AIBU to not let DD drop out of music tour because her violin has to go under the coach?

[ToInfiniteaAndBeyond]

DD is due to go on her school’s week-long music tour to Italy in two weeks’ time. This is a trip that takes place every two years - the school orchestras and chamber choir spend a week travelling around, sightseeing in the day and doing concerts in the evenings.

This year they’re going to Tuscany - about 50 girls and 8 teachers will be travelling 24 hours by coach to get there. Obviously, the coach will be pretty packed, so the girls have been told that any instruments bigger than a flute/clarinet will have to go in the luggage store under the coach. DD is a violinist so her violin falls into this category.

However, there are a few violinists at the school who have extremely valuable violins (probably worth £10,000+). These girls are all musical prodigies from extremely musical families.

They seem to have quietly been given an exemption from this rule and will be allowed to have their violins next to them on the coach (I imagine their parents wouldn’t allow them to go on the trip in any other circumstances).

DD’s violin is pretty much worthless in monetary terms, but it is of huge sentimental value to her. It belonged to her beloved grandmother, who recently died. It’s German-made from the 1850s and rather beautiful, but it’s not from a famous violin maker and only the body is original. When her grandmother gave it to her a few years ago - having not played for 20 years after developing arthritis in her hands - we found it was in very poor condition. We paid to have it restored so that DD could play it, but everything apart from the body had to be replaced.

DD feels that the sentimental value of her violin is equal to the monetary value of the other girls’ violins, and means she should also be allowed to have it with her on the coach. I’m sympathetic to this, and have asked the school, but have been told that there just isn’t room on the coach for anyone else to have their instrument with them.

DD is now saying she’d rather not go on the trip at all, as she’s so worried that harm will befall her violin. While I understand her concern, she hadn’t mentioned this once before she found out about the other girls’ being given an exemption. It only seems to have become an issue for her when she found out that it didn’t apply to absolutely everyone. She seems very offended by the suggestion that these girls’ violins are more important than hers, when they’re all ‘equally irreplaceable.’ I think she also has a bit of an inferiority complex with the super-musical girls - she’s a great violinist, and works very hard, but she doesn’t have their level of effortless talent and definitely won’t be making music her career.

I really don’t want her to drop out at this stage - we’ve already paid for the trip, and I think she’ll end up really regretting it if she misses it. Swanning around Tuscany for a week and performing music with her friends sounds utterly wonderful. Additionally, I asked the music teachers and not a single instrument has been lost or damaged in all the years they’ve been running this trip - so DD is almost certainly worrying about nothing.

She’s not a defiant child, and if I tell her she’s getting on that coach, she will. Am I being unfair to insist she goes?

ffs. OP has!
I don't understand why people bother to respond if they can't even be arsed to read the first post properly. Even more so when their suggestion is the most blindingly obvious one that unless the OP is a complete idiot of course they would already have tried.

If the school is so music focussed that they can do week long foreign trips and teach teenage prodigies then surely they'll have a spare violin she can play and keep her grandmother's one at home?

Yes it's unfair that the other girls can keep theirs with them, but life's unfair. As you say, it's probably a case of if they couldn't keep theirs with them they wouldn't go, and because they are so good the school was willing to make that compromise. Whereas if your dd made the same threat they'd probably just say 'Well that's a pity.' It would be different if these girls were only being prioritised because of their wealth but in real life people do get advantages due to great talent.

Tbh it sounds more likely to me that a teenage girl wandering around with mates is more likely to lose or damage a violin than one kept safely in the hold.

When the grandmother has the violin it wasn't a sentimental heirloom and she may not have cared what happened to it so I wouldnt suggest using that as a measure

It sounds like the daughter goes to an expensive private school that has come very rich parents, it's a little naive imo to think that there will be equitable treatment of all the students

Not saying it's right, just the way of the world

Team daughter.

The rich kids parents could easily afford to replace, dd's cannot be replaced.

It's unfair for the girls to have different rules

Look up "Min Kym Stradivarius".

One of the most MN threads ever. Superb stuff.

I admire her taking a stand against unfair treatment and no I wouldn't force her to go.

My one addition to this advice is maybe add an AirTag or similar to the case so there is not thought of it getting lost.

But yes what about those with Cellos or Double Basses or trombones etc. None of which are cheap

This has to be the most middle class thread on mn. Ever!😂

Unfortunately I think this is the answer. You won’t change the schools mind, monetary value counts for them while sentimental value does not.

i play music. Some instruments are expensive and I don’t use them for some gigs, I use cheaper ones.

edited to add : I’m presuming that an affordable one can be bought with the same quality and playability as the important one. I’m thinking that while it’s important as an heirloom that doesn’t make it such high quality it can’t be matched in an affordable way

Can you source a non valuable non sentimental violin for travelling? Just for the sentimental reason I would avoid that travelling

I think the school are BU. I don't blame your dd for how she feels, it is really unfair.

