Making another go of our relationship with an alcoholic

[P0p]

Me and my partner having another go of our relationship we have a two year old son together too. My partner is an alcoholic but since we trying to give it ago he’s been good not drinking too much and being horrible with me we did have a argument on the 1st of July but it’s been two weeks and we’ve not had another one which is a good thing for me as we did it all the time. He is making more of an effort with our son but still making comments with me or trying to comment about my parenting but yet he just naps all day and leaves me to it to look after our son which that’s not changed since I came back to give it ago. I’m worried it won’t last long and that he will start being controlling and drinking again feel like he’s putting a front on. Has anyone been in a similar situation and been with an alcoholic? How long does the nice man last?

Could you set your bar any lower?

For goodness sake, have some pride and step up and be the parent your son needs, he only has one!

Your poor child. You sound utterly passive and unwilling to accept any responsibility for his living environment. He needs one of you to stop thinking of your own selfish needs and be a parent to him, ffs.

AA does work. Your partner is not making any effort. Please leave him as this will not be helpful to you or your son.

I wasted 12 years with an alcoholic. I have 3 wonderful kids from it, but literally nothing else. He ran up masses of debt in joint names i found out about after i left. He was a shit dad, his priority was never the kids, he would fake it for a few days but it never lasted. He had a job but put in minimal effort and never wanted to achieve anything. The two times we managed a holiday he was vile the entire time and ruined it for them. Id beg him to stop ans it would last a few weeks. Id break it off and he would beg me to return and he would get help, he never did. When i left he had them 3 times, i had to remove them the third time as he got drunk and our then 6 year old got (thankfully not significantly) injured. He never saw them again, as he refused to agree to supervised contact, and that was a decade ago. Hes done evil, vindictive things, reported me to social services for most abhorrent of reasons which thankfully SS saw through immediately and back up my reasoning for him not seeing them unsupervised. Though hes never tried to see them or contact them officially or otherwise. Ive never received CMS or the likes. Its just been on me, for 10 years to support and raise them - and its the best decision i ever made for all our wellbeing.

What do you actually get out of this?

What positives does he bring to your life?

I genuinely can’t understand how he makes your life better or easier.

If it didn’t work the first time then it’s not going to work the 2nd, 3rd, 4th etc time.

If he genuinely wants to make the relationship work, he needs to move out and get better by going to the gp, stopping drinking, getting a job and sorting himself out - before retrying the relationship.

My dad was an alcoholic. As an adult I can see more how he just couldn’t cope with life and have some empathy. But my siblings and I were all negatively affected by it significantly. For the sake of your child, I’d move on from the relationship. You must put yourself and your child first x

You've not been stupid, you've been abused. Coercion and control can be difficult to escape.

OP, I think you know what the right thing to do is. Wishing you strength. You deserve a better life than this, and so does your son.

Who is this person he is supposed to be seeing next month? Do they exist? What is he doing about his sleep apnoea? You don’t treat sleep apnoea by sleeping all morning. You say he is not “as aggressive” when sober - so he is still aggressive at times and controlling even when he isn’t drinking?

How much does he do around the house if he isn’t working? Are you doing all that for him as well?

I’m trying to work out what is in this for you and the child. I’m not seeing anything very positive to balance the negatives. He needs to go and address his drinking and lack of work first, get his life back on track and at that point try to navigate rebuilding a relationship when he has something worthwhile to bring to that relationship

You are trying, he is doing nothing. I would insist on him being teetotal or its finished.
He's doing nothing at home but criticise. This isn't him making a go of it. I'd be off. Goodbye.

Alcoholic or not, the man sounds like a fucking loser. He naps all day? Just so unappealing.

Get a man that sets his alarm, gets up, cracks on, helps with the kids, works, contributes to the home and gives you a kiss goodbye.

It’s much more likely AA didn’t work because you have to commit to abstinence and he didn’t want to. He has likely convinced himself he has control over his alcohol intake but you shouldn’t be taken in by him. Without his commitment to getting abstinence and significant intervention he will once again begin drinking heavily. Please save your child from being exposed to this man’s substance misuse because if you don’t he’s going to be significantly damaged, likely for life, and could well follow in his father’s foot steps.

Do you have to leave the flat OP as it's in his name? If so do you have somewhere to stay?

He is an alcoholic. He sleeps almost all day.

Yet he is criticizing YOUR parenting?

You feel sorry for him, don't you? Which is why you are making excuses for him.
How about feeling sorry for your son, the one person in this scenario who can't choose to leave?

If you stay then one day you will have to explain to your son why your prioritised his deadbeat alcoholic father over his wellbeing.

Dump him now and move away and never speak to him again. Why do you think you are worth this complete and utter loser?? He's done a number on you and is absolutely pathetic scum.

Going back to an alcoholic who promises to give up the drink is pointless, you know he will drink soon! He’s made an excuse not go to AA, so that shows he’s not willing to help himself.

I was in a relationship with an alcoholic for 11 years. The biggest regret of my life is that I didn't leave him long long before I did.

How long will the nice man last?
Hes already left with his shit remarks about your parenting.

for the sake of your kid, leave assp.

You are wasting your childs precious childhood.
This will only end one way.

After today I do need to leave as it just been how it always used to be from before I left .

He’s had a few appointments for the sleep apnea machine and he didn’t go and now obviously they’ve stopped contacting him which totally don’t blame them. And he cooks and does house work but other than that nothing! I’m not back at work yet but I’m going too as I need some of my life back. And someone at the job centre but I’m not 100% if it’s true and he’s just saying it to make me think he’s going back to work. And after today I do need to leave for good just gone straight back to how it used to be and I need to put my son first.

So sorry to hear that , my uncle was an alcoholic and he had 2 boys but sadly he didn’t really get to see them and the oldest one just used him basically because he was getting into trouble and I really don’t want my son to be like that when he’s older . I do need to put us two first I did before I left but then he was sending my letters telling me he would change and wanted to be a good dad for his son but I’m just wasting our time x

You know what nothing and he never puts my feelings into consideration I went back after we spit because he was sending me letters saying how much he change and tbh I’m wasting mine and my son especially time and I feel so guilty I wanna be able to be strong again like I was last time but not look back after this

Thing is, your life, should you stay with him, will consist of constantly being on tenterhooks, wondering how long he will be the current version of himself.

And in a few short years, your son will be stressed, wondering how long his dad will be the current version of himself.

Is being with someone really worth that?

Can I just say here that my son literally gets what he needs from me , love, healthy, happy, food, clothes , nappies , shoes and constantly gets my full on attention every single day and unconditionally love! I’m in a nightmare with his dad as he’s constantly giving me promises that mean absolutely nothing and I left in January and then he started sending me letters how much he wants to change for the better and be a good role model for our son, but obviously it’s fake and now I feel like I’m stuck in a situation where if I leave him he turn nasty. Before he sent me the letters after I left I was doing just great for me and my son without his dad around and then he tricked me into coming back, and now nothing changed I need to go for good this time and not look back because my son my world and I want him to be happy and successful in life and have a positive outlook on life he deserves the world. His dad has emotionally and mentally abused me which is a very hard situation to get out of. Yes I shouldn’t have come back but when you get promises after promises I was wishing and hoping it would work. So I don’t put my hands up and say I’m a bad mum!