To not want to move in with partner

[SameOldMe]

I have 3 children from a previous relationship, live in a council house and I work full time so I'm independent (with help from universal credit).
New partner wants me to move into his house and give up the council house.
The problem is that I would then lose my UC so he would be financially responsible for children that are not his.
i would have no security as I've given up my home, and would need to rely on him financially.
My house is small and don't have the space for him to move in.
Am I unreasonable to not move in and stay in relationship where we live separately? We holiday together and do a lot together.

A woman who gives up her kids security and places them in an extremely vulnerable position isn’t a good mother .thats just it.
you would be placing him over your kids.

Absolutely do NOT do this. If he really loves you, he’ll understand the at your children and financial security must come first. I was in a similar situation many years ago and I never understood why when two people move in together, the non-parent is assumed to be financially responsible towards children that are not theirs. In my case my DP had less £ than me at the time, he had a DD who he was responsible for, and I had my two DC whom myself and my exH were responsible for. We didn’t ever even have a joint bank account. Long story short, we eventually separated but remained friends, and I was at a financial loss during those years purely because he lived here.

It would be grossly unfair of you to put your kids in this vulnerable position.

Honestly, if he was ANY sort of a decent bloke, he'd totally get this.

Of course you can be in a committed relationship without living together.

Have you just landed on earth? She has three kids with complex needs in the mix to support and house, love is a wonderful thing but it is not a guarantee, they are not his kids so her priority ALWAYS needs to be 'what if we break up, how will I feed and house my kids'

No way! Why would you give up your security and your children's? You can still be together and as the kids get older, spend more time there. Would your children even want to move into his home, would they feel comfortable? Too much risk. If I were you, Id hold onto my home.

I think this is crazy that everyone says don't do it. This is the man you want to be with forever. You want to live with him. He can afford for that to happen. You are financially independent anyway. You just need to list the pros and cons and decide what plan has most pros

So, if he decides he doesn’t want to play happily ever after anymore, or has an affair, or decides he doesn’t want the her kids coming back to live ‘in his house’ to get on their feet post uni before setting out again, or at any other time he feels like telling them to get out, or any of a hundred other scenario’s, then ????? OP leaves and is homeless or OP is forced to suck up any bad behaviour, or her kids being thrown out and being homeless, for fear of being homeless herself? That’s crazy.

I agree. This is a head v heart situation, and definitely the head needs to win.

If the kids are coming to the end of secondary, then they’ll have important exams coming up. Now is not the time to be changing their routine, moving into a new house etc.

Have you talked finances? Will he be willing to pay for your kids if your income reduces? University fees? Will you be expected to take on the extra washing, cleaning, cooking etc? If it’s his house, will you have any say on what goes on? Etc etc

And yet you'd have no problem making her give up her home to share your boyfriend's house?

Sorry but that's crap. There are plenty of good reasons not to marry. My DP will one day inherit a substantial amount from.his family. He rightly does not want that to end up going to my two kids with whom he has a friendly but not close relationship, should he pre-decease me. In middle to late life it often makes perfect sense not to combine finances in the way that marriage does.

I would imagine OP would lose the single person discount for council tax and some of her UC if the boyfriend moved in.

As you work full time, your best option is to look into the right to buy your council house.
If you have the right to buy, start saving for a mortgage deposit now!

Stay in the home until all your children have grown up and left, settled elsewhere. Not just gone to uni as they may need to return home to live with you afterwards - I mean properly flown the nest for good.

Then in years to come you will have a bit of equity in the house, you can sell and you and DP can buy together a new home for both of you, on more equal terms. Much better than you moving into 'his' home, which will never feel truly like your home. As part of the deal, also get married for financial and legal protection.

If he really loves you, he will wait for you, decades if need be.

If he keeps pressuring you to move in - is it because he wants a live-in cook / cleaner / laundry maid / sex on tap ?

So nothing to do with not having enough room then?

It’s the same scenario though - OP would have to declare any contribution he makes to household expenses and it would likely affect UC.

Not really, no. Doesn’t matter which way around she does it. Her BF would still end up financially responsible for children that are not his, and that’s not what she wants. She would be the loser financially as well as compromising her independence.

Why are you making this all about benefits ? The fact is that OP wouldn’t be financially independent if she moved in with him - her income would be cut with the loss of UC and any related benefits or premiums. She is claiming it because she needs to and is eligible for her own circumstance. Moving in with someone just to get off benefits would be batshit, and thankfully not a condition for claiming. Her BF is not the father of her children. She doesn’t want either herself or her kids to be financially dependent on him and she has no claim to his home. If the relationship goes wrong she will have made herself and her children homeless. Where’s the sense in that ?

Don't be ridiculous.

Why on earth should a single mother risk the stability of her entire future life and her children's wellbeing to move in with a bloke who isn't the father of her children, just to hopefully save the taxpayer a few £££ if it works out. Why would you advocate forcing people into unsuitable relationships that aren't in their best interests?

If she moves in with him and it turns out to have been a mistake, the private rent subsidies the taxpayer will have to hand over to her private landlord as she can't get back into social housing, plus the extra interventions of various kinds that her children could end up needing due to a disrupted and unstable childhood, will cost the taxpayer way more than the UC she is getting at the moment.

I think its really put my mind at ease talking it out, whenever he comes round he doesn't get why i would want to stay in an old council house when he lives in a really nice much bigger house. My family never eat together as we don't have a dining room or table to eat, kids normally eat dinner on laps, and I tend to eat in the car as my time is tight and kids have various sports / activities 5 nights a week! He has never pressured me into moving but its an open invitation. Of course my children come first, my middle one with complex needs would be able to cope with enough notice, it's not something I could spring on her but I think ideally she would prefer to stay where we are. The idea is I wouldn't have to pay rent so I would save that but I don't mind paying rent and it being 'my rules'

Because 50% of marriages, and a higher % of long term relationships end in divorce/split.

So OP would be taking a greater than 50% risk of making her children homeless.

Would you take that risk on behalf of your children? I wouldn't. I've been single since DS was 3, have steered clear of any serious relationships, and will continue to do so until ds has left, is earning well and is happy.

The idea is I wouldn't have to pay rent so I would save that but I don't mind paying rent and it being 'my rules'

How though? Surely you wouldn't stay at his for free?

Makes me laugh that posters think the only space a grown man needs is half a bed to sleep on!

I would think VERY hard before giving up your house, OP

No no no

keep your own house, have your own space for you & the kids (you will be glad in years to come)

If he doesn’t have kids, then he won’t be used to living with them full time, the arguments, tv, bedtime dinner time etc etc
Also because they’re your kids , you will not like him telling them off or moaning about them for whatever reason . This will cause resentment

You dont have to prove to somebody you love them to have to give up your home
Your kids won’t be kids forever

please Don’t do it

i would stay as you are for the time being, and am surprised you’re in the dining room instead of any of your children sharing a room

This. Don’t give up give up your house unless you’re married and have your name on the deeds of any shared property

Right. And on so so many occasions even if they don't split the kids are miserable, they now have an other adult ruling over them and it's not their home, it's his home and they have to just suck it up.

It just does not matter how reasonable or nice someone seems, he's not their father and she cannot know how it will work out until she is living there - and by then she's already upended her kids' lives and possibly caused them all sorts of grief. And he has no idea at all what he's in for, however much of a saviour he sees in himself.

If it was just the OP, go for it. But it's not, the kids are safe, stable and it's her house her rules, I just definitely would not do this, knowing what I know of human nature and relationships.

Romanticising these things is how so many disastrous situations happen.