To cut contact with db for this?

[Fatsnowflake]

Name changed as this is very identifying. My brother has always been a nasty character. Aggressive, will deliberately goad people and then shout at them. He’s paranoid and it’s easy to say the wrong thing around him. He’s a trained MMA fighter and physically intimidating. He also hates women and at a family meal he started expressing his support for Andrew Tate. I had to challenge that as my 15 year old ds was there and then he turned verbally abusive, accusing me of being jealous of our other brother and saying how his girlfriend was an excellent mother and a good woman because she’s softly spoken and doesn’t work.
He did apologise for this incident and although I kept him at arms length, I decided to still see him at family occasions to keep the peace, but keep my distance.
Then last weekend I went to a family friend’s party. I didn’t actually know my brother was going to be there but he drove my mum and her friend there. On the journey over he was accusing my mum of looking at a man out of the window!
I brought my lovely friend to the party and I was just ordering a drink at the bar when I realised my friend was chatting to my brother and his girlfriend. My brother’s girlfriend brought up the fact that she wanted to get married and my brother said that all married women cheat. My friend challenged this and said she was happily married. My brother then shouted at her ‘you’re ugly and I bet your husband is too!’
I heard this exchange and was obviously horrified. Everyone is frightened of my brother and so we moved away from him. About 5 minutes later he came storming over and shouted ‘don’t you disrespect me’ and poured a full glass of Prosecco over my friend’s head!
We spoke to the bar staff and got him thrown out and my friend rang the police to log what had happened. We left the party together and I’ve told my mum I never want to see my brother again - weddings, funerals, anything. If he’s there - I can’t be.

It transpired after that for some reason he was allowed back into the party and was calling my mum’s friend a ‘slapper’ because she was having fun and dancing. He clearly hates women. I’m quite shaken and upset for my friend and I’ve told my mum she needs to get away from him too.

No doubt about it - he’s an abusive, angry and dangerous man clearly with a lot of problems based upon the few incidents you’ve written about in your post. You would not be unreasonable to never see him again. Keep yourself and your family safe at all costs.

You can be on steroids and still be flabby over the muscle that it has built up, so don't be sure that's not a factor... But it sounds like even without chemical abuse he's going down a spiral that you won't be able to stop unless the rest of the family pitch in too.
I agree with pp that his girlfriend might be at risk and if you can reach out to her without inflaming the situation, it might be a good idea, for her children's sake too.

He crossed the line into physical conflict, it’s time to cut contact. That has consequences for you and your family, but it can’t be avoided.

some day, the girlfriend is going to need to take those children and run. If you and your family can afford to start setting aside a tiny bit of money now and then, it could help her escape either literally or just legally.

yanbu. He sounds very dangerous. His adrenals could be messed up from previous steroid use and personality worse from repeated head blows. Certainly at risk of this https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/chronic-traumatic-encephalopathy/ I think I would make an anonymous report to SS out of concern for his children.

I have my own family to care for and she does have her mum. I can’t get involved with helping her escape - especially if she isn’t admitting anything is wrong. Social services aren’t going to act on a report that he threw a drink on my friend and my family aren’t currently willing to speak out. I’ll continue to put pressure on them to cut him off/speak out - but my absolute priority is always going to be my children.

@Fatsnowflake forget this therapy and counselling shit!! why has no one had him charged????? you all sound like terrified snowflakes!! or at least taken out interdicts to keep him away from you all and who are the idiots who keep inviting him to family functions??

I can’t take out a restraining order without clear evidence of harassment against me. I can’t do it based on one incident against my friend. I will do if I need to - absolutely. I won’t be inviting him to events or attending where he’s present. And yes, I think other family members are terrified of him and I suspect with good reason. That makes them victims, rather than snowflakes.

@Fatsnowflake That makes them victims, rather than snowflakes. OK that was totally the wrong word to use. I meant to say idiots!! why are they tolerating this shit??

I think they are frightened. I think for my mum - it’s her son. They probably know more than me about what he’s capable of too.

If you know of any abuse or coercion against his gf, including isolating her from her mum, you could report that to the police and I think it could form part of the intel for a future Claires Law request.

Sounds like he’s taking steroids. I once belonged to a gym that had a bit of a steroid culture amongst a minority of the men but the roid rage was obvious a couple of times. The steroid induced emotional dysfunction of rage can flare really quickly, seemingly out of nowhere.

I have a family member like this. We have as little to do with him as we can. It’s disgraceful

I was called fatsnowflakecunt by an abusive man on here so that was my name. I changed it so as not to link to my other thread. Is that ok with you?

If you’re hinting I’ve made this up - please report me and MN can see all my previous name changes and the fact that I’ve been a poster here for a decade.

What name change would be acceptable for this thread?

Eeew what a pathetic man, I bet he has really low self esteem and puts women down because he gets a kick out of feeling like he’s superior to someone.
When will misogyny be taken as seriously as other prejudices? Oh yes it won’t because men won’t let that happen due to they benefit from it so it’s perfectly acceptable.

No, like I said, it was a weird choice of name for this thread. It sounds like something Andrew Tate (or the like) would call a woman.

YANBU at all.

Slightly different circumstances but I’ve also cut off contact with mine because of his character. He’s not into Andrew Tates and the likes but he’s also obsessed with the idea of being “disrespected” - but he sees any disagreement as a sign of disrespect.

We never got along very well and I’ve been telling my mum for many years that he’s a bully, it’s just that this behaviour has gone unchecked for decades and now this is where we’re at.

Well it was something I was called by an abusive man on MN - I adopted it ironically. I am not here to explain my choice of name, I’m here for support.

Yes that sounds very similar. I think it comes from having an extremely fragile ego. My brother will now manufacture disagreements where there isn’t one in order to start an argument.

@Fatsnowflake my mum yesterday was in a panic saying she’s worried he’ll just show up where I live (different country) because he’s so angry at me and apparently “I’ll have to hear him”. I’m honestly hoping it doesn’t come to that because my DP would knock him clean out if he ever saw the way he talks to me.

My DB had been going to therapy but has recently stopped and it doesn’t seem to have made any difference, really.

That's disgusting. I would be going no contact without any hesitation whatsoever.

I intend to. It feels like he’s isolated me from my own family as he gets invited to things which means I can’t go.

I think for important funerals I’d have to go to the ceremony and then leave before the wake. And not bring my children.

It’s awful - I sympathise with you too. I don’t really know what makes these men behave this way.