Can we please stop the "be the bigger person" narrative

[Dinosaurshoebox]

Constantly on here I see posters telling people they need to teach their children to "be the bigger person" and invite their bully to XYZ, to forgo doing something because it could upset the person who has wronged them and that they can't be petty(?!)

It's usually always little girls as well!

What outdated, misogynistic BS are we still teaching?!

No children, especially little girls do not have to accept poor treatment and learn that others have the ability to treat them poorly and that their reaction must be to pacify and present themselves as demure and non offensive beings who don't cause ripples.

It applies to everyone im not talking about the other thread or parties. Im talking about life in general.

Absolutely! Why should Yabu life's unfair, you cant always get what you want Not apply to the bullies?
Their life lesson then is, be horrible to people, ride roughshod over people's feelings, but don't worry no consequences as they have to follow #bekind, and think of you before themselves!

Eh? It’s not the bully that’s being the bigger person by missing out on the party, it’s OP’s DD. She’s being the bigger person by being dignified and simply rescinding a party invite (totally proportionate) instead of stooping to the bullies level of nastiness. She’s just doled out an appropriate consequence and moved on. Would you invite someone you disliked because they bullied you to a party you were having?

I know. But people can have what they want. They can organsie and do things they want and not care about the thoughts and actions of those not important to them.

So why the "you can't always have what you wanta?" When in a majority of these scenarios you really can when you stop centering people who make you unhappy.

I think there's a time and a place for "be the bigger person"...I've said that to my DS1 before (confident, not bullied).

Example - when some slightly smaller kids purposely destroyed his sand creation at eurocamp and none of them spoke English/had any adults with them...in that case there was nothing to be done.
Or if you are on a day out with some big kids and some toddlers - sometimes you just need to let things go - toddlers are little hooligans when they are tired/hungry/too warm

Teaching kids they can have whatever they want is not good parenting. They will get massive shock when real life slaps them. If I let my kids have whatever they want they would never go to school would eat ice cream for breakfast, dinner and tea, wouldn't go to bed wouldn't bathe or clean their teeth and wouldn't tidy up after themselves and would demand every toy in a shop. Great parenting that.

Of course not.
But in this context it is.
As I said, in certain scenarios you absolutly can have what you want. Especially when the only obstacle is other people's expectations and demands. Which shouldn't affect them.

but society and others pressure them and enforce that its wrong.

Well, they don't actually. (Curious who "others" are if not part of society 🤔)

I totally agree with the sentiment of this thread

When I was a kid my mum told me off for not ‘going along’ with other people enough - in her opinion. This led me to be massively bullied and humiliated by all and sundry being a people pleaser.

This was so much the case that I’ve even had a criminal conviction some years ago cos I was set up by cruel people. When I said to my Dad at that time - but mum used to tell me off for not ‘going along’ with other people - my Dad - who thought my mum could do no wrong - said - maybe parents shouldn’t do this

But you cant control others actions only your own so teaching kids hate and revenge isnt helpful what is helpful is teaching them resilience and to move on from situations they cant control and to accept life is unfair sometimes.

Can you explain what is hateful and vengeful about choosing to do what you want and excluding those who dont bring you happiness?

It depends on the reason you are doing it, if your doing it because you dont want to spend time with a person absolutely nothing wrong with that if your purposely going out your way to be nasty to someone and excluding them for a reaction or trying to influence others to also be nasty that is wrong.

I think people pleasing is a really unhealthy trait to encourage (either consciously or subconsciously) in young people as it sets them up for all sorts of issues later in life. They need to know their voice matters and their feelings matter and that they don’t have to do things just to make others happy. This links with consent and body autonomy and self worth.

This teaching obviously has to be carefully balanced with the fact that they are part of a society and will have to do things they don’t want to do sometimes - for their job, for someone they love. You cannot lead a totally selfish life. But being selfish isn’t always a bad thing - boundaries, self care etc. are healthy selfish acts to encourage.

I think there is a big difference between people pleasing, healthy selfishness and then teaching children to ‘hit back’ - literally or metaphorically. Of course, defending yourself isn’t a bad thing in the moment but to plan to act purely out of spite when you’re hurt shouldn’t be encouraged. Nor should acting just to hurt someone else. Hurt shouldn’t create more hurt and seeking revenge is such a toxic mindset. So, as a totally random example, arranging a last minute party on the same day as someone else purely to steal focus and guests is a mean thing to do to a lot of people (the original hosts, the other children, their parents, your child if people say they’ve already rsvp-ed so can’t come). I don’t think any good lesson is taught there. On the flip side, I wouldn’t in a million years invite a child if they were bullying my child. I also wouldn’t let my child uninvite someone last minute because of a silly disagreement. I’d also not allow my child to invite all but one/two people in their class - either it’s a class party or it’s limited to a small number.

Taking the moral high ground isn’t necessarily about people pleasing. It’s about realising that you cannot control other people: their actions or their opinions about you. So if someone is mean to your kid, it’s not about showing them how to make someone else feel that pain (eg there’s a boy I like but he likes this other girl. That hurts so I’m going to make her feel that pain and uninvite her from a party). It’s about telling them it’s okay to feel sad and angry and that some people aren’t kind and that they need to realise that it’s not about them. Otherwise we’ll just have a load of point scoring kids who turn into point scoring adults who are out there seeking revenge when life doesn’t go to plan rather than looking at what they can control and what they can do to fix things.