Can we please stop the "be the bigger person" narrative

[Dinosaurshoebox]

Constantly on here I see posters telling people they need to teach their children to "be the bigger person" and invite their bully to XYZ, to forgo doing something because it could upset the person who has wronged them and that they can't be petty(?!)

It's usually always little girls as well!

What outdated, misogynistic BS are we still teaching?!

No children, especially little girls do not have to accept poor treatment and learn that others have the ability to treat them poorly and that their reaction must be to pacify and present themselves as demure and non offensive beings who don't cause ripples.

Yes, but that’s what I’ve always taken ‘’be the bigger person’’ to mean. As in don’t react, just ignore and move on, rather than make up with your bully or react aggressively. I haven’t read your other updates yet.

Well this is a taat,I can forgive the 10 year old for being mean becsuse they are 10,but some of the replies on the thread from presumably adult women are just plain nasty .

I don't want this to be a TAAT so we can't mention other threads, it's more the constant outrage and demands that children, usually girls, must "be kind" "be the bigger person" and teach others how to be kind.

To me it opens them up to abusive relationships.

It does if you teach them to be petty and obsessive about what other people think

But it is it wss very obvious what thread you were referring to.

This, have read the thread that assume this is about, and absolutely agree ops dd should have a party and not invite this girl to her party. The other girl sees no problem with having a party without mini @Dinosaurshoebox why would she be upset about not going to her party?

Agree

If this is a taat, it won't last long.

Was the child told in that scenario that they couldn't invite the bully? Or was it that both she and the mother didn't want someone in their home who had been name calling and ostrocizing them? I felt it was the latter, the mother was teaching her DD that you don't have to put up with people treating you like that. So we'll have our own end of term celebration, separate to the other and do something fun together during the other party. Because you don't have to be nice to a bully. If anything at several moments that thread was very little to do with being the bigger person,but think it got that way in the end. Or at least when I switched off.

Fwiw I agree that it shouldn't be a victims responsibility to teach anyone to be kind, and I am also sick of that narrative on everything. Rarely see a little boys t shirt with be kind written on it it's usually adventure is out there or something.

So yes in general in the world less of that narrative would be healthy. Not that everyone should stop being kind, but when it's at your own detriment most could have better boundaries

No it was leaving primary school party, mean girl had invited a mixed group of boys and girls including the Ops daughter 8 kids I total one of the boys the mean girl invited fancied the Op,s daughter so the Ops daughter waa uninvited confirmed by the mean girls mum ,saying you know what girls are like
The Op has a big house and swimming pool and was proposing to have another party for her dd some of the replies though were just plain nasty..

Nope. Your daughter doesn’t have to have someone at her party who is horrible to her and you don’t need to feel guilty for that. She can have who she wants there. To me, being the bigger person isn’t synonymous with being kind, but being dignified. Tell anyone disagreeing to get lost, politely 😂

No, there was a straw that broke the camels back on a site that consistently demands young girls conform to being kind and forgoing their own wants and needs when at the same time being dogmatic regarding "feminism"

Yabu life's unfair, you cant always get what you want. Saying be the bigger person means accepting something, being mature, being civil and moving on. Teaching children to be petty, vindictive, hateful, jealous and to always say it as it is are not good traits in human.

But surely that applies to the bullies. They can't have what they want and be horrible.
Often the victim can have what they want, a nice party, event, activity without the aggressor but society and others pressure them and enforce that its wrong. But it's not.

What's petty about a child asking for a lovely swimming party for example with all their friends, but not the person who makes them unhappy?

💯 this, I'm so surprised people can't see this, it's quite concerning really 😳

But im finding it very concerning that people dont see that there's nothing vindictive, petty or unfair about a child, who shouldn't be shouldered with the emotions and reactions of another child excluding someone who has actively chosen or even involuntarily caused them harm.
We should be teaching children to choose their happiness, to choose their peace. And that the consequences others have to face is not theor responsibility

If its the thread I think it is, I thought it was that the girl didn't invite the whole class only some girls, and then the OP was going to invite the whole class except that girl? That's very different, you're purposely leaving key information out.

Expect I'm not....because this isn't that thread.

Countless threads on here daily have the narrative that children can't do XYZ because it will upset someone else.

And that they must miss out under the guise of being the bigger person.

YANBU my Dad encouraged me to adopt this attitude with a bullying teacher

Like I said earlier, my mum is always the bigger person and has been a great role model. Unfortunately I'm not quite as great as she is, and I can be a little petty but I try not to. Life's better that way, and I think it's a happier way to live not being bothered what other people think or do.

I think you’re right with this to be honest. I don’t think it’s petty at all.

It’s okay saying you shouldn’t teach children to be petty but also you SHOULD teach children natural consequences of their actions. If they’re horrible to someone then they shouldn’t expect an invite to that child’s party and it should be clearly explained why so they’re given chance to see what they’ve done wrong and correct future behaviour.

Nobody should be forced in the company of someone they don’t want to be, either.

I've honestly never seen anything where it is said that a child should miss out on something to be a bigger and better person. I don't think anyone would say that 😑 if anything it's usually the other way around, on MN anyway!

I don't think you read the thread properly. OP original idea was to organise a party on the same day.

She then settled for a party on a different day, which IMO was the right solution.

Yep, and ‘do better’ - fuck off

This. The OP was stooping below the other persons level, with a bunch of people ready to lynch the mean girl (who was 10 by the way and the drama was all centred around a boy). It was all quite unhinged.