Ignored by friend for trying to be considerate

[Scarlypopsmummy]

I booked a lunch to celebrate my birthday and invited a few friends. One friend had been very physically ill the week leading up to it and was still on morphine for pain. The night before the meal, her grandma died after a long illness.
I wanted to give her an 'out' as a lunch out celebrating someone's birthday might be the last thing she wanted to do. It was going to be difficult enough physically for her.
She is a people pleaser and will go along with things then moan about them later. When she messaged to say she was still coming, I said she's been through a lot and maybe its not a good idea. I would come and see her instead. I thought this would make it easier to drop out if she wanted.
She messaged ok and hasn't replied, even though she's clearly been on WhatsApp since. Was IBU to send her an out message?

If that's exactly how you wrote it then it could easily have been interpreted as you asking her not to come. I'm not surprised she hasn't continued a conversation with you, she's probably upset.

That message reads as "don't come, I don't want you being sad around my birthday". If I got such a rude and thoughtless message from a supposed friend, I too would reply ok then you would never see me again. It isn't just "another perspective", you need to accept you have massively fucked up and try to put it right.

I'd have assumed you didn't want me there based on this message, if that is what you wrote.

When she messaged to say she was still coming, I said she's been through a lot and maybe its not a good idea. I would come and see her instead. I thought this would make it easier to drop out if she wanted.

Unfortunately that sounds like you didn't want her there because she'd ruin the mood.
You uninvited her.

Why did you not just say…hey, I know you’re having a really tough week but I just wanted to let you know that you don’t HAVE to come to my birthday celebrations, I totally understand if you pass on that if you’re not feeling up to it. I would love to see you though so I can call in on x day if that suits. Thinking of you. Let me know how you’re feeling closer to the time.

Having reread the OP, it sounds like the meal has already happened but it doesn't sound like you actually went to visit her like you said? Is this right? If so I can understand why she's ignoring you more now.

Gosh @Scarlypopsmummyif I was your friend in this situation I’d be ignoring you too.
She’s been through a difficult time and may have been looking forward to a meal out with friends and getting a bit of sympathy/support. Instead she finds herself abruptly uninvited. Unfortunately it reads as though you don’t want her there because she’ll bring the mood down.
If you genuinely did only send that message with her best interests at heart I would try messaging or ringing and apologising and explaining your intentions.

The one word answer indicates she's probably really upset. It does read to me don't come as you'll put a dampener on my birthday. Which lacks any empathy and makes you look self centred. I'd go and speak to her and explain what you meant.

You told another adult its not a good idea for her to come? That sounds like you're basically uninviting her and that she'd bring the mood down!

Why not have just told her there was no pressure to come if she wasn't up to it?
She might have been looking forward to a distraction.

It was a kind thought but you phrased it unbelievably badly.
You should have PMd her privately saying "you've been through so much, I cant wait to see you but PLEASE dont feel forced to come - if you need to cancel its totally understandable, we can always rearrange. Whatever you need x"

You told her not to come and you’ll visit her instead. Of course she’s upset, she was probably looking forward to coming for a distraction and you told her you didn’t want her there. Did you even go and visit her like you said you would?

Dear God how rude are you? You uninvited her!

Remember she will be getting a lot of messages right now, due to her bereavement and is probably struggling to keep up with them all. especially on top of any she would have received about her own health.

A better way of phrasing it would have been “I’d love to see you tomorrow but if you don’t feel up to it, I totally understand.”

Your way has basically told her not to come. Did you not realise how it sounded?

It sounds like you’ve uninvited her. I understand you’re trying to be kind but she may have been looking forward to getting out for a little bit and being distracted from feeling sore and upset.

I think either you leave her be or you message her and explain that you were only thinking of her and would still love for her to attend if she feels up to it- but I would expect her to say no though.

You need to apologise if this friend means anything to you. She's been ill and lost a family member then her friend uninvites her to something she might have been really looking forward to. It sounds like you didn't want her there ruining your birthday because she might put a downer on the occasion ( but you would still go to her house, potentially for her to give you a gift). This is narcissistic and selfish. It was up to her to suggest not going and if you had to ask, you could have said it in so many better ways.

its patronising - surely she is old enough to decide if she is coming or not if invited. It wasn't your call. You, in short, told her not to come. You may have been well intended but it comes across very rude.

It was very badly written. If you sent me that I’d be thinking go fuck yourself.

Also your assumed response that it’s fine (if it had been you) is from a place of no illness and no bereavement. So a breezy that’s fine is unrealistic.

You mentioned that she was a people pleaser OP. The thing is, I feel that the reason people pleasers are as they are is that people throughout their lives have been overriding their decisions etc. They often lack confidence in turn and are then patronised by others. It’s a vicious circle. So by doing what you did OP you’ve just resisted the behaviour they’ve always been at the receiving end of

I can see you meant well and understand your reasoning for the message. I can be clumsy in text and come across abrupt, now I write the message and then read it again to ‘fluff it up’ after a telling off from my sister.

Maybe you’re in my boat and need to fluff too! Either way, it wasn’t intentional and I’m sure you’ll clear it up face to face.

As everyone has said, you have majorly messed up with your choice of words. Telling her you completely understand if she wasn't feeling up to it is one thing, but you didn't give her a choice, you basically told her she wasn't welcome. After being ill then her relative dying she might have really needed some normality and to get out the house for a bit.

You should apologise then ask to take her for lunch or something. I'm sure she's spent enough time at home so your offer to go see her (did you actually go?) might not have been her preferred option.

Id go to see your friend asap with a bunch of flowers and an apology

This is the importance of appropriate boundaries. One of their many functions is to mark where you end and other people begin. They delineate what you are responsible for and what you are not responsible for.

You are not responsible for another adults choices. If an adult chooses to people-please, then that is on them. If they moan to you, then is the time to have an honest conversation about how they brought that on themself.

What is not appropriate is deciding to 'give them an out'. I've never known anyone take an 'out' anyway - you see it on here all the time, how women give a man who is treating them badly 'an out', and they don't take it, because they are enjoying having their cake and eating it.

Similarly, a people-pleaser would be unlikely to take an out, because of not wanting to let someone down. but what you did was uninvite her.

If this is an example of you often taking responsibility for other people's emotions and decisions, you might want to take a look at your own boundaries and (differently expressed) people-pleasing tendencies.

Give her a call and say you didn’t write the text in the way it was intended and you’re sorry, you would love for her to come of course. Your message came across as rude, condescending and parental.