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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is it ever ok to discuss someone’s weight?

16 replies

4pmwinetimebebeh · 12/07/2025 20:07

I would never ever usually mention someone’s weight- absolutely none of my business, and perhaps this isn’t too.
However MIL is morbidly obese, she’s only 55 but already has mobility issues (painful joints, can’t walk for long, struggles on big stairs etc). She works full time but drives everywhere, never exercises etc. She never goes to the GP and despite being aware her BP was high never checked it.
Last year she had a TIA (mini-stroke) related to undiagnosed (but bloody obvious…) hypertension and high cholesterol. She’s now on all the medication she needed and Bp under control. I spoke to her at the time (im a nurse) about various things as she asked me about her meds etc etc and said it would be a great opportunity for health overhaul, talked about healthy eating and got her a recipe book for heart health which she seemed pleased with.
One year later she’s bigger than ever, mobility getting worse. She’s very ‘I take my medications so that’s sorted now’ but she’s still high risk for so many health issues. Can I speak to her about it? I think she’d be a really good candidate for the weight loss jabs as it would be so hard for her to do it on willpower alone as her lifestyle is so ingrained. But I feel rude and overstepping, I couldn’t care less how she looks I want her to live a long time for DH and her grandkids but any weight conversations are so awkward.
Im sure the overwhelming responses will be she’s aware and to leave it which I know is probably right. I will just feel awful if she has a massive MI and dies or is in a care home for 30 years.

OP posts:
Dearg · 12/07/2025 20:18

I haven’t voted as I am not sure what either vote means. But in general, a woman of 55 , of average or above intelligence in the UK, will know the risks that obesity poses to her health.

I am not entirely sure how, but can you ask her if there is any help / support you can give her to maintain her health? Emphasising that you want her to be able to be with and play with her grandchildren. Possibly taking the emphasis from weight to health in general - things like being able to run/ walk with kids etc.

It does really depend on how close you two are.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 12/07/2025 20:20

It's OK if they ask or mention it.

But she knows, you know. She knows she's massively overweight. She doesn't want to do anything about it.

(I am a recent convert. Was obese, not bothered even though it was starting to limit me. Got a diagnosis, made some changes, lost 3.5st and another half to go. I knew. I didn't want to do anything about it. Until I did.)

TaborlinTheGreat · 12/07/2025 20:21

It has to come from her. She can't be unaware of the health risks, even though she is taking meds.

LlynTegid · 12/07/2025 20:22

Talking with them yes, not behind their back.

StrangledVowels · 12/07/2025 20:24

Trust me, she knows, and it won’t get sorted until she herself makes the decision to do it. She might never do so, but she’s a grown woman. If it comes from anyone, it needs to be her doctor - I’d be surprised if they haven’t mentioned it already.

ObliviousCoalmine · 12/07/2025 20:34

Do you think she’s not aware?

MYOB.

selkieselkie · 12/07/2025 20:35

If the TIA didn't give her a wake up call then I doubt you speaking to her will have much effect, sadly.

SilenceInside · 12/07/2025 20:38

If she hasn’t lost weight after being hospitalised with the TIA and the other conditions, then she isn’t going to respond to you raising it with her. She’ll know her weight is a problem and damaging her health, but for whatever reason she isn’t able mentally/psychologically to address it. I’m not sure how you could help with that, unfortunately.

Hankunamatata · 12/07/2025 20:40

No
She knows. She is choosing not to follow any medical advice she has been given

stichguru · 12/07/2025 20:46

Have you any idea why she's ignoring it? I don't know. I guess like others have said, unless she's got quite severe learning problems, she will know she needs to lose weight. If she's decided she doesn't want to that's up to her. My thought though, is maybe she is struggling to start and would like help. So hard to know.

Anabellie · 12/07/2025 20:54

What about discussing a plan of action with your husband first, about how best to approach. 55 is no age and such a shame to be reducing life expectancy when she seems to have such a lovely family to live for. I agree with the PP that it has to come from the person and I wasn’t ready to do anything about it myself but several comments from family/friends over a period of time, said in a supportive rather than critical way, finally spurred me into action. Best of luck to you ❤️

Funnywonder · 12/07/2025 21:04

You really can’t say anything. You can have as many thoughts and worries as you like, but you need to keep them inside your head, otherwise you will come across as critical, judgemental and patronising, even though that isn’t your intention. There is, quite honestly, no ‘nice’ way of telling someone you think they need to lose weight. None.

InfoSecInTheCity · 12/07/2025 21:15

I think as a nurse and someone who cares about her that it would be a good thing to have a conversation with her about Mounjaro and ask her if she’s aware of the NICE/NHS prescribing guidelines and whether it something she would consider speaking to her GP about to see if she would be eligible,

I say this as someone who was morbidly obese, has been obese since I was in Primary School and who was lucky enough to be prescribed MJ as a result of a T2 diagnosis last year. I am now healthy BMI, half the size I was (very nearly literally I am 46% smaller than my highest weight), my diabetes is in remission, my cholesterol is back in the normal range, my BP is normal, my resting and exercise heart rate has reduced, I am a significantly healthier and happier person.

I knew I needed to lose weight and I tried so very very hard, but I just couldn’t do it. I was painfully hungry all the time, I could stick to a diet for a few weeks eating the right things, not restricting too heavily just 500 below TDEE but my mouth would be watering and my stomach growing with hunger constantly so in the end I would break.

It was because I did not produce enough insulin and my sugar levels were sky high. The Mounjaro causes you to create more insulin in response to excess glucose, it also causes you to be more sensitive to what is produced, and in addition it slows your digestion so you feel satiated for longer. That intervention meant that I was able to stick to the healthy diet. I eat 1400-1600 calories a day, drink 2lts water, stick to high protein, low carb, high fibre, moderate fat macros, and do at least 3 x workouts a week.

Position it as a ‘has she checked whether this would be a good medication for her based on eligibility and all round health?’ conversation.

The worst that happens is that she gets upset or angry and you’ve said you’re willing to take that risk. The best that could happen is she turns her life around.

ShamrockShenanigans · 12/07/2025 21:18

If her son is worried about his mum, he'll have the conversation with her, won't he?

lljkk · 12/07/2025 21:22

I think it could be ok if if comes from a place of love:

"I love you & I want you to live a long time" types statements.

But it's risky, might depress her, piss her off, damage your relationship, etc. "How dare you suggest I'm about to die!" type reactions, etc.

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