Can we please stop the "be the bigger person" narrative

[Dinosaurshoebox]

Constantly on here I see posters telling people they need to teach their children to "be the bigger person" and invite their bully to XYZ, to forgo doing something because it could upset the person who has wronged them and that they can't be petty(?!)

It's usually always little girls as well!

What outdated, misogynistic BS are we still teaching?!

No children, especially little girls do not have to accept poor treatment and learn that others have the ability to treat them poorly and that their reaction must be to pacify and present themselves as demure and non offensive beings who don't cause ripples.

I totally agree. Bad behaviour should have consequences.

Completely agree with you.

There were plenty of options for OP in that scenario that didn't involve being petty and attempting to ruin a 10 yo party.

You teach your kids to rise above that kind of things because overthinking it and trying to get revenge is a negative mindset that will make them miserable. They will meet shit people all their life, the best thing they can learn is to ignore them and focus on their (positive) actions.

It depends on the situation, especially when your kids are young as these can be "teaching moments" and set them up for life. Do you want them to be confident, mature and unaffected by people that don't matter or do you want them to be insecure, care what others think, and be obsessive 🤷🏼‍♀️ The problem with bullies is they don't care and won't remember you, the problem with the 'victim' is they'll always remember the bully, because you made that person important. Like I said though, it really depends on the situation.

You can still have strong boundaries whilst being the bigger person.

FWIW my mum is always the bigger person and has beena great role model. Her SILs are total bullies as an example, but she's played the long game and it's served her well. Guess who in their old age is happy and guess who's bitter and twisted.

Not if that entails forgoing your own wants and what makes you happy to pacify and ensure another person who wronged you gets their peace and happiness.

Absolutely, no one is saying to be a pushover. But that's far different from being petty or stooping to the other person's level.

This sounds very full on, like the plot of a revenge movie. Think we need some more context!

Choosing to do what you want for yourself is literally not caring what others think.

Doing what you want knowing that someone else may have a negative reaction that you choose to ignore is teaching how to be mature and unaffected.

The victim can be taught to choose their happiness, to do what they want and to forget what the bully thinks of them.

This!!!

Sometimes it's not about being the bigger person because of the results that will create for the other person, it's so that you don't become a petty, bitter person fixated on revenge. Best blooming revenge I can think of is to be a resilient, happy person unaffected by the people trying to bring you down. Let them be awful humans and don't even let their actions penetrate, that's like a blooming super power! If I can teach my kids to have it all wash off them like water off a ducks back and be content with life regardless of some of the fuckwittery out there I'll consider that a win!

Sorry but two wrongs don't make a right. There is standing up for yourself and then there is stopping to another person's level.

Much of this depends on the situation and context.
As this is likely to be based on the thread about a 10 year old child and everyone jumping on against them then this is exactly the time to be the bigger person and move on. It is horrifying how many adults were in agreement to do something spiteful to a child.

We can agree to disagree. Making choices based on someone who doesn't matter, doesn't sound very much like free choice. Like I said it depends on the situation, there's a fine line between drawing an Ace and looking like an obsessed saddo because you kept playing the game and pulled out the Joker. Good luck OP, I hope you get your revenge and it makes you feel better about yourself.

How is misogynistic?

being the bigger person isn’t about being a pushover.
it’s about Rising above bullshit in my opinion

I disagree. Teaching children to let things go is a good thing. Something are not worth fighting for. It is about seeing the bigger picture.

Just because someone challenges you, it don't mean you need to accept it. There are bigger issues to worry about. The ability to de-escalate is a very valuable tool to teach children.

I have no daughters, but I helped my mother massively with my youngest sister who is 17 years younger than me. I tell her and my dc to let's thing go.

Well said 👏
Rising above and not stooping to.

But when we're talking about a child wanting a party but they're told they can't invite the class unless they invite their bully how is that fair?

I'm not sure what you're taking about but they both sound like bullies. Also what does misogyny have to do with a child's party??!

In the thread in question, though, I think it’s fine to have your own party and not invite the other girl. The other girl invited OP‘s daughter, then uninvited her and bullied her in front of her friends in the playground. To be a bigger person doesn’t mean you have to invite her to your party, it just means you don’t need to behave in the same way as the other person. Thankfully, it doesn’t sound like she would. This be kind narrative is often really damaging to girls particularly when it’s kindness aimed towards somebody that isn’t showing them any at all.

So what’s the point in teaching your kids to get upset all the time about other people’s actions that they have no control over? Yes, getting upset over things is normal at times, but if they’re constantly reactionary about things it doesn’t help their emotional development and they end up constantly feeling victimised or inadequate.

It’s much better to build self esteem and confidence so if they do get bullied, they don’t internalise it so much. Teach them that bullying has nothing to do with them, it is to do with the bully full stop and isn’t indicative of their worth. It isn’t their fault so teach them to ignore it/ tell another adult.

It’s not ‘accepting it’, but just not allowing someone to treat you like shit and ending friendships if they do - instead of reacting by punching them in the nose or making the situation worse by arguing back 😂

Obviously, confident kids aren’t usually the ones who get bullied in the first place as bullies tend to choose those who aren’t so self assured.

That's the entire point!
Don't get upset. Simply live your life without thinking of the thoughts and feelings of those who wronged you.

You either teach your child to rise above conflict for inner peace or to fight for every right they perceive to be theirs and face a life of conflicts.

But you're suggesting to basically make your plans all around another person. That is getting upset, worse it's getting obsessive. That's why they say the best revenge is being happy

But that's constantly what is said on here.

You can't excluded someone from a party for any reason.
That by not inviting they are now bullying.
That they must be the bigger person and show that person how to be kind....

The OP was going to hold a party on a different day to the one her dd had been uninvited from (and was the only girl not invited, all because the party holder liked a boy who liked OP's dd) so people weren't saying she should ruin another party. Only that it was OK to hold her own party now she'd been uninvited and didn't have to invite the girl who uninvited her. Teaching girls to be doormats does them no favours.