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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Making another go of our relationship with an alcoholic

89 replies

P0p · 13/07/2025 08:14

Me and my partner having another go of our relationship we have a two year old son together too. My partner is an alcoholic but since we trying to give it ago he’s been good not drinking too much and being horrible with me we did have a argument on the 1st of July but it’s been two weeks and we’ve not had another one which is a good thing for me as we did it all the time. He is making more of an effort with our son but still making comments with me or trying to comment about my parenting but yet he just naps all day and leaves me to it to look after our son which that’s not changed since I came back to give it ago. I’m worried it won’t last long and that he will start being controlling and drinking again feel like he’s putting a front on. Has anyone been in a similar situation and been with an alcoholic? How long does the nice man last?

OP posts:

Whatafustercluck · 13/07/2025 08:41

If he was an alcoholic who had stopped drinking, and stayed off the alcohol for a long time, and was actually contributing significantly to your relationship and to being a father, then I might be saying something different. But honestly, it sounds like no good can come from the current situation. It worries me that you describe him as controlling. He doesn't sound like a good man, even aside from the alcoholism. Don't expose your son to this.

BCBird · 13/07/2025 08:41

Gets some accommodation, a job, sorts himself out and sees his child regularly. That is the best solution. As for person who listed all his ' attributes'. I agree. I don't want my taxes to pay for this🙄

TaborlinTheGreat · 13/07/2025 08:42

He tried AA and said it didn’t work for him as it’s group sessions he’s not been drinking everyday like he has before but I just worry that he will go back to that.

He's an alcoholic. He either stops altogether or he's drinking. There's no moderation for alcoholics. Of course he will go back to drinking every day. You are kidding yourself.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 13/07/2025 08:42

Why the fuck would you even try to "fix" this relationship?

You can't. He's an alcoholic who hasn't even tried to stop drinking. You're ruining both yours and your sons lives by going back.

Original poster

P0p · 13/07/2025 08:43

He’s not been drinking as much as he has in the past and he’s not been aggressive we are doing a 6 week trial but tbh I dont think it’s gonna work and the more I think about it I do wanna move on from this and just be me and my son. He is seeing someone next month about his problems but I just feel like he do it but then say it’s not helping.

OP posts:

HermioneWeasley · 13/07/2025 08:44

What on earth does he bring to your life or this relationship?

dump him and don’t take him back

DaisyChain505 · 13/07/2025 08:44

Please learn to love and respect yourself so much that you wouldn’t dream of putting up with a man like this.

Original poster

P0p · 13/07/2025 08:45

He is going to see someone next month about his problems and to go back to work but I just feel like he try it and then say it’s not working like he did with going to the AA

OP posts:

NeverDropYourMooncup · 13/07/2025 08:46

If he's 'napping' all day, he's drinking every moment you don't physically have eyes on him every day.

Usual things are strangely running out of milk/bread/nappies that he has to go out to get 'for you', spending slightly longer in the toilet (to get the drink out of the cistern/from behind the bath panel), a need to 'tidy things up' in the loft or shed or being in the kitchen (perfect hiding spot is behind the kickboards at the bottom of the units or underneath the oven), getting up a bit earlier than usual or not being able to sleep.

Don't put yourself through all of it again.

chicola · 13/07/2025 08:46

If he’s not going to AA then nope. Also I don’t like the not so aggressive. He shouldn’t be at all aggressive. You’ll be better without him and your child definitely will.

Original poster

P0p · 13/07/2025 08:47

I actually did this when we split then he started sending me letters and managed to get me back which is stupid on my part from believing it cause even though he’s not drinking crazy like he did before I still feel like it’s gonna happen again and I need to leave for good for my son sake.

OP posts:

Original poster

P0p · 13/07/2025 08:47

I agree

OP posts:

Shayisgreat · 13/07/2025 08:48

See, lots of alcoholics have great intentions but you can't rely on great intentions.

My DH also has lots of reason why stopping drinking right now isn't a great idea and why his business isn't working out and why it is fine for him to sleep a lot of the day and why his drinking isn't as bad as other "real" alcoholic's drinking and why his health problems have nothing to do with his alcohol use but it amounts to the same thing - he's not a reliable partner or father and it is shit for me and DS.

