To cut contact with db for this?

[Fatsnowflake]

Name changed as this is very identifying. My brother has always been a nasty character. Aggressive, will deliberately goad people and then shout at them. He’s paranoid and it’s easy to say the wrong thing around him. He’s a trained MMA fighter and physically intimidating. He also hates women and at a family meal he started expressing his support for Andrew Tate. I had to challenge that as my 15 year old ds was there and then he turned verbally abusive, accusing me of being jealous of our other brother and saying how his girlfriend was an excellent mother and a good woman because she’s softly spoken and doesn’t work.
He did apologise for this incident and although I kept him at arms length, I decided to still see him at family occasions to keep the peace, but keep my distance.
Then last weekend I went to a family friend’s party. I didn’t actually know my brother was going to be there but he drove my mum and her friend there. On the journey over he was accusing my mum of looking at a man out of the window!
I brought my lovely friend to the party and I was just ordering a drink at the bar when I realised my friend was chatting to my brother and his girlfriend. My brother’s girlfriend brought up the fact that she wanted to get married and my brother said that all married women cheat. My friend challenged this and said she was happily married. My brother then shouted at her ‘you’re ugly and I bet your husband is too!’
I heard this exchange and was obviously horrified. Everyone is frightened of my brother and so we moved away from him. About 5 minutes later he came storming over and shouted ‘don’t you disrespect me’ and poured a full glass of Prosecco over my friend’s head!
We spoke to the bar staff and got him thrown out and my friend rang the police to log what had happened. We left the party together and I’ve told my mum I never want to see my brother again - weddings, funerals, anything. If he’s there - I can’t be.

It transpired after that for some reason he was allowed back into the party and was calling my mum’s friend a ‘slapper’ because she was having fun and dancing. He clearly hates women. I’m quite shaken and upset for my friend and I’ve told my mum she needs to get away from him too.

I don’t think I can give his gf the number for women’s aid without potentially putting myself in danger honestly. For the same reason I can’t help him to get therapy. He’s beyond my help.

I’d avoid him at all costs. Saying that, why should you and your children miss out because of him? What a shituation 😢
I really hope karma gets him!

There’s nothing I can do. I’m missing my niece’s christening and our other brother’s wedding because of this. I couldn’t trust him not to do this again.

I cut off my brother for similar things nobody in my family talks to him

Hopefully the rest of them will be able to stand up to him soon.

So sorry this happened to you and your friend OP. Definitely cut contact and get the police involved if he ever threatens you or someone you know. Keep a record of these incidents with dates too. We often forgive siblings having grown up with them, but it is no different to anyone being abusive. You distance yourself from them and keep strict boundaries.

I worry about your mum. If he is heavily involved in her life then it sounds like she is a victim of his abuse too. It seems he could be potentially violent. You will need to keep checking in on her and as mentioned, log his behaviour. He sounds dangerous.

Yes I worry about my mum too.

He returned to the party with no awareness, shame or remorse from the sounds of it.

Wow. He sounds vile. I'm not usually in support if cutting contact but I'd have no reservations about cutting him out. I hope he is soon rotting in a jail cell. If he treats women like this in public who are not tied to him in anyway I dread to think how he would treat a vulnerable woman in private.
That vile brother of yours sounds a bigger danger to your DS than Andrew Tate, having the real thing as an actual role model in real life will be much more influential. I'm actually surprised anyone at all wants contact with him. I'd be utterly disgusted if that was my son.

You poor thing, I wouldn’t blame you for cutting him out AT ALL. Hope your friend is ok too.
OP, I take it there’s no father figure in his life?

My boy doesn’t see much of him and isn’t influenced by him at all - he won’t see him again. My son is a lovely, kind young man who was playing love songs on his guitar when I got home.

His dad, my stepdad, is in his life but he’s been away visiting family abroad. He is also bullied by his son though and can’t control him either.

This sounds terrifying. Unless you believe that doing so would put his girlfriend or the children in harm's way, you should also consider informing social services that a violent and mentally unstable misogynist has access to small children. They sound like they are in a very vulnerable and precarious situation.

He doesn’t look after the children at all - his girlfriend does it all. I don’t think he’s violent with them at all and I don’t think social services would act on a vague report like that. If my friend reports to the police those services are joined up anyway.

I agree it sounds like gf is vulnerable but she would utterly deny anything was wrong if anyone spoke to her. She is completely in thrall to him. I have no tangible proof of anything even though I agree he’s clearly abusive.
I need to keep myself and my children safe because honestly that’s all I can do.

I wouldn't go near him again under any circumstances. I might even look into a restraining order.

Don’t be ridiculous

What? Please don’t be rude to me. This is a distressing situation. I’ve been polite and there’s no need to speak to me like that. Thank you.

I don’t think it’s ridiculous not to go near him again. I think that’s a rational response to escalating violence. I can’t control whether other family members invite him to events but I can ensure I am not present.

I can’t get a restraining order based on what’s happened thus far - but I would look into it if he harassed me. I don’t think he will. I do feel a bit unsupported by the fact that other family members haven’t done anything and he’s continuing this behaviour with no consequences.

I am still confused about why I am ridiculous?

You're not. It's sensible to keep yourself out of the way of being verbally and/or physically abused. And you know you're a target because you stand up to him, rather than rolling over and letting him get away with it as the others do (even if that is out of fear rather than indifference).

It's painful to feel you have to miss those occasions, but not ridiculous.

Thank you. I also think there’s a high chance he would ruin a family event if I were there. I was even thinking about what I do at funerals - which is awful. I can’t be near him. He really is scary and I don’t think it’s ridiculous to not want to be around that.

I have just learned that he has also assaulted other family members. I don’t want to give details (I don’t think he is a mumsnetter- but still!)

Good grief your family all need to stand up to him and go NC. I can see why they are scared to do so.
Your doing the right thing going no contact & not attending events where he will be, he sounds like a vile bully I bet he abuses his poor girlfriend.

If there is any way you can get him some professional help OP pls try!

Why the fuck is it always women's job to sort out men?!

Leave him to fuck up his own life OP.

I would suggest to subtly let that poor young woman know about Women's Aid.

I agree - I’m not going within a mile of that man.

I am not sure how I could let her know about women’s aid subtly. I could tell my mum to tell her but I really don’t want my poor mum in danger and I think she already is. Gf is in his thrall and will probably repeat things to him.