It would be awful for her to miss these trip though so I think you just need to try your best to persuade her that yes it is really unfair, but it's not worth missing an amazing trip for.

The rich kids parents could easily afford to replace...

How do you know they are 'rich kids' and their parents could easily afford it? A pp has said they are able to access instruments they could never afford through a rental scheme. And are bound by the conditions of the scheme.

Agree with pp, there is a really unpleasant attitude on this thread to these talented girls, none of whom are likely to be personally responsible for the decisions that have been made.

I do think that the school should have the same rule for all and agree with your daughter.

I know it sounds basic, but what about a box with bubble wrap or foam for the hold? (As in the cased violin is put into a padded box) This will regulate the temperature and offer crush protection.

I also agree with other PP’s that perhaps there is some trepidation about the trip

I’d get her or hire her a cheaper instrument for the trip.

I see your daughter's point, it's a bit first and second division isn't it?

It might help a bit to expand the world view. At the moment her world seems to be just her school orchestra and these particular girls. But the world in general, things like violins must go in things like coach luggage racks all the time surely. PP have mentioned cellos. Harps perhaps? Similarly in snooker your cue is very special, like an extension of you. Even top world champions usually own just one playing cue. Similarly to violins they are wooden, can cost thousands and need to be treated with respect - they are kept at room temp, eg never left in a car overnight and should always be stored flat. But no matter how special, how vital to a professional player's career, how carefully husbanded, they all have to go in the aircraft hold on flights. No one, even a world champion, is allowed to bring a great big stick into the cabin. The airtag or hiring a violin are both good ideas, but hiring one leaves a bit of a bad taste that there are the haves and the have nots. The insurance angle is a good thought.

It would be a bitter pill for her to swallow if it turns out there is an extra seat after all, or storage space above or between the seats...

It is really cool that she cares so deeply about the family connection.

It’s possible that above a certain value the insurance is void if the instrument is in the luggage compartment?

I'm with the suggestion of a rented instrument. Also think that the exemption should have been for all violins (and perhaps some other instruments).

Agree. What an elitist viewpoint from the school.

As a parent of 3 musical kids I completely understand your daughter. An instrument is like another arm. It is part of you and your daughter should be treated no differently from others. I wouldn’t want my viola player to put his instrument anywhere other than he could see it. For those suggesting using other stand in violins it simply not the same. You really can’t switch that easily and create the same

I think the school are being ridiculous. Either the instruments are properly insured to go in the hold and the hold is ok for instruments, in which case they should ALL be down there, or it's not, in which case they need to rearrange their transport so ALL the instruments are in the coach. That being said, even professional musician sometimes have to put their instruments in luggage areas, so if they can do it, so can your DD actually.

Same

Presumably she has a violin case, so get one of those aluminium flight cases made which will fit her violin in its case. Theatre pros travel all over the world with pretty delicate electronic things in flight cases. It'd be no bigger than a standard suitcase.

I think the suggestion to rent is very good.
Bending the rules for some does not sit well with me and I would let the school know that this is not acceptable.
Support your daughter in her love and value of her violin and her objection to the unfairness of different rules for different people. Why aren't they renting is a reasonable question.
I hope she does go as it sounds like a wonderful trip.
It is important to validate her reasonable objections I believe, she will remember your support, whilst wanting her to go.

I think your DD is correct that it is unfair. However, I think her response to that is not a good one.

While I understand her annoyance, the truth is these unfairnesses happen in life, and throwing her toys out of the pram by not going only harms her (and your pocket) in the long run. There is clearly a space issue in which case I doubt the school will come running to placate her and so its a pretty clear case of cutting off her nose to spite her face. She just misses out - and you pay.

While the rationale of some violins being worth more is certainly one that grates, it isn't entirely illogical (even if its a bit elitist and would annoy me too in DD's position). But life is full of these slights and we all have to learn how best to navigate them in a mature way that doesn't always allow us to stamp our foot as loudly as we'd like to, but rather often requires us to step back and look at the bigger picture. Does anyone really care if she says she isn't going? There will be more space, and its you, OP, who will carry the financial hit. The cool-headed response here is for her to ask for a spare school violin, or rent one, or simply pack it well and accept that it might be just as safe packed properly below. One never knows how these things play out. The ones on board might all fly off the overhead lockers on a sharp bend.

That said, in terms of renting, I do think people are being a little heedless of the fact that picking up one instrument isn't the same as playing one you have practised on. But if she really feels the violin will suffer properly packed in the luggage hold, renting is still a better option than missing out entirely.

Personally I'd just pack it carefully and take it, so no, op, I don't think YABU. Would she be so upset if everyone had to put it in the hold? In other words, is there a substantive issue or just a political one? If its the latter, sometimes we serve ourselves best by getting over it.