You did the hard part by breaking up with him once - just stick with it until he has proven over a reasonable length of time (a year) that he can sustain sobriety and maintain a job. Otherwise you're enabling him (like I'm enabling my alcoholic husband)

Original poster

P0p · 13/07/2025 08:49

He does say he needs to go to shop to get a drink of pop or some food and then we have came back he would try and sneak a drink but I always could tell he had a drink or hear him opening the lid

OP posts:

BookArt55 · 13/07/2025 08:50

Move out. When he has been completely sober so a good period of time, like 6 months, and is showing consistent behaviour and effort to you and your son then you could possibly consider trying the relationship again. However, right now he hasn't stopped his addiction, this is the honeymoon period so this is as good as it gets and likely to slip a little or a lot.
Also, sleep apnea- does he have the CPAP machine? Then he shouldn't need more sleep than others.
What does he actually give to your life?
Would you be happy if your son grew up to be like him? Staying means you are showing your son this behaviour is acceptable.
Please leave, don't go back. I understand the guilt of your son not living with his two parents. But he will then have one parent who will prioritise him and love him, and have a safe home with him, and that is what he needs. Not a mum tip toeing around dad, being worried about what reaction you might get that day.
Wishing you luck.

Original poster

P0p · 13/07/2025 08:52

Yes they have good intentions but can’t rely on them whatsoever, and he always said he didn’t drink in the week while we spilt but then drank in the week when I was there or way before I left the flat permanently cause I don’t have my name on the flat since last September. I just want him clear from it all

OP posts:

BillyWind · 13/07/2025 08:52

Waiting for some to inevitably fuck up is no way to live.
You and your child deserve more than this.

PrepStarRunner · 13/07/2025 08:53

You can't save him, but you can save your child from the hell that is growing up with an alcoholic parent. Leave.

Stoppedlurking4this · 13/07/2025 08:54

He's an alcoholic. He needs to completely stop. I know what it's like when someone promises and promises you feel like you should give them a chance to get better but sometimes the best thing you can do is leave them to it. If they get completely off the drink and make a real effort for themselves then they may be able to be a half decent parent at least but you need to be the one keeping your DS safe in case he doesn't. He doesn't seem like he's making much effort at all.

MounjaroMounjaro · 13/07/2025 08:54

So him on his best behaviour is him sleeping all the time and sniping at you about the way you look after your child and telling you he does everything?

You deserve so much better, OP. Next thing he'll be back on the drink (he's already started, hasn't he) and blaming you. If it wasn't for you, he wouldn't need a drink, etc.

Courgettezuchinni · 13/07/2025 08:55

Your DH needs to move out and continue therapy to work on why he needs to passively selfmedicate lifes disappointments with drink rather than actively trying to make positive changes . Your child deserves better than growing up in such an atmosphere.

Zanzara · 13/07/2025 08:56

This is a Very Very Bad Idea.

He doesn't sound very good even now, when he's "making an effort".

You were not put on this earth to be a rehabilitation centre for shit men OP, and neither was your son.

Stripeyanddotty · 13/07/2025 08:56

Poor kid. He has 2 shit parents. He will have zero chance of a happy childhood.

xWildFlowerx · 13/07/2025 08:57

Please just leave this person. I was the child in this situation. My bio father was an alcoholic since I can remember, he emotionally abused me and my mum and I also saw and heard her being physically abused. There was also financial abuse and most of the time we had literally no money at all for food and clothes as he'd steal it all to use on alcohol.

We went to a women's refuge when I was 12 but my mum then forced me and my sisters to go back to live with him when I begged her not to. And guess what, I was right. He didn't 'change' at all - everything went back to exactly how it was within a year. I was very damaged from this, among other things I self harmed and started using alcohol and drugs myself at 14, but she still wouldn't leave him. She left him again when I was 16 (after I told my school what was going on) but a few months later was saying that we were going back to him again! Thankfully he died a few weeks later from alcohol related issues and it was honestly the best day of my life because finally I was free. If she had gone back to him yet again I'd have simply just ran away from them.

My relationship with my mum was very damaged for a long time, it did improve when I had my first child at 19 but we are still not very close now 8 years later. It really hurts that she never put me first.

This man has already started treating you badly, showing that he's clearly not 'changing'. I'd say that your child will be very grateful to you if you left and you would save them a life of possible mental health issues/drug and alcohol use or whatever else later in life as a result of living with this man. I know it's really hard but what's best for you and your child is leaving.

Ahsheeit · 13/07/2025 08:58

The pain he has is caused by nerve damage due to his drinking. He's still deep into alcoholism and the alcohol will come first in everything. If he really wants to be a family, then you need to separate whilst he accesses the help he needs. This isn't going to go away, and this quieter period won't last.

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