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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to move in with partner

79 replies

SameOldMe · 10/07/2025 22:45

I have 3 children from a previous relationship, live in a council house and I work full time so I'm independent (with help from universal credit).
New partner wants me to move into his house and give up the council house.
The problem is that I would then lose my UC so he would be financially responsible for children that are not his.
i would have no security as I've given up my home, and would need to rely on him financially.
My house is small and don't have the space for him to move in.
Am I unreasonable to not move in and stay in relationship where we live separately? We holiday together and do a lot together.

OP posts:
Pieandchips999 · 10/07/2025 22:48

Don't do it. You have everything to lose from this is it goes wrong and he doesn't. If you have to ask on a forum whether it's a bad idea to move in with someone it nearly always is

arethereanyleftatall · 10/07/2025 22:50

You would be an absolute fool to move in with him. Just say no thanks for all the reasons you’ve cited.

Original poster
SameOldMe · 10/07/2025 22:50

Pieandchips999 · 10/07/2025 22:48

Don't do it. You have everything to lose from this is it goes wrong and he doesn't. If you have to ask on a forum whether it's a bad idea to move in with someone it nearly always is

That's true but I do want to be with him long term, and feel like I can't truly commit long term until we live together.

OP posts:
FatFilledTrottyPuss · 10/07/2025 22:54

You can be long term with him once your children have grown up and gained more independence. Right now you’d be mad to risk your own security by moving into someone else’s house. If he can’t wait for you then he isn’t right for you.

Dotto · 10/07/2025 22:55

If I was so lucky enough to have a council house, hell would have to freeze over before anyone could winkle me out...

I wish more people would maintain their independence like this, especially with children to think of.

Good for you.

ThatGladTiger · 10/07/2025 22:56

Do not give up your house.

Wouldn't he be sharing a bedroom with you? Why isn’t your house big enough for him to move in? Or maybe stay half the week?

RaininSummer · 10/07/2025 22:57

I get why it's not a good idea because you have a council house which is like winning lottery ticket these days but you wouldn't have nothing or be dependent as you work full time.

ShamrockShenanigans · 10/07/2025 22:57

Absolutely not.

The security of your 3 children are far more important.

Nice for you to have a relationship, but not so nice to risk leaving your kids homeless because of it.

Aligirlbear · 10/07/2025 22:58

Your priority needs to be your children. While you live in your council house and independently you are financially secure. If you move in with your partner you put your and your children’s financial situation in jeopardy and if anything were to go wrong you and your children could end up homeless. You are putting everything at risk - your partner is putting nothing at risk by the proposal of you moving in to his house.

RhaenysRocks · 10/07/2025 22:58

SameOldMe · 10/07/2025 22:50

That's true but I do want to be with him long term, and feel like I can't truly commit long term until we live together.

Show quote history

Nonsense. I'm a decade on with my partner but we haven't and won't cohabit until my kids are grown. We don't do anything together as a"family" though he is around a bit and has done a lot of tech and DIY support over the years. We both know how we feel and neither of us is going anywhere. I own my own mortgaged home and am not in a rush to give up my autonomy. In your situation you'd be absolutely mad to give up your tenancy.

ShamrockShenanigans · 10/07/2025 22:59

And also, if your house is big enough for one adult and 3 kids, it's big enough for 2 adults and 3 kids.

What's the difference assuming your boyfriend won't be needing his own bedroom?

RhaenysRocks · 10/07/2025 23:01

RaininSummer · 10/07/2025 22:57

I get why it's not a good idea because you have a council house which is like winning lottery ticket these days but you wouldn't have nothing or be dependent as you work full time.

She'd lose her UC though and I'd be amazed if this guy was prepared to make up that difference. And if he did, she's in a very dependent position if the relationship went south..not easy to leave.

WondererWanderer · 10/07/2025 23:01

His income will also be taken into account.If any of your children want to go to university. He'll end up having to pay for it or it will drastically reduce the support they can get. Just don't do it.

Zanatdy · 10/07/2025 23:02

Why is there not enough room when he would be sharing with you? Are you in the box room? But I agree that you’re right not to give up your council house, no way.

ExpertArchFormat · 10/07/2025 23:02

Do not give up your house, or at least not until your youngest child is independently established with a job and a place to live, then maybe. You have stability. That is worth diamonds. A relationship in two households is perfectly valid and frankly much more sensible when you have kids from a previous relationship.

RhaenysRocks · 10/07/2025 23:02

ShamrockShenanigans · 10/07/2025 22:59

And also, if your house is big enough for one adult and 3 kids, it's big enough for 2 adults and 3 kids.

What's the difference assuming your boyfriend won't be needing his own bedroom?

A whole other person's stuff, books, bikes, clothes, hobby gear, whatever. It's totally different.

TomatoSandwiches · 10/07/2025 23:03

You need to superglue your arse to that house and not think about moving until all your children have flown the nest.

Original poster
SameOldMe · 10/07/2025 23:04

ThatGladTiger · 10/07/2025 22:56

Do not give up your house.

Wouldn't he be sharing a bedroom with you? Why isn’t your house big enough for him to move in? Or maybe stay half the week?

i gave my children a room each and sleep in the dining room, which takes a small double. Its not in great condition, the kitchen and bathroom must be 20 years old! But it's mine and I can afford it, where if I moved I'd be raliant on him.

OP posts:
ShamrockShenanigans · 10/07/2025 23:05

RhaenysRocks · 10/07/2025 23:02

A whole other person's stuff, books, bikes, clothes, hobby gear, whatever. It's totally different.

Show quote history

Nah, I'm sure they can manage it if they really worked it out.

Far better than the OP and her children being potentially homeless because of his books and his bike etc.

ShamrockShenanigans · 10/07/2025 23:07

SameOldMe · 10/07/2025 23:04

i gave my children a room each and sleep in the dining room, which takes a small double. Its not in great condition, the kitchen and bathroom must be 20 years old! But it's mine and I can afford it, where if I moved I'd be raliant on him.

Show quote history

Then that's your choice to sleep in the dining room.

If you want to live with this man your kids will have to share like millions of others do.

Original poster
SameOldMe · 10/07/2025 23:07

WondererWanderer · 10/07/2025 23:01

His income will also be taken into account.If any of your children want to go to university. He'll end up having to pay for it or it will drastically reduce the support they can get. Just don't do it.

I did not consider this

OP posts:
Daisyvodka · 10/07/2025 23:08

An intelligent man who cared about you and your childrens wellbeing as human beings outside of what you bring to his life would be actively discouraging you from doing this...

User37482 · 10/07/2025 23:10

Honestly, even if it weren’t for the universal credit I wouldn’t want to live with another man. Even if I got married again I would still want my own home.

Original poster
SameOldMe · 10/07/2025 23:11

To be fair the eldest two are close to finishing secondary school so really its not long until they will move out anyway. He has a nice house, spare rooms and a drive. I don't have a drive and was offered a low emission company car but turned it down because of the fact i can't charge it cheaply, that's how the conversation came up.

OP posts:
50lbstolose · 10/07/2025 23:12

I agree that you should not give up your council house