To think my mum was ridiculous about a slice of pie

[BeachPossum]

My son and I made a beautiful rhubarb and strawberry pie a couple of days ago, and I shared a photo of it on our family WhatsApp (parents, siblings and partners).

Yesterday afternoon my mum dropped by unexpectedly after visiting a friend nearby. I offered her a cup of tea and a biscuit and she said 'oh no, I'll have a slice of that lovely pie'. I said 'oh sorry! It's all been eaten', to which she responded with the most exaggerated display of astonishment and surprise. She kept saying 'REALLY! A whole pie in ONE DAY?', saying it would have done her and my dad for a week, we must have had huge slices etc. She made five or six comments in total.

The first time she commented I told her my in laws had been over so between them and us we'd eaten five slices, then my husband had had another piece in the afternoon following a 55km bike ride, and then the three of us had had a piece for morning coffee that day, totalling 9 slices of a normal sized pie. Not a crazy amount. Then when she kept on going on about it I tried to brush it off and move on, before eventually snapping at her to stop talking about food and appetites in front of my young children, at which point she left in a huff. She has texted me this morning to let me know she's hurt, she was just surprised, and that she wasn't saying anything inappropriate in front of the children.

She has absolute form for this. She's one of those people who always has to have the smallest appetite in the room, loves talking about meals she's forgotten to eat, loves refusing food. I was stunned she asked for a slice of pie in the first place since ninety nine times out of a hundred she refuses anything I offer her and makes a point of telling me she's totally full after a huge breakfast of one blini and a quail's egg. She's permanently on a diet, obsessed with food but never eats any, thinks that thinness is next to godliness etc. I've learned to live with it but I'll be damned if me and my children will accept being treated as revolting gluttons for eating two slices of pie over two days.

Anyway, the dilemma. She's incredibly defensive and will go nuclear if I try and get her to take any accountability. I swallow a lot of her shit for the sake of family harmony, and I'm at peace with this because she and I now have a very superficial relationship and I let her crap wash over me. But it's going to get to the point of affecting my children and when that happens I'll have to intervene and accept the fallout. So what do I say to her now? She's expecting an apology from me for snapping and reassurance that she's a lovely mother and granny who was treated unfairly. Do I:

1. Give her an insincere apology to get her to fuck off and leave me alone
2. text something very neutral like 'let's not row over pie' and hope she drops it
3. tell her she was being ridiculous and that it's part of a wider pattern of behaviour that I won't tolerate in front of my kids, and deal with whatever histrionics and drama follows
4. other suggestions welcome

I think this is an over generalisation. There are people who are obsessed by what people eat and their weight in every generation and there are people who don't really give it much thought.
Look at the "huge salad" "I won't be able to eat for a week" threads on here. They aren't all written by people aged between 65 and 80.
OP, I think the best thing you can do is emotionally detach from your Mum's attitude towards food-you can't really change it. Don't give her the power by explaining and justifying yourself to her. Grey rock all the way and practice not letting it affect you emotionally.

Not the point of the thread, but she was cheeky for telling you she'd have a slice with her cup of tea. Not even asking.

Years ago I made a cheesecake and offered a piece to my neighbour when she came round for coffee. She loved it and I gave her the recipe.
the next day she made the cheesecake. She tried a small piece and it was good so she had another and another piece until she’d eaten half. She was so ashamed her husband would laugh at her gluttony that she finished the whole thing so he would know of its existence.

This is fantastic! I'd never have the nerve to do it with my mum, but it's a delicious daydream!

To be fair to my mum she has got a lot better since I threatened to cut contact if she didn't stop going on about my weight and related topics about 10 years ago. My dad actually backed me up, told her to stop claiming she was only trying to help because she wasn't. Him telling her to "fucking stop it" might have been the only time in my life I ever heard him swear at her.

Op I feel for you. My mother and I have a similar dynamic. Not about food really, but the way you describe your relationship and communication with her is so similar. I think id go option 2 here but at some point the nuclear option may well explode out anyway. And it feels very cathartic, but the fallout will be big.

I managed a superficial relationship with my mother because the alternative of seething resentment and hurt is a worse prospect but my sister has basically gone non contact with my mum and her partner. It's hard.

