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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A photo of my son sent to Dad I've no contact with

64 replies

ZingyKoala · 10/07/2025 15:43

This is tough to write and probably one for a therapist!

My parents separated when I was little and my Dad was basically absent. He was inconsistent and bad for me. I have zero contact for maybe 15 years.

I have a seven year old son. I recently have been I touch with a member of my Dad's family. They seem a really nice, genuine person. Today they met my son for the first time and took a photo. We had a really lovely time and I'd like to continue the relationship but I just received an email to my email address from my birth Dad after many years saying he saw a photo of my son and he's very handsome etc.

I feel so twisted right now and don't know what to think. AIBU to feel weird?

OP posts:
Roastiesarethebestbit · 10/07/2025 15:47

That must have shaken you up. Totally wrong for the relative to share the photo, and totally wrong for you father to contact you out of the blue like that.

I would not be rushing to see the relative again. However nice they may seem, they are clearly close to your Father and that sounds too complicated for me.

Hothothot25 · 10/07/2025 16:13

Does the relative know that you're no contact owith your Dad? Could there be a chance that they just think you don't see him, rather than actively don't want to see him?

If you want a relationship with this person, it might be worth letting them know that you don't want your Dad in your life at all.

It is of course your right not to have any contact with your Dad, don't let your relative push you into it if you don't want to.

Original poster
ZingyKoala · 10/07/2025 16:15

They definitely know and they were previously no contact for a number of years, but they've softened to him recently. We don't talk about him a lot

OP posts:
Driftingawaynow · 10/07/2025 16:17

I was in similar situation, it’s really violating isn’t it. You have my sympathy

Original poster
ZingyKoala · 10/07/2025 16:18

I'm sorry to hear that @Driftingawaynow and I hope you're doing OK x

I should mention that this person hasn't once mentioned that I should be in touch with my Dad or pushed any agenda. I didn't in a million years think they'd send the photo

OP posts:
RedNine · 10/07/2025 16:20

This person is no friend of yours. They have an ulterior motive (inserting themselves into matters which do not concern them)

Express your dismay and disappointment and block them. Block your dad too. Ghastly people.

Driftingawaynow · 10/07/2025 16:22

In my situation i think it just didn’t occur to the relative that I might value my privacy or want to be consulted. Thoughtless of them rather than duplicitous, but not cool!

Marble10 · 10/07/2025 16:22

You’d think they would have mentioned they were going to share a picture of him. I’d be upset.
I was NC with my dad but I was close to his sister. I know she showed a picture of my DC to him before but I knew he would never in a million years reach out so I wasn’t too bothered. I think people get weird and romanise such situations when it comes to children.

Rhaidimiddim · 10/07/2025 16:23

How did your dad get your email address? From this same person? Regardless, they sound either massively clueless, or a troublemaker. I would not be trusting them again.

RedNine · 10/07/2025 16:24

Driftingawaynow · 10/07/2025 16:17

I was in similar situation, it’s really violating isn’t it. You have my sympathy

Yes is really is.

Had similar, not with a photo but with the person passing on news from my children to the person I am NC with. I felt spied-upon. (Flying monkey situation) I put the flying monkey person in the fuck you bin as well. No more passing on of information. Job done. No regrets.

Original poster
ZingyKoala · 10/07/2025 16:25

Rhaidimiddim · 10/07/2025 16:23

How did your dad get your email address? From this same person? Regardless, they sound either massively clueless, or a troublemaker. I would not be trusting them again.

I've the same email address since my teenage years. I've changed phone numbers but email stayed the same. Maybe they asked the person or maybe they just tried my old one

OP posts:
Luddite26 · 10/07/2025 16:27

I'm not defending family member but maybe they had posted the photo on a group chat not realising your father would see it.
No excuse but did you say not to show anyone.
Not blaming you either. Really they shouldn't have taken a photo of your son.
Either they are very naive or they have done it on purpose.
Was your father manipulative or does he want to make amends. How did he get your email address?
Sorry you are feeling rubbish about this.

Luddite26 · 10/07/2025 16:28

Sorry I cross posted about email addresses.

Rhaidimiddim · 10/07/2025 16:28

Do you think this might be the start of a campaign to get you and your dad reconciled? Given that the person in question has recently softened, do you think they (and/or your dad) might be thinking that they'd like to be back in touch? For whatever reason.

LemonLimeOrangeKiwi · 10/07/2025 16:30

It Sounds like your dad has deployed this person as a flying monkey to soften you up for contact.

