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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ignored by friend for trying to be considerate

55 replies

Scarlypopsmummy · 13/07/2025 06:25

I booked a lunch to celebrate my birthday and invited a few friends. One friend had been very physically ill the week leading up to it and was still on morphine for pain. The night before the meal, her grandma died after a long illness.
I wanted to give her an 'out' as a lunch out celebrating someone's birthday might be the last thing she wanted to do. It was going to be difficult enough physically for her.
She is a people pleaser and will go along with things then moan about them later. When she messaged to say she was still coming, I said she's been through a lot and maybe its not a good idea. I would come and see her instead. I thought this would make it easier to drop out if she wanted.
She messaged ok and hasn't replied, even though she's clearly been on WhatsApp since. Was IBU to send her an out message?

OP posts:
Mulledjuice · 13/07/2025 06:27

said she's been through a lot and maybe its not a good idea.

That's not offering an Out. That's uninviting her.

Groundhogday2025 · 13/07/2025 06:28

Mulledjuice · 13/07/2025 06:27

said she's been through a lot and maybe its not a good idea.

That's not offering an Out. That's uninviting her.

This.

PollyBell · 13/07/2025 06:28

Why couldn't it be left up to them to decide?

Original poster
Scarlypopsmummy · 13/07/2025 06:29

Mulledjuice · 13/07/2025 06:27

said she's been through a lot and maybe its not a good idea.

That's not offering an Out. That's uninviting her.

Is that how it reads? If I was sent that and I wanted to go, I'd just reply and confirm i was fine to come, looking forward to it etc

OP posts:
GospelOakCloak · 13/07/2025 06:31

Yeah it could be seen as patronising as though you’ve made your mind up for her or she thinks you don’t want her to go

Original poster
Scarlypopsmummy · 13/07/2025 06:31

PollyBell · 13/07/2025 06:28

Why couldn't it be left up to them to decide?

It is her decision. Due to past experiences I know she has gone along with things she really didn't want to do. I've known her for over 20 years and been on the other end of these conversations.

OP posts:
ThymeandBasil · 13/07/2025 06:31

The impression you have probably given to her is that you didn't want her to attend because she would put a damper on the occasion.

If I were her I would feel very hurt. And disappointed because it would probably have helped lift her spirits.

Original poster
Scarlypopsmummy · 13/07/2025 06:32

GospelOakCloak · 13/07/2025 06:31

Yeah it could be seen as patronising as though you’ve made your mind up for her or she thinks you don’t want her to go

Fair point.

OP posts:
PinkyFlamingo · 13/07/2025 06:32

Scarlypopsmummy · 13/07/2025 06:29

Is that how it reads? If I was sent that and I wanted to go, I'd just reply and confirm i was fine to come, looking forward to it etc

Show quote history

That's exactly how it reads

LillyPJ · 13/07/2025 06:33

It depends on the exact wording. If you wrote 'you've been through a lot so maybe it's best if you don't come', that wouldn't be good. 'You've been through a lot so I'll understand if you don't feel up to it, but we'd love to see you if you still want to come' would sound more welcoming.

xSideshowAuntSallyXx · 13/07/2025 06:33

I wouldn't have messaged her anything. It's up to her if she wants to go, she's an adult and is capable of making her own mind up. It comes across like you've made the decision for her and don't actually want her to go.

Moonnstars · 13/07/2025 06:34

She is an adult and can speak for herself. You giving her an out sounds like you are treating her as a child.
She has had a lot going on so is maybe looking forward to something nice and a bit of normality. You messaging her like that sounds like you don't want her to come and you think she will bring the mood down/focus won't be on you for your birthday.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 13/07/2025 06:37

It read as you saying she can’t come rather than giving her the option. Thats why she’s off with you. It must have felt like another loss in her week. You could send a message explaining you’re sorry for the message being worded wrongly. Good luck.

Lactofull · 13/07/2025 06:37

She messaged ok and hasnt replied

to what?

she messaged “ok”

Lactofull · 13/07/2025 06:38

You have patronised this woman Op
You have now started a thread about her ignoring you when patently she did reply to you

Original poster
Scarlypopsmummy · 13/07/2025 06:38

Ok thanks everyone. Helpful to see it from this perspective.

OP posts:
pincklop · 13/07/2025 06:39

You could have just sent a message for her, don’t even mention you and your party. Leave it up to her to either come or don’t and can give her a pass to not even have to message on the night.
she’s been ill and her grandma died, that’s a good enough reason to cancel if she wants you can’t think you are right to decide for her. You come across as you don’t want her at your party in case she isn’t in the mood to make it all about you. You f***ed her off 😆

Original poster
Scarlypopsmummy · 13/07/2025 06:39

Lactofull · 13/07/2025 06:37

She messaged ok and hasnt replied

to what?

she messaged “ok”

To any of my further messages about her health etc

OP posts:
InALonelyWorld · 13/07/2025 06:41

Ouch OP that wasn't an out you gave her, it was an "i dont think you should come" response.

I know people are different but immediately after my DGM died everyone else went straight into grieving (many in their own way) and mine didn't hit until later as I had to go straight into practical mode for my DGD and my children. A meal out with friends would probably have been a nice escape from that and a sense of "normality."

To me the message reads as if you were expecting her to be grieving in a certain way at this point and maybe she was or maybe she wasnt but she told you she was still coming, I don't understand why you sent that message to get her to state again that she did infact want to still come.

Lactofull · 13/07/2025 06:41

Scarlypopsmummy · 13/07/2025 06:39

To any of my further messages about her health etc

Show quote history

Well you’re going to see her in person aren’t you

and perhaps she’s waiting for in person chat

either way…. Stop patronising the poor woman, stop starting threads about her to discuss her behaviour, and maybe stop messaging her and wait to be with her in person

Huggersunite · 13/07/2025 06:41

To be honest that comes across as ‘you don’t want her at lunch’ and reading further between the lines if you were in a bad spot so soon after a relative died, ‘you don’t want her at lunch in case she puts a downer on things’. That does not come across as an out at all.

Original poster
Scarlypopsmummy · 13/07/2025 06:42

Lactofull · 13/07/2025 06:41

Well you’re going to see her in person aren’t you

and perhaps she’s waiting for in person chat

either way…. Stop patronising the poor woman, stop starting threads about her to discuss her behaviour, and maybe stop messaging her and wait to be with her in person

Show quote history

Good plan.

OP posts:
Trickabrick · 13/07/2025 06:42

Huggersunite · 13/07/2025 06:41

To be honest that comes across as ‘you don’t want her at lunch’ and reading further between the lines if you were in a bad spot so soon after a relative died, ‘you don’t want her at lunch in case she puts a downer on things’. That does not come across as an out at all.

Yeah that’s how I’d read it too.

Lactofull · 13/07/2025 06:43

OP… your other thread is about People ignoring you in public

are you ok?

MNOP · 13/07/2025 06:47

Congratulations OP. In a week your friend has gone through illness requiring morphine, a family member dying and now you telling them you don’t want them to come to your party.

Aren’t you just the best friend. Gold fucking star to you.