Ps rhubarb and strawberry pie sounds amazing!

I have dealt with a parent who is similarly sensitive, although not around food per se but who I had to constantly walk on eggshells around and who I wished would be the parent I really wanted. So in your case, I would respond with 2 and if that didn’t work, I’d go with 3 because I do think these behaviours need calling out, regardless of the nuclear fallout.

I wouldn't do anything at all. Just leave her to sulk and wait until she makes contact with you. Have you told her that you find her attitude to food really dysfunctional? I think if she keeps making comments in front of the children, you will have to limit contact until they are of an age where you can explain to them that their grandmother has a really unhealthy relationship with food.

See, I absolutely agree with this. More words = more engagement. You felt the need to explain to your mum who had pie and when and helped turn it into a discussion. A simple ‘several of us had pie’ or similar is enough. Then change the subject. I’m not being critical at all. I know how hard it is not to get drawn in. DP gives his very controlling and interfering parents great big long explanations of everything - eg why he can’t come over at the weekend, why he didn’t mention that he visited his auntie/cousin/friend’s parrot. All it does is give him extra rope to hang himself, because it becomes a ‘thing’ instead of being quickly addressed so that the subject can be changed/dismissed.

I have to ask - if your mother is like this about food, why would you post pictures of your meals on a WhatsApp group that she's part of?

I would do absolutely nothing whatsoever. Ignore her completely and let her make the move.

Thumbs up or 'ok' - doesn't need any more response than that.

I don't think there's any point in replying/trying to justify yourself.

She won't get it (won't want to?)

I you do continue if see her, try not to talk about food & don't offer her any!

her: you ate that ENORMOUS pie?!
you: yes we did, it was delicious.
her: I could never do that, it would last me a week!
you: gosh.
her: weren’t you stuffed?! I’d have been sick and not eaten for days!
you: Not at all.
her: Wow, a WHOLE pie…
you: So, how are Bill and the kids?

Tbh I'm not sure that that is shutting it down quickly enough.

Her first question would surely just need an eyeroll!

"Sorry I snapped at you. To prevent this happening again, let's both agree to refrain from commenting on food and eating habits in my house or around my children. Thanks"

I'd forget it.

This is my analysis of it

1. She's pissed off because the pie looked nice and she was looking forward to it.
2. Her annoyance about no pie has resulted in her snipping because she's feeling left out and that she missed out and stupid for (obviously) coming by just for this pie.
3. Your history with her is leading you to over react to her display of irritation.

It's the fact it food that is causing the issue.

If you'd posted a photo of something your son had made - like an array of christmas decorations or something. If she came round and said, I'll have one of those please and you said, sorry we've given them all away to his friends. If she went off on one about you are always giving things away, his friends arent as important as me, you are so selfish. It would be clearer that she's being very unreasonable and just reacting because she wanted one.

Life is short. Too short to be upset either about a pie or someone going on about it being eaten.

Yes, I'd let her stew in her (rhubarb) juice a bit.

Yes @BeachPossum give her the portion to person ratio 🍰

For full world incineration:

"I've actually thought you've looked a bit tubby lately so didn't want to offer you something so fattening"

😈

They can dish it but they can never take it

Fucking hell!! I'm glad they are your ex-in laws!

No one forced you to read it or respond to it! Why are you acting like the OP has wasted all of our time? Go and read something else you think is so deserving of your precious attention!

1. If she continues on about it, I'd just ignore her, leave it a while then message her about something entirely different. Never mention the sodding pie again.
2. is an option, only if she is relentless.
3. Move house, don't leave a forwarding address.

Eventually you'll get to 3. I'd go straight there because I like the air to be clear. I've struggled a lot with food myself so recognise it in others and have a low tolerance to them imposing their own hang ups on me, I have enough to do to keep myself normal around food, let alone dealing with their nonsense too.

Gosh I wish all of us with difficult relationships with our parents had read your advice from the start. ‘Just let it go’ - so simple! Why didn’t we all think of that 😒

Sounds like she has a disorder. You could talk to her and say that you dont think she has a healthy relationship with food and that you don't want your kids to pick up the same problem. You don't have to b nasty but you have a right to defend your kids.