I would contact this person and tell them how deeply disappointed you are. Then keep your distance from them.

They violated your boundaries with no regard to how it would affect you.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 10/07/2025 16:31

I am NC with my Dad and would absolutely seethe if this happened to me. YANBU

SummerInSun · 10/07/2025 16:32

How old is the person from your dad’s family who did this? I ask because a lot of older people (and I mean young older peoples eg from 50 or so up) just don’t understand today’s views about sharing this sort of info. You say the relative is a nice, genuine person - if so, it seems highly unlikely they would have shared the photo of they had understood that this would upset you so much and that these days it’s not ok to share photos of kids without an ok from the parents. Even if you dad was absent and rubbish, he may now be regretting that as he ages and relative may feel sorry for him.

in my wider family, a relative gave some info he thought was totally unimportant to his DIL’s father, without realising the depth of ill felling that she had towards her father. He thought he was helpfully answering an innocuous request from a member of her family, she thought it was a massive breach of trust and has refused to allow him contact with his grandchildren for ten years. It’s an awful situation.

Original poster
ZingyKoala · 10/07/2025 16:33

Thanks for replies

I genuinely don't know the answer about them being deployed. I had such a lovely morning that I'm quite thrown.

They also brought their children and the photo was of the group. They also sent it to me. I've met them many times on their own/with their kids before bringing son, so I had no trust issues.

Thankfully, my son has zero understanding/care of who they are. They were mostly just new friends in the park to him!

OP posts:
Itiswhysofew · 10/07/2025 16:34

What an odd thing for them to have done.

Tell them to delete the photo and ask why they sent it to him. It's not very encouraging for you to keep contact with them. Wonder what else they imparted to your father?

Email your dad back telling him he wasn't supposed to be shown the photo and not to contact you again.

That's what I'd do.

Original poster
ZingyKoala · 10/07/2025 16:35

SummerInSun · 10/07/2025 16:32

How old is the person from your dad’s family who did this? I ask because a lot of older people (and I mean young older peoples eg from 50 or so up) just don’t understand today’s views about sharing this sort of info. You say the relative is a nice, genuine person - if so, it seems highly unlikely they would have shared the photo of they had understood that this would upset you so much and that these days it’s not ok to share photos of kids without an ok from the parents. Even if you dad was absent and rubbish, he may now be regretting that as he ages and relative may feel sorry for him.

in my wider family, a relative gave some info he thought was totally unimportant to his DIL’s father, without realising the depth of ill felling that she had towards her father. He thought he was helpfully answering an innocuous request from a member of her family, she thought it was a massive breach of trust and has refused to allow him contact with his grandchildren for ten years. It’s an awful situation.

They are 40, with young kids themselves. They aren't on social media etc and I don't think of them as being someone who shares photos etc. (But clearly I was wrong about that last bit! 😬)

OP posts:
PashaMinaMio · 10/07/2025 16:35

IF you could give your dad the benefit of doubt, could it be that it’s his way of reaching out to reconcile with you? Not knowing the circumstances, how would that be for you?

Alternatively, it’s a shame to jettison the relationship you’re now building with Dad’s family. If and when you meet again, could you explain that you don’t want anymore photos sent to your dad? Additionally, dont allow pics of your interactions to be taken in the first place. Would they be sensitive enough to accept that?

I suppose you might have to accept that overall your dad’s relative will likely share info’ about your life with your dad. You can only ask and hope that they will be economical with information.

Finally, if none of us come up with a solution you can live with, I guess that yes, you’ll just have to cut the relationship adrift.

Original poster
ZingyKoala · 10/07/2025 16:37

I also felt weird as they knew his name, my job information etc.

Think I'm still processing and a little thrown tbh!

OP posts:
uhta · 10/07/2025 16:37

I’d ignore your dad’s email entirely.

And I would drop the relative by ghosting them. They are either a bit thick if they don’t realise that sending a photo of your ds to a man who’s treated you like that is well out of order - or they are a complete manipulator. Shit people can appear very nice at first. Either option would cause me to immediately bin this person.

uhta · 10/07/2025 16:39

This 40yo might think they are some sort of hero for supplying your dad with this photo. I would 100% drop them. You don’t need disloyal or poisonous (or completely stupid) people in your life

JadeJoker · 10/07/2025 16:48

Sorry I haven’t read the whole thread but

Is there a chance your relative sent the photo to someone else who has then sent to your dad?