A photo of my son sent to Dad I've no contact with

[ZingyKoala]

This is tough to write and probably one for a therapist!

My parents separated when I was little and my Dad was basically absent. He was inconsistent and bad for me. I have zero contact for maybe 15 years.

I have a seven year old son. I recently have been I touch with a member of my Dad's family. They seem a really nice, genuine person. Today they met my son for the first time and took a photo. We had a really lovely time and I'd like to continue the relationship but I just received an email to my email address from my birth Dad after many years saying he saw a photo of my son and he's very handsome etc.

I feel so twisted right now and don't know what to think. AIBU to feel weird?

It sounds like they were clueless moreso than a flying monkey.

Totally agree. And without the entire history it’s so hard to understand..

eg, you know the exact details of no contact, assuming you had that conversation with your dad and indeed your mum.

for example did he just ignore all contact or was it blocked somehow.

ultimately, set your boundaries and be clear in them. Then if something is outwith that you can go from there.

The guilt is misplaced. I’m not super clear if you feel guilty about the other relative or your dad when he emailed you. But neither is well founded.

If over your relative - you didn’t know they were going to send the photo. They probably didn’t know you would be against it. It’s likely just a miscommunication with no hurt intended. Stating up front can be useful but relationships don’t work well if you spell everything out like some kind of formal contract. You work on subtle cues and assumptions and then adjust when you find out there’s a mismatch - that’s totally normal and all you need to do here. And if you do find out that they knew you didn’t really want them to send the photo but did it anyway - that doesn’t make you guilty of anything. They did something they shouldn’t have and you had good reason to think they wouldn’t go against your wishes. That doesn’t make you at fault (or even naive). It makes them the guilty party.

If the guilt is over your dad - it’s also misplaced. You probably know that rationally but it doesn’t stop the feeling!

If you’re interested, there are some relatively easy methods you can try to help you get past the guilt - be compassionate to yourself. Challenges yourself every time you realise you’re giving in to these thoughts of guilt. Remind yourself that he hurt your childhood and you don’t have to let him hurt the rest of your life, nor your children’s lives. If it gets hard, think about whether you think your life would be better or worse if you let him back in - and choose you each time (that’s part of the being compassionate to yourself). Remind yourself that he chose himself when you were a child and should have been able to rely on him, it’s fine to choose you now and balance that out. Recognise his manipulation for what it is - he is still choosing himself over you - he knows you don’t want contact but he does it anyway while trying to emotionally blackmail you into doing what he wants.

But only think about this when the negative emotions hit. Try not to dwell on it. Distraction is another important tool. Remind yourself the guilt is misplaced, then focus on the things that are important in your life. Your Dad isn’t and you don’t have to spend anymore time thinking about him or your reaction to him than you absolutely need to.

If this doesn’t help you (or if you can’t see that the guilt is misplaced) then therapy may be worth a look.

I think it was obvious that this was going to happen.

a relative is in contact with your dad who you’ve not seen for years, I wouldn’t have expected anything less than for them to update him on your life.

i don’t mean to upset you, but I do think it was very naive to think they wouldn’t share information, even if it was just casually or in conversation etc

No decent person would do such a thing.
Don't be confused on that score.

Having experienced estrangement in many different family dynamics your dad is probably having an attempt to make contact. I'm not saying that's right. But people can spend many years wanting to build bridges - and I'm not saying he is ok to do that or you should welcome it. But sometimes you just want to try.
You haven't gone into much detail OP and you don't have to but people can only make a comment on the bit you've said.
I can't say the relative was being manipulative or whether you should stop this relationship.

What matters is how you feel and what you want to do.

Thank you all, I really appreciate it.

I have had more emails since and a Facebook message asking why I'm not replying and what he ever did wrong etc. I have it blocked now but they still show up in spam

I’m sorry you’re having all this dragged up again when you’d clearly been trying to put it behind you. If you plan on seeing this relative again you’re going to have to tell them that what they did has caused a problem for you. I wonder if they thought they were doing a nice thing trying to heal a family rift. It was massively out of order for them to do it I think I would see how they react to being told how you feel about what them sending this photo to your dad, and base your decision on whether to continue that relationship on that. If they refuse to see your point of view and apologise it may be best to cut them out too.

Awful of your relative.

You could cut contact with them for thisC or, if you have hope that they have made a one-off fuck up and are otherwise decent, give them one more chance and have a difficult conversation. First to confirm that they shared the photos with your father, then express your shock/disappointment in them and make clear that you want no pictures or information about you or your DC / family shared with your father, or conversations about him.

I think your H is being unfair about you not having an explicit conversation with your relative about it upfront. A reasonable person would understand without being told that someone with no contact with a family member wouldn’t want others to share photos or information about DC with the estranged person, especially without asking.

That is your prerogative to block him. It must be very unsettling for you.
I made peace with my father's and my relationship after his death. Wasted many years of mental anxiety on him and wanting. Better relationship. He didn't but I was to blame latterly. Obviously. I just wish I hadn't wasted my mental energy on him and focused on loving myself more.
If you take anything from this interruption in your life is be happy with the decisions you make and have no regrets. There are plenty of people who will live you in life without wasting energy on someone who thought you weren't worth the effort when you possibly needed it.x

You can continue to let them go to spam and hope he gives up eventually. Or you can unblock him, send a single message "I do not wish to have any type of contact with you. If you continue to attempt to contact me I will report you to the police for harassment". Then do it if he doesn't stop. The downside of that is that he'll probably show your message all over the place and say how terrible you are. As far as I'm concerned, it'd be a small price to pay.

I'm not on Facebook, but I think there's a way to block someone where it makes you absolutely invisible to them. If they search for you or try to bring up your FB it just shows as 'doesn't exist' or something like that. DH is on FB and I know he's done that with a few people before. Also in some email systems there's a way to create a 'bounce back' where if a blocked email is sent the system bounces it back with the message along the lines of "This email is undeliverable" or similar. Again, I don't know how, I'm not on SM and am a real luddite!

He was no father to you growing up but clearly he feels that not being there for you isn't 'wrong'.

You don't owe him anything.

I'm sure he knows in his heart of hearts that he hasn't been a good Father.

It does sound like he's (predictably!) playing the 'I'm innocent and don't know what her problem is' card with his side of the family, though.

I would contact the relative and say they hsd absolutely no right to share your son's photo without your express permission, and ask them NOT to share any of your personal data. Up to you if you respond to your father at all.

I’d be raging if someone sent a photo of our children to my DH parents. He’s chosen not to have a relationship with them, they’ve never met them and never will and I’d consider it a serious betrayal. I’d tell the person who did it how upset and angry I was then cut contact with them. You keep saying how sweet they are - they’re honestly not. They’ve dragged up something upsetting and unpleasant into the lovely life you’ve built for yourself and that’s out of order. Naivety is no excuse. If they thought this was okay they can’t be trusted not to do other stupid and damaging things. I’m really sorry, it’s all unnecessarily horrible.