

This clown is not working so he doesn't have to pay you anything and the burden of full responsibility is yours. I feel your pain.

I would not be making his life easy either so grass that fucker up for working on the side. Why should we go to work and pay taxes for this waste of skin to shirk his responsibilities?

He doesn't need to be having your DD at his mother's house, he can take her out for the day.

If your kids get Free School Meals, you might be entitled to some help over the summer.

I was able to send my kids to some clubs free of charge and they were given lunch. They did not want to go. I wasn't happy, but I made them go as I did not have the money to feed them at that time. Food banks were also helpful.

Your Ex sounds a bit like mine, in that they will move heaven/earth to fulfil their work commitments and expect us to enable it, but we get no consideration in return.